this is not a happy poem
and you should already know this.
blame calliope, blame the fates.
blame persephone and hades
and the railroad track to hell.
it always ends the same.
i fell in love with his fingers on fretboards—
the son of a muse—
and i was just a hungry young girl.
he made me see what could be
of the narrative told about us.
maybe we’d make the right decision
but the decision was always the same.
we’ve seen the play, we’ve read the story
and so many times we asked if this
would finally be the happy ending we wished for.
i keep thinking maybe this is the time
he won’t look back.
in my famine, i got us here
in saving me, he’s doomed us both.
the underworld lives
in the judgement on people’s faces
when they see a poor boy
and a runaway girl
trying to make their way out together.
don't we already know how this goes?
we walk these railroad tracks of hell
lined with rose petals
grieving over and over again.
what is it about suffering
that makes us feel so close?
i suppose love just happens to be sad.
hope and doubt are two sides
of the same coin.
it lingers in the phrase
“i can’t believe i get to be yours.”
pats on the back letting go from a hug,
rereading letters, saying “i love you”
waiting for a response—
it’s all looking back.
and i don’t blame him.
we’re two pieces of the universe
looking back at itself.
but maybe if i read it again,
just one more time,
it'll turn out how we want it.
i know he’s coming, i know i’ll wait.
and i know we’ll end up here again.
we almost made it last time.
it’s not a happy poem,
oh, but it is a love poem.
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137,581 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
Hi FireEyes! erilea, rusty YWSer, member of Team Chicken, and Hadestown lover here for a review.
I like how your poem begins sort of like an adapted invocation of the muse, with "blame calliope" in the third line. The first two lines are great back-to-back and really set the weary tone that some Hermes iterations have adopted in the musical.
Your poem flows well, plodding and introspective, almost reminiscent of the actual walk out of Hadestown. I would recommend examining each line to see if they're load-bearing. Certain lines, like
and
are evocative and unique, explaining exactly why Eurydice is drawn to Odysseus or characterizing the despair of Hadestown. However, lines like
reiterate the feeling of repetition your first few lines have already created, and they sort of break the voice of the narrator. I think a good trick (that I myself have to get better at) is using effective verb phrases, like "the underworld lives... on people's faces" instead of verbs like see, think, know, is, etc. That adds a lot of dimension to each line.
Relatedly, I'm curious about the penultimate paragraph, which seems divorced from the narrative of Orpheus and Eurydice and set in a separate universe. Is this still Eurydice speaking? Or someone speaking through her voice and story? Why only in this paragraph? If this is a separate voice, I would make it more clear. If this is still Eurydice, I'm just a little confused by lines like "rereading letters" which I don't recall from the musical, given the rest of the poem has been very faithful to the musical.
The message of this poem is achingly familiar, and you capture the razor's edge of hope that every character in Hadestown attempts to balance on. I love the elements of existentialism that come in, like "we're two pieces of the universe / looking back at itself." You could do even more with that.
Have a great Review Day, and keep writing!
XOX,
erilea
Hi FireEyes! Excited to dive in with you on this work. Thanks for sharing it! I'll be using the #TeamEgg template for today's review in honor of Review Day!
The Shell: A Round Interpretation - Overall Thoughts
I really love the direction you're heading with this. I am a sucker for a greek myth reinterpretation, and you've picked a great one! Your third stanza is by far the strongest of the poem, and I'm excited to dive into the critique to strengthen the poem even further!
The Yolk: The Best Bits
ahhhh this is so good. Don't change a thing.
quick thought, what if it was "i suppose this love just happens to be sad"?
The Egg Whites: Time to Stir - Suggestions
Okay so I think something that would benefit you overall as you continue to develop your poetic voice is practicing balance between telling the story instead of showing it through metaphor and imagery and other poetic devices. It's okay to tell sometimes, it can actually be very effective. But by developing elements of your voice that leave more up to the reader's interpretation, you're going to expand the impact of your words by so much. Some places I'd like you try experimenting with that are below.
How can you set the scene and tell this story in a new, more complex way? Practice, see how you feel about it.
Overall, great work - great pick of a myth to base it on. Keep up the good work!
Brought to you by Team Egg - in honor of TheEgg
> in saving me, he’s doomed us both.
This line hit me pretty hard. You have no idea how close that hits to home for me.
Art is supposed to move us, so I'd say you definitely made some art here.
Omfg I wrote a whole amazingly great review and accidentally deleted it I'm gonna cry
Good morning, dear writer! Today, we chickens, for our longest dream of clearing the Green Room and dethroning the Golden Goose
to finally sit on it ourselves, bring to you-The Chicken Sandwich Template
Top Bun: First impressions
I love this so much. I clicked on it because I'm a Hellenist myself and I love things that mention my religion and beliefs.
Slightly Wilted Lettuce: Critiques
I hate critiquing because I suck at it. This is because I can't bring myself to judge someone older than me. Besides. I have no criticism.
Crispy Chicken: Favorite details
I loved this line
It sums up romance amazingly into one sentence. And I love that so much.
Ketchup: Suggestions for improvement
Again I have none
Bottom Bun: Closing thoughts
Anyway it's 12.30 am and I'm falling asleep, I wish I could have written a better review, probably remind me to come back and do so.
We hope this was helpful! Farewell now, we've got a Review Day to win!!
Bok bok bok buGAWK!!
Chickens
With best intentions, Yuuki
xxxxx