Into the Mind
Roman had barely mentioned his name when he noticed this animal-like thing wither in agony. There she lay in a pool of her dried blood, coughing and panting. Part of him felt minor sympathy but the other half delighted in curiosity. Here he had in his possession a mystical creature, all his and free of authority. That is, Roman was free of pressures of mankind and he could tend to the angel anyway he saw fit.
He knelt on her right side and every few seconds Roman glanced at his kneecaps. No, you haven't crossed the borders of the circle. You are fine. A deep breath and Roman furthered his examination of angel.
She is suffering. Maybe you should offer her a pillow or least tend to her wounds. Look, she coughed again and barely has the strength to lift a hand. What if she dies and you're left alone?
"She will not die!" Roman yelled, shaking his head back and forth.
He studied the angel again and noticed she was staring back at him in disbelief.
"Sorry," he said softly. "I was… I was thinking of someone else. Don't worry. I'm sane, I promise," he lied.
Sane indeed! What man strikes a deal with the Boss Devil himself? Are you actually prepared for his payment?
"Yes, I am," Roman said softly.
A rustle of sheets and moaning echoed throughout the stone walls. His purchase stirred and wiggled. When she stopped moving, the angel turned and stared blankly in his direction.
"Are you OK?"
She shook her head slowly. "My wings, they ache."
Roman shrugged. "It's understandable. I would be hurting if I was in your position too. Anything you need though?"
"I feel too weak to drink but I have a question."
His heart began to quicken its pace. Foolish man, now she wants to know. Be careful to not reveal too much.
"I won't." he said.
"You won't what?" she asked.
He noted her tone; it was an octave higher, as if she was nervous. "What is your question," Roman inquired, ignoring the angel's second question.
A wheeze and another cough. She leaned over the wood plank, frowning in his direction. "Earlier you said, 'Yes, I am.' What do you mean?"
Might as well tell the truth now, imbecile. You are already in over your neck. Maybe speaking of some truth will give you some repent from hiring a middleman from hell, stealing her.
Roman swallowed and rubbed the wrinkles on his cheek nervously. "You really want to know?"
She nodded immediately.
"I have a terrible debt to fill. Actually, I have two technically. To bring you here I agreed to give up my wife in a swap; her life for yours. My wife, she… she..."
His head dropped sadly towards the stone floor.
"What is it?" he heard the angel ask.
Roman slowly lifted his head and shivered. "My wife; her health was failing. It was only a matter of time before the immense loss of blood took its toll. One day, I prayed for a solution and a little grayish man with a top hat appeared almost instantly. He said he could help but the cost would be great. I mentioned to the Boss Devil, I wished for my wife to not suffer and asked if there was a way to save her. I also told the little impish creature I didn't want to be alone either. He said there was a way, but I wouldn't like the choice. The deal was I would place my wife's soul in his hands and the Boss Devil in return would steal an angel from Heaven. This way I would have an immortal wife, one who would never die and leave me."
He noticed her face pale into a light shade of blue. "Well, that's the short version of the story anyway," Roman added.
The angel stared open-mouthed.
Roman shrugged, "You asked, not me."
"So, you gave up her for me?"
"I did. It was the hardest decision I ever made."
"Is she… Is it dead? That's what humans call it right?" the angel said.
"Not yet. Tomorrow though. Tomorrow… Are you sure you don't need something?" he asked.
"What was the other debt?" she said curiously.
"Uh hem!" Roman said, and swallowed more saliva. "If by some chance you don't survive the impish figure will extract my own soul. He mentioned it was an extra payment for his own hard earned work. I agreed since you are an angel, therefore you're immortal right? You can't die, so I have no reason to worry. You are immortal right?"
"I'm bleeding," she said simply. "I've never bled before."
Roman stiffened and before he could ask what the angel meant, a puff of whitish and blackish smoke appeared, inches from the circle.
Both Roman and the angel gawked north, where the smoke appeared. A man or something that resembled a man stepped into view.
The angel noticed the corners of Roman's eyes twitched and his hands shook slightly. A tail wagged behind the figure as it walked over to Roman. As the figure stood, he tipped a brown hat and bowed. She noticed when the thing tapped the human called Roman with his triangle tail; Roman jumped and eased away from the wood plank.
It can't be! It's too soon, too soon. Why is he here?
