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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 8.1

by Que


September 20 • Friday

(6:37 am)

"I've never been the spontaneous type. The idea of doing something on the spot- just making a snap decision and acting on instinct- is terrifying. I wouldn't say my life is orderly, exactly, but that would be because of things I can't control. Being spontaneous... that's like just asking for regrets. Why would anyone purposely try to upset their life?

"But here, now, getting ready to do something crazy, it's a little bit thrilling. Scary, yes, but also a little exciting. Everything is unexpected, and although that leaves loads of negative situations open to happen, there are also incredible opportunities.

"-F-"

Finnley couldn't believe he was actually getting excited for this. After Mr. Hart had so discreetly passed along that address, he and Mia had looked it up. It wasn't part of a town, really, and it was only about an hour and a half away. They couldn't be sure, because Mia's father wouldn't tell her anything, but she was convinced that it was her Uncle Fred's address.

It was obvious that they needed to go- the hard part would be getting there. Of course, the two would have preferred to go alone, but neither's family would allow it. Mia wanted her father to come, but he was pretending the address didn't exist. She was convinced it was for the sake of her mother, who wanted her daughter completely disconnected from whatever heritage she might have.

Finnley's mom, however, was perfectly willing to go on a road trip. It had been easy enough to explain that it was Mia's uncle (which wasn't a lie) who she didn't see often anymore and wanted to visit, only her parents were too busy with work at the moment.

Things had changed in the morning, though, and when Finnley came down for breakfast, Mrs. Bale was withdrawn, holding back. It made his heart break. "I'm just not sure, dear," she worried. "I-I think I should work the weekend. You know, get some extra money. I know we're not desperate, but..."

Finnley nodded. He knew. "You don't have to, mom. You can work, if that's what's best for you. I keep meaning to get a job, I swear. If it means less work for you, I'd do anything."

She smiled, the way she did when she was trying to cover up problems. She had done it when he was a child, when she was worked up over things he couldn't yet comprehend. Finnley had seen through it even then, just as he saw through it now. Had things really gotten so bad?

"Just get on to school, alright?" she said gently. "Tell Mia I'm sorry. We'll make it up to her some other time. And don't forget homecoming is just a few weeks away!" Finnley grinned ruefully and shook his head. She was always tossing something in there to throw him off.

Finnley walked to school following what was now his usual route. Instead of walking alongside the dark and whispering depths of the forest, he veered deeper into town and stopped by Mia's house. She was leaning casually against the siding of her house, wearing a bright flower print dress with her backpack slung over one shoulder.

"Running a bit late, aren't we?" she teased, but stopped when she saw his face. "What happened?"

"Mom took it back, she won't go with us," Finnley said. His eyes were downcast. He couldn't bring himself to look at her face. "She's... well, she wants to work." He could feel Mia's searching eyes on him. She probably already knew what he was too embarrassed to say.

"Well, it looks like we'll just have to go on our own!" she declared, and Finnley looked at her now, eyes wild.

"On our own? Mia, are you crazy? Your mom might flay you alive, and mine'll die of anxiety!" He stopped and put a steadying hand on her shoulder, as if she was the one who needed steadying rather than him, but all she did was sigh dramatically.

"I didn't think you'd agree, but it was worth a shot." Mia patted his hand, still gripping her shoulder, as if telling him he could let go now. They began walking again towards the school, Mia calmly leading. "Listen. I know you've been looking for a part time job; we can head to town this afternoon and find you one. That'll make your mom less worried. In the meantime, while you work your bum off at some mundane job, I'll see if I can find a phone number in connection with this address. Everything doesn't have the happen right away, see? We have time to work it out."

Finnley wasn't sure if her words or her presence were more comforting. Though she spoke softly, he found that he could still see her fiery spirit within. He was sure, however, that he only looked pale, not fiery at all. He had felt haunted ever since their encounter in the forest. When he occasionally fell asleep, his dreams were full of looming trees, hoots howls and two glowing eyes, like the remnants of burning coals.

Mia was right, though. Even becoming a part-time cashier at the grocery store would be a big help, not only to his mom but to him as well. Work to push away the nightmares that were a little too real.

"Alright," Finnley said. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. No one needed to dwell on such horrible things anyway. "That sounds like a great idea. And I'll buy you pizza if I manage to land a job today."

"Only if you can guess my favorite kind," Mia shot back, sticking her tongue out playfully. The mood around Finnley lifted.

