Two Weeks Notice 1.3

Act I, Scene 1, Act I, Scene 2

SCENE 3

Same apartment, nine days before the suicide. DAVID is sitting at his kitchen table, planning out his suicide. There are charts and graphs listing pros and cons of different methods taped to the walls, as well as some bloody and graphic illustrations. DAVID is discussing methods to himself when there's a knock on the door.

DAVID

Come in.

MOM enters with MAX, a therapist and depression counselor. MAX is confined to a wheelchair, which is equipped with a pouch that contains a water bottle, writing utensils, a notepad, and a voice note recorder.

MOM

David, I'd like you to meet Dr. Max Black.

MAX

Nice to meet you, David.

DAVID

Mom, what's he doing here?

MOM

Dr. Black is a really good therapist. I started seeing him a while ago, and he's helped me through a lot. I hired him to talk you out of your suicide.

DAVID

(Looking at his surrounding plans)

I don't think that's going to work so well.

MOM

Just give it a try, David.

DAVID

Any other day I would, but I have to finish planning--

MOM

David. I'm not kidding. Just chat with him for a few minutes and see if you don't feel better.

DAVID

Mom, I'm not going to talk to some quack that you hired to try and--

MOM

(Exasperated)

David! Just talk to the goddamn therapist!

DAVID

But, Mom--

MOM

David, no.

DAVID

Mom--

MOM

David, stop.

DAVID

But--

MOM

David! Quit it!

MAX

If I could interject...

DAVID

Shut up!

MOM

David!

DAVID

(To MOM)

What?

MOM

Shut up!

DAVID

Mom, I'm definitely not in the mood to talk to this guy.

MOM

You're talking to him, and that's final.

DAVID

Why am I talking to him?

MOM

Because I want you to be absolutely sure that you want to kill yourself, and if there are any lingering doubts, Dr. Black can work them out with you!

DAVID

(About to argue, then:)

Okay. Fine. I'll indulge this session, but only this session.

MOM

Thank you, David. One session is all I ask.

DAVID

(To MAX)

So... do I need to lay on a couch or something? Is that how this works?

MAX

However you're most comfortable.

DAVID

I'm most comfortable not talking to you.

MOM

David!

MAX

It's okay, Lori. Part of the therapeutic process is knowing that you have the freedom to say whatever you want in the session without consequence. And since I don't know where this session is going to go, I'm going to ask you to excuse us while we begin.

MOM

Certainly.

MOM moves to the corner of the room while DAVID sits on the couch and MAX takes out a notepad, pen, and the vocal notes recorder.

DAVID

Well, I guess...

(He looks over to MOM)

Is she still supposed to be here?

MAX

Lori, please excuse us.

MOM

Oh, don't mind me. Just pretend I'm not here.

MAX

As part of the process, I would actually prefer if you actually weren't here.

MOM

What do you mean?

DAVID

He means get the fuck out of the room, Mom.

MOM

Right. I'll run a few errands. I'll be back in a few minutes.

MOM exits.

DAVID

So. Where do we start?

MAX

We can start wherever you want to start.

DAVID

Then how about we start at the end where I thank you for your time and you leave.

MAX

(Laughs)

I'm afraid it doesn't quite work like that, David.

DAVID

I thought so. Figured I could give it a try.

(He and MAX sit in silence, then:)

So, I have a question.

MAX

Shoot.

DAVID

How, uh... how did you get up to the second floor?

MAX

Is that question pertinent to why I'm here, or is it something that can wait?

DAVID

I guess it's something that can wait.

Silence.

MAX

Let's start with the suicide, shall we?

DAVID

If you want to.

MAX

Do you want to?

DAVID

Oh, don't tell me you're one of those therapists.

MAX

One of what therapists?

DAVID

Those! Right there! That turns everything I say into a question!

MAX

Am I turning everything you say into a question?

DAVID

Yes!

MAX

How so?

DAVID

It's right--! Goddammit.

MAX

God damn what?

DAVID

Oh, fuck this.

MAX

(Laughs)

I'm just kidding. I hate those types of therapists, too. It's a good thing they only occur in books, movies, and grad students that are trying too hard.

DAVID

You mean, you're not...?

MAX

No way. Believe me, if I ever became one of those eternal questioning therapists, I'd have to kill myself.

(Beat.)

Oh God, I'm sorry.

DAVID

What? What did you do?

MAX

Now I know how you people feel when you use leg euphemisms.

DAVID

Oh. (Realizing) Oh! Oh, that. Yeah, don't worry about that. I'm going into it pretty calm.

MAX

Well, I'm embarrassed, so we won't start with the suicide. (Looking around) Though some of these illustrations could provide enough fodder for several sessions.

