Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Science Fiction

E - Everyone

Astronaut

by EverySecond


In my dreams, I can touch the stars.

I am floating, tumbling through

a place I do not belong.

My hands brush the heavens and fall away.

I am mortal; I do not belong here.

//

In my dreams, I can speak to the moon.

I am resting above her silver serenity, 

finally at peace.

My mind wanders and forgets her as she slips from the sky.

I am young; I am not made to relax.

//

In my dreams, I can see the Earth.

I am homesick, so close to my origin and 

yet I can't reach it.

My body is adrift and I cannot find the will to move myself.

I am alone; I have only a void for company.

//

In my dreams, I long for purpose.

I am yearning, longing, 

for meaning in my life.

My heart aches and I want it to stop.

I am hurting; I was not meant for reality.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
555 Reviews


Points: 2944
Reviews: 555

Donate
Thu Nov 24, 2016 10:53 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hola, EverySecond! Artemis wants to give some reviews today, so you've got the pleasure of receiving one. :)

Now, we might as well start. The second stanza is quite contradictory, to be honest. The last line says: "I am young; I am not made to relax." Well, the narrator was resting in the second line (which, as you know, is pretty close to relaxing). Try to find some way to make this flow together, but keep your style and lyrical language. It's amazing so far.

I also want to discuss the title. Yes, an astronaut floats through space with "only a void for company," but an astronaut has a purpose. They explore the moon and space and bring information about regions far from Earth. Maybe this is a small detail, but it kind of irks me.

I'm pretty sure that's all I have to say, actually. You convey a feeling of solidarity and hurt, but in the second stanza the moon brings some comfort to the narrator. That's a nice solace, and I'm glad you included it.

You have a lot of potential that YWS can develop. Keep writing here!

XOX,
Artemis28




User avatar
200 Reviews


Points: 60
Reviews: 200

Donate
Thu Nov 24, 2016 2:57 am
kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. This is Kman134, here, with a review.

When reading this poem, i understand the mentality of an astronaut. They feel the sensation when floating in a tin can, high above the world. the feeling of touching the heavens while living in the same level as the gods.

"In my dreams, I can see the Earth.

I am homesick, so close to my origin and

yet I can't reach it.

My body is adrift and I cannot find the will to move myself.

I am alone; I have only a void for company."

However, when you return to the earth, you wish to have the sensation back, to fly to the thermosphere and closely see the stars dance.

Anyway, that's all i have to write. it was a good poem and i wish to read more of your work.




User avatar
46 Reviews


Points: 36
Reviews: 46

Donate
Thu Nov 24, 2016 12:39 am
Joelsweet wrote a review...



Just a quick little review. c:
This was so good. I absolutely love your word choice, as well as the feeling that this invokes. It's a great spoken word poem. I don't really have any qualms with this. My favorite lines are, "My body is adrift and I cannot find the will to move myself. I am alone; I have only a void for company." This is very resonant with the audience, as almost everyone has felt this way, in a dream or otherwise. I also love your repitition of structure in the stanzas, it was an effective delivery. I like the alliteration "silver serenity."

In conclusion, very good, in my opinion. It's well written, and has a powerful, poignant message.
Thanks,
~Joelsweet
(Ps- by no means am I a professional poet, haha ^^)





You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.
— Stephen King