night falls upon the rings around my eyes
as i lay on my mattress and cradle my head
on a polka dot pillow case.
i used to have child-like horror-struck nightmares
until my mom told me each dot was a happy thought
just as my favorite preschool show taught.
i long for the days when colored polka dots were enough.
as my fears rose slowly like the moon
the saturated rainbow circles grew teeth
to sink into my head like the nightmare monsters again.
not monsters under my bed or in my closet,
but the person i’m afraid of becoming.
a mirror of the one who taught me to cope
who became the sharp-toothed creature of bad dreams.
happy thoughts don’t scare away bigger fears.
i used to kiss my pillow at the enticement of romance,
(the one thing that would keep me asleep)
and now, like a lightning flash against the blanket of night,
i imagine the wrong person,
i see him dying in my arms, i’m breaking his heart,
each dot is a method of betrayal.
i’m becoming her.
everyone tells me to stop thinking about it,
they’re not real, they can’t hurt me.
but boy, do they scare me. it's almost the same thing.
if only the creeping and cobwebbed hallways in my dreams
had nightlights and mirrors so i could finally
wake up from myself.
i’m stuck in these dreams clinging onto a pillow
i've long outgrown
trying to nurse my childhood back to life.
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140,068 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
FireEyes!! I always love your poetry, so I wanted to share my thoughts on this piece.
Immediately, the title "think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts" introduces the reader to the mind of the narrator. This is typically said in a desperate attempt of soothing and calming ones nerves and emotions, so I look forward to reading how this poem is going to expand on this title and capture the reader in an emotional whirlwind.
I first want to say that I love the voice throughout this poem. Perhaps it is reminiscent of some of my own poetry, but it feels confessional and personal. The narration and vulnerability truly feels as though we (the reader) are in the inner-most thoughts of the narrator. So great job with that. It's also very clearly written in a way that doesn't feel flat but intriguing. There's personality behind the lines while also remaining cohesive as a piece.
Gosh, what a first stanza. This stanza alone feels like a finished poem already. It reminiscent of the past, not in a dwelling way, but in a "those times felt simpler" sort of way. As we grow, as life grows, everything expands and becomes entangled, especially our emotions. The simple things that once made us smile no longer carry the same weight. I love these lines.
These lines remind me of a child who is so afraid of growing up and looking like someone who once brought them a lot of pain. Often times, the things we try to run away from catch up to us in unexpected ways. While these lines remain personal, they somehow feel relatable as the reader is able to interpret their own thoughts and experiences into the lines of poetry. The vulnerability is essential to this poem.
Wow, these lines really stuck out to me. Being terribly afraid of something is almost as detrimental as the thing itself. I don't have much else to expand on this besides that this continues to highlight the narrators existential thoughts.
It feels as thought the narrator is trying to go back in time and reverse some of the developments they had in their character or experiences. It feels raw, the image of someone trying to save their younger selves, all because of the constant feeling of fear that keeps this person awake. It's heart-breaking. This poem does not leave on a happy note, but a somber one that leaves the reader feeling sympathetic towards the narrator. However, it still feels like a good ending to the poem, as I don't find the poem to be lacking in any sense.
Overall, just a wonderful piece. I always love reading your work and hope you post more poetry soon!
Its actually funny that you dove into the title because its actually a double reference. As a kid I LOVED Yo Gabba Gabba and one of the episodes had a song called Think Happy Thoughts. And there's another song "Headfirst for Halos" by My Chemical Roman which is much less wholesome but the refrain is "Think happy thoughts" but I love your interpretation too!
While this is a deeply resonant and emotional piece--I like how the comfort previously associated with the pillow and the suggestion of the narrator's mother has now worn off or has been twisted into something negative, likely due to something the mother has done-- the structure is a bit hard to decipher and carries an uncomfortable rhythm that I don't think is intentional.
for example:
night falls upon the rings around my eyes 10A
as i lay on my mattress and cradle my head 12B
on a polka dot pillow case. 9C
i used to have child-like horror-struck nightmares 11 D
until my mom told me each dot was a happy thought 13 E
just as my favorite preschool show taught. 9 E
i long for the days when colored polka dots were enough. 14 F
the syllables in each line don't seem to carry any rhythm at all so I find it hard to gauge how it's meant to be read. In addition to the rhythm, there also seems to be no rhyme structure either. While poetry obviously isn't defined by rhyme and rhythm alone, it still tends to be impacted by these factors a lot.
Does what I say make sense? Anyways--
I'm assuming this is meant to be slam poetry and if I'm correct, I suggest using dashes in order to signal which places are meant to go fast or slow to achieve whatever impact you were going for.
But aside from the structure, I liked this one a lot! I liked how the narrator's mother, and the pillow linked to her have turned into a symbol of fear and betrayal, yet the pillow as a coping mechanism stuck with them even years after preschool, maybe symbolic of still feeling attachment to the mother they fear despite her faults? I also like the existentialism in the last part. I just, I just like it.
Anyways, yeah, great poem!