It was the sweetest dream.
He stood in the center of a busy plaza, lined with stalls and vendors. It was a cool evening, and a light breeze blew across the plaza. His eyes took in the scene around him. Tourists haggling with eccentric vendors, couples laughing over a romantic dinner, a young man singing a beautiful melody while a slender girl accompanied him on the guitar.
The crowd in front of him parted and there she was. He looked into her hazel eyes, as he had so many times before. She smiled, and the whole plaza seemed to glow with a faint yellow light. He began to walk towards her, yet as he did something changed. What was once a gentle breeze suddenly became a powerful gale. Terror seized him, and he watched as the winds uprooted the stalls and buildings that surrounded the plaza. He could only stare as powerful gusts carried the people around him high into the sky. He could see screams forming on their lips, but the only sound that filled his ears was the wail of the ferocious storm. The sound was like nothing else he had ever heard, fierce enough to consume any other sound for miles around. He stood rooted to the spot, as did the girl before him.
And then, it was just the two of them.
She had changed too. Her hazel eyes, once warm and understanding, were now filled with fear, and perhaps something worse than that too. They truly were windows to the soul, and behind those windows something evil lurked. Something that changed what her once beautiful eyes saw. Something that changed him from a loving father to the very person that had destroyed her and made her this way.
Something that ravaged and corrupted her mind, and filled it to the brim with chaos, turning friends and family into enemies, good to evil and joy to suffering.
And suddenly, she too was gone and he lay awake, the dream already beginning to fade from his memory. It would return that night, and the next morning it would once again fade, and the cycle would continue, each night bringing fresh horrors disguised as sweet dreams.
His dream long since forgotten, Richard Morrison made his way to Saint Mary’s hospital, where he worked. It did not take him long to make his way through the town, as these days the streets were clear of traffic, especially at such an early hour. Before he knew it, he was cruising down the highway that lead out of the city towards the hospital.
The bleak weather had once again aligned itself with Richard’s mood, and as he turned right onto the driveway that led up to Saint Mary’s, he reflected that he still could not understand what exactly the old loony bin meant to him, and why he continued to come back to the place. He was no closer to what his objective than he had been those 12 years ago when his little girl had been taken away from him.
He pulled up to the security checkpoint, where several stone-faced guards were waiting for him. Many more heavily armed guards watched him carefully from the towering walls that encircled the asylum. He exited his car so that two of them could search it for anything that wasn’t approved by the St. Mary’s Administration. He handed his ID to the third guard an opened his suitcase so it too could be searched. Lastly he stepped to the side so that the guard, could scan him with a complex device that could detect not only any objects on his person, but also the level of alcohol or other substances present in his body.
This practice had become routine due to the widespread availability of Warp, an illegal and extremely undetectable drug that was feared by almost everyone Richard knew, and for good reason too. It heightened one’s senses and perception, but destroyed their moral compass, effectively turning one into a psychopath, capable of manipulating people to pursue their own evil ends.
At last, he finally got back into his car and made his way toward the main entrance. He stared up at the immense structure that lay before him. It never ceased to amaze him how not a single person truly knew all that went on inside St Mary’s many wards and laboratories, with the exception of the board of course. He was patted down once more at the doors of the hospital before he was allowed enter.
Richard then made his way towards the ward he was assigned to which happened to be devoted to children exposed to trauma, aptly named “The Child Trauma Ward”. It was one of the more cheery parts of the hospital, and one of the few parts where the word hospital accurately described what went on there. There were parts of Mary’s, where prison would be a more suitable descriptor, and the “patients” kept there were one of the reasons why the walls surrounding Mary’s were topped with barbed wire and why the guards carried semi-automatic rifles.
When he entered his office, Jose, his energetic new secretary leaped to his feet and reminded him that he was scheduled for a Therapy session with Arnold, a boy who had experienced more horrors and abuse in 8 years than most adults would experience in his lifetime. He stepped into the boys room and gave him a war smile. Arnold’s smile was empty, as if he knew he was supposed to smile but had never experienced real happiness in his life. He saw the same vacant look in his eyes as he had seen in the eyes of so many kids before him. How Richard managed to look into those eyes he could not explain. Even though Arnold's eye’s were bright blue, they reminded him so much of his little girl that it was painful. Tears almost reached his eyes. Richard breathed in deeply, and upon breathing out he released that immobilizing feeling.
Time to get to work.
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Hello, FCD!
I wanted to welcome you to YWS as well as give some constructive criticism on your writing here ^^
To start off, I think your writing overall flows very well. You have some very well placed descriptions that keep the paragraphs moving but still give us readers enough detail to be able to paint an image in our mind. While I was reading this, I felt very engaged and didn't often come out of the world to think about something else that caught my attention, whether it be from the story or elsewhere.
