i look into his eyes
and see the bay water
rippling like my heart.
holding his golden hands,
light catches the sun’s eyelashes
all over his arms.
right then,
he felt more
like a hug from god.
sand on my mouth
after i kissed his thumb
and i couldn’t care less.
i’m dating the sun.
***
he stares
at the peridot fractals
in my eyes.
his voice,
like the white noise
of the water
blanketing the shore.
his sundrop fingers
brush my highlighted bangs
out of the way,
planting love on my cheek.
my sun
kissed me
and left me red in the face.
i’ve never been closer to him,
i melt;
becoming one with the waves.
~~~
golden hour light
smiles on the back of our necks.
i don't need the sun,
the the sky,
the sand,
the waves—
it's all beside me.
holding my hand.
tender and gentle.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Oh my goodness!
I love this very much, I was kicking my feet up in the air as I read this. You make the theme of romance very clear and well put out. The speaker talking about how they are dating the sun is just so sweet. You describe everything so nicely and so smooth in this poem and I applauded you for that.
Hi! It’s CATS here to review this sweet poem! Lemme start, shall I?
O. M. G. Why is it soooooo good!? The sun is described so beautifully stunning, with human like qualities, both in personality and in looks! I can picture such a beautiful view just from the start!!!!!
Now I know what the narrator is saying, he or she is dating the sun! I love how you describe it so sweetly, like a daydream or a magical dream!
Last paragraph, chefs kiss. A stunning finish, like the cover of a gold book. Nature is all around the narrator, giving the reader a sense of peace and belonging. Overall, I think it is PERFECTION and I am excited to hear more of your perfect poems! Happy Writing, pro poet!
Sincerely,
CATS
This is so beautiful omg
This is excellent, I may be back to review, but for now just wanted to drop a comment that I enjoyed reading!
This reminds me of Achilles and Patroclus.
I don't read poetry, except when it is in the books I'm reading but I must say that this is absolutely beautiful and I really enjoyed reading it.
Feels like reading a poem right from the Romantic Period! The use of nature to describe the warmth and softness of a person is so beautiful. I personally have never been able to write poetry so whenever I read poems and especially when its this beautifully written, I am in awe.
I LOVE LOVE
Hi FireEyes!
I really like the softness of this poem. Any sort of romantic piece lends itself to that tone well, but I think paired with the sun imagery there's a gentle and carefree quality to the whole thing. This is very atmospheric. It seems quite simple, but the specific descriptions do a good job at strengthening the speaker's love toward this person.
"sundrop fingers" is such a unique way of personifying features of a sun, and "highlighted" is a clever adjective to describe the speaker's hair, as it complements the sun imagery well.
Also, describing the speaker's eye shape/color as "peridot fractals" is so beautiful!
I love the touch of using "~~~" to simulate waves! I almost think it could've been saved for this moment in the poem, and where it's used earlier in the piece it could be changed or removed?
One thing I noticed was the use of present tense in the beginning - middle of the poem, and then the switch to past tense starting at the line "brushed my highlighted bangs". I'm not sure if this is intentional but I feel like the tense should stay consistent throughout the poem, unless there was intended to be a time switch at a certain point! If that then was the case, I suggest using a similar stanza breaking strategy as the "~~" to emphatically show the present/past switch.
I think the standout quality for me was the soft, hopeless romantic theme. There's something to be said about the direct, simple, but powerful nature in which you're able to describe the speaker's love without being overdone or cliche. I personally have a hard time writing about romantic love because of that, but it's well done here. I think anyone can relate to the feelings the speaker describes; even if not romantic, any kind of love leaves this sort of "warmth" on someone.
Hope to read more!
Thank you so much for the review! You're so right about the verb tense, I didn't catch that! I'll fix that when I get the chance. It's so cool that you picked up on the more subtle hints like the "highlighted" hair.
You've also got me thinking I could perhaps change the first stanza break to asterisks to simulate the sun. Just to add some more fun visual interest.
Thank you so much <3