A/N: So I know Messenger's name comes second in this by-line but this is his chapter. I have written about twenty words of it in total. If I could put his name first, I would. We decided just to publish it all through my account so that it's together. And Mess, sorry this took so long. I've had a test, an essay, a source question and about 120 pages of novels in total to read this week.
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The last streaks of the sunset blazed across the sky, scattering shadows abroad, some forming into strange shapes pertaining to the nature of ghouls and monsters for those with a vivid imagination. The crickets were chirping, the song birds singing one last time before heading off for rest, while the occasional owl began to awaken himself and prepare for a night hunt.
The rhythm of nature was interrupted by a new sound, a rhythm in itself; that of pa-dum, pa-dum, pa-dum. . . .
Ashliah slouched slightly in the saddle, her shoulders drooping far lower than she generally would accept. But after a seven hour ride she was in no mood to argue with her body, especially when it was screaming for sleep. Obviously she couldn't risk falling asleep in the saddle either, so she’d made a compromise.
It was now proving hard to stick to anything, including the saddle. Her eyelids were drooping, her whole body was sore from hard riding, her mouth was dry, her stomach empty, but she had no effort to stop and aid any of these misfortunes. She knew that sleeping out in this type of country was dangerous, especially being alone. Doubly so when it was a girl.
So she pushed on, urging Fury, her white mare, to a quicker gait. She could see the lights of Hollbrook, now that she had rounded the last bend in the shaded path. With some renewed energy she pulled herself up and at last cantered into town. Generally by now the town would be quieting down, folks either already would be in bed, or sitting out on their porches talking to one another by candlelight.
Tonight however she saw a cluster of torches and electric lanterns gathered outside a modest, orange brick house. There were at least seven men she could see, knocking on the sturdy oak door. They seemed to be upset over something.
Ashliah hopped from the saddle and landed with a soft thud, her legs buckling slightly from a hard day's work. Leading Fury up to them Ashliah recognized one of the younger men, named Tom, a boy she'd met in school. He was now nineteen and long out, whereas she had just graduated. Although Ashliah definitely enjoyed school and found it necessary, she didn't brag about the fact that she was one of the few people who had graduated. Tom was a different story. He took it to mean that he could boss others around and found himself superior.
Ashliah noticed him give a slight sneer as she headed for the stable behind the brick house, her house, and with great restraint she kept her temper and merely said, "Tom, I'm graduated now. We're equals. Shut your fat mouth."
Before he could reply she sauntered past with her head held high, a tight smile on her lips. She tied Fury to a riding post beside the stable, gave the strong horse a good pat on the nose, and walked back to the front of the house. The front door was now opened. Ashliah's father stood in it, his tall and muscular frame forming a silhouette. She slipped through the small crowd to stand by him. He had been about to say something it appeared, but he saw Ashliah and gave her a tight hug, kissing her forehead at the same time.
"Good to see you back, Ash. There's food in the kitchen all warmed up." He gestured to the inside of the house.
Ash frowned, releasing her dad and looking back to the men at the door. "What do they want?"
Her father patted her back. "Go inside. I'll settle this and tell you in a few minutes."
"Is this about the border?" Ash asked deliberately.
Her father nodded. He spoke in a calm and quiet voice, but it still held authority. "Yes, Ash. I'll tell you about it in a few minutes.Please, go inside."
Ash gave one quick glance at the group, and then headed inside, holding her temper in. She yanked her riding gloves off harder than usual, tossing them carelessly onto the small wooden table in the kitchen. There was a warm glow in the room, originating by the black stove on the left wall, a blue tin pot of something bubbling in it. Ash stalked over to it and was happy to find rabbit stew. Her father wasn't the greatest cook, but he could beat just about anybody in making rabbit stew. She took a deep breath, soaking in the rich aromas of the tender meat chunks, the garlic and barley, the pepper, and the other flavorful ingredients.
She found a bowl and spoon nearby and dolloped herself a big portion. She set the meal down on the table where half a loaf of bread lay, and then she headed out the back door. She relieved Fury of the saddle and bridle, rubbed her down, fed her some hay, and then bedded her down. The horse snorted contentedly as Ash left. She gave a crooked smile to the animal and tossed a carrot she had been hiding in her pocket all along. The horse shook her mane and, if horses can do this, snickered with delight.
Feeling a little better, but just as tired, Ash slumped to the house. She removed her boots at the door and then dug into the meal. She was almost finished when her father, Mayor Fredrick Woods, loyal servant of the people, entered the warm room. He slumped at the table holding his head in his hands.
"Dad, what did they want?" she asked in a tone that showed annoyance to the men outside, and compassion for her father. "You work so hard all the time. Why don't they give you some support?"
He sighed, lifting his head. "They do on most things. I've been mayor for six years. It's just that this border issue keeps coming up. I'm not the first person to deal with it."
Ash let out of frustrated groan. "Why does anyone want to allow people from Lone back in? It's like asking for someone to give you typhoid fever!"