DAVID

Thanks. I try to pride myself in my work.

MAX

Let's start with work, then. What did you do before you decided to kill yourself.

DAVID

I owned a small business.

MAX

Really? Doing what?

DAVID

Selling tools, with some repair work in there.

MAX

Sounds great. How did you decide to do that?

DAVID

Well, my mom thought it was a good idea, since that's what my dad used to do before he sold his company.

MAX

Your mom thought it was a good idea?

DAVID

Yeah, I started it a few years after graduating college.

MAX

What was your degree?

DAVID

Business management. But I didn't really want to go to college.

MAX

Then why did you go?

DAVID

Because everyone goes to college. And then after college, I had no choice but to start my own business. I didn't want to, but I did.

MAX

What did you want to do?

DAVID

I wanted to travel, you know? See the world, meet interesting people, get food poisoning from the local cuisine. You know, what people normally do when they travel.

MAX

So why didn't you travel for a few years?

DAVID

I didn't have any money. So I got a job. Then mom said I should start my own business, and I did. I was only going to do it until I made enough money for an international trip, then I was going to stop.

MAX

Ah. So you ended up making a bunch of money, and then you went on your trip, right?

DAVID

Not quite. See, the business started to grow really big, and mom thought it would be a good idea to move the business to a larger, independent building to increase revenue.

MAX

I'm going to stop you right there. There seems to be a common trend in your life right now.

DAVID

Really?

MAX

Yeah. Your mom is shaping your future. She sees things that she wants to happen for you, tells you what to do, and you just do it. Has that happened with anyone else in your life?

DAVID

No, it hasn't.

MAX

Really?

DAVID

Not really, no.

MAX

(Prying)

Really?

DAVID

Well... I got married shortly after I started my business because my girlfriend at the time really wanted to.

MAX

You didn't wait?

DAVID

I couldn't. She bought the ring already. I remember, because she gave it to me, and told me when and how she wanted to be proposed to.

MAX

And you just went with it?

DAVID

Yeah. Is that bad?

MAX

Kind of. I think I've figured out what your problem is.

DAVID

What is it?

MAX

You're an enabler. You're too compliant. You let people walk all over you because you want to make them happy. And you're sick of it, so you're going to commit suicide because that's the one thing you can control. David, it's time for you to put your foot down and stand up for yourself. Don't let them push you around anymore. That sort of mentality has helped me through a lot of my tough times.

DAVID

Yeah, right. All you ever do is let people push you around. I'll bet you've never stood up for yourself in your entire life.

MAX

(Impatiently)

David, I'm in a wheelchair. I have an excuse. You, on the other hand, don't.

DAVID

You don't have to be short with me.

MAX

Again. David. (Motioning) Wheelchair.

DAVID

I really hate it when disabled people make fun of their own disabilities. It makes me uncomfortable.

MAX

That's why we do it. But seriously, David, you have to find a better way to take control of your environment than to kill yourself. Why not take a few community education classes? Start an exercise regimen. Do something creative.

DAVID

I'm over 50 years old. At this point, I'm just a tick on society, mooching off of my host and not really contributing to anything.

MAX

Do you really believe that? Or do you believe that because that's what other people tell you?

MOM enters, finished with her errands.

MOM

Well, how's it going, boys?

DAVID

(Suddenly angry)

Get him out of here.

MOM

David, what--

DAVID

I said get this guy and his psycho-babble bullshit out of my apartment!

MAX

No need. I'll let myself out.

(Beat.)

But to answer your question from earlier: I came up by myself. I climbed up the stairs and drug my chair behind me, because I don't need other people telling me how to do things.

DAVID

Get out!

MAX exits.

MOM

What did he say?

DAVID

He said he's not a real therapist, he's only pretending to be one because he's an asshole, and get the hell out of my apartment.

MOM starts to exit, but turns back in the doorway.

MOM

Wait, why would Dr. Black say, "Get the he--"

DAVID slams the door in MOM's face. He goes to the liquor cabinet and pours himself a drink, and returns to his plans. As he begins work, there is a knock on the door.

DAVID

God dammit.

DAVID answers the door to find WAYNE, DAVID's best friend.

WAYNE

Hey, buddy. How're things?

DAVID

Wayne, you will not believe what is going on right now.

WAYNE

What's going on?

DAVID

My mom has gone insane. The other day she was in here bawling her eyes out, telling stories about my life that I'd rather not remember. And just now, she brought in a therapist to try and talk me out of killing myself. I don't know what's gotten into her.

WAYNE

It probably has something to do with the fact that you're going to kill yourself. I mean, I'm not an expert in human behavior, but that probably has something to do with it.

DAVID

I guess so.

WAYNE

Speaking of which, how's that coming? Know how you're going to do it yet?

