Okay this chapter needs alot of work I kow but I cant really find the way to put it so I really need help from you guys. It's really messy so please keep it in mind when you read this.
“HUNTER! WAKE UP!” it was Acythia trying to wake me from my nightmare that she knew I was dreaming due to all my thrashing and screaming in my sleep. It happened every night and Acythia waked me up every morning. Acythia’s long, wavy caramel brown hair framed her pretty heart shaped face and her light brown eyes sparkled as she looked at me. She was tall and skinny, she was very beautiful, but a natural beauty. She looked 17, her age.
I felt a pang of sadness as I thought of my dead family. As I thought of how the three of them had died so instantly, how my brother had killed our parents and we killed him. As I thought of it I remembered that it didn’t matter that he was my brother. He had tried to call forth Ravages to gather energy so he could become stronger. He had done something to harm the souls of others so in return his was taken away by a Soul Taker.
You see my nightmare was something real; it’s one of my memories. It happened 5 years ago, when I was 9. But it just kept repeating over and over when I slept, it’s the only dream I ever dream, when I sleep, since the night it happened.
“Don’t make me go get Lydia,” Acythia said trying to sound threatening but she couldn’t stop herself from laughing.
“I’m up but get her anyway,” I was still half asleep and sounded real groggy, but I could still hear the little delicate pattering sound of Lydia’s footsteps as she walked down the hallway, “What do ya want for breakfast Lydia?” I asked as she walked into the room.
“Hmmm, I want….. Pancakes,” Lydia finished finally deciding on what she wanted. I nodded and stood up from my comfortable, warm bed, before stretching. Lydia always wanted pancakes so by now I was really good at making them. Lydia was bouncing around everywhere, even though she was small, in every way, she still had boundless energy, but that’s normal for 9 year olds. Isn’t it? As she jumped around my room her brown curls bounced just below her shoulders, the few curls that normally framed her face were pushed back, out of her face. Her brown eyes twinkled with their normal mischievous glint.
“Race ya to the kitchen,” Acythia exclaimed before running out of the room, Lydia and I looked at each other just for a second before chasing Acythia. Acythia ran down the stairs with Lydia and I in pursuit. We were running to the kitchen, but just before Acythia got there she stopped, so did I.
“Yay, I win!” Lydia squealed in excitement.
“That doesn’t count. You’re controlling us,” I complained, I was a little annoyed at myself as well, I should have known she would have done it, I should have put up a block spell. Normally I didn’t need one, but it was too early in the morning, I just woke up so I couldn’t block her normally.
“Yeah, come on let us have our control back,” Acythia pleaded. Lydia let out a deep sigh before letting us move at our own free will again. I rolled my shoulder as Lydia put all the ingredients in front of me, I smiled at her and she smiled back sweetly, sending shivers down my spine. She let out a little, dainty laugh making her sound like a 5 year old again.
I finished mixing the pancake mixture and started to cook them on the pan. I made really big ones, ones that filled the pan. I flipped one off onto a plate that Lydia then took and placed on the table.
She took a bite of the pancake before exclaiming, “Hmm, these are really good sis.” I finished making the pancakes and sat down with Acythia and Lydia and ate.
“So what does everyone want to do today?” Acythia asked before shoving another square of pancake in her mouth.
“Umm, let’s go out to the field and practice some more. That was fun the other day. Hunter can teach us how to channel our skill power into our fighting,” it was Lydia that answered the question, when she was finished Acythia looked at me for my answer.
“Sure, but this time make sure you wear clothes that you can train in. Anyway considering we know you the innocent look doesn’t work real well,” I answered looking at Lydia at the last part, and she smiled sweetly at me. Last time we trained she wore a pink tutu and a frilly pink shirt.
“But all that stuff is really ugly,” she complained pouting, I readied myself knowing that she was about to try and control me on the matter. I felt a tug as she tried but considering I have a very strong mind I could block her. “Hey that’s not fair, you can’t block me like that!” she exclaimed whilst scowling at me and I poked my tongue out at her.