Mia certainly wasn't one to be plain. And she was plant obsessed, which meant she probably wouldn't want anything like vegetarian pizza... "Every topping," Finnley suggested, "or maybe one of those 'all the meats' pizzas. Hawaiian? You might just go for that- fruit on pizza!"

Mia laughed, and it made Finnley laugh too. "You'll never guess," she said, breathless.

"Tell me," Finnley grinned.

"It's cheese!" she shouted in delight. Finnley just shook his head and smiled. It seemed he would never figure her out. 


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Tue Jan 02, 2018 9:11 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Querencia! Pan dropping in for another quick review. Let's get straight to it. Small grammatical changes will be written in blue.

Finnley nodded. He knew. "You don't have to, mom. You can work, if that's what's best for you. I keep meaning to get a job, I swear. If it means less work for you, I'd do anything."

She smiled, the way she did when she was trying to cover up problems.


This is a question rather than a criticism, as you know your characters a lot better than I do, but would Finnley's mum not be the type to discourage him from getting a job, even if she knows it would help her out? Having read what I've read, she seems like a parent who just wants to make everything okay for her child, the kind who would want them to be able to focus on school and their social life rather than working to make ends meet. I'd have expected her to be more like 'no, no, don't worry about it, sweetheart' - that would seem more like an attempt to cover up the problem. That's not to say Finnley can't go ahead and get a job anyway, because it's the kind of thing he'd do, but I expected her to put him off it a bit more. Just food for thought.

It's been raised by the other reviewers that the reveal about their financial situation seems a bit sudden, so I won't talk much about that. It's no biggie, anyway. Just need to make a few more allusions to it in previous chapters.

"Mom took it back. She won't go with us," Finnley said.


Just a comma splice.

"Listen. I know you've been looking for a part time job; we can head to town this afternoon and find you one.


It's that easy?? Who knew!? This isn't a criticism, by the way - it's totally in-character for Mia to be this optimistic. It just made me giggle.

He had felt haunted ever since their encounter in the forest. When he occasionally fell asleep, his dreams were full of looming trees, hoots howls and two glowing eyes, like the remnants of burning coals.


You're telling us about this, which is something, but I have to admit I don't really feel his trauma from the ordeal in the forest. He seems to have got over it quite quickly, like he can drop the anxiety whenever it stops being plot relevant. I would like to see that fear be a bit more all-consuming. It could make for a good explanation as to why, despite the obvious danger, he's so keen to find out what's going on in the forest. It could be kind of like a distraction to him, something to focus on. When people are afraid, they often want to take control of what's making them afraid.

"Every topping," Finnley suggested, "or maybe one of those 'all the meats' pizzas. Hawaiian? You might just go for that- fruit on pizza!"

Mia laughed, and it made Finnley laugh too. "You'll never guess," she said, breathless.

"Tell me," Finnley grinned.

"It's cheese!" she shouted in delight. Finnley just shook his head and smiled. It seemed he would never figure her out.


I just loved this. It honestly warmed my heart; it was such a cute, funny little bit of characterisation. I have to second BlueAfrica in saying that I love their friendship, and I really like that there's no hint of romance so far. I love seeing books with strong male/female friendships because they're so underrepresented. They always seem to turn into romance, which isn't a bad thing in itself, but it gets a bit tiring after a while because it's so common.

Overall, a sweet little chapter segment, thought not that much seems to have happened. I'll stay my hand on reaching a verdict until I've read 8.2, because it may be that we get a bit more drama in the second half. My main suggestion at this point is to try and focus a bit more on Finnley's trauma, as it seems to have dropped into the background somewhat. I love where the story's going, though.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Wed Sep 06, 2017 3:56 pm
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Snazzy wrote a review...



Hello again! :)

I don't know if this is just a personal preference, but I think it seems odd not continuing this chapter directly from the suspenseful piece of paper at the end of the previous chapter. To me, the chapters seem disjunctive; they don't fit together cohesively enough. Maybe it's because you don't bring back the address on the slip of paper till the 3rd-ish paragraph, or maybe it's just me (as the other reviewers didn't think anything of it). Just something to think about!

You know, get some extra money. I know we're not desperate, but..."


This seems a little abrupt because I hadn't ever remembered it being brought up in the previous chapters. BUT! It makes sense because it's just the two of them and Fin doesn't have a job at the moment, so it's probably okay. This was just something I noticed as I was reading - probably not a big deal at all!

I agree that the cheese pizza bit was a nice add in. It made me feel all warm and bubbly inside. :3 You're developing Mia and Fin's friendship quite nicely!