DAVID

I'm working on it right now. I'd like to go out in a unique way. I mean, I know in the long run it doesn't matter how I do it, but I'd like it to have a touch of personality, you know?

WAYNE

I hear you. Anyone can hang themselves in a closet. It takes a special someone to do it with a flower in their hair. Right?

DAVID

Something like that, yeah.

WAYNE

Well, let's see what you have.

(WAYNE crosses behind DAVID to the table. He chuckles.)

Every pragmatic. What is this pros and cons bullshit?

DAVID

I'm trying to find the most effective, yet most creative, way to off myself. If I can find a method I can work with that will get me right away, then I'm going with it.

WAYNE

(Picks up a piece of paper, reads)

"Hanging. Pros: creativity with varying heights, cables/ropes, etc.; possibility for creative swinging. Cons: might not die right away, too easy to prevent/fail, choking." Good points.

(Different piece of paper)

"Drowning. Pros: bloated body upon discovery, I can't swim, variety of heights to play with, it can easily look like an accident. Cons: choking, not breathing, sharks." Sharks?

DAVID

You never know!

WAYNE

Where would you be drowning yourself?

DAVID

In the lake on the edge of town.

WAYNE

There are no sharks in the lake on the edge of town.

DAVID

Whatever. Check out the "Gun" entry. It's the thing I really worry about.

WAYNE

Okay. "Gun. Pros: pretty much guaranteed, potential for hostages/standoff/epic ending. Cons: what if everything goes wrong and I end up like this one guy I saw on the Discovery Channel who was high on meth and took a shotgun to his head but actually blew his face off and now he goes around the country with no face talking about the dangers of meth?"

(Pause.)

Wow.

DAVID

I know.

WAYNE

That would be horrifying.

DAVID

I know!

WAYNE

I will admit, I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but I feel like you're thinking too far inside the box.

DAVID

What do you mean?

WAYNE

Well, right now, it looks like you're trying to decide between methods. Why not try to decide between results? Do you want to go quietly? Bloody? Epically?

DAVID

Huh. I didn't think of that.

WAYNE

Once you decide the results, you can combine a few different methods to create that result.

(Sits at the table)

So, how would you like people to find your body?

DAVID

Well, it doesn't have to be shocking, since people already know I'm going to kill myself. (Pause.) It should be in a semi-public place. I don't want to die completely in private, but I also don't want to be completely exposed. (Pause.) As far as messiness goes, there should be a little blood, but not any more than necessary. I'd like to leave a little bit of a mark. (Pause.) Is that enough to work with?

WAYNE

Just one last question. Would you like to die in front of people, or just be discovered?

DAVID

(Pause, thinking)

You know, I've been in the background for a long time, doing things that were imperceptible to the rest of the world, and it would only make sense that I continue that trend.

WAYNE

So you're saying...

DAVID

I'm going to do it in front of people.

WAYNE

Okay. So it's a semi-public suicide with a splash of gore. (Pause.) Were any of the power tools salvaged in the fire?

DAVID

Yeah. Why?

WAYNE

Here's what I'm thinking: get a battery powered circular saw, and climb to the top of the court house. The cops will be there fairly quickly, and before anyone can tell you to stop, jump. Then, just before hitting the ground, turn on the saw and hold it up to your neck. The impact with the ground will push the saw to your neck, spreading blood all over.

DAVID

That sounds terrible.

WAYNE

(Gleefully)

It is, isn't it? Plus, it would be fun to see if you can decapitate yourself at the last second.

DAVID

Do you have an idea a little less... gruesome?

WAYNE

Well, how about you get a gun, and stand in front of the library, spewing a whole bunch of shit about how there's nothing left in the world, and politics and religion has ruined everything, and the only way out is to shoot yourself. Then, have people talk you out of it, only to take out a knife and slice your brachial artery.

DAVID

Where's my brachial artery?

WAYNE

It's under your bicep. You'll bleed out in seconds.

DAVID

Really?

WAYNE

Yeah. I saw it in a movie once.

DAVID

Shit, if we're going to do stuff from movies, I might as well take a cue from Wile E. Coyote and shove a stick of dynamite up my ass.

WAYNE

Well, if that works for you...

DAVID

No. That's not going to work for me.

WAYNE

(Checks watch)

Well, I'd love to stay and help, but I have a meeting in a few minutes. I just thought I'd stop by and see how things were going.

DAVID

They're going great. I'll keep trying to come up with something.

WAYNE

Great. Can't wait to see what you come up with. Bye, David.

DAVID

See you.

WAYNE exits. DAVID returns to his work. After a moment of reading plans, he goes to the liquor cabinet to find that he's out of liquor. He curses, grabs his coat, and exits the apartment.

END ACT I