Young Writers Society

Evan!! This was so beautiful oh my gosh!

First of all, I fell in love with your characters so easily. Your voice sets up such a fairytale atmosphere. I felt so charmed while reading this. It honestly was amazing. I already can't wait to read more.

Okay, I have very few critiques. I get a little picky because I really enjoyed it!

Emelia tipped her droopy wizard’s hat in the new customer’s direction, then waved.

I find it a bit odd that Emelia would do both of these greetings. Usually, a tip of the hat stands alone and trying to picture her doing both is weird.

Emelia quickly managed to recall that she probably wouldn’t end up seeing the sorcerer children again

The mention of "sorcerer children" here really caught me off guard. Especially since no follow up information was offered on them or what they did or anything. I love the worldbuilding, but I would have liked to have a little follow up on them.

Lilac magic tickled through her veins.

I just really love this line.

Lastly, I'm just personally dying to know more about how magic interacts with other magic. You had a line about Emelia not having to worry about her magical energy messing up soeone's day, and that really just opens up a whole other discussion about the effects of magic in the real world.

Mainly, what I'm trying to say, is that this is amazing. I wish it wasn't just a short story!! Well hopefully there is at least a part two? /puppy eyes/ Your worldbuilding here is so rich and I immediately got lost in your style and descriptions. The characters are precious freaking babies and I love them.

Please let me know whenever you post more!

Hi,
This is a really worthwhile read like seriously it is a good. I am just going to leave you some quick comments about the some part you specifically mentioned.

I think there are some parts that somehow went off.

“Oh, hello!” The woman ran her hand through her hair and gave a strained smile. “I was just wondering if you had any books on gardening? I was going to check Barnes and Noble, but I saw this new indie bookstore and figured y’all could use some support. One of my friends recommended this place…”

When you put "Oh, hello!" it was quite odd as a greeting in a shop especially in a reply of a greeting that Emelia didn't ever "Hello!"ed her. It might be just some random greeting if someone has already used to it, but I think this is worth mentioning. And the last sentence of the quoted above ended in an eclipse which it symbolized some shady meaning that it has more meaning in it. And you wrote it as "saw this new indie bookstore", how could it be a novel for her if her friend had recommended this place? It might be because it was new in the place but something is definitely off because if this bookshop a new one then why it has regulars? And if this Sarah is a new to the place, then she can't really say that the bookshop is new. I think you understand what I mean.

I noticed you had put many parts about "Klaxius" which is might be a character that is so vital in Emilia's story, but to repetitively repeat and repeat the name made this story confusing. For me, it is indeed hard to write thoughts or elaboration about the main character's thoughts in story like this and you had put a lot of them which some of them might be not necessary or you can just merge some of them in a paragraph to make it clearer because it made some choppy paragraphs.

Emelia shifted in her worn leather seat a little bit, cast a quick spell to calm her emotions, then put on the best voice she had. “What can I say? I’m dedicated.” Lilac magic tickled through her veins.

To blurt out "What can I say?" here felt a little tad wrong because she is talking to her customer and not her standard friend because earlier in the story, you are able to make a "customer and a seller" situation and to cancel it off after a few weeks made it blunt. If this was personal, it might be okay, but Emelia is speaking using the business phone, and it should be more formal in Emelia's side.

“Ma’am, I’m so, so sorry about that.

“Of course, miss.”

To freely switch between Ma'am and Miss were unacceptable. Decide what you want to call your customer, preferable one of it was enough.

“This is Ms. Oliva from The Alchemist’s Bookshop speaking. How can I help you?”

Some nitpick from me is, I think it better to remove "Ms." there. Just some personal thought though.

The story is nice and quite fresh.To bring up a topic of gardening in a short story is a great idea once a while. And is Emelia having some mental disorder because it made me question about her unnatural behavior. All in all, keep writing this story. Would love to read the next part. Hope this review helped a little.

~Memo

Heya, Adri!

I've been looking forward to this story, so I'm just gonna dive in and get to the content-type stuff at the end. You ready?

Emelia gazed up from her heavy tome with heavy eyes, adjusting her glasses in order to see the new customer who had walked in.

