Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this was a twisty story, one hand a beautiful start there, just a lot of general very happy vibes there at the beginning aaaand just like that...it ends on a sad note. Well it was a fun story to read at any rate. More details on all that down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Anali... come take a walk with me.” He whispered. I felt my knees go weak. He entwined his fingers with mine and led me towards a tunnel that I knew well. We got our water from that tunnel. There was a lake in there that filled every time it rained. It rained quite frequently. I looked around to see how the preparations were going. I saw Lyulf watching me, his eyes narrowed, burning into me. I shifted uncomfortably. I turned my attention to Gunner. We walked silently into the dark tunnels. I longed for a bit of light, and luckily, some rocks seemed to glow in the heat. They looked like they had fire inside them and I smiled. Gunner seemed captivated by the phenomena. The tunnels were filled with a soft red glow, still dark but with enough light to see where we were going. The lake inside seemed like crystal. We walked towards a boulder. Gunner guided me up to the top and we stood there for a moment.

“This place is amazing.” He said softly. “Your entire life, it’s amazing.” He looked me in the eyes. “I wish I could stay here forever.” I looked away and stared at the lake for a moment. I breathed in slowly, and wrapped my arms around his neck. He held tightly to me for a moment before pulling away slightly. I felt a loss at that before he leaned down and let our lips meet. It was tender and soft, and I felt like I could live in that kiss forever. He broke it off, only moving a few centimeters away from my lips. His breath was husky. He met my eyes with a fire behind them and he smiled slightly before pressing his lips to mine again, this totally different from the first. He pushed against me and I eagerly responded. I hoped he felt like I did, like he would wither away if the kiss was broken. He wrapped his arm around my waist and let one hand get tangled in my long hair. I put my elbows on his shoulders and forced my hands into his hair. We began drifting slightly towards the edge of the boulder and we stood teetering on the edge. I could feel my heels hanging off the edge as we continued the embrace. I couldn’t breathe the kiss became so intense. The passion I felt growing between us burned as he pressed more, demanding more. And then I felt the sensation of falling. I was falling. He had pushed me away with a glint in his eye that was borderline evil. My body submerged in the lake and the cold water opposed the heat from the kiss starkly. I pushed to the top, and gasped in a breath. Gunner stood on the boulder for a moment more before plunging in after me.

I laughed with him as he broke the surface. He pulled me closer in the water and pressed his forehead to mine. He showered me in kisses, on my hair, my eyes, my cheeks, my nose. He always found his way back to my lips, though. He held me tightly until, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him. Lyulf. I pushed Gunner away, although he hardly moved considering he was holding my waist and there was too mush water resistance. I heard Lyulf growl and he stalked back through the tunnel. The tunnel began shaking, as if manifesting Lyulf's anger. Rocks fell from the ceiling, and then a shower of boulders blocked the only exit from the cave.

Heya, Eevee! Casanova here for another review! Anyway, why was this in your,"shorts," folder? I think you got this and a short story mixed up when you were placing things in folders, but that's alright. I'm almost finished. Well, halfway done. Anyway, let's get to the review.

First off, let's talk about formatting a paragraph. When you're doing dialogue, you break a paragraph. So, let's say you did this. Your second paragraph would start out like-

“This place is amazing.” He said softly.
“Your entire life, it’s amazing.” He looked me in the eyes.
“I wish I could stay here forever.” I looked away and stared at the lake for a moment.

Or something like that. Also, you should always remember to break a paragraph when you're changing a thought, or when you're doing actions and things like that.

One thing I will say- so many props on the dialogue. It's a little bland, and doesn't seem real in some places, but you really didn't use much. You actually let the actions speak for themselves. Please, if you mixed this with proper paragraph structure, you'd have one hella work. I"m not kidding, at least in my opinion. You're probably getting tired of my opinion, though, considering the amount you've heard it now and it is really repetitive after a while.

With the way this is formatted I can't really say all that much about it, considering the big block of texts are hurting my eyes. But I can say you did a great job in putting a suspenseful ending to it. It's the only chapter I've seen of yours so far that's perfect, so I say what you need to do is take a look through all your styles and read what you think is good, and mix the styles a bit. I think it would be good.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one. I'mma continue, and I hope this helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Cassy.

Hello, Meerkat here with a review for this scene.

It certainly makes me want to know the backstory of these characters and of their relationship. That being said, this brief snapshot into their lives was a bit confusing in some areas, due to a lack of explanation about them.

