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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 1

by Que


August 19 • Monday

“Hello. My name is Finnley. I'm seventeen years old. I've just moved into a small town in Wyoming. This blog wasn't my idea; my therapist told me I should keep a journal before I moved. No one keeps a journal anymore, but since promised him- and I keep my promises- I decided that a different medium was in order. Mostly I'm doing it for her. She would want me to try.

“The other day I bought a book of poetry. I read it in the silence of my sunlight room with my rabbit, Rory. Poetry always speaks deeply to me in ways I don't care to define. Not like real people; not like speaking. No one reads poetry anymore- maybe that's why the world is as bad as it is.

“Well, I suppose that's it. G'bye.”

Finnley quickly scanned his writing quickly, then deleted it all. Too personal. And poetry? No one knew about that. What was he thinking? Saying "g'bye"? Mentioning his pet rabbit for goodness sakes. And he had mentioned her as well. He wasn't ready to talk about that yet. What rubbish. Breathing out slowly, he began to type again.

“Today, I go to a new school in a new town. They said a change of location would do me good- that change is good. I'm not so sure about that, but it's happening anyway, no matter how I feel. Whatever it is that I'm starting today, it will surely be interesting.”

Finnley groaned and once again deleted it. He had good thoughts, but suddenly the prospect of everyone reading them didn't make him feel so great. Maybe he should've gone with a journal. Deciding to keep his initial opener (having not thought of any better options), he typed, "Hello. My name is-" before his mother knocked on the door.

"Finnley? Finnley are you up yet?" she called through the wooden barrier. Finnley groaned and sank back in his chair, shoving his hair back and looking around the room that wasn't truly his. He had up since three am and was fully dressed, as he was most nights, but she didn't need to know that. The blog post, though... maybe he could write it after school. Maybe something interesting would have happened by then.

"Yeah Mom!" he called back. Shutting his laptop and leaving it on his desk to charge, he stood up and stretched.

"That's wonderful! The school is close enough to walk, but it'll probably take you twenty minutes or more, you really don't want to be late, especially on your first day..." Finnley chose to ignore most of what she said after that. He knew his mother very well by now, and after what had happened... well, she just got more overprotective. She was worried for him, she just didn't know the proper way to deal with it. "Make new friends!" Finnley didn't make new friends. He was shy before, and now? There was no way. "Remember to be yourself!" No one was allowed to see himself. No one would want to. "Just be happy!" It's pretty hard to be happy when you aren't. Finnley threw on a sweatshirt even as he pasted on a smile just for his mother. She didn't deserve to see the bad side of him; after all, she'd been through nearly as much as he had.

"Hi Mom," he said, pulling the door open.

"Finnley! Are you really wearing that on the first day of school? Don't you want to make a good first impression? And a sweatshirt and jeans! Finnley, it's eighty degrees out there today!" Finnley hadn't noticed the smile slide from his face, but she had, and she stopped abruptly. "Of course, I understand if you just want to lie low for a little while. Have you written your first blog post yet?" While it appeared that she was tactfully changing the subject, it was really just the same subject. Everything was the same subject these days.

Coaxing the smile back onto his face and urging it not to look too weary, he told her he hadn't. "I was going to write it this morning, but I guess I just slept in too late. I won't forget to do it tonight."

He could see his mother visibly relax when he said he slept in. It was one thing less for her to worry about. This pattern of sleep was normal to Finnley by now, but he knew that she wouldn't understand how he had it under control. It wasn't good for her to be so stressed out.

Having responded to all of her morning queries, Finnley proceeded down to the kitchen, grabbing a quick bowl of cereal before looking at the thermometer. Shoot, he thought, it really is eighty out there. Maybe I'd better change after all. Spening most of his time inside, where he was least likely to encounter other people, had lead him to have no idea what the weather was doing on any given day, let alone how to dress for it.

He had ten minutes before he had to leave. Plenty of time. He checked on Rory and gave him some food. "Wish I could stay too," Finnley whispered. His mother had retreated to her bedroom, he could hear the running water of the shower. Back in his own room, he dug through the closet. There- some shorts. He rifled through them and, pulling out a navy blue pair, changed and then shed his sweatshirt. He shivered. He felt exposed without its protection, but he had to settle for putting on his backpack rather than another layer.

