Hello! Thank you for reading my story! This is the next two chapters of the book I wrote when I was eight! Now, I know my grammar was not that good then, but I promise, I'm getting better.
Now, for a recap of the story... Harrison James Potter is a boy with a magical memory. Basically, he can remember everything, even his parents death. One day, Minerva McGonagall came by to his house to check up on him. His aunt, Petunia, answered the door.
Poor Harry had been preparing breakfast and had stopped to see the conversation. Unfortunately, his uncle, Vernon, had beaten him -nearly to death- for cold bacon.
Now... Harrison is at the hospital...
Chapter 4
Harry woke up again expecting another blow from Vernon, but strangely enough it didn't come. Then he remembered that he was in the room with the wallpaper that had cars and trucks on it. He also remembered that the Voice told him that he had lost a lot of blood, come to think of it he did fell a bit woozy, and then he blacked out again.
Harry woke up with his head pounding he couldn't think straight, there was Minnie talking to a redheaded Lady; he thought maybe he could ask where he was.
"Excuse me Professor, sorry to interrupt your conversation but I would like to ask where am I?" Harry asked as politely as he could.
Minerva Looked at him and politely asked to pause the conversation with the redheaded lady so she could speak with Harry, "Harry you are in St. Mungo's hospital for magical maladies and injuries, as I said before you have lost a lot of Blood and you are to stay Bed." Minerva said this entire sentence kindly but strictly.
Harry said "I will Professor," as he snuggled in to the warmth of the bed covers and fell asleep.
"James don't you dare put Harry on that broom!" Lily Potter Yelled through the Kitchen window.
James replied with an answer that Most Husbands use when their wives ask something "Yes Dear."
There was a knock on the Door.
"I'll get it Lily," James yelled, running into the House while Carrying Harry.
James opened the door.
"Well Hello Padfoot, Wormtail come in old friends I wasn't expecting you to be here," James Exclaimed Happily.
"Prongs! How are you my friend, can I hold Harry? After all I am his godfather," Sirius said importantly.
"Okay you can hold Harry but if you drop him again I will set Lily-flower on you," James threatened.
Sirius gulped and Lily came in.
"Set me on whom?" Lily asked curiously.
"Sirius," James replied.
"Why?" Lily asked again.
"Um never mind it's not important. Besides Wormtail and I have some business to discuss with you and Prongs," said Sirius.
"Well what is do we have to discuss Padfoot?" James asked curiously.
"Well, you remember when you and Lily made me secret keeper?" Sirius asked.
"Of course I do Sirius, why do you think I would forget it?" James asked again.
"Didn't think you forgot, I was just asking. Anyway, I was thinking that we should choose someone else to be the Secret keeper," James was about to speak but Sirius cut him off. "Not that I don't want to be your secret Keeper, but I was thinking that I could be the decoy. Voldemort could torture me all he wants, but I could never tell him where you, Harry and Lily live, your secret would be safe," Sirius Finished speaking.
"Sirius that is a good idea, but there is no one else that we trust more than you, Besides Remus of course, who would be the secret keeper?" Lily asked.
"Peter," Sirius said this like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Lily looked at James they seemed to be talking with their eyes finally they both nodded.
"Okay Peter can be our Secret Keeper, we will perform the Secret Keeper ceremony at 1 pm don't be Late," James replied
Harry woke up.
"Excuse me Professor McGonagall but where is my Godfather Sirius Black?" Harry asked
Chapter 5
“What? I must have heard you wrong, it must be my age; surely you did not say ‘where is my Godfather Sirius Black?’ ” Minerva repeated, stated, and asked.
Harry was confused; the average witch or wizard does not lose their hearing till there at least 150 years old, Minerva is at least 66 years old, He did not state his confusion because you should never ask a lady her age, He learned this the hard way.
“Auntie Tunney, how old are you?” younger Harry asked.
He was asking her because her birthday was in 5 days and he wanted to make her a card, so maybe they would not beat him as much.
“Freak! You should never ask a lady her age!” Petunia shrieked.
“Go to your Cupboard!”
Petunia shoved younger Harry into his Cupboard,
younger Harry cried, for his dead parents to come and save him from his Aunt and Uncle. The cupboard door opened, He thought it was his Mum and Dad coming to take him away, He was mistaken it was Vernon; Apparently Petunia Had told Vernon that ‘The Freak’ had insulted her.