"You don't know that," Fredrick said, giving her a reproving look. "You can't blame every single person over there because of one incident that-"
"Killed forty people!" Ash interrupted, letting out more emotion than she meant to. She saw the weariness in her dad's eyes. It was more than fatigue. It was an absolute bone tiredness. He needed support, she knew. He had no wife like he should. She told herself for the hundredth time in the past ten years that she needed to be supporting him.
"I'm sorry dad. I didn't mean to say it like that. It's just ..."
"I know, I know," her dad said, nodding and rubbing his eyes. "Everyone thinks they are a health hazard, and they could be. But no one has come into contact with a Loner in over sixty years. You have to consider facts, not just what you've been taught. And with people feeling both ways about opening up the border or not, I have to try to funnel through the mess."
Ash conceded to let the conversation rest. She was tired and getting irritable, something she hated to do to others.
"Well let's leave it at that," she said, pulling herself up. "I'll do the dishes and then head off to bed."
Her dad was already waving his hand though. “No, no, you've been riding all day. You go to bed and I'll take care of it .it's just a few bowls and cups anyway."
Ash didn't have the strength to argue. "Thanks Dad. Goodnight. Love you!"
He smiled back. "Love you too, Ash. Sleep well."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Timmy here!
This does seem in such a different environment than the one we met your other characters, especially Sam, in the past chapter. I am assuming you are alternating characters and this is Messenger's character? If so, that is really awesome. I did that when co-authoring with someone just recently. It's tons of fun to alternate. Anywho, that's not important.
Let's get a few technical stuff out of the way, shall we? Then we can move onto the fun stuff.
Pet peeve of mine. bear with.
A lot of people do this quite often, even more frequently than active voice. When writing, you should strive for the active voice as much as possible, so like walked instead of was walking. Active tone usually reads better and is more... well, active. So here, you have "was screaming", which could and should be changed to "screamed", which would flow better and I think give the sentence a better feel.
I didn't like when it was. It didn't flow right for me, and read rather awkward. What if you just wrote it as: Doubly so as a girl, or something similar?
Comma after energy
This read awkward to me, as well, and I think the bolded part is too blame. Perhaps you could consider moving it to after down?
I have ridden horses on long trail rides and such, and no - it wouldn't work like this. The horse will act tired, beaten down, blah, blah, until they see or smell or hear home. Once they know they're getting close, it's all you can do to rein them in. Food and rest beckons after a long day. Wouldn't you hurry?
Comma after them
Comma after reply
I believe you should have said, open there.
a blue tin pot [b]with something bubbling in it.[/I]
Comma after sorry
Comma after well.
Comma after Dad
Okay, all technical and stuff I saw while reading through has been taken care of.
One thing I was left wondering through the chapter was that you never really explained what she had done which had made her so tired. I mean, I have ridden horses for up to twenty miles or so, and that alone makes me super tired. And my butt gets sore. <.< But, still. You mentioned her working hard all day, so I assume she didn't just go for a long ride, and it seemed strange that you didn't at least hint to what she had been doing all day. Just a thought. It seems like something you could go into depth more.
Have you ever watched I am Legend? The story you are created seems to mirror that in the slightest of slightest ways. I really like how they are split apart, and the borders which separate them are in place to keep them from getting really sick. I am assuming some form of great disease used to run in the people who are Loners? And now they want the borders to be opened and allow them in? I can see why everyone would be so skeptical and a little angry about the entire deal, but at the same time I sympathize with her father's predicament and understand his sentiments. If there hasn't been a problem in so long, what is holding it all back? It seems as though the story is going to be told from both sides - the Loners and the whatevertheyarecalledIforgot, and that is really neat. Kind of seeing things from both sides. How cool.
I think you did a better job on the character development in this one, so I would agree with Birkoff. You gave us a bit more to work with in her personality and the things she agrees with and disagrees with, her emotions and rise to anger when she walked into the house - the little things you like to mention in the chapter. Just the little things, and they matter a lot, I think. Add quite a bit to the character. I found the part where she envisioned the horse snickering quite cute, actually.
Amazing job, you two! Onto the next chapter. soooooon
~Darth Timmyjake
Thanks Timmy! And yes, this is Mess' chapter
About the character development in my chapter, I have loads of ideas for things I can add in. I don't even know why I didn't first time round.
Thanks Timmy! I haven't seen that movie, but I feel like I've heard of it. I'll try to add some more hints as to her job when I edit, because it does look as if I left that out, and thank you about the note of the horse not needing urging
~Messy
Hey guys!

Or rather, more Messenger this time around.
There's not so much to comment on this time around, seeing as it's quite a short chapter and there isn't generally a lot happening in it. Still, there's a few things I could quickly bring up though.
First of all, I found little to no grammatical errors within this piece. Great!
Another thing that I should mention is that the character you've written in this chapter is a lot more formed and well rounded than any previous ones I've seen. Perhaps save for Percy, but he had some good background with his family and trying to stay alive during such chaos.