"Why are you here?" Roman blurted.
"Payment time. By the way, how is the little lass holding up?" the figure snickered.
Roman stood angrily and clenched his fists by his waist. "She is fine. Why are you here?"
"Your wife's days are nearly over. I'm afraid plans will have to be changed. I thought it would be in the best interest of my current client that you are aware that I will in …-" The figure stopped, and checked his wrist watch. "It's quarter of twelve and in fifteen minutes I'll will kindly take your wife's soul, as planned, rather than tomorrow. A fresh aura is more easily controlled then one that has been dead for a day."
"But Boss," Roman started, reaching his arm outwards, "We agreed, you can't! Wait, so I can say goodbye at the hospital," he pleaded.
He staggered towards the Boss Devil and before Roman had a chance to grab the devil's purple cloak, the devil smiled and eased away a few inches from his grasp.
"I see your precious lass is bleeding. Better take care of her or she'll die," the devil roared with laughter and with that, he disappeared into thin air.
Imagination coaxed my finger tips while Smaur's story Wraith inspired my outlook. Have fun with this one. 
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=7276&highlight=
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Next time don't just edit... post! Yeesh...
Smaur's right. The demon is rather glitzy and stuff... therefore the name "Azure" is perfect! I can imagine looking like a magician of sorts. If this were a serious piece of fiction, I probably would suggest you to just have Roman run over and trying to save her, only to realize he was too late and then have Azure tell him, very mockingly of course, all the particular details, but still!
Aw shucks...
No, I'm not a demon expert, believe it or not, but after doing a little bit of research (note the word "little") I came across a couple of things. Please note that I am of Catholic faith, which may differ from your own view of Christianity. Because of this, I do believe in demons and the like, which always makes things interesting.
Demons are different from Satan! A passage from Matthew:
"Then they brought to him a demoniac who was blind and mute. He cured the mute person so that he could speak and see. All the crowd were astounded and said, "Could this perhaps be the Son of David?" But when the Pharisees heard this, they said, 'This man drives out demons only be the power of Beelzebul, the prince of demons.'"
-- Matthew 12:22-24
And... more stuff!
Different Christian views on Demons. A general overview, anyway. It mostly deals with the Catholic church, but remember that the Catholic church was first. ^_^
Terribly interesting, but rather long article about demons. This time, make no doubts -- these are the teachings of the Catholic church.
So, from these two links, you can see that the devil and demons are quite different. The devil, aka Satan or Beelzebul, is the head honcho of all the demons. The demons are anyone who willingly follow the devil and try to tempt others into turning against God. The general consensus is that demons are the opposite of angels and, as such, have the same "powers" as angels. The only difference is they have no god.
Another interesting thing to read would be C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters (which, in my opinion, is ten times better than Narnia). I did a review on it, if you're interested. Anyway, in the beginning, there is a preface in which C.S. Lewis answers some questions. This is what he says:
Gah... I am such a geek.
Anyway, I hope the links are interesting! ^___________^
Hehehe...
And yes, he is a dork at times too. LOL!
It was done on purpose but it never occured to me that I would be describing ancient Egypt practices.Why thank you, Smaur and thank you for taking a peak. The second half needs editing because I don't feel it captures the atmophere of the room. I have two choices, which I haven't decided and that's when the editing will commence. A 'hospital' in reality is a very vague word and if I choose this *cough*route*cough* it should give depth to three of the characters - Roman, Azure and the wife. Heh, actually if I choose this specific route, the first installment will have to be changed as well.
The other choice is your generic ER. The ER would be extreamly easy for me to write, since I know this room all too well.
I'm far from done with Roman and Birch but the story itself will have a lot of POV switches. I haven't wrote in the third person in a while, so it will be interesting for me to see how rusty I am.
Yes, Azure is bizarre and mysterious, at least to me. When I sink into his character, the things that will develope, with be that much weirder.
Thank again for your imputs! I'll PM you, if want, when I post the third part.
A mixture of creeping and interesting. Hurray!
The demon is delightfully eccentric and bizarre. He's creepy but entertaining; the tongue is a major grossing-out factor, but then he goes and does things, like:
Some notes:
- Azure. Heheh. I can't help but picture him spangled in glittery blue sequins.
which is pretty much the dorkiest thing ever.
