The faint line of the wall was like braiding sewn into the horizon. Sam couldn't see it with great detail but knew from several scouting missions that the wall continued for miles. He'd followed it once as far as he could before his legs started to liquidate. If it did end, it wasn't within the county of Arklanshire. The wall, Sam knew, was reinforced with watch towers every hundred metres. He could just barely see them sticking out above the rest of the dark outlines.
Sam thrust his shovel into the soft, muddy ground. It gave way relatively easily but Sam knew that he would not be finding the task so easy when he was four hours into his mission. They worked quietly. Really, they should have been silent but nobody had ever succeeded at getting Charlie and Phil to stop talking for more than three minutes. Soon though, their hole was deep enough and wide enough for Sam to drop himself into it.
From here the intent was for him to dig downwards for a while, then he would link into a tunnel that used to be used for underground transport. Underground trains between states had become increasingly popular right up to the time of the meteor strike, apparently. Sam had never even seen a train, except in faded photographs and old posters. Nevertheless, it would be a train tunnel that led Sam out of Lone, that led him to New North America.
Sam glanced at Rob.
Rob nodded firmly at him. "Good luck."
Sam nodded back, a little less certainly. "I won't let you down, Rob. I promise. I won't let any of you down."
Sam flicked his eyes around the faces of the group. Some were curious, some were excited, some were even a little forlorn. Most were tense, more than anything. They'd been building to this moment for years. Now everyone was counting on Sam to make the effort and risk worth it.
No pressure then.
Sam grabbed a shovel off the lip of the hole and dragged the sacks off the other side. He began to attack the ground, memories of building castles in sandpits flooding his mind. The peaty mud had no chance against the sharp edge of his shovel and he was shoulder deep in the beginnings of a chasm within minutes. The hole was roughly a metre and a half deep. This would need to be quadrupled for him to reach the train tunnel.
"Better get to work, then," he muttered to himself.
He thrashed at the ground with increased fervour, tossing mud over his shoulder to land in a huge heap beside the hole. Soon, the angle he was working at would not allow this. Fortunately, they had a solution. Sam would throw the displaced mud into seven buckets that had been lowered to his feet by strong ropes. They would then be raised and emptied as fast as the group's muscles would allow.
With this new system in place, Sam's progress was even more rapid. Still, it came as an abrupt shock when the clang of shovel on metal sent elbow-jarring vibrations along his bones. He wondered if that was what an electric shock felt like. He screwed up his eyes but the darkness was so total that there was no hope of seeing even his own feet. Instead, he crouched down and felt a hand around the floor of the hole.
He nearly whooped with delight as his hand skimmed the corrugated aluminium of what must have been the train tunnel's maintenance hatch or something of that nature. He traced the outer edge of the hatch, finding the small metal handle at the direct opposite point on the circle to where he was crouched.
"What's going on, Sam," Rob called down, as softly as the distance between them would allow.
"I'm at the hatch!" Sam called back.
"Shh!" Rob hissed. Then, relaxing a little, he whispered, "But well done. I suppose this is goodbye."
Sam hadn't prepared for the emotion that would smash into him at the word 'goodbye'. All his brain capacity had been directed towards not letting his friends down. He hadn't even thought about the fact that these people were all his friends. They were a group, a society even, but they were his friends too. Even Charlie and Phil.
"Yeah, goodbye," he murmured.
He took a deep breath and hauled the hatch lid upwards. It didn't give an inch.
"Aw, crap," Sam muttered, "Guys, it's stuck!"
Wordlessly, a rope from one of the buckets was tossed down to land at his feet. He nodded to himself and wrapped the end of the rope around the handle. He glanced upwards and saw the top half of Jock's frame, heaving on the rope. Presumably the others were lined up behind him, tugging with all their might.
Eventually, the lid sprang from its casing and slammed into Sam's shins. He grunted in pain and his breath exploded from him.
