I could see everything from the corner I cowered in with my sisters. The man that loomed over our unconscious parents was tall with dark hair, He had murky eyes; as if someone had gotten a stick and started stirring up the muddy ground of a stream. They were the eyes of a Soulless. He was trying to substitute our parent’s souls for his own lost soul.
The worst part was that no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t peel my eyes away from the horrible scene now in front of me.
The Soulless stepped closer to my parents, he had a weird look plastered on his face it was like he was terrified about what might happen, but it was mixed with a look of glee and pleasure – he was as excited as a kid on the morning of their birthday, this seemed to be the more powerful emotion.
Within seconds the man was already bending over my father’s body, he muttered something that because of the fright for my parents, the blood pounding in my ears and all the screaming coming from me and my sisters I couldn’t hear what he was saying. Something seemed to lift from my father’s body, shimmering, making all colour that was still left in his face leave – as if that shimmer was the only thing keeping it there – it merged with the Soulless making him crumple to the ground.
'Maybe whatever that shimmer was, was something to powerful for him to handle?' As soon as the thought had crossed my mind as if he was listening to my thoughts. He stood slowly. A scary smile was now glued onto his face; he didn’t have that small look of fear on his face anymore only a look of pleasure that was mixed with that of what can only be described as a look of blissfulness.
He kicked our father out of his way and looked down at our beautiful mother. He looked hungry and the only thing that would smother his hunger was that of my mother’s soul. He muttered the same thing he did before and the same thing happened, a shimmer lifted from my mother’s body, all colour leaving her face, merging with him, making his eyes their normal hazel brown. Though this time when he fell to the floor he started writhing and thrashing on the floor. Two shimmers rose up from the man’s body and disappeared, making his eyes turn back to the murky colour. He rose up from the ground slowly, his face now contorted with rage. He started cursing loudly, at our parents, at the sky, at everything. He walked slowly over to my parents pulling the knife from the kitchen bench, that mum was working at before he came in. I didn’t want to watch but I still couldn’t look away, but thankfully my older sister, Acythia, turned me away from the ugly scene now in front of me.
I heard one short scream and then there was a loud thump. I looked straight at my younger sister, Lydia, to see if she was the cause. She looked at me; her eyes seemed to have lost their normal little sparkle of mischief but replaced by a complete look of horror, by the scene that she too was forced to watch.
I knew once I looked at her that Lydia was the reason the man had dropped to the floor, she was controlling him now; she obviously couldn’t before she must’ve been too scared. She panicked and lost control because he stood up and turned toward us.
'This is it. He’s going to kill us.' Acythia must’ve thought the same thing because she hugged me and Lydia closer. But before the man could reach us he dropped to the ground again. Acythia had made some kind of solid metal ball and hit him in the back of the head with it, hitting a pressure point to hard and killing him.
Our Mother, Father and our older Brother now lay in front of us. They were all dead. Our Brother had killed our parents in hunger and we had murdered him in fright.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Oh My God so sad. It also scared me alot. I like writing about souls and stuff too. Just not in the way you did. I have to read Chapter 1. I predict that the girls will survive and try to avenge their father. Can't believe they killed their brother with fright!
All in all this was a really great story. I seem to find that the best works are in action/adventure
- see review for chapter 1. InuRa.
Thank you so much!!!
I love this start!!!!! First chapter, now the whole thing! I think...
amazing start amazing words and and... uh, amazing...
THANK YOU!!!
Hello there! Today I'm going to review this (finally!) since you keep asking me to and I do owe it to you xD
// First of all, this newly edited piece sounds great! I remember the continuous editing you had to go through when you first started this, hehe. The structure (which I presume, according to the other reviews that you had to edit into paragraphs) looks great, clean and easy to read. So yeah.
// I do feel like you've used the word 'scene' a little too much throughout your prologue. Like '... I couldn’t peel my eyes away from the horrible scene now in front of me', 'turned me away from the ugly scene now in front of me' and 'complete look of horror, by the scene that she too was forced to watch' seems a bit too much, but that might be just me. Consider changing one of them to sight, or something of the lines.
// It'd be good if you described the other characters a little bit more, you've described the Soulless really well but I still can't picture the mother and father and the sisters as much.