The only other thing I'd add, was it seems that Mia gave up just a little bit too quickly when Finnley said they shouldn't go to the address alone. unless you have something else in store for the next chapter part, like she goes to find out on her own hehehe I'm not saying her staying just trying to find out more about the address is a BAD idea, I just think her personality calls for some more fight in that part.

Another great chapter part! Keep up the good work! :D

-Snazzy




Que says...


Thank you for the review!

Until recently, I was trying to start each new chapter with a blog post, since that was the original base of the novel, but honestly that ended up being a smidge bit constricting (as in this case). Also I feel weird about really long continuous chunks of writing? I don't know.

Oh yes some others mentioned the money thing, I guess I didn't really make it clear earlier but I'm going to go back in and hint at it.

Also, you're totally right. Mia never actually gives up. Hm... She must have a backup plan. ;)



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Mon May 15, 2017 11:11 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Mmmm, cheese pizza.

Image


I don't always eat pizza, but when I do, it's cheese pizza!

ANYWAY.

Even becoming a part-time cashier at the grocery store


Finnley, noooooo! Get out now! It's a trap, I tell you, a TRAP!!!

(Just kidding. Kind of. I've worked grocery since I was 17. Oh, God, that's almost ten years ago. *old*)

ANYWAY FOR REAL.

It probably would've been tough not to accidentally bring Finnley's mom in on the secret if she went with them anyway, but I'm kind of hoping maybe she'll become a comrade-in-arms at some point. It was a nice touch to bring in the fact that, well, yes, she's a loving mom and a good Friend Mom, but she's a single mom and (for now) the only breadwinner. She clearly hated to disappoint Finnley, but bills are bills. I feel bad that Finnley was so embarrassed having to admit that, but Mia was obviously totally cool about it because Mia is awesome.

The other possibility I see for Finnley's mom is that he kind of slacks off from his new job (when he gets one) to help Mia, but since he can't tell his mom why, she just thinks he's being irresponsible or something. So many potential feels.

Also, I really like that thus far there isn't so much as a hint of romance between Mia and Finnley. I guess I wouldn't mind too much if there was, but since every male-female friendship in fiction predictably ends up becoming a romantic entanglement (unless one of the two characters is openly gay), it's just refreshing to read about a friendship between a boy and a girl, presented only as a friendship and also presented as a thing that is good in itself. You know, instead of a consolation prize for lack of romance.

Can't wait to read more!

Image




Que says...


Ooh that is a good idea about Finnley's future job. ;) And I'm glad you like the just-friendship between Fin and Mia. <33 Thanks for the review!



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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hi there Falconer. Neat cap in your avatar :) This is another fun chapter (aside from the disappointments)!

I really liked the part about the pizza bit! I wonder if they're actually going to go eat pizza later The added bit of the cheese was really charming as well--all pizza has cheese on it after all and it was rather funny.

This could be my own memory slip, but I don't recall Finnley ever talking he wanted to have a part-time job. As a reader I'm a little worried because I know he's shy (his overall behavior and the first chapter says so) and what happens if he becomes a cashier and has to deal with customers? As a reviewer (and writer who likes to stir up conflict among her characters), I'm interested for the potential conflicts Finnley could have with his coworkers or customers or boss! But that could be just a minor part of the story, so just food for thought :)

I also thought that I didn't exactly feel Finnley's thoughts when his mother told him she had to work. Would he be disappointed? resigned? I don't think a dump of inner monologue is really necessary (and I do see some), but what are his initial reactions? Wasn't it a major blow to Finnley and Mia's plan? Or perhaps Finnley's more worried about the amount of money in the house ? But in that part, it wasn't too much strong feeling. For example, maybe he could look around the house. Perhaps it's shabby in some places, and when he goes out, he notices that some bits of the house needs to be repainted. (Could be exaggeration.)

Which leads me to my next point: I honestly didn't know too much about the money situation UNTIL Mrs. Bale talked about it. Some foreshadowing may be nice. Perhaps the fact they're running tight on money can be shown in the setting, occasionally like my suggestions above. Maybe it's just a minor detail that just slides by and when he hears it, they really stand out.

I think that's all I've got to say here. Feel free to use the suggestions or not, and PM me if you have anything you want to say or ask!

Image




Que says...


Oh! I could've sworn I dropped some hints in previous chapters about things being a little harder and Finnley wanting a job, but given that I write some of these late at night, it might all just be in my head. XD I'll be sure to make it more obvious for the future! And yeah, Finnley is almost a bit relieved that the plan is off, hehe.



PrincessInk says...


Or maybe it's on my side for not paying attention.




life is so much better with tater tots
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