Simple gray is washed in silver
as the rain comes pattering down.
The leaves of grass tremble; quiver
and raise a song of sighing sound.
The dark slowly reaches out its hands
and enfolds me in an embrace.
Stars beckon me on to silent lands
with sleeps kiss upon my face.
And thus a peaceful quiet fills my soul;
in sleep I nothing lack:
I do not hear the thunder roll
or see the silver fade to black.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, FaeHope. This is a most beautiful piece of poetry. A most artistic approach in describing a storm. I always appreciate someone who sees beauty in that which is terrible.
I would suggest you either stick to a strong rhyme scheme or do not rhyme. Silver and quiver do not actually rhyme. I don't believe a word even exists to rhyme with silver. Your scheme is quite a challenging one to maintain. You have an ABAB approach. Bold choice. Bold is good. Keep it!
I have a few suggestions.
Try:
Simple grey, washed in silver.
Rain comes pattering down.
No light in skies for dark to pilfer.
Wind a sighing sound.
Black reaching out his hands--
Trapped in his embrace,
the stars ignite silent lands--
sleep's kiss upon my face.
A peaceful quiet fills my soul:
in sleep the beast is to my back..
I do not hear his thunder roll..
or see the silver fade to black.
Pilfer and silver are not ideal...but they are closer than silver and quiver. In this version, I have shortened some of your phrases. Little irksome words like 'the' don't always need to be said. For example: instead of saying 'The black' just say 'Black.' If it makes sense to say something in fewer words, do it! The poem will have better flow and take on a more precise beauty. I changed a few things here and there. The line 'in sleep I nothing lack' was forced. The problem with rhyming is just that: they can seem forced. Don't say something for the sake of rhyming. Say something that rhymes, but also means something. 'In sleep I nothing lack,' doesn't make sense to me. Don't you lack conciousness when you are asleep?
Please don't feel as if you have to use my edited version. I want this poem to be entirely 'you.' Each writer is different. Be yourself when you write. My version is meant to demonstrate my suggestions. I just hate it when people point out what is wrong with works and don't give any suggestions/ examples as to how to correct the issues.
You have a beautiful mind. Use it!
A good work is never done.
--MS
Hello! The title is what drew me to this. I've been back and forth across Iowa quite a few times. But I've never stopped there.
I do live just over the border of Iowa, though, so I suppose we have the same weather.
I looked the feelings and images you used to create a quiet moment. The ending was nice as well, revealing that the poem was a "calm before the storm" type moment.
There are a few things I'd like to address.
First, you need to put an apostrophe in "sleep's." Just like that. Also, there's no reason for you to have worded the third to last line the way you did, as there isn't a defined rhyme scheme. It was just very awkward. Switch it around a bit.
The other thing I noticed is that you barely mentioned the vastness of it. Iowa has a huge sky to it. It's basically a giant cornfield. The sense of vastness is the first thing I noticed when I first was in Iowa, and I was surprised you didn't include this aspect in your poem. Also, smells! What does it smell like right there? Smell is the sense most linked to memory. So invoke some memories by mentioning aroma.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!
Thank you for your input.....I found your advice very helpful.
This poem is absolutely beautiful. A really simple but effective rhyming scheme and the repetition of describing the sky's color ties the whole analogy up nicely. You've made quite a dull behavior like sleeping into this great epic adventure and you should really be proud of this piece.
Thank you so much. That was so encouraging.
Hello FaeHope;
I am new to YWS so sorry if my review isn't as good as the others.
I love this poem. Its peaceful, and well done with making the reader feel likes its real as they read it. These simple but beautiful words are what make a perfect poem.
Simple gray is washed in silver
This sentence is the beginning. Its a nice one; although for the beginning I recommend you to make it stronger.
Once again, I am new so this wont be as good as the other review.
Again, really like it.
Nice avatar.
Thank you so much for your constructive advice. I'm new here too...so don't worry.
Your welcome. I am glad someone else here is new, because I thought I was the only one.
"Song of sighing sound" is redundant. I've never heard a song that didn't make noise, or a sigh for that matter. I can't stand people who sigh all the time, though; drives me batty. Take a nap, you know? Or hold it in until you're at home in front of the mirror, so you can do that thing where you look at yourself in frustration and let out a regretful sigh, knowing all the wrong decisions you made throughout the day. Just don't impose your weariness on others; make an effort to be of good cheer.
"Enfolds me in an embrace" is silly. You're restating the definition of an embrace. You need only say "embraces me."
What's your favourite way to cook corn? Nothing beats a buttered cob, I think, but canned sweet corn does just fine too. Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone out there who drinks corn juice. Have you ever seen anyone do that?
Anyway, hope this helps. I like your wolf avatar.