A/N: A little bit off horror-ish stuff in here? I'm not sure how bothersome it is, but you may want to proceed with caution. Creepy chapter.
September 14 • Saturday
8:39am
"Regrets are sharpest in the morning.
"-F-"
Finnley had blocked Mia from his blog; she was trying to meddle with his past, not understand him. He didn't need her picking up anymore hints from his post, and maybe he didn't want to admit to her that he felt bad about the previous night.
It was simple in his mind: Mia was great, she was new and a good friend. But she was there. Allie was the one had lost, the one they kept telling him wouldn't come back. How could he pass up the chance to see her? What if she disappeared again and it was his fault? He hadn't wanted to give up Allie in the first place, and if he hadn't lost her, he wouldn't have found Mia. It was either/or- the two of them didn't fit together in Finnley's life.
He explained to his mom that Mia had left before she was awake, had an errand to make. She was disappointed, but she bought into it easily enough. Finnley spent the rest of the day sulking in his room, going back and forth. He was sorry for what he did and said to Mia. He didn't care what happened because Allie was the only thing that mattered. Allie was the past; Mia could lead him to a new future. Allie was everything; there would never be a new future.
The restless day wore into a restless night, and no matter what had happened the night before, Finnley knew there would never be another option for him. He would follow Allie. Stepping into his room well after midnight, she lead him through pools of moonlight to the dark edge of the forest. Though the wind cut through Finnley's jacket and ruffled his hair, Allie's sheet of blond hair lay still and unmoving across her back, her clothes not drifting in the wind. Like a ghost.
Finnley could've sworn he heard Mia yelling at him in the distance, calling for him to stop, but he would not be stopped. Not this time.
He stepped into the woods.
A strange feeling swept over him- it felt like the most natural thing and yet... something about it was decidedly unnatural. Something was off. But as long as Allie kept walking in front of him, fading in and out of the moonlight, Finnley would have to keep moving as well.
They walked deep into the forest, indifferent and silent; the moonlit girl and her shadow. Allie stopped in a clearing in the middle of the forest, her back to Finnley.
"Allie," he said, relieved that she'd finally stopped. "Oh gosh Allie, I'd missed you so much. How are you here? What... What's going on?" He took a step towards her, hand outstretched, when suddenly he heard a hissing sound.
"Allie?" he said cautiously. He wasn't sure if he'd imagined the sound. "Why did you bring me here?"
Again, there was only silence. Something was wrong- it had to be.
Then, just as Finnley stepped forward again, a cracking voice that was definitely not Allie's echoed around the clearing. "I thought," she said, "it would be nice for us to be alone." Finnley's heart turned cold. This wasn't Allie. What was this? The voice was rasping and hard and clicking- he didn't know what to make of it, but all his senses were screaming at him to run. He had to take one more shot.
"Allie..." he said and took the final step, closing the distance between them and setting his hand on her shoulder. She turned to face him and he stumbled back with a strangled cry. Whatever that- that thing was, it wasn't Allie. There was only darkness where her eyes should be, and her mouth was like a gaping wound in her face, filled with razor sharp teeth and a forked tongue that slid out from between them. Her fingers elongated into claws as she advanced on Finnley, still wearing skinny jeans and a t-shirt, just as Allie would, still with the long blond hair.
The creature licked its lips and glided towards Finnley. "I am oh so hungry," it rasped with what could pass for a chuckle. Finnley scrambled backwards with his hands behind him, like some sort of demented crab walk. It was like he was trapped in a horror movie, only there was no way out. Heart racing, Finnley let out a sort of whimper as he tried to stand and fell on his bum, allowing the creature to pin him down, burying its claws in Finnley's t-shirt and lifting him to eye level with inhuman strength.
He turned his head away with a shudder of horror as the creature opened its mouth wide. Suddenly, what sounded like a battle cry echoed through the clearing. Both Finnley and the Allie-creature turned to look, though neither could see anything. The creature's arm shook and it dropped Finnley as it let out a roar of pain. He rolled to the side to see the creature crouched on the forest floor, Mia standing over it with a baseball bat.
"Mia!" Finnley gasped.
She smiled grimly at him in return. "Don't look so surprised. I knew you would come back, and I wasn't about to let you go into the forest alone with this thing." She nodded at the creature. "Grab a bat. There are a few spare in that bag over there."
Finnley hopped up from the ground and picked up a bat, holding it in ready position like Mia, standing over the creature. It gave a shuddering hiss, then began to shed Allie's body like a snake sheds skin. Then it really was a snake- well, a snake would be the closest thing to describe it. This thing was so much worse. It did have clawed little hands, and though both Mia and Finnley bore down on it with the bats, it was too fast and slithered off into the forest.