When Finnley emerged, the house was quiet. His mother was nowhere in sight. Putting a quick sticky note on the door, he hurried out of the house. Being late would, after all, be a bad thing. It would make him stand out. As he opened the door, he was struck with a blazing heat, and the sun, though nearly up, was shining brightly. Despite his change of clothing, Finnley was quickly overwhelmed. He'd been out only a few times the whole summer, and everything had been cold before that, in his old town. It was a world away right now.

It was slow going to school, taking up almost all the time he had allowed himself for the walk. His route skirted around the edge of his neighborhood. On the other side was an imposing pine forest, looking dark in the bright day. He thought he saw things shifting in the woods, which further added to his discomfort. It seemed as if something was watching him, asking him what he was doing here, new in town. Finnley stopped suddenly, and turned right around to stare directly in the forest. Nothing moved. Nothing stared. Satisfied, he nodded. The heat- not to mention his anxiety- was getting to him more than it should've. It was going to be a perfectly normal day- he would slide into this town unnoticed and unbothered. It was what he was good at. 


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Tue Jun 26, 2018 8:41 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hiya, I finished Conics Unfortunately so there's kind of a void left in my heart. I asked around for some novels and Blue recommended this one!

Nit-picks:

1. Assorted typos that I'm sure you'll notice if you read again.

2.

And he had mentioned her as well. He wasn't ready to talk about that yet.

Just to be clear, do you mean her as in his therapist? This makes it sound like there's something we don't know about the therapist in particular (the specific phrasing, I mean). My guess is that it's just he isn't sure if he wants people to know he's in therapy from the off. If there is some sort of drama with his therapist, I feel like he would have been assigned another therapist. Unless it's a secret, I guess. Hrm... could you just clarify this and then I'll be able to form a stronger opinion/stop rambling?

3.
He knew his mother very well by now

Is this an ironic comment? If that's face-value then it seems like an understatement, would work as a joke with some more sarcastic phrasing (eg "very well by now, of course").

4.
Are you really wearing that on the first day of school? Don't you want to make a good first impression? And a sweatshirt and jeans!

Wait, what does she mean by "that" if she doesn't mean the sweatshirt and jeans which she mentions in a separate comment.

5.
Shoot, he thought, it really is eighty out there. Maybe I'd better change after all.

The third person is such a close focal point that for a second I thought you'd slipped into first person. Maybe some italics to mark this out?

Overall:

The first (and probably only major) thing I want to mention is the tone of this chapter. It is really unnerving, some tension based on an unnamed previous event, the foreshadowing of clearly something bad going to happen (based on the firm assertion at the end that it was not). Your main character is down and dejected and clearly in quite a dangerous headspace, his mother is desperately worried about him. All through this I felt all of that, and it made it really immersive.

I can't say much for your plot yet, obviously, or even really your characterisation, but I'm looking forward to reading on.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Que says...


Yikes, I'm not sure why exactly this was recommended! Also, my excuse for literally everything is "LMS", so you'll probably find quite a few inconsistencies and timing issues and balance issues... I hope you like it, but you can of course stop reading at any time! I'm glad you decided to stop by and review, though. <33



ExOmelas says...


Haha no worries! Maybe just every time I point out something to which I know the answer will be "LMS" I'll just comment "LMS" instead of giving the exact criticism :P



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Fri Feb 16, 2018 11:07 pm
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Birdman wrote a review...



Greetings Falconer Querencia.
I know this is a bit late to be starting your novel but I did actually start looking it over with the intention of reviewing awhile ago. And I left. And now I'm here to actually do it, even though it has so many more reviews now.

I remember when I opened it up that I got a sour taste from the blog entry, because it was just like that little signal of standard YA fiction. Whenever characters do the whole "Hello, my name is...", it sounds like the next thing they're going to be doing is a mirror scene. I know that it changes after that and he's just writing about writing a blog post, but the beginning just sets that mood for an entirely different story. I don't know how to word that without making it seem like I'm insulting your story, which I'm not. I'm just saying a beginning like that, makes it seem like something else, that I'm not a fan of.
If I hadn't read it previously and known it went somewhere else, I would have stopped on the first line.
That's the best I can do.

Um, moving on.
Even further down once he moves out of the standard first person blog, it's still not that appetizing. Because it's still stuck in that mopey "she doesn't understand me, no adult understands my problems", almost angst. Yeah I think that's best way to describe it and it's just something that bothers me, even though I understand that he's relatable on the level, that he doesn't think anyone understands. I always find that funny about realistic fiction characters that are pretty relatable in some ways, they think they aren't at all.