This is an extremely minor nitpick, but in some dialogue lines you placed a period before the associated tag, as in " 'Anali..come take a walk with me.' He whispered." In this scenario, a comma would be more appropriate, because the action of whispering is being used in the character's speech. You would need to change the 'h' in "he" to lowercase, as well. Just something small I noted.

Your formatting might need to be edited. Currently, you have several long, unbroken paragraphs. I believe Elinor mentioned this also. If you break them up, it would improve the flow of the writing.

In your descriptions, there is a lot of phrasing and extraneous wording that you really don't need. You have some lovely sentences, and keeping them shorter and sweeter will make them stand out more to the reader.

The cliffhanger at the end added some tension, and introduced a solid obstacle for your characters. Keep up with this story, I can see how it could be very engaging.

Have a great day, and thank you for writing!

Hello, Meerkat here with a review for this scene.

It certainly makes me want to know the backstory of these characters and of their relationship. That being said, this brief snapshot into their lives was a bit confusing in some areas, due to a lack of explanation about them.

This is an extremely minor nitpick, but in some dialogue lines you placed a period before the associated tag, as in " 'Anali..come take a walk with me.' He whispered." In this scenario, a comma would be more appropriate, because the action of whispering is being used in the character's speech. You would need to change the 'h' in "he" to lowercase, as well. Just something small I noted.

Your formatting might need to be edited. Currently, you have several long, unbroken paragraphs. I believe Elinor mentioned this also. If you break them up, it would improve the flow of the writing.

In your descriptions, there is a lot of phrasing and extraneous wording that you really don't need. You have some lovely sentences, and keeping them shorter and sweeter will make them stand out more to the reader.

The cliffhanger at the end added some tension, and introduced a solid obstacle for your characters. Keep up with this story, I can see how it could be very engaging.

Have a great day, and thank you for writing!

Hello, Meerkat here with a review for this scene.

It certainly makes me want to know the backstory of these characters and of their relationship. That being said, this brief snapshot into their lives was a bit confusing in some areas, due to a lack of explanation about them.

This is an extremely minor nitpick, but in some dialogue lines you placed a period before the associated tag, as in " 'Anali..come take a walk with me.' He whispered." In this scenario, a comma would be more appropriate, because the action of whispering is being used in the character's speech. You would need to change the 'h' in "he" to lowercase, as well. Just something small I noted.

Your formatting might need to be edited. Currently, you have several long, unbroken paragraphs. I believe Elinor mentioned this also. If you break them up, it would improve the flow of the writing.

In your descriptions, there is a lot of phrasing and extraneous wording that you really don't need. You have some lovely sentences, and keeping them shorter and sweeter will make them stand out more to the reader.

The cliffhanger at the end added some tension, and introduced a solid obstacle for your characters. Keep up with this story, I can see how it could be very engaging.

Have a great day, and thank you for writing!

Hi EverWinter,

This is sweet. And based off what I've read, I'm interested to read more of this story and find out who these characters are. From your descriptions I definitely got a sense of the imagery that you were trying to portray. The end confused me a little bit though. Is Lyulf supposed to be a person, some kind of animal, or something else entirely? It wasn't clear. I also understood that they were in a beautiful natural location, but other than that, I was confused about the general setting. What is this world that they live in?

What this boils down to is that your descriptions are very wordy, edging on purple. At the beginning I think you need to show that Anali and Gunner are very much in love. I think you need to show them making out in the water, but I also think you can definitely tighten some your descriptions and focus on the meaning of this passage within the greater context of your story. There was a passage particular that stood out to me:

"He had pushed me away with a glint in his eye that was borderline evil. My body submerged in the lake and the cold water opposed the heat from the kiss starkly."

The first line confused me on my first read through because I thought Gunner was playing Anali for some reason that we'd find out later, but on the second read through I realized he was being playful. And the second line is just a mouthful.

Another thing that made this difficult to read was the length of the paragraphs. You can definitely break them up by each idea to make it easier to read.

I read this through three times and because of these things, I'm not really sure what happened. But I can sense that there's potential here, and as I said, I'm interested to learn more.

Please let me know if you have any questions! I hope this was at all helpful.

Best,
Elinor x

Wow! This has great context and I love the way you can make words flow together. There isn't really much to review you on, I can't find anything wrong with it. I like what your doing so please keep writing. It's such a good story