Salmon Merlot (EDITED)

I feel your poem has already taken a beating so I won’t say too much. I think you need to use the comments you already have as you seem to have more than most people.

I was only going to comment on the last stanza but the first line bothers me a little.
You’d say humanity looks like a dead trout,
It’s probably fine, and this is just an honest opinion, but it’s a little long and lost from rhythm. It doesn’t flow into the next line either, generally making it hard to slip into. This could just be the way I’m reading it. It also seems a little straightforward, and a little far from the semantic field of a theme park that I was hoping for.

Bu I was mainly thoughtful towards the last stanza, as I always think the last should always be the strongest yet it has the least comments relating to it.
Nay humanity’s theme park – Needs a comma. Nay is a filler, an exclamation (and so an exclamation mark would also be appropriate) but it’s not grammatically correct.

It is sadness
It is anger
It is happiness.
It is depression
It is rage
It is ecstasy
You’ve said life is a theme park, rollercoaster etc. So I think it would be better if this last part reflect that too. Up and down, good bad. Sadness, happiness, anger, ecstasy.
But this part does go on a bit. To be honest, through a glance you get the gist and from there so a reader is most likely to let their eyes skim over it until you start adding variation again. It’s a list, and alongside the structure of a list it’s designed to be skimmed over and therefore not too engaging. Instead, pick just a few strong points. Yes, you may be able to think of lots of valid words, but half the point of poetry is to select the ones that mean the most, instead of going with all of them.

It is hiking up your skirt, - after the other comment, I can’t take that seriously

and living vicariously through the raindrops
that stain the earth in their purity.
Not even sure this makes sense both symbolically and literally. The ongoing metaphors that are strikingly powerful are ones that are valid literally and flow freely in a readers mind while still holding strong metaphor meanings. By saying that humanity living through the raindrops that leave a mark by being pure... This just doesn’t work for me.
The juxtaposition of ‘Staining’ and ‘purity’ would create strong imagery, although purity is something that’s associated with ‘washing over’, as to make something pure, you can’t stain it. Staining will ruin, discolour, taint, which goes against the nature of purity (in a contradictory way more than a poetic).

But there’s not many references to rollercoaster’s in here. It would be more appropriate to name it something fishy, maybe do a little research in that area and see what fits metaphorically.

A general point I will make, is pay more attention to what you are saying and less to how it sounds. I could help you more with this poem if you could provide a commentary explaining what you did and why, what the poem means to you even if it’s just in note form. Otherwise it’s hard to tell what is intentional, and if you managed to convey the point you want to. Of course this will take a lot of input on your part, so if you’re rewriting or not too bothered then I’ll understand. Anyway, I hope this helped and good luck with your writing.

Hello! Sorry it has taken so long for me to get to this. Well, here goes-- So, I like all the metophors, I like the theme, and how you wrote this without sounding cleche at all... I don't like how at some places you use a whole butt load of really big hardd to pronounce words (sorry about the bad spelling, no spell cheak and my browser doesn't have it) it just messes up the flow of the poem when you have to go to dictionary.com to look up the meaning a how to say the word... Now, using uncommon words like that is also really good, just as long as it can still be read... So, on to my nit-picks!

Blue- what I think could change to make the poem, in my opinion, better.
Red- Things that MUST be changed to be grammerly correct.
Pick/Purple- thinks I really like
Green- Additional comments

You’d say humanity looks like a dead trout,
squished like lunchmeat
between layers of ice in a fish mart. << I think this should be two lines, to help with the flow, make it easier to read.
You’d say she’s long gone;
left on the Oregon Trail and never came back. << Here I think you should change this to "set off" because it you go from talking about a trout to this and when it says "Left on" I think of that fish just lieing there, you know left on the ground...
Step off naysayers, pessimists, curmudgeons. << All of these are big, hard to prononce words, maybe used farthere apart they would work, but all in the same sentence I have no clue what you are talking about...

I kind of think that you should make this another stanza...

No, Humanity survives in feeling.
To be human is to
think, err, feel, breathe, love, triumph
and to do so deeply. I think something like this should be added, to make more sence and to help with flow...
As deeply as that wine stain on the carpet,
the one united to the very fibers,
that even the Stanley Steemer guys
with their presumptuous, boa constrictor-like hoses
can’t make surrender. << I like this, but it is kind of long, not sure if you should change it or not, just pointing that out.
As long as the feelings are true,
As long as vulnerability lives,
somewhere in Freud's country << I don't exacly get this...
Humanity persists.