Although I'm going to point out that you do interchange devil and demon, whereas I don't think they're necessarily interchangeable. Or at least, in this context, with Hell and all. Snoink has a better idea of the mythos, I think, so I'll leave this for her, but they're definitely different things.
-
Heehee. The idea of the soul is nice — "penny-sized light"? I want one of those. The other thing is that the soul escaping through the nose sounds remarkably like the mummification process, where they push the brain out via the nose. I don't know if you did this on purpose, but it's neat.
- Roman's wife. Aww. She needs a hug.
I don't know if you mean to return to Roman and Birch, but this alternate route of the demon and Roman's wife is fascinating. The demon is so theatrical and fun, and the story so far is delightful.
As for the other questions I have a fairly good grasp of the basic outlining of my version and most of those questions will be answered. Knowing my imagination the answers will probably be bazaar but on the same level, realistic. Heh, I'll try and write more. Thanks for the extra shove.
Edit, I wrote a little more and it came out really bazaar! At least I think so. *shrugs* Well, enjoy the next half:
------------------------------------------
A half-circled door opened, and two dark, blue legs stepped in a room with intricate tools on tin trays in a single-file line. The trays were in a corner of the room next to a sink, about a eight feet away from the figure. The door split into two pieces, and then evaporated into thin air. The figure tip-toed and peered around corners, checked under empty beds and even looked behind his shoulder twice.
The figure glanced towards the ceiling and winced. There were several light fixtures mounted to the ceiling, possibly fifteen. The figure raised a hand under his eyes, to shield them from the brightness.
"Ah, no cameras or others around. This pleases me, yes it does," the figure smirked.
Bringing its body on all four legs, the figure walked slowly to its destination. It heard the click and clack, as its claws touched the cement floor.
Within seconds, the figure approached a specific bed. It was neatly tailored with cotton sheets and there were two metal gates, one on each side of the bed. The gates were raised high so whoever was unfortunate to spend the night in the room would not roll onto the floor.
A forked tongue slipped out of its mouth and the figure watched it intently as the tongue slink ed and crawled up the stomach of a body lying quietly in their bed. The tongue reached the neck and it stopped suddenly. It chose to momentarily rest itself on the collar bone of the body.
The figure stood on the left side and shook the metal gate roughly and stamped a foot.
"You evul little munster! No time for gums. Gut on with it! Wake her and quit pluying gums," the figure growled.
The tongue seemed to understand its master's calling and it responded by sliding upwards near an ear and slipped inside the ear canal. Inside the ear canal, the tongue traveled near the bodies' nostrils and tickled the thin hairs with one of its points.
"Gut on with it! Quit fulling arooned. Wake her," the figure said.
The tongue retracted; out of the ear canal and crept by the closed eyelids. With one of its points it tapped an eyelid like a hand would knock on a door. It repeated the ritual five times, until a whimper escaped the lips of the body lying in the bed.
Instantly, the forked tongue responded and retracted again; this time back in the figure's mouth.
"Well done old friend. She's awake. Now, we can finish business, and be gone from this treacherous world."
The figure reached a claw out and stroked her cheek with the back of its hand. An arrow shaped tail wagged excitedly. The figure brought its pale bluish muzzle to the bodies head and pressed its scaly lips against her ear.
"We've been waiting for you. You will enjoy your new home and all the trimmings. A warning however. It does get a teeny-weeny warm down there, but after your skin undergoes its transformation, the heat is tolerable."
The bed bounced and the body whimpered once more.
"Shh… My lass, the fighting will soon be over and whatever pain you are feeling will be gone," the figure whispered.
A cough and the body sputtered fresh blood from the corners of her lips.
"Shh… Calm yourself and be patient. You will feel my hand around your wrist; ignore the cold sensation. Understand?"
Another whimper.
"Good. The grip around your wrist is to prevent any sudden movements. Wouldn't want you to run off, now would we," the figure giggled at the sarcastic joke. "So far, so good?"
The body twisted in a new direction in the bed and she moaned.
"I'll take that as a yes. After I have your wrist in my hand, you will feel a sharp jerk in the chest area. At first, it may seem painful but don't worry. I'm a master and extracting souls has been my specialty for over six centuries. You're in good hands, rest assured, lass."
"Ra… Ra..."
"Quiet! He's not here, so don't bother calling for him," the figure bellowed. "It's time! Enough diddly-daddling."