// In the 7th paragraph I find this a little odd:
"I heard one short scream and then there was a loud thump. I looked straight at my younger sister, Lydia, to see if she was the cause. She looked at me; her eyes seemed to have lost their normal little sparkle of mischief but replaced by a complete look of horror, by the scene that she too was forced to watch."
The 'one short scream and then there was a loud thump' is strange for me. Perhaps change to "I heard a short scream followed by a loud thump. I instantly looked straight at my younger sister Lydia, to see if she was the cause.' << That just sounds more natural and flowing to me.
// And here;
"This is it. He’s going to kill us. Acythia must’ve thought the same thing because she hugged me and Lydia closer. But before the man could reach us he dropped to the ground again. Acythia had made some kind of solid metal ball and hit him in the back of the head with it, hitting a pressure point to hard and killing him."
This feels rushed. 'Acythia must've thought the same thing because she hugged me and Lydia closer. But before the man could reach us he dropped to the ground again.'
They were just cowering in the corner seconds ago, and then Acythia suddenly raises the metal ball and kill him? Also, why do they have a metal ball? I was thinking using a more normal daily object in their time, like a metal pan or something. Meh, whatever floats your boat. I would put this to make it more interesting-sounding; 'I gasped in shock as the man (monster/Soulless/killer?) suddenly dropped to the ground.. etc'
// That ending! Never saw that coming c; I was thinking it was going to be better if the sisters figured it out throughout the story, but eh. Also, how did they figure out it was their brother..?
Other than all that stuff, I loved it! It sounds like it's going to be really interesting and I can't wait till you upload more. You're a great writer with talent, so I shall claps for you -claps claps claps-
But wow this is actually really long. I can't even believe I did that during Media Studies o.O As I said before, can't wait to see more of this, keep me updated! I hope my review helped you.
{{ -devigonewild- }}
Thank you so much Devi!
This did help, but what do you mean 'how do they know it's their brother?' It's their brother! Of course they're going to know it's him!
With the scene thing I didnt even realise I did it. I will change it soon.
As for the Description thing I decided to describe the sister in the first chapter. And the parents I didnt really think about. As for the rest I will take in to account and consider changing (most likely will)
*Bows* Thank you for clapping!
Wait why did you owe me again? Hmmm anyway thank you soooo much!
*huggles*
~Neverland xx
How come they didn't figure it out before? owo { about the Soulless being their brother } or did they just not mention it so it would be more of a BAM! at the end? Dunno how to explain it.
Anyways, your welcome! Glad it helped ^-^
When will you post the next chapter? If you want you can email/USB it to me to edit or something and give you some feedback before you post ^-^
xo
{{ -wild- }}
No it was meant to be like they knew but no one else was meant to know til the end. Hmmm might give it to you over the USB.
But I might post tomorrow or early next week. Not to sure yet.
~Neverland xx
Okay, sounds good. Also remember to put a title in this! xD
Yeah, changing it today
I'll give the stuff to you on the USB when you get here.
Hey, EscapeToNeverland c:
)
It's a great piece of work. Scary, but that's how it's supposed to be, right? A sort of Sci-fi-horror-fantasy theme, I suppose. However I've got a few things for you to work on, and some positive comments;
1. You've layed it out well, I mean, it flows, but it would flow a lot more if you made it into smaller paragraphs. Say, for example, after the line; 'The worst part was that no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t peel my eyes away from the horrible scene now in front of me', you could make a new paragraph after that. It would make the story a lot easier to read if you split it in about 3 or 4 parts.
2. The word 'colour' is spelt correctly, considering where you live. It may be different for others because they may live in other countries like America, but for our country, it's right. (Just putting that out there for everyone else's sake
3. As 'TheMessenger' said, you need to italicize the character's thoughts. Or maybe put them in quotation marks? You could use either or both, but it would help if you differentiated them from the rest of the text.
4. That ending. Amazing. I was expecting some sort of creepy middle or old-aged man... but then BAM! The Brother! Nice work! I would've never seen that coming!
5. Great work! Keep writing because you obviously have great talent.
xx Odyssey xx
(Woo-hoo! First Review!)