Her emotion bends at awkward angles.
She’s melancholy hysterical.
Sensation exploded from stewing too long << love this part!
under Plath’s bell jar. << I think you should say something else, you don't stew things in a jar do you??
She rears her beautiful head through This is a good example of a bad place to brake a line up. The thought is just left hanging and it jsut seems ackward... Well to me at least...
that dent in the wall there.
Where your wine bottle erupted like Krakatau
when drunkenness and art proved to be false escapisms
To the chasm of despair.

Critics say
Picasso’s blue period painted the road to insanity
yet in the words of the Hatter, “we’re all mad here.”
They snake through a table set for English tea
like blood cantering to the cheeks.I absolutly love this part! Mainly the referance to the Mad Hatter! I love him!!!
A byproduct of a madness even he was absent to.
Rage like acid fire, << It is this part and on that gets me, the variety in line leanth just sets me off.
positively caustic, acerbic, acrid in its chemical reactions.
However Humanity isn’t test tubes and lab coats,
she’s emotion. << I like this too, this is a very good metaphor.
She’s gullet throttling, entrail searing
ire that presides over and feasts to Just that here helps
bar fights and trashy reality show brawls
heralding with the face deflating suckerpunches
and bitter hair yanking. << moving this here helps too. I don't think you should ever end a line with "and: unless it has a sesific perpose to be like that...
Actions divested to the instinct
from a wine that now leaps like salmon
onto hair and clothes and carpet. << I would make all this one line...

Jam your thumb into the off button I would change this to "at"
ignorance is bliss,
heaven, nirvana,
the ending of an Austen novel
where Lizzie Bennet’s guffaws
can be heard from the street outside. << New line
A summer’s day like a good mood,
like faultless happiness.
Tickling heat and blatantly perfect breezes
you can simply picnic in.
Bread, cheese, berries,
not even a drop of white on the linens
can drag you away.

Humanity’s tumultuous rollercoaster,
nay, Humanity’s turbulent theme park < love this part too
It is sadness.
It is anger.
It is happiness.
It is depression.
It is rage.
It is ecstasy.
It is hiking up your skirt , throwing back your hair
and living vicariously through the raindrops
that stain the earth in their purity.

I didn't read any of the reviews before mine, so sorry if it's repeating things that someone already said.

FRAYEDjade wrote:Obviously this needs copious amounts of TLC. Please help.
I need a new title, suggestions are welcome.
Thank you so much. (:


You’d say humanity looks like a dead trout,
squished like lunchmeat between layers of ice in a fish mart.
I like this description
You’d say she’s long gone;
left on the Oregon Trail and never came back.Who is she and where did she go?
Step off naysayers, pessimists, curmudgeons.I don't understand this line
No, Humanity survives in feeling.
To be human is to
think, err, feel, breathe, love, triumph
deeply.Love the Philosophy here
As deeply as that wine stain on the carpet,
the one united to the very fibers,
that even the Stanley Steemer guys
with their presumptuous, boa constrictor-like hoses
can’t make surrender.Love the description
As long as the feelings are true,
As long as vulnerability lives,
somewhere in Freud's country
Humanity persists.

Her emotion bends at awkward angles.
She’s melancholy hysterical.
Sensation exploded from stewing too long
under Plath’s bell jar.
She rears her beautiful head throughThis sounds awkward to me
that dent in the wall there.
Where your wine bottle erupted like Krakatau
when drunkenness and art proved to be false escapisms
To the chasm of despair.

Critics say
Picasso’s blue period painted the road to insanity
yet in the words of the Hatter, “we’re all mad here.”
They snake through a table set for English tea Who, the critics?
like blood canteringThis sounds odd, maybe use a better word. to the cheeks.
A byproduct of a madness even he was absent to.
Rage like acid fire,
positively caustic, acerbic, acrid in its chemical reactions.
However Humanity isn’t test tubes and lab coats,
she’s emotion.
She’s gullet throttling, entrail searing
ire Maybe move this up.
that presides over and feasts toThis sounds odd too. Do you mean presides over feasts to bar fights and ...?
bar fights and trashy reality show brawls
heralding with the face, deflating suckerpunches and
bitter hair yanking.
Actions divested to the instinct
from a wine that now leaps like salmon onto hair and clothes
and carpet.Nice image

Jam your thumb intoshouldn't this be on? the off button
ignorance is bliss,
heaven, nirvana,
the ending of an Austen novel
where Lizzie Bennet’s guffaws can be heard from the street outside.
A summer’s day like a good mood,
like faultless happiness.
Tickling heat and blatantly perfect breezes
you can simply picnic in.
Bread, cheese, berries,
not even a drop of white on the linens
can drag you away.