The figure reached and gripped her wrist firmly in his. He checked the left wrist, noting his claws hadn't accidentally sliced a vein before the figure proceeded. An open palm slowly traveled to the center of her chest. The palm stopped and hovered over her breasts.
An orb the size of a nickel formed almost immediately in the devil's palm. The orb grew larger until it was the size of a silver dollar. The color emitting from the palm was a light shade of blue and it engulfed the demon, causing him to glow.
The demon brought his hand towards his face and smiled at the orb. The centuries have never dulled his interest and he took delight in craft every time he saw a new orb; a new soul to manipulate.
He inhaled a deep breath and blew his breath on the glowing object. The orb danced and swayed in the air, as if it was a snowflake in a current of wind.
The body stirred and grunted softly. "Ra… Ra… Ro…, Roman?" she wheezed.
"Nope," the demon giggled. "I'm not him. In the fire, you will know me as Azure."
"Ro…-" Her voice was cut short as the orb plunged itself inside her body. A gurgling and gasp escaped her lips. She convulsed and then her head swung to the right.
The demon chuckled, reached behind and patted his back. "Good job, Self. Good job. We have another one."
A minute passed, and a small, bluish light, the size of a penny, floated slowly out of one of the woman's nostrils.
A wave of anticipation filled an empty cavity inside the demon. His vital organs were extracted the day he agreed to hunt hateful souls for a living.
The demon opened his mouth and the forked tongue danced inside on its two points as if it had legs. The orb reacted and bolted inwards. He shut his jaw and rubbed his stomach.
"Oh… You are a feisty one. The pure evil emitting from your aura is satisfying. You will do us proud, yes you will."
He cocked his head slightly and listened. "Voices… And the cavalry has arrived!"
The demon quickly brought his watch to his face and checked the time. "Ah, right on schedule." He surveyed the room once more to assure he was still alone and then he peered at Roman's dead wife. "He never did deserve you. Your were meant for me," the demon spat and before visitors entered the room, a puff of black and white smoke appeared and Azure vanished.
Could you possibly go into more detail on the angel? Is she really gorgeous? Or more alien, since she's not human. If his wife dies does the angel live? and how on earth did the Boss Devil or whoever steal an angel? Why is she bleeding? is it because she's left heaven? is she still"pure" or what? WRITE MORE!!!!!!
Hehe. It's raining so I have nothing better to do then what I do best; ramble on and on.
The Roman I saw was not a compassionate, caring, thoughtful man. Not by a long shot. Scared and uneasy, yes, but that's it.
Of course, Snoink will probably know what I'm getting at, and even you too Smaur.
Or should I say problems? Uh huh... That's right. 
Yeah, I noticed, lol. But for some odd reason that quality has drawn me to his character. Giving up his wife ... pfft... like that. It seems to prove there had to been other conflicts, like why is he so fearful of being alone? Seriously, how could someone sacrifice their wife especially when their about to die? Clearly there is something else going in with this Roman I've haven't tapped into yet. I'm actually surprised Snoink didn't catch on to this too.Snoink and I got in a long debate about this story, as you can see. She wasn't happy I quickly exposed him, lol. She wanted him to remain mysterious and assumed I would follow this route. But... That's not necessarily my writing style, even though I agree 100% to lead a reader on with bits of details. I treat characters I grow fond of as if they were realand I wanted to get a feelfor Roman. I wanted to get inside his head and understand his motives from the little information I gathered. What better way to understand someone then to get inside their thoughts?
If I continue with this and I probably will at some point, his loneliness will be the ultimate direction where I want to take this version. Loneliness has quite a few levels and it will only a matter of time before his 'voice', and other realities, which haven't been brought forth yet, finally break him into doing something unnatural.
Oh, yeah. *smacks forehead* If his constant belittling (his voice) isn't bad enough, how about our little friend, the devil to add to Roman's personality?
Let's keep in mind two main things with this story: 1. The dude (Roman) is a sorry, pathetic, jerk. Yes, he cares for his wife but fears too much to be alone instead. 2. The angel is suffering greatly. She's slipping in and out of conscious, bleeding and vomiting. In other words, if I may, she seems to be dieing but slowly.
Well... This is where Roman comes in play at some point. And the devil will add to his troubles. I love antagonists in stories, lol, especially when they are annoying but directly effect the main character(s).