The mystery to it all where you wonder if the "her" that he talks about is his mother or someone else. And that sort of emotion towards a mysterious woman could be anything from a love interest to a sister or best friend or something like that. Or it could just be some random person that he didn't know until a traumatic event, which obviously happened to cause stress for all of the characters introduced so far. I suppose I'll find all of that out eventually and the mystery level was fine, had the right effect and everything, it just feels a bit cheap.

I am truly sorry for how I've described your story so far and I shouldn't be laughing at that statement. It's just been awhile and if you ask your novel alone, I'll move on and understand how comments won't be welcome. They probably won't change much from this current form, just a warning I guess.
Maybe I'll be able to work through this quick enough to make it to your green room chapters.




Que says...


Thanks for the review!
do I know you??
I%u2019m doing this for LMS, so there%u2019s not been a lot of editing and also I%u2019m doing the one a week thing, so expect many problems throughout as I%u2019m learning as I go along and not changing many of the chapters already written (at least not on the site).
Uhhhh I feel like Finnley is the least angsy character I%u2019ve written, but you%u2019ll hopefully see that later on. :3 I actually try to turn from stereotypes quite a bit throughout this story, with varying degrees of success, so I guess we%u2019ll see what you think, haha. Good luck if you decide to continue on with reviewing! I have like 52 segments thus far.



Que says...


Also yikes, I forgot that on some devices I accidentally make weird symbols with apostrophes, so I'm so sorry that my reply is hard to read because of that.



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Mon Jan 22, 2018 10:59 am
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Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this first chapter of your novel concerning Finley, a new boy in town who begins to feel ill-at-ease but who was also ill-at-ease before he arrived because of the trouble he had before relocating.

He describes himself as shy and not unhappy with his own personality as well as with the relocation. Not because he was popular and had friends before. So it seems as if he just doesn’t like to relocate. He describes an attempt at writing an entry in a blog, which he discards as silly.

He then describes his preparation to go to school which involves dressing and turning off his laptop and annoyance with his mom’s personality. Then he finishes off describing how he’s surprised by the weather and something that seems to be in the woods as he leaves the house? apartment? for school.

I like the way that Finely’s personality is slowly revealed. He uis shy, has emotional and possibly other issues that require seeing a therapist, finds his mothers attentiveness annoying, wishes that he weren’t shy, doesn’t have nor didn’t have friends. is annoyed by the relocation, always keeps his word, likes to use a computer, had certain trouble that he and his mom went through prior to the relocation. All this I understood as setting the foundation for what what will develop next.

Suggestion:
The term “therapist” seems too adult for Finley to be using.

three am [a.m.]

Redundancy

Finnley quickly scanned his writing quickly [One “quickly is suffice.]

They said a change of location would do me good- that change is good. [One good is enough.] [Who is they?]

Looking forward to reading more of your work.




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Mon Oct 02, 2017 2:42 pm
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vetas wrote a review...



Hello there! Saw your new chapter but decided to read the first one instead.

1) I want to start by saying you pulled me in from the beginning. The blog post that was written then erased raised a lot of questions. I want to know more about it. I hope that gets answered in the rest of the story.

2) I am not a pro at grammar. I don't point out grammar unless it's a typo that I come across. I did end up coming across one type. The paragraph where he checks the thermometer, you misspelled "spending" You wrote "spening."

3) Keep up the good work. I like your style. Cant wait to read more! There are so many good storied on here so I will try to get to the other chapters as soon as I can.

Have a great day!




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Wed Apr 19, 2017 3:02 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THIS I AM SO SORRY.

Luckily, one of the later chapters is currently the oldest thing in the Green Room with zero reviews, so I saw my note to you and went "crap crap crap" and promptly popped back over here to chapter one. So here is a long-overdue review, followed by readings (if not reviews) of the other chapters, and then I can get back to the one in the Green Room.

I loved when Finnley kept rewriting his blog post and ultimately decided it was boring/not good enough/too personal/whatever. Don't I know how that feels! Blogs are a weird beast, so it was incredibly realistic and relateable to see a character fussing with it the same way a real person would. This was also a good opening because of the mention of "her," no detail - which made sense in a blog post as opposed to if he was just thinking about "her" obtusely so as not to reveal anything to the readers too early. So it was a realistic way to bring up the subject and also raises a lot of questions to keep us reading.

I also think it's incredibly sweet of Finnley to want to hide the bad stuff from his mom because she's been through as much as he has, even though also I know it's not actually good for you to keep stuff bottled up. It's just nice to see how much they care about each other. I'm sure his mom's chipper attitude is mostly a mask that's the result of a lot of hard work, too.