Repetition of “heavy” is repetitive. You could replace the first “heavy” with “hefty” or “weighty” or something of that sort, though I don't think those sound quite right. I take “heavy eyes” to mean she's tired, but part of me feels that it could also be interpreted as her being sad? (Barely, but it's a feeling) So maybe that one should be swapped out.

I am trying to come up with an appropriate synonym, and I'm searching through the thesaurus as well, but I can't come up with any!! Hopefully you can, though. You're pretty good with synonyms.

She had initially suspected one of her regulars — perhaps one of the trench coat mages or even the young sorcerers who she had taken under her wing

So this is kind of nit-picky, and doesn't make a ton of sense, but “trench coat mages” conjures images of mages in trench coats, as I presume you intended, but it also has me thinking that their magic is mainly related to trench coats? It gives me Studio Ghibli vibes, and it could be an interesting idea, somewhat? Also reminds me of Taako's umbrella. But I'm sure this isn't what you meant.
To fix this, I'd suggest saying “trench-coated” (I checked and the hyphen is acceptable there, too, so ha--) But yeah, that might help with clarity.

Also, “young sorcerers who she had taken under her wing” is grammatically correct, but it feels a bit longer than necessary? You may be able to omit the “who” without losing any grammar quality or the meaning you intend, but I'll leave this to your discretion!

but instead she was greeted with a new, bright young woman.

And, same sentence, “bright” kind of makes me think it's in reference to her intelligence, as that's usually what I find the word referencing when describing a person. This may be nit-picky as well. If you read it over again and think it feels out of place, “glowing” may be a good substitute. But this is really minor and, again, nit-picky. It's perfectly fine as it is!

Curiosity and excitement tickled at Emelia’s brain as turned the top paper for the gold-to-dollar pamphlet upside down, promoting reading instead of proper exchange rates.

You're missing a “she” before “turned”.

I'm not sure what you're going for with the final bit of this sentence. I figure something like she turned the pamphlet over so the customer would see reading material rather than exchange ads? I'm not entirely sure if this is correct, and the wording is a bit awkward, so you may want to revisit this portion.

At the same time, she pulled her wand out of her sleeve and quickly cast a few charms to stop the shadows on the wall from dancing.

This is one of the sneak peeks I got while you were writing this, and I love this part. It's a neat little addition to the overall scene and setting, and it gives a taste of the magic in this world you've made. Really like it.

watching as he would always greet new folks (non magical folks) with a smile.

“Non magical” should be hyphenated, I believe. Also, nice use of parentheses. They can be used so wrongly in stories and just rip the user out of the tale, and although this is really just a tiny thing, it had the potential to do that just from being parentheses. But it didn't, it feels natural, so props!

I was going to check Barnes and Noble, but I saw this new indie bookstore and figured y’all could use some support. One of my friends recommended this place…”

Hahah, new indie bookstore. Good bit there. I will say that the ellipses at the end feel like her word tapering off, which you probably intended, but it also doesn't feel quite right for some reason? Maybe you could add a part right after about her glancing around, whether warily or curiously or whatnot. Just the tapering off and then Emelia's sudden leap to speech was funky.

Emelia quickly managed to recall that she probably wouldn’t end up seeing the sorcerer children again, given that the shop had managed to transport itself to Elmset, Ohio instead of staying back in New York City where the magical community was thriving.

This is some good worldbuilding, and I'm definitely intrigued by the shop's apparent spontaneous (or maybe not so spontaneous) transportation from one place to another. Definitely reminds me of Howl's Moving Castle (not a jab or accusation of copying, it's a good thing to be reminded of) with how his castle door could be set to open up to several different locations.
But, all that said, it's rather abrupt and unprovoked, for lack of a better word in my head right now. Nothing explicitly happens to call these thoughts to Emelia's mind, as far as we're shown, aside from the new customer, but that doesn't feel like a strong enough point to stir the notion? Or, if it had been, perhaps this should have been described earlier. It being crammed in now doesn't feel natural and pulls me from the story because one moment Emelia is talking to the customer and then thinking about a thing that was mentioned in passing a couple short paragraphs before.