Harry got punched in the gut, a kicked in the head, and both of his knees got dislocated. Since then he never dare dream that the Dursley’s would ever stop the beatings.
“Harry, Harry, Harry, wake up! Harry.”
He heard a voice it was Minerva’s.
“What?” Harry said, opening his eyes just to see the bright lamp light.
“You just broke down, you kept on mumbling Auntie, birthday, 5 days, freak, age, go, cupboard, and then you said mum and dad and started crying. Harry what’s wrong?” Minerva asked.
Harry now felt the tears on his cheeks, He hastily wiped them off his face.
He sighed.
“What do you want to know?” He said
“Well why did you break down like that?” Minerva asked
Harry sighed again.
“I have a Magical Memory, I can remember everything I see and hear, to some this would be a blessing and to others this would be a Curse for me this is a bit of both.” Harry kept on talking. “I can remember my Mum and Dad’s death, I guess that would be the Curse, but at the same time, without this Magical memory I wouldn’t remember Mum and Dad, and I have evidence against the Dursley’s in jail for a long time.”
Minerva looked like she was going to question some more.
He sighed again.
“What do you want to know?” Harry asked.
Minerva looked down.
“You didn’t really answer my question” Minerva said looking down.
This time it was Harry’s turn to look down.
“It was a memory” Harry mumbled.
Minerva sat there, like she was waiting for him to finish.
“I was three. It was Petunia’s birthday, I wanted to make her a card. So maybe they wouldn’t beat me as much.” Harry stopped. “You know what do you want to see the memory?” Harry asked.
“No thank you.” Minerva replied. By the look on her face you could tell that she was shocked.
Harry looked down, even with his super magical memory he wasn’t the best story teller. He looked up again remembering what his question was.
“Where is my Godfather?” He asked again.
This time Minerva looked down and sighed.
“He is in prison for murder” she mumbled.
“What!” Harry yelled out in surprise, “What did he do! When he gets out I am going to give him a piece of my mind!”
“Harry calm down” Minerva said.
“Why should I calm down!! My Godfather is in Prison, and you ask me to calm down!!” Harry shot back.
“There are other patients in St. Mungo’s.” Minerva replied.
“Oh. Sorry.” Harry looked down.
“That’s okay” Minerva replied.
Minnie began to rub his back, Harry flinched.
“Sorry Harry. Are you okay?” Minerva said.
“I’m alright” Harry said, wincing.
Harry took some breaths to ease the pain.
“Why is Sirius in Prison?” Harry asked yet again. Jeez he thought to himself how hard is it to get to the point?
Minerva took a breath, as if deciding a way to break the news to him.
“He is in Prison for the murder of 12 muggles, the murder of Peter Pettigrew, and selling your parent’s to Voldemort.” She said trembling slightly.
Harry Sat there in shock. He was searching memories, nothing made Sirius seem suspicious. Only Peter seemed suspicious. He dug deeper into his memories. Harry nearly smacked himself in the forehead he just had a dream about them before the switch.
“Professor, I think Peter was the secret keeper.” He hoped he was right.moo
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“I mean Peter is the secret keeper.”
“What proof do you have?” Minnie said skeptically.
Harry pointed to his head.
“Oh” That was the rest that was said for about an hour.
“Well I got to go” Said Minerva looking at her watch.
b“Professor, where am I going to stay?” Harry asked.
“I think I know the perfect place” The Professor said, with a smile on her lips.
Minerva exited the room and came back moments later with the redheaded woman.
“Harry this is Molly Weasley, Molly this is Harry Potter.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Howdy, howdy. An' a happy review day to you as well. *tips hat*
Okay, so I'll just talk generally about the chapter/s here instead of picking things out, since that will make it easier for the both of us, no? As it is, this is really good for something you wrote when you were eight years old, and I'm never one to say no to a bit of Harry Potter fanfiction!
Okay, so I'll be critiquing this with the thought in mind that you're going to be editing this some time soon, so some pointers:
1] Get rid of the run-on sentences, especially in dialogue. There were places where I blinked twice at the screen because everyone was speaking so fast, yikes. I'm sure you know what to do with run-ons, so I won't expand on this.