In several instances, you just use small, very short actions that give some good indication of what kind of person Ashliah is. Quick mentions of her caring for her horse, her education; which also relays her age, which is good. From very little, we learn that she's been dealing with these groups of angry people for a while and she's tired of it, she's even standing up to men who think they're better than her.
A lot of decent character in this chapter.
However, I'm not sure I'm onboard with the reason for why they aren't opening up the borders and letting people from Lone in. An incident over sixty years ago happened that killed forty people?
Forty people? In the aftermath of such a natural disaster, rebellion, and the forming of a new independant country, I'd venture forth and say that forty people doesn't sound like such a big deal.
And yeah, sixty years? Sixty? That's a generation. Ashliah's father was probably not even alive when this happened. Why are they so hell bent on keeping these guys out? When we finally figure out what actually went down back then, it better be a damn good reason. They better all have become cultist who kill people for sport... forty people at the time.
Alright, overall there's not much else I'd say, so I'll write as I go along:
Suggestion
Just to avoid the repetition of drooping.
Edit
Added a comma.
This right here is fantastic. Just with that small word and the fact that this is the house of the mayor says so much. Much with little.
Edit
Added a comma.
There's a space missing after this period.
As I read this, I found myself thinking about how the initial meteor strike disaster might have affected the wildlife. I'm hoping to see some more of it down the line.
To be honest, I've seen very little connection to the meteor disaster so far. Not after the initial prologue which dealt with it. It's almost as if you just needed a dystopian future and decided on natural disaster. But I'm sure we'll hear more about it down the line as well.
How greedy!
This girl needs a better health education.
I really like the dialogue the two of them have together at the end here. It speaks a lot about their relationship.
Edit
Quick edit.
Alright, that's pretty much all I've got for this chapter. This new character you've introduced seems pretty good. She has a good personality and qualities, and has some good backstory with her father's struggles.
I'm looking forward to where you guys are going with this though. Seeing as you're both writing this, it would make sense that you're writing it from multiple POV's. Sooner or later, I'm sure they'll meet up.
Keep it up, guys!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thank you Birk!
Did the 40 people dying come across as like an assault on them? It wasn't, if that's what you think. Everything will be explained a little bit later on. Also, the meteor strike affects the whole story, it wasn't just a premise to have a dystopian novel.
The whole reason that Lone was separated was because they were "infected" by the strike. There were radiation plants that were destroyed, and plus all the wreckage and smoke and stuff that injured people's health. And when some people tried to come past the outer parts of where the strike occurred, they ended up infecting other people who died and some who got sick but recovered.
Did this meteor strike only affect the west? Because I think the majority of the US power plants are in the east. What stopped them from being 'infected'?
I'm just saying there's a lot that goes into a setting and the suspension of disbelief won't ignore any big issues in the narrative.
Hey Mess, Knight r4 here to review this work! I'm glad to see you finally wrote something for on YWS! It's been a while, anyways, I better get to the review. I certainly hope this helps you!
I know you already had italics before this, but it might be helpful to put something else like *** or ~~~ in between the two parts. You don't have to, but I'm just throwing it out as a suggestion.I believe there should be a comma after "obviously".
I felt that this was just a little too lengthy. It would help some if you spread out the details somewhat, or for that matter replaced some of it with action. For instance, she might try to rub her eyes or take a sip of water to wet her dry mouth/quench her thirst.
I am pretty sure this is a comma splice. I believe there should be a period after the "down".
I am sorry for all the minor grammar nitpicks! but there should be a comma after "them". You also might want to clarify the description, "younger men". When I read it I assumed he was younger than Ashliah, though really it is the other way around seeing he is a year older than her and has been "out" for a year.
There should be a space after the period and before the "Please".
Wouldn't she have already done that before she went in to eat? Most good riders would...
Normally people call it nickering when they are talking about horses.
Again with the periods.
Overall I enjoyed reading this! I kind of get the impression that this is in a western style setting. I am still wondering how this has to do with the first chapter, though. Anyhoots, I guess I will figure it out eventually, at least by the end of the book. Happy writing!!!
Wow, this is great! I spotted little to no errors, so I'll just say what I like about this piece--I don't really feel like nitpicking anyway.
)

This story is pretty solid and the grammar is astoundingly unerring. I could really picture what was happening in the story.
Actually, I take it back. I'll do ONE nitpick. (Or two... or three... or ninety.
It says, "Ash let out of frustrated groan. ""Why does anyone want to allow people from Lone back in? It's like asking for someone to give you typhoid fever!""
It should be/sound better as, "Ash let out a frustrated groan. "Why does anyone want to allow people from Lone back in? It's like asking for typhoid fever!" Also, sometimes your formatting can be kind of distracting.
Anyway, this is a really solid story. Great job!
thank you IO. What did you mean by formatting?
Oh, I was on my phone, so it looked weird. Pay no attention to that!