Humanity's tumultuous rollercoaster,
nay, Humanity's turbulent theme park
It is sadness.
It is anger.
It is happiness.
It is depression.
It is rage.
It is ecstasy.
It is hiking up your skirt , throwing back your hair
and living vicariously through the raindrops
that stain the earth in their purity.

Hey Jade, here to review on request. For your question, I do review poetry but on request since I am not an expert at it. But I need to improve my skills, so why not?

You’d say humanity looks like a dead trout,
squished like lunchmeat between the layers of ice in a fish mart.

As long as the feelings are true,
As long as vulnerability lives,
somewhere in Freud's country
Humanity persists.

No, Humanity is feeling.

Her emotion bends at awkward angles.

She’s melancholy hysterical.

Picasso’s blue period painted the road to insanity
yet in the words of the Hatter, “we’re all mad here.”

Here as requested! Ok. Well, the first thing I noticed was the capital letters at the beggining of every line. In this poem in particular it was quite annoying. It takes away from the flow, so I will rewrite it without it, and you can read it to see if you like it any better. I'll also try and give you a punctuation sceme here.

You’d say humanity looks like a dead trout,
squished like lunchmeat between layers of ice
in some fish market. This just really stuck out here. It really bugged me because it doesn't fit with your flow.
You’d say she’s long gone, [b]You jump from dead fish to some unknown girl
She’s Fortunado There is no such word as fortunado. There is fortunato I do believe, it means lucky. Also why the sudden use of another language?
Sent to her grave at the hand of barbarism, malace, and greed.
You'd say this,
but you'd be wrong. We wouldn't say this, you just said that.
To be human is to
think, Why are you talking about being human now, this is really jumpy.
Err, Err makes no sense. Maybe I just don't know what it means.
Feel,
Deeply. Deeply is really random here.
As deeply as that wine stain on the carpet,
The one united to the very fibers
That even the Stanley Steemer guys
With their presumptuous, boa constrictor- Like would go here.
Like hoses
Can’t make surrender. It's descriptive, but it doesn't really go with the poem. It's just another jumpy moment.
Origin unknown, Another jump!
It just is.
As long as the feelings are true,
As long as vulnerability lives,
somewhere in Freud's country humanity breathes. I don't know what Freud's country has to do with anything.

Her emotion bends at awkward angles.
She’s melancholy, hysterical.
Sensation exploded from stewing too long
Under Plath’s bell jar.
She rears her beautiful head through
That dent in the wall there,
Where your wine bottle erupted like Krakatau
When drunkenness and art proved to be false escapisms
To the chasm of despair.
Critics say
Picasso’s blue period
Painted the road to insanity,
The words “we’re all mad here”
Snake through a table set for English tea
Like blood cantering to the cheeks.
A byproduct of a madness the hatter was oblivious to,
Rage like acid and fire
Positively caustic, acerbic, acrid in it’s chemical reactions.
However,
humanity isn’t test tubes and lab coats
She’s emotion. I'm starting to get this now.
She’s gullet throttling, entrail searing
Ire
That presides over and feasts to
bar fights and trashy reality show brawls.
With their face deflating suckerpunches and
Bitter hair pulling
People divested to the instinct
From a wine that now leaps like salmon onto hair and clothes
And carpet.
Jam your thumb into the off button
Ignorance is bliss,
Heaven, nirvana,
The ending of an Austen novel
Where Lizzie Bennet’s guffaws can be heard from the street outside.
A summer’s day like a good mood,
Like faultless happiness.
Tickling heat and blatantly perfect breezes
You can simply picnic in.
Bread, cheese, grapes,
Not even a drop of wine on the linens
Can drag you down

Humanity’s rollercoaster,
Nay humanity’s theme park
It is sadness
It is anger
It is happiness.
It is depression
It is rage
It is ecstasy
It is hiking up your skirt , throwing back your hair Reminds me of a weggie...
And living vicariously through the raindrops
That stain the earth in their purity.[/quote]


Ok. So as you can see I didn't fix all of the capital letters and all of the punctuation. My computer is messing up something awful, and it is making this very difficult for me.

I do think that the errors were destracting with the punctuation. I know you said before not to comment on it, but it's not that hard to fix. I fixed some of it, and on a normal day I would just edit the whole thing, but with my computer and all you know.

I also don't like the capital letters. They are very distracting and they mess up the flow. It would just be better without them being on every line, I feel, but it's completly up to you.

I also noticed how jumpy you are. I was reading one thing, and then you were saying something completely different. It is very distracting in poetry. I thing that you should slowly lead up to each topic, and some of the unnecessary things can be omited.

Other than that you have potential! I hope I have been helpful. If you ever need another review feel free to let me know.

-Flow-