The only suggestion I have so far (this being the first chapter and all) is to maybe cut the initial "hello, my name is ____ and I have just moved to a small town." It's not awful like it usually is as an opening, because it's him figuring out how the heck to start a blog. HOWEVER. It's also not going to hook readers as well as if you just started with "this blog wasn't my idea" and then bring in the "hello, my name is _____" later on, when he attempts to start writing for a third time.




Que says...


Thanks for the ideas! I'm glad you like the characters. ^_^ Also a lot of the later blog posts I'm still figuring out because it's Finnley writing, Not me, but it's good that you think this one works. :)
And I'm excited for future reviews!



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Tue Mar 14, 2017 12:40 am
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erilea wrote a review...



Heya, Falconer! Lupa here for a nice review! :D Let's start, shall we?

1) "He had up since three am and was fully dressed, as he was most nights, but she didn't need to know that." This sentence is missing a word. It should be, "He had been up since three am and was fully dressed..."

2) All in all, nothing much happens in this chapter. You introduce two characters, but you spend most of the chapter showing Finnley's personalities in heavily-explained actions. Why don't you try to work in those details through some of the beginning chapters and focus more on plot?

I really apologize that I can't help you more, but I hope my points gave you some advice. :) Keep writing, Falconer!

XOX,
Lupa22




Que says...


Oops, thanks for saving me on that sentence! I feel like the first bit needs to move kind of slow, that's what Finnley does. As you'll see (if you read on), he meets someone who is kind of a catalyst. He's at a plateau right now, and I wanted that to kind of come across. The plot will only start to move when he meets this person! Maybe when I go back and edit I'll try to make it more interesting so that things don't get boring before the big things come in. Thanks for the review! :)



erilea says...


Ah. You're welcome, Falconer! :D



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voiceofdragons wrote a review...




Heyyo! It's voiceofdragons coming atcha with a review. (I'm gonna be reviewing as I read so I don't miss anything.)

So far it's really interesting that you have this in a blog format? (Oh never mind, there's verbs going on over there.) It's interesting that he's writing a blog.

Shouldn't there be an end quotation at the end of the first paragraph? You have an opening quotation for the next one so...hm.

So he refers to his therapist as a guy, but then he goes on to say, "I'm doing this for her." I'm smelling plot already, wouldja look at that. You also have me wondering why he's going to a therapist, which I'm sure was the intention.

I am enjoying his thought process here, it's pretty realistic (though a bit insecure, I suppose that's to be expected for a 17 year old boy writing his thoughts by his therapist's urging).

Oh ho ho? The new school new town device I see?

I'm amused at how much he keeps deleting his words. I would be (low key) too lazy to do that. Just get it out there, stream of consciousness and all that jazz.

I'm guessing he just moved in? Maybe add some imagery about stepping around boxes or something.

Oh man now I really want to know what happened...

"Just be happy!" Oh man that gets me so steamed!! Like, "get over it!" Oh thanks! Wow! My depression is cured! You're a miracle worker!

The door--maybe elaborate saying what door it is that he is opening? There are many doors in a home.

Yo man sweatshirt and jeans is the most comfy. Step off. She seems a bit nagging and I'm sure that's not helping him as it would probably key up whatever is happening with him. I also hope she doesn't snoop and or force him to let her read his (personal) thoughts.

I like that he has a pet rabbit. That's pretty adorable.

The last paragraph is nice as a whole.

Keep up the good stuff! So far so good. Didn't see any spelling errors or anything glaring so kudos.




Que says...


Thanks for the review! :)



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Fri Feb 17, 2017 5:10 am
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jimss23 wrote a review...



Jimss here

Hi, Falconer. By glancing over your bio, I can tell you are a veteran to this site, so if you don't mind, I'm gonna try to do a review on your work. I hope you find it useful.

I'll start with the preface like I say in all my reviews. I am here for your work, not for you. That just means I care a little more about making your work the best it can be rather than trying to phrase my reviews in the most diplomatic way possible. I respect writers, and I demonstrate this regard by giving my honest opinion and not some BS review that will do nothing to help improve your work.

Now with that out of the way, let's dig in.

1) Excellent introduction.

2) "I decided that a different medium was in order."

If you add "trying" in between "that" and "a," it would make the sentence much more clear. (By the way, I am not very smart when it comes to reading, I like things simple without losing the impact. It is your call, just wanted to make sure you knew)

3) "Finnley quickly scanned his writing quickly," Simple mistake, just wanted to make sure you noticed.

