"Did you know that it rains diamonds on Saturn?"
We're lying side by side, the cool evening air surrounding us, and you're doing that thing again, eyes focused on the sky, while mine prick with tears.
"We could be rich," you add, because even if nothing you say makes sense, you know I'll play along. Because it's you.
"If they didn't hit you on the head and kill you first."
My voice is weak, strangled, and I feel you turn to look at me. You reach for my hand and I can't look back. And now I'm the one staring at the sky.
You wrap your hands around mine, turning fully to face me.
"You know I love you, right?"
And I do.
I know because you remind me every night. I know because warmth radiates from you like you're glowing whenever you're near me. I know because you're always touching my hands, my shoulders, my neck. I know because you're delicate next to me, like a firefly.
But I know the only thing stronger than love is fear. And we've got no shortage of that.
I meet your gaze for a moment, and then you hug me, hot breath on my neck.
"I love you too," I whisper, and it's not the first time I've said it, but it's the first time it feels like a lie.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this is quite the piece here. Starts out sounding innocent enough but wow does it escalate in more ways that one there right up until we hit on that ending here.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well that's some start right there. A cute enough phrase to start with, one of those little throwaway facts that you tend to learn in the most random of circumstances and you just know but you can never make use of some day and then just bam we're bought crashing into a terrifying reality there.
Well a slightly cuter moment from there. You can see its all born purely just out of the love that they have for each other and wanting to be there for each other in whatever situation would cause a threat like that to actually be a realistic thing.
Well that's a horrifying conclusion to that. Amidst all the cuteness, that horrible threat and the connection they seem to share amidst all of this to stand tall against it appears to be fading and lies are being uttered. Quite the powerful line to end on.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall I think you've done a wonderful job putting this together here, really brings out some powerful emotions there right from the get go, and really capitalizes on it there only to turn in yet another sharp direction for the emotions to really come to a head on the last line.
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hi, it's Mika here! I haven't really been reviewing much these recent weeks so I hope I'm at least of some use today.
In this short story, I love how we're transported to a unique world where romance and science intertwine. It's also got a sad element to it, which is nice...well, you know, not nice nice, but it gives a nice touch of emotion there. Sorry if I'm confusing.
So, I want to say this short work is really beautiful, and it really captures the sad moment. When I got to the end, it felt like the moment was slipping from my fingers, because of how the narrator said that they felt like the "I love you too" being uttered sounded like a lie. It seems as if there's a slight problem in the narrator's relationship with the other person.
The ending really left me wanting for more to come. It left me dying to know how the relationship would go on, if it did. It seems to me that the relationship between the two is quite complicated, and it gives the story rich emotion.
Overall, I love this short story. Captivating and interesting! Thanks for even reading this review, really hope it helps <3
thank you! I really appreciate you commenting, have a nice day
Hi hi! Just me poppin in for a really quick review. Let's jump in.
despite the briefness of this piece, i love the scenario it illustrates. It's a super cool depiction of something so raw and personal, (as ariah mentioned below) it feels like something out of a romantic excerpt. The lack of context adds to the sincerity of the story and it's really well laid out. The first line captures the reader attention and the last line hits deep in the heartstrings. i usually pick a favorite line from the piece for my reviews, but really all of these resonate so much with me that i can't just pick one.
Although the shortness is a very well used literary device my selfish desires as a reader want more >.> Not saying you have to make this longer, just saying that it's really good and if you're planning on continuing this then oh my gosh i want to read that. Other than that, i can't offer much criticism since i don't think much more is necessary.
overall, super well done, there's not much more to say but I just wanted to give this piece some very well deserved love. Keep writing, have a wonderful day/night!
blessings,
lux
thanks so much! good luck to you with your own writing as well
Hello! Wishing you well wherever you are. I hope you are hungry as I serve up an Oreo review!
Let's begin with a cookie or what I love about this. The hook and related title immediately drew me in. I was shocked not to see other reviews on this, even though it has several likes. There are no grammatical/spelling issues. It feels like an excerpt from a romance novel. I was left wanting more and re-reading what you have because it was so beautiful that I did not want it to end. I wonder about the fear. Is it simply the fear that can encompass new love when prior failed love shadows gloom? Or is there something more profound than that? Does it solely lie within the need of the narrator to lie? There is so much curiosity that I hope you further this into a full story or novel!
As for the next part, the cream or elements that could improve this, I have only one. I WANT THIS TO GO ON! Yet, there is an excellent effect of this being a short story. Often, short stories leave readers wanting more. If that is your intent and what you prefer to keep this as you have mastered it, as frustrated as I may be left, LOL.
My last cookie will be what I take away from this. I take away the beauty and comfort we can have with others when we are in love. We create a space where we can have random musing about diamonds on Saturn. I am also left with a sense of foreboding where the narrator has lied about their love. Maybe something has changed between them, and I am reminded that love can be fleeting, can change, and like diamonds, there is a magnificence to it, but if cut a specific way, its sharpness can hurt. Bravo! With love, ♡a
thank so much for the review! I'm just trying to get back into writing which is why this is so short, I'll definitely try and write longer stuff in the future. I really appreciate you commenting, thanks