"You okay?" whispered Jock.
"Yeah," Sam croaked, "Okay, I think I can get it the rest of the way up."
He just managed to grasp the underside of the lid in time before the rope slackened and the lid's weight was left entirely on his forearms.
"Got it?" called Rob, taking back over from Jock as speaker of the group.
"Yeah," Sam whispered. "Okay, now it's goodbye."
The nostalgiac effect had somewhat worn off, now that their parting had been so clumsy. Perhaps that was better, though. Now his attention was entirely focussed on the task ahead of him. He hauled the lid up until he could fit.
He whispered, "Here we go."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey guys!
Added a comma. I've actually seen this here and there. Whenever you have a conjunction (for example 'but') that joins two clauses, you'd want a comma in there. As in, if both the sentences on either side of the conjunction can stand on their own, then throw a comma in there. If the latter doesn't make sense without the former, then don't. Tricky one to remember when writing.Though I guess this is squarely aimed at Bisc again.
Sorry it took me a while to catch up to where you guys currently are within the story. I'm quite slow. O.O
I'm beginning to see a lot of cool potential in this story though, and I'm eager to see where it goes from here on. For now though, this chapter wasn't all too exciting. It obviously picks right up from where your last POV chapter ended, but there's so little happening in it. In fact, I think this small chapter here could just have been inserted into your previous, so that it ends with Sam in the tunnel, instead of about to dig his way into it.
So there's very little happening in this chapter, so overall there's not much to bring up. There is one early thing you mention though, which I really liked. You write that this big wall which borders Lone up, is reinforced with guard towers at every hundred yards or so. I really like that. It gives a better, albeit more depressive view, at the people of Lone. Not only are they boarded up, but they are also under watch and guard. It makes them even more oppressed.
However, this is the first instance where the problems of co-writing something comes into play. It's hard to make everything fit into place without a whole lot of communication and planning. In Messenger's previous chapter, he writes that nobody has even been in contact with any Loners in sixty years. Yet in your chapter now, it appears that there are a bunch of watch towers surrounding the entirety of the border. That doesn't fly well.
That is, unless the people manning these watch towers never leave them. Sort of like the Night's Watch in asoiaf. Actually, that would be kind of cool. I'd doubt it though.
I'm really liking the idea of these watch towers. I'd play up the oppressed POV of this, which would fit a lot, seeing as both of your characters are on opposite sides of this conflict. Mess already wrote a good personality for his character, filled with ignorance and dislike for the Loners. When they eventually meet and I assume Sam will win her over and they'll then work together, the effort to bring her over will read more interestingly.
Okay, the rest of this chapter is mainly digging, so there's not much I can say about it. I guess I'm liking how you guys are not rushing the story? It's good that you're spending time on developing both the story and your characters before they clash.
Alright, there were some smaller things I noticed, so I'll write as I go along:
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Suggestion
I don't like liquidate here. Sound out of place.
I'm still not onboard with a place in the US called Arklanshire. xD
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Could easily avoid the repetion of 'used' here.
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I'd move that word. Reads more smoothly.
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Added a word. I'd also skip the comma, but it's not wrong in any way.
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I didn't like the original ending to this line. It read cluttered.
At this point I feel your line structure gets a bit rocky. There's a lot of single lines outside of any paragraphs in this chapter. It's okay and it doesn't get out of hand, I just try to avoid it.
Remove the comma. What's it doing there? xD
Wait. How is it more rapid? At the start, he only had to throw the mud and earth out of the hole, now that he's deeper though, he has to fill it into buckets which are then hoisted up. How is this faster?
They found a place to dig down to where the tunnel is, and they just happen to dig down exactly where there is a fricken hatch? That's... lucky.
First they're yelling back and forth, now they are whispering. Was the first one too loud? Can Sam even hear Rob now?
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Quick typo.
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Another one.
