....Foust....
I jerked the joystick to the left, trying to steer the craft as it was pulled in by Earth's gravity. We were heading for the mucky brown water of the ocean, and I toggled the joystick until we were aimed at a large blot of land staining the surface of the water. "Strap yourself in!" I commanded Ahlee.
"Don't tell me what to do!"
I almost turned around to glare at her, but I decided to keep my eyes on my current task of keeping us from going up in flames.
"Do you want go flying against the console?"
"No."
"Then do what I told you and buckle the freaking seat belt!"
Ahlee strapped herself in and I snapped the harness of my own seat belt around my body.
The ground hurtled closer beneath us, and I began to see little black dots of buildings. "Brace yourself!" I quickly typed in a set of commands, and swiped my finger over the console. The ship responded instantly. A silver parachute unfurled from the back of the shuttle. We slowed abruptly, making my stomach drop a little as if I had just missed a step going down a set of stairs. I breathed easy for only a few moments before I realized we were still moving too fast. 'What now?' I thought desperately. I hadn't planned for this.
I was thrown painfully against my harness as the spacecraft crashed to the dusty earth, gouging a rut in the asphalt of the disused road. The lights flickered out, and everything went silent. I unfastened my seat belt, hooking a finger around my collor. "Ahlee?" I called. "Are you alright?"
Ahlee slid out of her seat. "Just a little rattled." She replied. Without power, the doors wouldn't open on their own, so Ahlee and I pulled them apart and stepped out. The air stung my throat as I took a breath and I coughed, pulling my shirt over my nose and mouth. I expected another jibe from Ahlee, but none came. she had her nose covered as well. "Ugh. I can see why we left. This place stinks!" She said, her voice slightly muffled by her shirt. We leaped down from the craft, our feet sending up puffs of dust. All around us was shades of grey. Grey and worn out roads, grey buildings, once mighty skyscrapers now toppled and decayed with age. A grey sky with black clouds that blotted the weak sun out.
A decimated kingdom from a fallen age.
Ahlee and I wandered the dim city, taking in the destruction. The silence here was so thick I could almost feel it, pressing me from all sides until I felt I could scarcely breathe the fetid air. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw something flick through an alleyway.
"What was that?" I whispered.
Ahlee looked around, but the shadow had gone. "What was what?"
I shook my head. "I thought I saw something...It's gone now though."
"More like it was never there in the first place." Ahlee muttered. "Is the little dish licker missing mommy yet?"
If I wasn't so opposed to hitting girls, I would've punched her. I contented myself with giving her a hateful look. The air was beginning to burn my eyes, and I rubbed them tenderly. When I opened them, The shadow was back. I couldn't see who it was, I could only see that it was male. The shadow put a finger to it's lips. "There It is again!" I cried, pointing. If I could get Ahlee to see the shadow, it might mean I wasn't seeing things. Ahlee sighed. "Let it go. There's nothing there."
"You didn't even look!"
"Foust, precious-"
At that word, something inside me flared up. "Don't call me that!" I roared, grabbing the front of her shirt. "Never, never call me that again. Understand?"
Ahlee met my furious gaze steadily. No fear showed in her face. "So the leashed boy has a soul of his own, does he?"
I let her shirt go, reaching for my collor. "Sorry." I muttered.
I drifted away from her side down the alley where I had seen the shadow. Ahlee rushed to follow me. I stopped and let her catch up. I cast a glance around the dingy backstreet. I didn't see any shadows besides the ones cast by the high walls of the alley. Maybe Ahlee was right, and there was never anything there.
Suddenly, something flashed out from over the cinder block wall. He grabbed Ahlee, who yelped and threw the assailant over her shoulder. The shadow flew down the stretch of the alley, twisting midair and landing on his feet.
"I told you so!" I yelled as the figure charged again. I ducked as he lashed out at me with the end of his gun.
"In case you haven't noticed--" Ahlee broke off mid-scentance to lash out with a kick that caught the attacker on the side of the head. "--now is not the time for gloating!"
The enemy was outnumbered two to one, but since I wasn't too experienced in fighting, we were pretty much evenly matched.
Our agressor retreated to the roof of one of the few buildings that had remained upright, and began shooting at us, the green lasers whizzing by us as we fled the dark alley. One of the bolts hit me painfully in the shoulder, and I stumbled, pressing my hand to the wound as I ran. I could hear the shooter giving chase and Ahlee and I pressed on faster. What did he want with us? Suddenly, Ahlee scrambled to a halt. I did the same, not wishing to leave her behind. "What are you doing?" I demanded. "Crazed gunman, remember?"