Hopefully this doesn't come across too harshly. It could be squeezed in elsewhere, and I'm sure you could manage a more natural segue into it at a more appropriate time. It just doesn't quite work here.

General books on gardening or do you need books on particular kinds of plants?”

This doesn't seem like it's punctuated correctly. Maybe you could go “General books on gardening? Or do you need [...]” – Make it two questions, because its current state is a pair of related ideas that are expressed slightly differently. You could keep it as one flowing sentence if you worded it like “General books on gardening, or books on particular kinds of plants?” or a variation of that. Helps the flow and reads more naturally.

Emelia looked toward the small aloe vera plant that rested on her desk, patted it, and then returned her attention to the customer at hand.

This feels random amongst the conversation she's trying to hold. Maybe you could mix things up and have it be a magical/sentient aloe vera plant? And make it wriggle around or something, showing signs of its sentience before Emelia pats it to get it to hold still? That could be fun, and would help build the magical sense of the shop up some more.

Just an idea! The current patting of a regular old aloe vera plant is random, though, unless it has some purpose that I'll find upon reading further--

The woman stopped meandering by the door, walking towards the front desk with a rushed sort of purpose. That didn’t stop Emelia from noticing the gold sheen of makeup dusting her face and how perfectly her bun had been pulled up.

Using both “meandering” and “walking” sounds as though there's a third part to this sentence that's missing. I'd suggest making it “walked” so that you let us know she's meandering, but then walks. Otherwise it gives that missing-part vibe, or it just sounds like she's doing an uncomfortable hobble that's both walking and meandering.

I also don't see how her sense of purpose would keep Emelia from noticing the makeup and hair? I realize, though, that you're trying to describe this character more and build up to the thing I know about from your comments on the plot. It's just an odd thing to say that the sense of purpose doesn't stop Emelia from noticing these things. Unless I'm missing something...?

“I’m mostly looking for perhaps some obscure books about gardening? I’m living in my great grandmama’s house on the outskirts of town

Commas around “perhaps” could help the flow, although since it's dialogue I won't press that too much. I also think “great grandmama” should be hyphenated, but I'm not 100% on that. I do like the usage of “great grandmama” over “great grandmother”, though. It makes this character sound more realistic. More like a normal person. Good dialogue here.

The broom and dustpan clanged happily along the floor, sweeping up dust particles. Emelia covered the receiver of the rotary phone, shot a quick spell, and the animated objects lost all sense of life.

The broom and dustpan are mentioned quite spontaneously. Maybe you could say “the broom and dustpan in the background” or something similar, to at least soften the suddenness of their appearance? Or “a” broom and dustpan might work, but I'm not sure--

If you return the book to the store, then I am happy to give you a full refund.

I think this should be “I would/I'd be happy to” or something of the sort. It sounds more realistic and consistent with the rest of the sentence.

Emelia clapped twice for the lights to switch off, and then she rest her head down against the cool desk.

This should be “rested”, shouldn't it?

And that's grammar done!


I really enjoyed this. It was a fun, quick opening (I hope) to your overall short story, but it set a good scene and introduces the characters well. In terms of dialogue, Sarah sounds more realistic and natural, whereas Emelia was good in the first half, acting all clerk-like, but then sort of stumbled into a robotic tone in the second half.

The little insights into the magical world that you sprinkled throughout were fun and I'd love to read more about your ideas for that. I'm also interested to see if Sarah has any knowledge or inkling of suspicion that there may be something magical going on, as well as Emelia perhaps trying to keep magic hidden from her (is she really going to garden for real? I doubt it.)

But yeah! Overall the flow was decent, pacing was good and relatively consistent, and you've got some good characters. The world is intriguing and I'd love to learn more about how the shop moves from place to place (if it's by magic, like I'm interpreting it to be?). I also want to know more about this Klaxius guy. When you were talking about him in Discord I thought he may have been an antagonist, mostly based on the name sounding sort of villainous, but he seems to just be a mentor of Emelia's, sort of.


Great job with this, though! I hope this review was helpful! Keep up the good work--

- Hatt