“Look I know you don’t like wearing the stuff but if you don’t wear it, it’ll be too difficult for you to move around properly. When you wear tutu’s and those sorts of things in training we’ll be able to catch you too easily, we’re all fast but you’re the fastest, and wearing that will slow you down. If you want to wear that stuff out you can just not when we’re training,” I explained all of this and slowly felt the tugs on my mind fade away as Lydia stopped trying to control me.
“Okay, but when I can move around in it properly I’m going to wear it,” Lydia said stubbornly. I nodded knowing no matter what my answer would be the outcome would be the same. Lydia would have it her way.
We finished breakfast, cleaned up the mess we’d made then went upstairs to get ready for the training session. I went into my room and closed the door behind me. My room was reasonably big, it had my bed, a large oak wardrobe, an ensuite (we all had one), a large window curtained by a vibrant teal (the curtains and the windows were open, so the room was filled with light), along with a dresser and mirror. The walls were painted a beautiful blue.
The wind outside blew in the beautiful willow trees making a rustling sound. We lived on the outskirts of our small village; Nordic Village, it’s real nice and peaceful. Our house had a small stream running next to it – hence all the willow trees – the stream ran into a big lake behind the outcrop of trees that was at our backdoor. As I looked outside I swear I could see something really quick flash between the forest, something small and slight, someone clothed in black. But I just let it leave my mind; I wasn’t going to let anything ruin today, it was going to be fun.
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129,684 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
Hey Neveland!! Silver here!!
I hope that you take encouragement for this and don't give up, after all that's why you posted it. So that we can help you make it better. 
Happy writing. 
I'm going to start off by saying that I'm actually going to have to agree with most if not all of what Ball said below.
Title:
Baal was right in saying that it doesn't have to be all in caps. What I think you should have incorporated was the title of you story and what chapter it was, e.g.: We Make The Elements: Chapter One. I say this because when I saw it I didn't know what story it belonged to, which might be a problem for followers of your story because they don't realise that it IS your story. In fact from your title I get the notion that the entire chapter is going to be about pancakes.
Grammar:
Trivial things like:
"waked" should be woke.
" it’s the only dream I ever dream, when I sleep," doesn't need a comma after dream.
"when I slept" should be "when I sleep" check your tenses, I know it gets confusing but its really important.
"Normally I didn’t need one, but it was too early in the morning, I just woke up so I couldn’t block her normally." This might sound better if "I just woke up so I couldn’t block her normally." was a separate sentence also if you had said: "I "had just woken up" so I couldn’t block her normally." instead it might sound better.
Just remember to reread and reread and reread your work. Editing is crucial as I have found out the hard way. Also make sure you read things out loud. Some sentences sound a bit clunky so reading them out loud may help you fix that.
Content:
Okay the most important part: the content. This does need a lot of work. Baal has already mentioned your problem with sequencing events (bad dream, pretty face, dead parents then pancakes) so I won't go into that.
"You see my nightmare was something real; it’s one of my memories. It happened 5 years ago, when I was 9. But it just kept repeating over and over when I slept, it’s the only dream I ever dream, when I sleep, since the night it happened. "
This should go directly after Hunter is woken up by her sister. Also I personally would avoid talking to the reader but that might just be me.
"I felt a pang of sadness as I thought of my dead family. As I thought of how the three of them had died so instantly, how my brother had killed our parents and we killed him. As I thought of it I remembered that it didn’t matter that he was my brother. He had tried to call forth Ravages to gather energy so he could become stronger. He had done something to harm the souls of others so in return his was taken away by a Soul Taker."
This I feel is kind of irrelevant at this stage. You've already given us a prologue dictating the events of that night. You haven't really explained anything and just leave the reader confused before jumping to pancakes. You can keep the sadness after the dream but the rest is a bit mmm...