Ahlee only pointed ahead of us. Dozens of human figures were slinking out from spaces between and under fallen buildings, jumping from roofs and skulking out from alleys.
"Oh." I said.
....Ahlee....
"Bet you wish you'd left me on Rigel now." I hissed. Foust glared at me. He'd been doing that a lot lately. To tell the truth, I just wanted see him lose his temper again. It was interesting to see Foust the Knight of Valor change into Battle Foust.
"And you think you'd be better off there than here, Sparky?"
I opened my mouth to argue, but, as infuriating as it was, he was exactly right. on either planet I'd end up like this, surrounded by enemies. The only difference is that on Earth I had Foust. The only person who I could trust, and that was only because he was in the same boat as me.
"Don't call me Sparky." I grunted instead.
One of the figures, I skinny African American girl with matted black hair, strode toward us, accompanied by the gunman who had been chasing us.
I glared at them both. "What do you want?" I demanded.
The gunman grinned. "A Rigellion girl with guts? How refreshing."
I lunged at him, but his friend pushed me back. "Y'can punch 'im in the face later, kid. First lemme ask ya why you'd choose to crash here? The ship was obviously from Rigel, but we weren't expecting smugglers form there for at least two more months."
I clutched the chains in my hands tighter. The girl saw the movement and looked down at my fettered wrists. "Escapees, eh?"
The gunman's eyes glinted. "Wonder if there's a bounty on their heads yet?"
I tried not to glance at Foust. The Matriarch would pay a hefty sum to get him back. "No." I said. "We're just miners."
The girl flashed me an imperious look. "You think ah'm stupid, girl? No miner would wear a gold collar."
"Foust? He's a nobleman's son. His father got rid of him, sent him to a Hold. didn't want him taking his position or something."
The two Earth dwellers seemed to buy the story. Rigellion kids always looked more human than the adults did, and with his name and appearance, Foust could pass himself off as a interplanetary royal easily.
Foust looked over at me, surprise flashing in his bottle green eyes. I crossed my eyes and flicked my tongue out at him.
The gunman looked a little disappointed. "Man, I was hoping for a little extra pocket money."
The girl elbowed her companion. "Shut it, Od. You ain't gonna keep the money even if we do turn em in."
Od sneered "You wanna bet, Tifanny?"
Tifanny gave him a look that clearly said, 'I'll kill you later' and addressed me again "You got a name, runaway?"
"Yes, and I'm sure as heck not gonna tell it to you."
To my surprise, Tifanny threw her head back, and laughed. "Smart little firecracker, aren't ya? You realize your not in much of a position to be bickerin' yeah?"
Foust smirked. "Oh, sure she does, but don't think that ever stops her."
Tifanny raised one eyebrow. "Oh, it speaks!" She taunted. "Well, what about it, daddy's boy? You gonna tell me what your doin' on my territory, tearin' up my road?"
Foust smiled elegantly. "Miscalculation in fuel. We crashed. Sorry about the damage. We came to hide for a while, if you would let us shelter with you, we'd be graetful."
Foust flashed me a warning look and continued "We promise not to cause any more trouble."
Tifanny grinned, adjusting the ammo strap across her chest. "Well, Little Man, looks like you got more manners than your friend there." she thought for a while, then her smile widened. Od sensed what she was thinking first.
"Oh, no." He said. "No, no, no, no, no. You're just gonna let 'em crash here because prince charming over there said Pretty Please?"
Tifanny nodded once. "Eh-yup."
Foust glanced over and wiggled his eyebrows at me. I roll my eyes.
Tifanny folded her arms. "I'll let you stay in my territory, but it'll cost you later, Little Man. Remember that."
***Rigel, Location: The Matriarch's castle***
The Matriarch of Rigel paced her quarters, twisting Foust's golden leash in her hands. She could hardly believe her precious pet would have left her like this. Hadn't she taken care of him? She had loved him since he was just a little pup, brushed him and played with him, what reason had he to run away like this?
There was a gentle knock on her door.
The monarch sniffled as she opened it on a maid, accompanied by the general, an imposing looking Rigellion with medals glinting all over his navy blue uniform. "Matriarch." He greeted courteously.
The Matriarch stopped twisting the leash. "Have you found him? Did you find my Foust, general?"
the general nodded. "We've caught the signal from the ship he stole before it lost power. It was picked up flying through in the milky way galaxy, heading for coordinates 003E."
"Earth? But it's dangerous there! Oh my poor little baby! He must be so scared!"
The general's gaze darkened. The bad news wasn't over. "Matriarch, normally the army wouldn't concern themselves with a case like this, but your pet was in the company of another human life form. A female responsible for the murder of a group of Rigellion slavers."
the Matriarch gasped. Her Foust with a murderer?