Yay! Smaur liked my story. But.. but.. No crits? *dies of shock*
LOL, yeah he's definitely conflicted. From what I gather while reading through this again, he carries more demons and mishaps then the Roman you and Snoink are portraying. He just seems to have a lot of baggage; things that are built and are slowly erupting from his mouth. I'm not sure myself until I do more exploring but it appears something drastic happened. Something... *scratches head* Something more then his dieing wife... Hmm... It just seems there's more to it then what's happening. And here I go again, analyzing, my own story too. *slaps self* LOL.
Every once in a while, I find the correct wording.
LOL! I actually forgot about this when Snoink and I got into our little debate. Ah well. Like that, eh?
Yay! Smaur likes it. *does a little dance* Thanks for the comments. *coughs* I already see grammar errors. *coughs* Snoink disagrees but I think I have a more complicated Roman then I bargained for, lol. We will see.
Smaur must be flattered right now, lol.
Hee hee. I love you guys.
À la Demons and Angels, I'm not going to crit this, but more or less ramble on and on about things that I thought were cool.
- The Boss Devil. Hehehe. He has a purple cloak and a wrist watch and needs fresh auras to manipulate. You've made him such a fun character.
- Your version of Roman. It's different from Snoink's and mine; he's wrinkly and has a dying wife and may or may not have multiple personality disorder. He's literally conflicted; he's got a Real Live Voice In His Head (or real enough) that talks to him and berates him and insults him plenty. Plus, you give us a better idea of Roman and his motives and feelings through his conversations with Little Voice Dude:
Yeah, he's creepy and doesn't love his wife as deeply and truly as maybe he should (sacrificing her up for an angel? wow, that's true love for you
-
I didn't even notice this the first time I read it, but I like this. We're reminded once again that she's distinctly unhuman, and in such a cool way! Her face turns blue. I love it.
This is intriguing. I don't know why the angel switched from "she" to "it" but I have a lot of speculations; first and foremost, her being guilty and trying to stifle that guilt by objectifying his wife. But it makes her a much more human character, and to some degree, puts her on a level close to Roman. She's not willing to deal with the consequences of her arrival in Roman's basement, and as you took the religious route (like Snoink
Knowing where Wraith actually goes, your version and Snoink's version are so much cooler than the actual story.
Hmm... I can change the rating if you really want me too Griffin, but I honestly don't see anywhere where R rated material is suggested.
Up to you though. If you think there should be a rating, then I'll put one on it.
This is good for your age, write more.
My favorite part was this: "A rustle of sheets and moaning echoed throughout the stone walls. His purchase stirred and wiggled."
It was great; but shouldn't this be rated R?
Then again, I didn't think of that myself and here he was near the circle, lol. The poor man, lmao.
Well, he doesn't know anything or how she's coping with the changes and pain. Remember, we only know because we're the readers. Roman however, only knows what is physical displayed in front of him, not the angel's visions and such.
I, however wasn't under the impression she wasn't acting like a small child. I guess if that was the case, I would have approached it better. But I never saw that at all. I saw a weak, frail angel falling in and out of conscious, then eventually she bleeds and vomits.
Edit, fixed some lose ends in my fatique state. Smaur... Enjoy!
Well... okay, I suppose I didn't like the POV. It was like, do we have to know every stinking comment that goes in his mind??? I mean, if you did it and described something differently, then it would be okay, but...
You know something like this:
Vomit. He scrunched up his nose and felt woozy. Slowly he began to back up. This was getting harder, much too hard.
You know, something else besides a miserable pit of angst.
Could this be because since she is becoming human, she's beginning to have more human things happen with her? I mean, she's vomiting and bleeding all over the place. Isn't it possible that she has also soiled herself, so that the circle is filled with human filth? That would be enough motive for me...
Besides, he might have been asked by the demon to not directly interfere with her.
This angel is just like an innocent little child, at the moment anyway. Would you tell the little child how much your life sucked? No! Because the child wouldn't be able to understand. Besides, she's going through a lot more than Roman, so why would he feel compelled to tell her a sob story of his life? Doesn't he feel enough like she's handling enough?
Actually, my Roman didn't actually spill his heart to her directly. He was having internal conflicts with himself and kept unconsionsally blurting answers out loud. That caused curiosity with the angel, so she asked.
