Young Writers Society

Act I, Scene 1; Act I, Scene 2; Act I, Scene 3

ACT II

SCENE 1

Same apartment, three days before the suicide. The apartment is empty, all of the posters and charts taken down. DAVID enters the apartment carrying a large gift-wrapped box. He sets it on the table, and opens the card attached to the box.

DAVID

(Reads)

"It's been a good run, and it's sad to see you go, but we wish you luck in your future endeavor. Good luck killing yourself. Sincerely, your faithful employees." How sweet.

(He opens the box, and pulls out a rope with a note attached)

"We know you've been hanging around for a while. Here's hoping things start swinging in your direction."

(He puts down the rope and pulls out the gun)

"Well, shoot, if we knew that you were going to kill yourself sooner, we would have sent you out with a bang!"

(He puts down the gun and takes out a bottle of rat poison)

"We couldn't think of any puns for the poison, but it would have been funny, so drink up."

DAVID puts everything back in the box and takes it to the bedroom. There is a knock at the door. DAVID crosses to the door and answers it to find KATE, his high school crush.

KATE

Hi, David.

DAVID

Kate! What are you doing here?

KATE

Is it true? Are you really going to kill yourself?

DAVID

Yeah, it's true.

KATE

(Completely turned on)

Oh, God!

KATE leaps onto DAVID and starts kissing and groping him, full on snogging. DAVID is caught between trying to get her off of him and getting into it. They stumble all the way to the couch and fall on top of it, KATE completely turned on and DAVID still struggling and protesting. Finally, DAVID is able to push KATE off of him.

DAVID

What is wrong with you?

KATE

Sorry. I don't know what came over me.

DAVID

We haven't seen each other for years.

KATE

I know. It's been a long time.

DAVID

That's totally inappropriate.

KATE

Actually, I do know what came over me.

DAVID

Oh really?

KATE

Yes, I do.

DAVID

Then I'll ask again: What is wrong with you?

KATE

It's a weird fetish of mine.

DAVID

How weird?

KATE

I get turned on by suicidal people.

DAVID

(Confused)

You what?

KATE

I get really turned on by suicidal people.

DAVID

That's not normal. How did you realize this?

KATE

Well, remember junior year of high school, when Alex went through a serious bout of depression?

DAVID

Yeah.

KATE

Well, I thought it was really cute, so I asked him out, and we had a think for a while. And then one night, we were talking, and he was telling me about how there was nothing left for him to live for, and that he had planned out his suicide, and was going to do it in the next couple of days. And I thought that was really hot. And then he showed me his plans, and it turned me on even more, so we started making out. And when he started crying, saying that he was going to miss me when he was gone, it put me over the edge, and we had some crazy, wild sex. And the next day he killed himself.

DAVID

Wow.

KATE

And I thought that would completely throw me off, but then when I went to college, there was a guy who looked kind of mopey, and it made my heart flutter, and we got to know each other, and then I asked him if he had ever thought about hurting himself or something like that, and he said no, that he felt perfectly fine. And I lost all interest in him.

DAVID

So you broke up with him because he wasn't depressed?

KATE

Exactly! I felt really bad for doing it, but it had to be done. And then after a while, I kind of just traveled around sleeping with suicidal and depressed guys. I would hang out around psychiatrist offices, liquor stores, casinos. Sometimes I'd make the rounds at Starbucks and see who has a large amount of free verse poetry and take him home with me.

DAVID

Have you thought about going to Japan? I hear there are a lot of suicidal guys there.

KATE

I seriously saved up a bunch of money and almost bought a plane ticket to Tokyo. But then my car broke down, so I needed to use that money to fix it.

DAVID

Right. How did you find out about me?

KATE

Well, I ran into Wayne at the grocery store, and we were catching up, and he said, "You remember David, right?" And I said, "Yeah. He shit his pants before we were set to go on our first date."

DAVID

(Embarrassed)

God dammit...

KATE

And Wayne said, "Well, he's going to kill himself in a few days. He sent out his two weeks notice and everything." At first I didn't believe it, so I shrugged it off. But as each day passed, I started thinking more and more about it, and I decided I had to come and see if it was true.