4) "Mentioning his pet rabbit for goodness sakes."
If you were to change the beginning of this sentence to "He'd even mentioned his..." I think it would sound better.

5) I see that Finnley is learning all about how it feels to be a writer :)

6) "through the wooden barrier."
For some reason, wooden barrier just doesn't sound right. I understand the desire not to repeat the same word. I think you could cut it without losing the imagery just through the word "called."

7) "No one was allowed to see himself."
God am I assinine, but "him" not "himself" (God even I want to slap me just writing that. I am so sorry.)

8 ) "he pasted on a smile."
I'm not sure pasted fits here (Also note, I work on about 95% feels and 5% reals, so yea.)

9) "closet. There- some shorts."
To me, this sounds more like something would say while speaking in first person. I would just combine the sentences. "closet and found a pair of shorts."

10) "Putting a quick sticky."
Cut quick. Or put it at the beginning. "Quickly putting a sticky note on..."

11) "though nearly up,"
Barely up. (Seriously I think I might be legitimately anal compulsive.)

12) "It seemed as if something was watching him, asking him what he was doing here, new in town."

In my opinion, change the ending of the sentence to "what he was doing here in this town."

Ok, now that I am done dissecting your work with a chainsaw some final thoughts.

Despite my assinine comments, this story has a fantastic first section. There are so many emotions that can be played with here, so many ways this story can go. The possibilities feel endless, and that only makes the reader want more.
Please don't think that because I am so critical that I have something against you or your writing, I just say what I see. I would love to read more, so keep me updated on you new works. (Unless I p*** you off, which I completely understand).

Thank you for letting me review your work. I hope there is something in here that you find helpful. Feel free to ignore all the stuff that is my opinion if you don't agree.

Cheers

Your neighborhood jack***,

Jimss




Que says...


Thank you so much for the review! It's actually really helpful. I'm definitely going to go back and edit with your comments in mind! I'm glad you liked this. Since it's for the LMS competition, I'm kind of confined to a chapter per week schedule, but I'll tag you next week if you want. And I actually really appreciated your honesty, a lot of reviews just dance around everything and aren't as useful. Thanks again!



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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello, Falconer, I'm here to review your work!

The fact that Finnley needed a therapist interested me from the beginning, because I was wondering why. Your dropping hints about whatever he was going through, throughout the chapter was nicely done, rather than directly stating why or not mentioning it at all.

Now let me move on.

I was wondering why there was a wooden barrier. It must be related to his difficulties, but maybe you could add a little hint about why there was a wooden barrier.

This paragraph

"That's wonderful! The school is close enough to walk, but it'll probably take you twenty minutes or more, you really don't want to be late, especially on your first day..." Finnley chose to ignore most of what she said after that. He knew his mother very well by now, and after what had happened... well, she just got more overprotective. She was worried for him, she just didn't know the proper way to deal with it. "Make new friends!" Finnley didn't make new friends. He was shy before, and now? There was no way. "Remember to be yourself!" No one was allowed to see himself. No one would want to. "Just be happy!" It's pretty hard to be happy when you aren't. Finnley threw on a sweatshirt even as he pasted on a smile just for his mother. She didn't deserve to see the bad side of him; after all, she'd been through nearly as much as he had.


I feel like it's too long and it's better if you split it into two or three paragraphs.

At the last paragraph, I felt as if the pace was kind of slow. Maybe you could slightly describe the trees when Finnley noticed the movements. In the last sentence, due to Finnley's character, I'm not so sure if Finnley would so quickly dismiss it. Rather, I think he would be slightly nervous anyway. Since he had such a horrific incident, I think he would be jumpier and not dismiss the slight movements so easily.

I think Finnley is a great MC. He's not that honest to his mother, but then, this is because he doesn't want her to worry. I can see that he really loves his mother--and I always like characters who dearly love their family members. I was wondering about what happened to his father and I hope I will know more about it in later chapters. Even though the pace was a bit slow at the end, the whole chapter was very intriguing to read.

Hopefully my review wasn't too long or harsh, and have a great day!

From Princess Ink




Que says...


Thanks for the review! Haha the wooden barrier was just the door. XD I had just used the word and was trying to rephrase, I see it kind of failed. I can definitely break up that big paragraph, and I was in a really weird mood when I wrote that last bit, so I will look it over and see what I can do. I'm glad you like Finnley so much! <3




You sound like you're becoming emotionally involved with the custard.
— Nikki Morgan