2] Look for cause and effect. That's something I'm always rattling on about in my reviews, but trust me, it's important. There were places where some actions didn't make sense, like the narrator telling us that Harry couldn't think straight; this was followed up by very eloquent dialogue from the boy in question, who managed to convey his point very smoothly, I think. XD If he couldn't think straight, his dialogue should have been a bit jumbled up as well.
3] Setting. You describe the room as having cars and trucks on the wallpaper, and that Harry sees Minerva ( 'Minnie') talking to a red-haired woman (who isn't described in that much detail, doesn't speak at all, and doesn't seem to exist after the brief mention). So you might want to elaborate on the setting a little. Try using sensory description, too. I know that if I woke up in a weird room, I'd set about scrutinising it thoroughly. After all, Harry probably expects he'll be staying there for a while ...
4] Okay, I'm not trying to be mean here, but ... I did kinda sorta laugh when I read the part about Harry's injuries during the flashback/memory/dream thing. It was a bit exaggerated, I think, and wouldn't that come across as child abuse? I mean, I know Vernon and
PetulantPetunia don't like Harry all that much, but I don't think they'd actually resort to beating him up that badly. A) Because of ze authorities and B) Because of Albus freaking Dumbledore. Remember that Howler Petunia got from Dumbledore in The Order of the Phoenix? ('Remember my last', whew.) Weell, I think that'd make the Dursleys a bit reluctant to throw Harry off a cliff or out the window or anything. Do keep that in mind. ^^5] Pacing. Things are happening in very quick succession. I mean, I get what's going on, but it's a little too fast for my taste. I also feel as if the dialogue/explanation Minerva gives Harry regarding the Wormtail-Incident-and-twelve-muggles-going-kaboom was rather sparse. If anyone's read the book then they'll already know what you're referring to, but I suggest giving a little more detail since the Prisoner of Azkaban hasn't happened, and Harry's probably pre-tty confused right now.
Oohkay, so overall, man this is a wicked idea. Harry remembering everything would be so cool, and it also makes the whole experience a lot more fun--for us, that is. Poor guy, haha. I love how you've kept Harry mostly in-character and ohmygaloshes Molly. <3 I find it kind of weird that she'd be chosen as the person with whom Harry's expected to stay, since he doesn't know her at all and she's not in the Order as yet, but I'm glad you've introduced her. Just wondering how she agreed to this, and why Dumbledore picked her out, hm.
Lemme know if you post more, and I'll hop to reviewing!
Hope this helped~ PM me if you need anything.
Cheers,
~Pomp
Hello and good afternoon, RavenMoonStone! I couldn't help but support my team, so here I am! When I saw the words Harry Potter fan fiction I clicked on this, so don't blame me for getting too excited. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
My first little nitpicks. They show up a lot in this story, so I might as well just say something of mine and copy/paste everywhere it shows up. Here, you have to be ready. *throws candy* 1) Punctuation! I think you have something against these little dots and lines. You need a few commas here and there. In the second section you replace the second comma with a semicolon.
"Harry woke up again expecting another blow from Vernon, but strangely enough it didn't come..."
"He also remembered that the Voice told him that he had lost a lot of blood, come to think of it he did fell a bit woozy, and then he blacked out again."
"Harry woke up with his head pounding he couldn't think straight, there was Minnie talking to a redheaded Lady; he thought maybe he could ask where he was."
"Minerva Looked at him and politely asked to pause the conversation with the redheaded lady so she could speak with Harry,"
"Harry you are in St. Mungo's hospital for magical maladies and injuries, as I said before you have lost a lot of Blood and you are to stay Bed."
2) You make proper nouns out of common nouns.
"He also remembered that the Voice told him that he had lost a lot of blood, come to think of it he did fell a bit woozy, and then he blacked out again."
"Harry woke up with his head pounding he couldn't think straight, there was Minnie talking to a redheaded Lady; he thought maybe he could ask where he was."
"Minerva Looked at him and politely asked to pause the conversation with the redheaded lady so she could speak with Harry,"
"Harry you are in St. Mungo's hospital for magical maladies and injuries, as I said before you have lost a lot of Blood and you are to stay Bed."
I think you can fix the rest, but if you think this is what you're used to with the punctuation and all, than you don't have to do anything. Keep writing, I wanna read more!
-wisegirl22