Alright, that's pretty much what I've got for this chapter. We got some small tidbits, but overall it wasn't too much that happened. Now Sam is finally inside that tunnel though. It'll be exciting to see what is going to happen next. Maybe the tunnel exit is guarded? Will he have to dig his way out on the other side too? Who knows.
I'm wondering why Sam is doing this alone though. Wouldn't it make more sense to send another guy? A two man team? I'm not sure exactly what Sam is going to do, but I figured he is essentially scouting right now. Unless he's going on a long mission and needs all those supplies to himself.
We'll see, as the story goes on. I'm finally caught up now though. So don't hesitate to poke me when any continuation is up. I'm looking forward to what you guys cook up.
Keep it up, guys!
Cheers
Birkhoff
So glad you're engaged! The typos were British spellings and I don't want to give too much away but they tie in with the mundane-ish names of most of the group - Charles, George, Robert etc
Hey Mess and Biscuits! Knight r4 here for a review! I certainly hope this helps you both!
You need to have a comma right before the "but".Don't you think that is an awful lot of towers to have? Each tower has to be at least five to ten feet above the wall.
Agin with the commas. I would also try to stay away from using two "ly" sounds in the same sentence, not to mention right next to each other.
These two sentences don't really make a lot of sense when put next to each other. I think that it would be better if you followed the first one up with some dialogue.
You forgot to put a questions mark at the end of the dialogue! How dare you!
I figured as much would happen! I'm glad you thought of that, because I was just going to ask you about it.
Well, by chapter three you now have me confused! Why do you keep switching stories every chapter? First you start in the modern world when there is an explosion that blows up a car, second you start with some western story, and finally you end up with this. Just stick with a single story!
Okay, rant over. This chapter was alright, but I thought it was a little short and there wasn't a whole lot that happened. However, you have set the stage, so to speak, for the next chapter or two; albeit with suspense! (I hate suspenseful)! Anyways, happy writing!!!
(Somebody need to figure out how to spell meter)! *crazy Brits*The first chapter was a prologue. Then the chapters are alternating between Sam and Ash because they are alternating between writers. Sam is mine and Ash is Mess'. I hope the structure is clearer as we get further, especially when the characters have actually met up. Would it help to have a heading at the top saying whose perspective it was from, like in Noughts and Crosses by Malorie Blackman?
I guess... it might. By the first chapter I actually meant chapter one, not the first thingamabob you posted. Or was the first chapter the prologue. Idk.
And yes I did sort of figure it would get more structured as the book progressed. It was just kind of confusing. Anyhoots, tata for now!
thanks r4
Now, for the review.
"...before his legs started to liquidate."
I think you meant liquify.
In the second paragraph, where you mention Charlie and Phil talking as they dig the hole, it makes me wonder what all they were carrying on about. I think it would be coo to see some detail there.
Third paragraph-love the detail. Some nice world-building going on.
Awe, the emotion here into the fourth. I really like that, although "No pressure then" seems a little anticlimactic. Perhaps a little bit more framing in Sam's thoughts would give it more punch.
Oh, wow. Cliffhanger chapter end there. I'm totally going back to read the whole novel. Please write more! I love it.
thank you very much for the review! some of the chapters - for now the even ones - are written by my collaboration partner, @Messenger
thank you very much for the review! some of the chapters - for now the even ones - are written by my collaboration partner, @Messenger
thank you very much for the review! some of the chapters - for now the even ones - are written by my collaboration partner, @Messenger
thank you very much for the review! some of the chapters - for now the even ones - are written by my collaboration partner, @Messenger
what did you just do Biscy? XD thanks Vox!!
Agh! I'm only just seeing this. Blame Oxford internet!
Wow. The first line blew me away. I immediately can say, I love your style of writing. It's so poetic.
I wish I was awake enough at the moment to do a proper review, but alas. I'll do a decent review in the morning. I have to say, though, I read this chapter alone, and I'm already hooked. Great job!
Thanks very much!