I don't know about you but if someone asks me a question I try to properly answer it. Roman did that.
Technically, yes. However, in Smaur's original story Roman stays clear of this 'special' circle. He seems to afraid of it. The angel is inside of the circle so for whatever reason he doesn't step inside it. So if he's afraid how can he help her?
I don't know anymore than you because Smaur hasn't told us, so.... *twiddles thumb* I suggested Roman to be curious with the angel and in return have him belittle himself. This in return brought out his character.
Hmm... In Smaur's original story, I never noticed anywhere where Roman actually seemed sympathletic. That actually was the basis of my version. Here he was not moving and inch near her, except offering a drink. Woopie. Don't you think that's a jerky thing to do? That's what I saw from the original and I went with it.
XD
Oh come on...
What you have to do with those kind of characters is the SLAM DOWN! method. That's what you do with the character, not make him an overemotional wussy! I mean really... he sees her like this, and now that he sees her vomit, he feels ashamed of what he's done. Maybe, but wouldn't he feel more ashamed that he's enslaving her in the first place?
And besides, if I saw someone vomit on herself, not able to even clean up afterwards, I wouldn't feel pity. I would feel sickened. And I would either rush up and try to help or run away as quickly as I could.
Also, your Roman is a bleeding heart liberal. "OMG! SHE'S IN PAIN SO I'M GOING TO WHINE TO HER ABOUT MY SUCKY LIFE SO SHE UNDERSTANDS! OMG, I SUCK SO MUCH!"
...really.
LMAO! That was great. I laughed so hard, my injured kneecap flared again.
What choice does she have? She can't move and is bleeding to death. If I was in her position I would want to know everything about my capture or find a clue to his reasoning. I'm (the angel) a prisoner and barely able to move. So, what else is there left?You make good points but I made the decision to not drag this into a five pager. Thus I revealed things soon. However... I agree about leading a reader on and giving some little detail every so often.
Seeing your reaction, I think your a tad displeased with my choice, lol. So, I guess I'll explain my reasoning. You're right; Roman is letting her suffer therefore he's cruel right?
As for my Roman,
Think of it this way; most people automatically assume when someone is about to die, sadness should develop. Ah ha, and here is where my twisted mind comes into effect.
As for Roman blurted his whole past, *shrugs* if I was in his position and with no else to talk too, I guess I would speak my mind too. Hey, the angel is the only vi sable person there. Who else is he to talk to? His wife is practically dead, might as well spill something.
Eh, sorry, Snoink. But my version made Roman a jerk in some respects. Mysterious is no more.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
See? It doesn't really seem to fit.
If Roman has a wife, then that means that he CAN'T be hot and handsome and that means that he probably CAN'T have a hot and sweaty scene with the angel and make her bleed in a completely different way...
And you missed his character! *sobs* He's this mysterious character that messes around with demons and he's going to be suddenly dumping out his entire soul to this angel? NO! If anything, he's going to feel a bit of restrain. She's his burden. If he is indeed doing this for his wife, then this means he loves his wife deeply. So the angel, if anything, is going to be something that he almost loathes because if his wife weren't going through whatever she is going through, then he wouldn't have to take care of her! He wouldn't just spill his secrets out to her!
Besides, he's mysterious. The way you make a mysterious character is by describing him completely and fully to the reader without telling the reader anything. For instance, when I write about Sadie's father, I don't tell you why he's so cool and cruel. I just lead you in, slowly revealing bits and pieces. And another thing I do, at least when I'm writing, is I give it some time to make you really curious about the character. One way that I love doing is getting other characters' reactions to the mysterious character before letting the readers on to the secret. And, unless I have a really really really good reason for doing it, I try not to let the character dump his emotions at once.
That's what you're doing.
And she's in pain, plus she's being enslaved by him. Why should she CARE about anything he's facing? I might be pure and innocent and slightly sympathetic, but dammit, if I'm an angel, I want to go home, and *he's* the reason I'm not going home. He's not cleaning her up, he's not doing anything physically to help her, he's just whining about his wife. Why should she care?
...I sound like I'm being ultra-critical, but really, I'm delighted with the story. Thus the long ultra-argumentive critique.
*swoons* I'm starting to love fanfic.
Do you realize that the only fanfic in this forum section so far is about smaur's work? XD