Okay first off thankyou for reviewing my piece, Odyssey.
Everything you have said is very true.
Though there is one thing everyone needs to stop saying that I need to make the thoughts itallic, I've explained it, it's not working, same with the paragraphs. But I guess it's not your fault. Thankyou for pointing out the colour thing.
And to be perfectly honest I didnt even put the brother thing in until I posted it, even though I wrote the prologue a while ago, he was never their brother.
Anyway I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thank you again for the review!!!
~Neverland xx
I FIXED THE ITALLIC!!!
Andy here, with the promised review!
Ok, Let me start with a few things I noticed. First, You have to put in some paragraphs. That read like an entire clump, and I think it needs some breaks in it. Next, you had a few minor grammar errors.
Next, You ended your prologue in a cliffhanger. I do not really recommend doing this, but you can if you want. Your writing seemed a little fast, so I reccomend you slow it down a little. Other than that, this was great! :3
It's finally in paragraphs!!!! YAY!!!
WOOT!
This was good. Creepy but I liked it. I think instead of having your writing all in one big clump I would have it in paragraphs but overall it was a good piece. I wouldn't put in this part:
"(soulless: a person who has lost ownership over their own soul, but yet still lives.)"
In my opinion I would leave that out because it keeps people guessing and makes them wonder who the soulless are (making them want to read on). I would leave the explaining of what a soulless is to maybe the first chapter. I love the ending, I wasn't expecting that twist but it definitely works. Can't wait to read more. Keep writing.
Thank you so much for reviewing my piece!
I did have it in paragraphs and all but it didnt come through I'm about to fix it up. But really thankyou!
I'm glad you liked it
xx
~Neverland
It's finally in paragraphs!!! YAY!!!
Hey there. Coming to review you because you need one.
What I say next is not my opinion. It is not an option. You MUST do this.
Get rid of the -'s
Reasons:
*They aren't correct.
*They look irritating
*They make it annoying to read.
Let me show you what each of them should be.
I'll do it in order form the top to the bottom.
1. I cowered in with my sisters.
2. was tall with dark hair. He had murky eyes; as if someone had gotten a stick
3.stream. They were the eyes of a Soulless
4.The Soulless stepped closer to my parent’s. He had a strange look plastered on his face it was like he was terrified about what might happen, but it was mixed with a look of glee and pleasure; he was as excited as a kid on the morning of their birthday.
5. making all colour that was still left in his face leave. It was as if the shimmer was the only thing keeping it there. It merged with the Soulless making him crumple to the ground; maybe whatever that shimmer was, was something to powerful for him to handle?
6.
I couldn’t help but think to myself.As soon as the thought had crossed my mind it was as if he was listening to my thoughts. He stood slowly.7.making his eyes their normal hazel brown; the colour that had been his natural colour.* If its obvious you don't need to say its obvious, just say it if its obvious.
8.He started cursing loudly, at our parents, at the sky, at everything.
I think that's all of them.
Other corrections to make your work read nicer.
Don't put in this bracket, just get rid of it. This is the prologue, and I am assuming that in the actual story you will describe what a Soulless is near the start, the brackets and how you did this makes it seem strange, almost like a video game where it pauses the game to describe your enemy to you.
This line doesn't really work, why don't you just say in the previous line that the birthday emotion was stronger instead of having to put an extra line in here.
Paragraphs, just like was previously stated.
You have a few lines in here that don't make sense, for example number 6 that I mentioned above didn't make sense and I tried to rephrase it.
I have not included everything here you could improve on, because there is quite a bit of editing. One toy break your work into paragraphs it will be easier for you to see where you need to fix up.
See makes sense as to why I asked you to review it. Okay with the paragraph thing I actually did do it but when I put it into the submit box it didn%u2019t come through, I%u2019m going to fix it, as well as the italic problem. As for your point 1-8 I changed most I think there was 1 or 2 I didn%u2019t, they were very helpful, thankyou.
This is a very confusing concept to write, that%u2019s one if the reasons I enjoy writing it so much. So I loved how you said there were things I needed to rephrase, and I know there is a lot I need to fix. I%u2019m very glad you decided to review my piece after all.
Though I do have one question%u2026.. Did you like any of it?