"We are currently doing everything in our power to secure the two humans and bring them to Rigel for trial. We'll return your pet to you soon, sovereign. providing he isn't found guilty."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Okay I have no idea why you said the previous comment. But I saw that you are actually gonna self publish this, so hats off to you! I'm glad you took my suggestions into consideration, and have adapted a couple of the plot ideas I suggested to fit your story. You've got a good thing going here! Anyway, ere are a list of my suggestions and corrections:
1.A couple of times, you forgot to capitalize the first letters of sentences. Please look through this for that.
2."So the leashed human has a soul of his own, does he?"
Soul doesn't seem like the right word here. I suggest replacing it with mind. Also, since they are both human, I don't think that human needs to be said again here. Perhaps pet or boy or kid would work better here.
3. I cast a glance around the dingy artery.
I'm pretty sure you meant alley, not artery.
4.Lasers are spelt as I have just said it.
5.I'd like it if you'd describe what your characters are wearing, as I'm sure the normal clothing would have changed. It would also help the reader be able to picture them better. Also, to that effect, I'd like it if you go into more depth of the physical appearance of Tiffany and Od.
6.You realize your not in much of a position to be biccerin'* yeah?
*bickerin'
I like how you portrayed the matriarch as being anxious over Foust. Also, we now realize that there are some mysteries to Ahlee, which creates a feeling of suspense. Good job! This is a great work and I can't wait to see more from you! If you ever need any help with plot, storyline or anything don't hesitate to ask me. Keep writing!
-Zeus
P.S.Continue to tag me when you publish more chapters of this please. I'll try to not to take so long next time!
Bum-Buh-Buuuuuuuhhh!
Back again! Thanks for tagging me. I like the new title. The old one was alright, but this one sounds a bit more original.
'she had her nose covered as well.'
Moving on, This is looking really good! I see you renamed your planet, though I don't quite understand what was wrong with Mars.
I like the way Foust and Ahlee are developing. They're growing on each other, but they're not ready to admit it just yet. That's always been one of my favorite ways for friendship to develop in a story.
That bit at the end, in the castle, is especially great. You've thrown some mystery on Ahlee, and I like the way you portray the Matriarch as being worried about Foust.
There aren't any major grammatical errors, just a few small ones.
Spoiler
Capital 'she.'
'"There It is again!" I cried, pointing.'
Lowercase 'it.'
'I cast a glance around the dingy artery.'
I don't know if you're use of 'artery' was intentional here, but it kind of confused me. if you're looking for another word for 'alley,' you might try 'backstreet.'
'"in case you haven't noticed--" Ahlee broke off mid-scentance to lash out with a kick that caught the attacker on the side of the head. "--Now is not the time for gloating!"'
Capital 'In,' lowercase 'now.'
'I could hear the shooter giving chase and Ahlee and I pressed on faser.'
'Faster.'
'Suddenly, Ahlee scrambled to a halt.'
I'm not sure 'scrambled' is the right word. 'Stumbled' might be better, but that's a personal preference.
'I opened my mouth to argue, but , as infuriating as it was, he was exactly right. on either planet I'd end up like this, surrounded by enemies.'
You put an extra space before the comma, and need to capitalize that 'on.'
'"The ship was odviously from Rigel, but we weren't expecting smugglers form there for at least two more months."'
'Obviously' and 'from.'
'the general nodded. "We've caught the signal from the ship he stole before it lost power. It was picked up flying through in the milky way galaxy, heading for coordinates 003E."'
Capital 'the.'
'the Matriarch gasped. Her Foust with a murderer?'
Capital 'the.' Also, does the Matriarch have a name, or is she just called by her title?
'We'll return your pet to you soon, sovereign. providing he isn't found guilty.'
I think it's 'provided, ' and with a capital 'p.'
I actually have a question about the previous chapter. (I like pointing out plot holes, mwa-ha-ha-ha.) If Foust was never able to escape because he was usually locked in the matriarch's room, how'd he get out to the hall in the first place? It might make more sense if he was kept in some kind of chamber of his own or something, and you wouldn't have to change the plot too much for something like that. I don't know, though, just a suggestion.
I'm enjoying this! Good luck with you're writing.
-Evvy
I changed the planet because we've sent out probes and taken photographs of mars, and found no evidence of life. I think it would be a little more practical for them to be on a fictional planet. Thanks for reviewing! I'm gonna self-publish this one.
(My uncle did that woth his book, Catalyst. If you like this you should check his book out.) So feedback is much appreciated.
I see. I suppose that's a better idea.
I don't think I have the guts to self-publish anything, so good for you! I'll try to keep up the feedback! Keep tagging me.