"We need to get out of here," Mia said before Finnley could thank her, wiping her brow with the back of her hand. "Come on." Gathering up her bag, she gestured to Finnley to keep his bat. He strongly agreed with that idea, given what had just happened. They exited the forest as silently as they had come, side by side, watching each other's backs. Friends. Partners.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Greetings!
Since summer is here, I will definitely be having a lot more time to review and read, and I want to try and get caught up with your novel first! Anyway, on with the review!
One of the biggest things that bothers me about this chapter part (and those leading up) is how much you talk about "Allie being the future", and "him needing to spend time with Allie", and his overall obsession with her. It's an interesting concept, the entire thing between Finley and Allie, but I think it is a bit repetitive at times. By mentioning her in almost every part, I think the mystery becomes slightly more boring and not as suspenseful, if that makes sense.
It doesn't make complete sense to me that he would hear Mia, and even if he did, it just sounds too familiar from the previous chapter part, thus making this seem repetitive. I don't think it's technically wrong to include that part, but it was just something I noticed.
Oooh, I like the creature description! Reminds me of a "Sisters Grimm" type creature!
One last thing: the ending of this seems too finite - almost as if I'm reading the end of a chapter, or even the end of a (well written!) book. I would like to see this end on a more suspenseful note. Maybe they begin running out of the forest away from the creature, or something similar to that. Just something that is wanting to lead to another thing.
Anyway, I agree with everyone else; I love this part! The description gave me chills, and I am definitely excited to read on! Great job with this! Keep writing! :3
-Snazzy
Happy Review Day!
Thanks for the review! I always worry about things being too subtle, but maybe I can tone it down a bit on Allie. She's just like the entire reason Finnley moved, though, and makes up a lot of his issues with the past. And hopefully when I go back and edit, I'll make the chapter parts flow better, because I can't help but make it definitive since this is LMS- when I do something like NaNo, it flows a bit better. XD
Oh also, fun fact: when I was 12 and started writing my first novel, I had no idea how to end chapters. So each time, the MC fell asleep or was knocked unconscious or fainted or (once) died. XD Consider this improvement!
Oh, true! I understand that (with my limited experience of like 4 weeks with LMS XD). And yeah, definitely improvement!
I always used to end mine with my characters going to bed too!
Another knight is going to review your work!
I really appreciate the note you put at the beginning. Though I don't really like horror, I'm just diving in anyway and no regrets from it! I think what made the frightening scene really creepy was the slow build-up of tension from the previous chapters about Allie and the unnerving feeling in the forest.
Like BlueAfrica, I do love the way that Mia used the bat to save him. The sports lessons in the previous chapters were the perfect way to make the bat make sense, I had a satisfying click of satisfaction. Perhaps the lessons before, like BlueAfrica suggested, were simply training in that aspect? It seems as though Mia knows about these things (because I reviewed your later chapters). This is absolutely one of the best scenes in your story (no matter how creepy). It just clicked.
The only critique I have here is:
I felt as though the transition between Finnley's thoughts and Allie's appearance was slightly off. It's as if I was thinking along with Finnley and was suddenly jerked back into action. Perhaps a scene break would be nice. Or something else.
But other than that minor quibble, I enjoyed your chapter really much and I hope you have a great day! Feel free to use my suggestions or not, and message me if you want to discuss!
!!!!!!!
I don't know why, exactly, but it pleases me so much that Mia brings a baseball bat to fight the thing off, like her teaching Finnley to be better at softball was secretly her training him to brain a freaky snake-monster with a baseball bat.
I mean, that probably wasn't why she wanted to teach him softball skills, but I like to imagine it was.
In other news, this chapter was deliciously creepy and you had some good description.
I knew Mia wouldn't let him run off to the woods alone. I hope he unblocks her on his blog. Even though it's basically pointless because obviously they are going to start learning a lot more about each other at this point.
That boy better apologize in the next chapter.
Oh, I also loved this line.
Not only is it beautiful, but you can really see here that Finnley loves poetry, like how poetic he is. Oh, it also just occurred to me that something I really like about his friendship with Mia is it's really not at all based on "Wow, a girl who *actually* likes poetry, just like me! None of the *other* kids like poetry. Finally, someone worthy of being my friend." Like she's all loud and bright colors and athleticism and science, and he's all quiet and moody and shy and poetry and art but not performance art, but their friendship still comes across incredibly naturally. I'm loving it.
Thank you. <3
Fun fact, I was actually writing this at night and scared myself. And I'm glad that their friendship seems real and natural, sometimes I have trouble with that.
Omg.
I love this chapter
I love this chapter
I love this chapter
Thanks!
Oh! By the way, while I'm here, what in particular made you love it? Just so I can make others better. ^_^