Xx
~Neverland
Just press enter to make a paragraph. And I wont say until you fix those dashes -
Argh it didnt work, I'm going to have to re-rewrite it over again.
It's finally in paragraphs!! YAY!!!
The Messenger Knight here to review as asked for.
So, this seemed really, really, creepy, but that's good. But some big problems.
1. You have everything on one big clump, and you need to change it to several paragraphs.
2. You didn't italicize your character's thoughts.
3. Colour? Not sure about that one.
Good things.
1. This beginning gripped me instantly with the creepy person hovering over the parents.
2. Wow, what a twist at the end. I was totally not expecting that. I expected some demented person, but a brother? And then he gets killed. Talk about traumatic experiences!
Overall a pretty good job with a lot of twists and things that as of yet don't make sense, making me want to know what's going to happen.
Keep it up!
Okay now I looked back on it and I%u2019m not sure how I didn%u2019t notice it before. I write all my chapters and what not on a word document on my laptop before I post it, now on there I have it in paragraphs and italic is there. But I copied and pasted it into the submit box so all of it didn%u2019t come through. I shall fix all this immediately. Okay now for the %u2018colour%u2019 thing, I%u2019m Australian so I spell it different, this is how Australia spells %u2018color%u2019 so just ignore that, it%u2019s not a spelling mistake.
Okay the thing about the brother I really only just thought that I could do a lot with it, you know like have something with a filler chapter or it could help keep Acythia%u2019s, Lydia%u2019s and Hunter%u2019s past easier in ways.
Anyway I%u2019m very thankful that you review my piece, it means so much to me. I am going to fix my errors in the morning and then review for most of the day
Xx
~Neverland
It's finally in paragraphs!!!
Looks so nice.
Yeah, looks so much better in paragraphs, but itallic still isnt working
I FINALLY FIXED IT!! THE ITALLIC IS NOW THERE!
Hi, I'm Celticmusicgirl and I'll be reviewing this piece of work today. My review shall focus mainly on spelling/grammar and how it makes sense and flows. I really liked this piece. It was very interesting. I spotted only 2 or 3 errors.
1.) you said colour. isn't it color? I mean either way might be right if so then ignore this. It's just not the common spelling where I'm from.
2.)You said: "Maybe whatever that shimmer was, was something to powerful for him to handle?" I believe it should be "too" instead of "to".
3.)You said:"I knew once I looked at her that Lydia was the reason the man had dropped to the floor, she was controlling him now; she obviously couldn’t before she must’ve been too scared." I believe you are missing a word here. I think that it should be "I knew once I looked at her that Lydia was the reason the man had dropped to the floor, she was controlling him now; she obviously couldn't before BECAUSE she must've been too scared."
Overall, This is a very well written piece. I just have three suggestions for you.
1.) Space out the piece some. Break it into paragraphs. It makes it a little easier to read.
2.) When putting a characters thought in a story, it helps to italicize the thoughts. it lets the reader know that it is a thought and not a part of the other text. However some people prefer to put the thoughts in quotations. To me, this is not helpful. I tend to get the thoughts mixed up with what the characters are actually saying. Therefore, I put the thoughts in italics.
3.) Perhaps you could describe the characters more. You described the soulless very well but maybe put some more description into the other characters. I would like to know what the other characters look like and their ages.
Thank you so very much. This has been very helpful and I shall change things. As for the thoughts part I believe you to be correct. Though I do remember making it itallic, it mustn't have come through. Strange. But thank you for the information about everything, I shall change what must be change.
xx
~Neverland
It's finally in paragraphs! YAY!!
The Itallic has finally been fixed!!!!!
Okay I’m probably going to post a side note at the end of every chapter. Sometimes It’ll be explaining something that I didn’t put in the chapter, and doesn’t really get explained at all. For a new character I’ll put like a description of what they look like, the places I might put a link. Terms that aren’t in real-life-terms I’ll normally explain them as well….. so here it is. Oh and by the way if you ever find something confusing please ask and I’ll try to explain and then fix it up! please enjoy!!!
A Soulless: to have done wrong by their soul (or another person’s soul), resulting in losing the right of ownership over their own soul.
A user: to have the power to wield (use) a power/skill.