DAVID

And it's true. Now what?

KATE

Take me.

DAVID

What?

KATE

Fuck me. Right here on this couch.

DAVID

I don't think I can--

KATE rips open her blouse, revealing a lacy bra underneath.

KATE

Right. Now.

DAVID

Yes, ma'am.

DAVID and KATE start intensely making out and groping each other. Clothes start to come off. Things are starting to get hot and heavy when ELIZABETH, DAVID's ex-wife bursts through the door.

ELIZABETH

(Angry)

David!

DAVID

(Startled)

Elizabeth!

ELIZABETH

What the fuck are you doing with this whore?

DAVID

It's not what it looks like!

KATE

Excuse you! I'm not a whore!

ELIZABETH

Get off of him! Get out, now!

KATE gathers her clothes and starts to leave.

KATE

I'll see you later, David. Hopefully before you're too stiff in the wrong way.

DAVID

Kate! No!

KATE leaves. ELIZABETH turns on DAVID.

ELIZABETH

Explain yourself.

DAVID

I don't know! She just came over, we started talking, and then things started getting out of control.

ELIZABETH

Not that. Explain this suicide thing.

DAVID

Why do you care? How did you find out?

ELIZABETH

I heard it from some of your former employees. They showed me the letter. What the hell is wrong with you?

DAVID

Again, why do you care? You divorced me how long ago, and we haven't talked since. And legally, I'm not even sure you're allowed in here.

ELIZABETH

It doesn't matter. What matters is, what will our children think of this?

DAVID

They don't! I haven't seen them for years. And it's not like it matters: you completely turned them against me.

ELIZABETH

I have not!

DAVID

I called Emily the other day. She answered the phone, and I said, "Hi, Emily, it's Dad." And she said, "Bite me, asshole."

ELIZABETH

You can't prove that's from me.

DAVID

I asked, "Why would you say that?" And she said, "Because Mom says you're an asshole," and hung up on me.

ELIZABETH

There are more important matters than our children.

DAVID

You're not talking me out of this suicide.

ELIZABETH

Why would I do that? I don't give a shit about whether or not you live.

DAVID

Then why are you here?

ELIZABETH

What am I getting out of this?

DAVID

Out of what?

ELIZABETH

Out of your suicide. What are you leaving me?

DAVID

I'm not leaving you anything! I'm not leaving anyone anything. Everything is going to be sold before my suicide, and that money is going to a charity.

ELIZABETH

What? What charity?

DAVID

Haven't decided yet. Maybe either the ASPCA or the American Cancer Association.

ELIZABETH

Those are the two worst charities in the world.

DAVID

Then which charity should I give it to?

ELIZABETH

The Elizabeth Martin Fund for Collecting an Inheritance from her Deadbeat Fucking Ex-Husband who Killed Himself because He Can't Handle a Little Misfortune.

DAVID

One, you're a bitch. Two, I'm not giving you anything!

ELIZABETH

Why not?

DAVID

Because you cheated on me with a fast food worker!

ELIZABETH

He was a franchise manager!

DAVID

Whatever he was, you fucked him in the restroom while the family was out to dinner! And to think I felt honored that we had won a drawing for free meals for a month.

ELIZABETH

You're pathetic.

DAVID

I'm pathetic? At least I've lived an honest life.

ELIZABETH

I don't see why I can't get an inheritance from your death. I gave you the best years, and had to put up with the worst sex, of my entire life.

DAVID

You left me for someone else 15 years ago. I've survived this long in my life without you. I think I can survive the rest of it. Get out of my apartment.

ELIZABETH

Gladly. I hope you rot in hell.

DAVID

Give a call to Satan and save me a good room.

ELIZABETH

Fuck you, David.

ELIZABETH leaves in a huff, slamming the door shut. DAVID, furious goes straight to the liquor cabinet, takes out a half full bottle of liquor, guzzles it, and throws the empty bottle on the floor. He reaches into the liquor cabinet again, and, not finding any more liquor, curses, grabs his keys, and leaves.