You describe Acythia in detail but don't describe Lydia or even your main character. Why? Are they ugly? Maybe just spend less time on describing Acythia and spread out their descriptions.
Also I have no idea what the setting is like. Where are they? In their old house? Have they been fostered? What about the world? Is it our world or a different one?
These are just some thoughts that I wanted to leave you with. I think if you rework this chapter completely you might be ale to have something. Your prologue for me had a lot of potential and I'd love to see t follow through to the rest of the story.
Silverlock
Ah thank you so much for everything you've said. It means alot to me. I knew this needed alot of work. Though I did switch it to quickly.
Really thank you.
xx
~Neverland.
Hi there,
first off, I would like to invite you to consider the possibility that a title in caps lock does not make the work seem more appealing to readers. Secondly, I would like to applaud your honesty: this does need work. A lot of work. So much work, in fact, that, well… let's just say, while the subway station here might be finished within three years or so, by then you will still not see past the metaphorical paperwork.
Your concept here is not terrible. What I could extrapolate from the horrible, pretend-angsty, soul-less gray-y, info-dump-y mess that is this chapter overall was not terrible. Unfortunately, the not-terribleness of your concept was completely destroyed in execution.
Let us consider your first two paragraphs. The character is having a terrible nightmare, things are so terrible, wow, but wait, no they're not, you're describing a beautiful girl, serenely, but no wait, the character is mourning her parents' death, her brother has done something terrible that involved souls, but screw it, now they're making PANCAKES! PANCAKES! Everything must be right in the world, they're making pancakes!
In other words: slow down. If you want to talk about your character having terrible nightmares, by all means, have her have terrible nightmares. But for the love of anything you hold dear, don't have that scene interrupted by a pretty face, to then immediately be brought back to a terrible event, to then move onto PANCAKES! Your readers (barring a state of euphoric conception of reality brought by mind-altering and at this point quite potent, substances) will have quite a hard time to keep up with the events. If you want to give us a dark start, give us a dark start, but focus on the darkness of the moment. The PANCAKES! can come later. First, give us goosebumps. Give us cold sweat and hot irons in her stomach. Give us what whispers in the dark and give us angry spirits who have come down to inflict punishment through hellfire on this world. That would immediately set the tone of the chapter as very dark and introspective, something I can appreciate. On the other hand, you could start it with a beautiful face upon waking and pancakes with the family, an idyllic and very pleasant opening which could then bring to nightmares, which I can then appreciate. My point is, however, go with one or the other, don't go with both -- if you absolutely must go with both, though, don't transition so rapidly between the two, they'll lose any form of impact they could have potentially had. If, however, you chose to go with one, the nightmares, I still recommend you don't give us everything so suddenly. Tease the readers. Give them a whiff of the good stuff, maybe a morsel, but don't lob half a broiled cow at their faces, they'll choke or possibly die, crushed. I believe I left what little hope I had some three paragraphs above.
That said, and that is a very important that, mind you, you should slow things down further. Apparently, for example, there's magic? I don't understand it really though, because the characters are going about it in such a dismissive and rather forcefully natural manner that leaves me completely in the dark. This may be time-honored tradition for your characters, but it is not for your readers. Remember you're writing for an audience, and should therefore keep in mind that there will be an audience, if not when writing, then at least when editing. Have you edited this? At all? Even read through it? It doesn't seem so.
Slow this whole thing down. Space out the information, give weight to what's relevant, and cut out what is, at the moment, unnecessary, entirely. Chose a tone for this chapter and stick with it, PANCAKES! and horrible nightmares about dead siblings don't mix very well. Select the important concepts you want your readers to understand and make sure they understand them. I, for one, as things are now, haven't understood anything.
Cheers, hope this helped
-Ita
Ah thank you so much for everything you've said. It means alot to me. I knew this needed alot of work. Though if you read my Prologue then it would make sense. Though I did switch it to quickly.
Really thank you.
xx
~Neverland.