Also, I think you have a good sense of pacing throughout this, if maybe a bit on the slow side (which is honestly fine because, as I said, I still felt engaged and not really bored). You've got a good introduction to Richard and what he's like without explicitly telling us much. I think that's also why I liked that you began with a dream so much, because it shows a lot of the inner turmoil that Richard is going through but refuses to acknowledge for one reason or another. I'm interested to see how it goes.
Now for some criticism.
I pulled out this section because I felt like it was a little bit too much of an exposition feel. I'm personally a firm believer in "show and don't tell the reader anything" (which sometimes becomes a bit too much, I can admit, but that's my style xDD). I feel like it would add another layer to Richard if you don't acknowledge the dream after he wakes up. It would be this cool effect where this intense dream just occurred and then he just goes about his day with no mention of it from the dialogue. Then, you could turn it into a reoccurring motif throughout the rest of the story, becoming this moment that haunts him subconsciously. As well, just telling the reader that he has the dream every day and then forget kind of robs us of that discovery of Richard's character. Just a suggestion.
This entire paragraph kind of took me out of the moment because it felt like the first time the reader was being talked to directly. Of course Richard already knows about Warp, so him thinking about it in such a formal, directed way feels a little out of place. I don't think this explanation needs expanding upon, but think about if there is a better place for its initial introduction. If it needs to be in this section, maybe think about how this explanation could be given through Richard's "filter." Maybe make it a little more conversation, such as, "He knew what they were looking for, and that stuff was killer." ... Obviously that isn't how you would write it, but just to give an example of how you may integrate the information a little bit more smoothly.
Overall, I think you have a solid first chapter. Of course, I would love to read more, which I think is a good indication of a solid first chapter. My only overall suggestion would maybe to have a little bit more happening. I do like that we have some hints of conflict with the woman in his dream (who I'm guessing is his daughter?) but I wish there was a bit more direction to it, giving us more of an idea of where it could go. Right now, I'm thinking messed up asylum experiments gone wrong, but I'm not sure how Richard fits in the picture.
Regardless, thank you for sharing your chapter here! I look forward to (hopefully) more installments. Feel free to message me with any questions you may have -- about the review or the site in general ^^
Best of luck~
- Wolfe
Thanks for the review man, will take what you said into account.
Thanks for the review man, will take what you said into account.
Hello!
I can't wait to give you my feedback on your first chapter!
First of all, welcome to YWS, and thanks so much for sharing your work!
Setting: The first real paragraph does a great job in setting the scene! Your word choice isn't bland at all, yet I can still follow what you're saying and where you're going.
Overall Story Flow:
For the most part your story flow was okay. Here were a couple of things that abruptly stopped it, I thought:
I had to go back and reread multiple times to realize what this sentence meant; that it changed how the girl viewed him. I think it's important to make sure the reader knows that it only changed her perception of her father (?), not actually morphed him into a destroyer or terrible parent - unless of course you wanted it to be this way, which would be a whole different problem because of the way you've already developed Richard in the previous paragraphs.
That dream seems a little bit more vivid to be forgotten so quickly and easily. Normally when we remember dreams (or at least with my experience), we still remember small details of it for a while w/o having to think about it. Then it starts to fade, unless you really struggle to remember the dream. However, if you want this dream to be a rare case, I think you should go into more depth on as to how it always never stayed for more than a few moments the next morning or something. Of course Richard can't just not remember the dream altogether, because that would mean you can't even really describe that dream (which I think was really great) to the readers.
Too much repetition of the word "ward" makes it extremely awkward and difficult to read. Shorten it so it's more concise. We don't necessarily need to know that it is called "The Child Trauma Ward", or at least not now. I think something like - "Richard then made his way towards the ward he was assigned, which happened to be devoted to children exposed to trauma" would suffice.
In general, you give us readers a couple of very important facts: 1) his daughter was taken from him 12 years earlier, and 2) the example and background of the illegal drug, Warp. That's all good and dandy, but you only spent 1-2 sentences on each. I think you should either hint at 1 or both, or go on into a full blown explanation. Like how did Warp get there in the first place? I think just hinting at the first fact would be more effective rather than just flat out telling us that his daughter was taken. It creates some suspense, but also a lot of confusion in the story.
I really love the concept of this, and as I stated earlier, your dream scene was spot on! It really drew me in as a reader without having even read anything about your novel. Great job, and keep writing!
-Snazzy
Hi Snazzy, Thanks so much for the lovely review, it was really good to see your perspective on the chapter. Thanks for pointing out the things that I
could have improved on.