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Young Writers Society



The Rule Of The Alien Queen...

by Eros


Chapter 3 : Alien Astrology and Astronomy...

Vibra returned the country. He was welcomed warmly by the citizens of the little county, Loa Loa.

He took a rest for a day. The next day he came to my palace and gave me a written report and showed me the video of the observations.

"I am still in a shock. How did this little globular mass come in the space? How can it grow so much? How is it so hot from inside?" Vibra expressed the questions in front of me.

He continued, "Your Highness, I will have a discussion with Archy, the astrologer and astronomer of our country. I am sure he will give us some clue."

"Yes, Vibra. He is the master of the astrology and great researcher of astronomy too." I said in support of his sentence.

"Please give me permission to leave?" Vibra asked me.

"Permission granted." I said. He stood up and left the palace.

Vibra reached Archy's house. He found the door closed from outside. The house was in a shabby condition and it looked as if it had not been cleaned from about a week or so. He must be in his laboratory...he thought and he headed towards the lab which was situated at a distance of about one and a half Km away from his house.

He knocked the door of the lab. The door opened. He jumped back in fear. He saw the image of Archy standing in the pitch-black darkness. 

"Don't be scared, Vibra. It's me...Archy!" Archy tried to relax frightened Vibra.

"Ahhah!" Viba said with a goofy grin, moving his hand on his smooth head.

Vibra continued, "I didn't recognize you because of your messy appearance... Well..." he gulped within his throat and asked, "Do you always work in such a darkness?"

"Ah, yes. Come inside. I will show you." said Archy.

Vibra stepped inside. His pupil relaxed, slowly adjusting to the dark environment of the lab. He looked around. 3-D models of the celestial bodies were hanging low, in between the room from the ceiling. The only source of light was the bulb inside the models. 

Vibra stood in astonishment. Archy took him to each of the seven spheres and told him about the temperature conditions which would possibly exist in each of them. Then he took Vibra to his working desk. A large paper was lying on it and the markers, plain ruler, rolling ruler, protrator, divider, pointer, eraser, pensils, pens were the things which occupied the remaining space on the table, thus leaving not a single inch of free space on it.

"I guess some other body should be coming up in the space with a temperature so hot that even the rivers would be red hot and boiling, and bubbling." Archy told Vibra.

"Heyy!! Wait!Don't you know about the little mass which grew into a large globular body on which I had been doing research for so many days?" Vibra asked Archy.

"What are you saying!? I am not aware of anything going on in this little country. In fact, I didn't even went home from about a week. I was just drowned in my thoughts." replied Archy.

Vibra took a seat in front of Archy's working table. Archy sat on the chair behind the table. Both had a sip of cold water. 

Vibra said, "The research which I am doing has a strong connection with the research that you are doing." Vibra updated Archy with the happenings in their country and showed the video of his observations inside the globular mass.

"Oh! So you are successful in finding the mass about which I was making prophecy!"

"Hmm..." Vibra nodded.

"Wow! That's great! Will you be able to take me with you the next time you go? Please..." Archy requested.

"Friend, my Drift Disk has space for only one person...But no worries. I will make another one for you and both of us will fly to the blue globe!" Vibra said with excitement.

Within a week Vibra was successful in making another Drift Disk. He had become expert in making them now. 


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88 Reviews


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 9:09 pm
Zee6 wrote a review...



Hey,
so this is a very interesting concept you have here. Aliens watching the earth come to life. It's a really cool idea. They're are some problems with this but nothing to big. So I really didn't see anything wrong grammar wise and your paragraphing is great. You have improved in just those two things from the last two chapter.

So you have gotten a lot better with flow in the chapter but it could be better. I recommend with the dialogue and I know this sounds dumb but read it out loud and almost recite what the characters have to say. Imagine you were one of the characters talking to the other and say what they would say. It gives you a good idea of how a real conversation would be. I do this often, my family thinksoing --
I'm crazy for talking to myself or talking to the mirror but it really works.

So what I think will help your story tremendously would be description. Lots and lots of description. So right now I have really no idea what anyone or anything looks like but the large ball of mass aka the earth. The description on that is fantastic but everywhere else needs work. I would really consider talking about what the aliens look like and the alien queen. I feel like she would look different than the other but I don't. Also tell the reader what Loa Loa looks like because I'm very interested.

Other than what I have pointed out this good. It has great potential and I hope to see you grow as a writer and publish amazing things. So just keep up the good work. I hope you have a great day and I'm going to your next chapters.
-Zee

[ Edit ]




Eros says...


Thank you so much for the review, Zee!!
Well, I have described Loa Loa in the very chapter. And regarding the looks of the aliens they would be described from a different POV...it's there in the next chapters.
Thanks again, my friend!! :D



Zee6 says...


okay, and no problem.



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Reviews: 616

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Sun Jun 26, 2016 3:49 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi I’m here again to give your third chapter a great long review. Oh and if I say anything that is rood in this review please tell me because I don’t mean to be rood at all.

Okay let’s get started with what I like about the chapter.

I like the name of the story I think so fare it soots what I have read so great choices of name it is still really good. :D I like the characters to so fare. I like they have different personalities. And like a have said I know if all of your characters had the same personality's people will just think the story is lame and boring and it is true. So I think you are doing a great job with your story so fare, and I liked it that you intradoses the problem in the first chapter. :) :wink: :wink: So that is all good.

Okay I am now going to start the review.

It is really just the same you need to do more description. Like you can ad smell and feel oh and sound.

So that is all. :D I think it is really good. I hope you will keep on righting great work. I am looking for word to reading more of your of your fantastic work, and your next chapter. Oh and good luck with that by the way. :wink: I hope you have a great day are night.

Oh and happy review day from your new friend Tsunami.




Eros says...


Hmm... thats very true. I should add the sounds, smell and feels. I'll try to edit this soon. Thank you so very much for the review!! Imma glad that you liked this!!





Great I will have a look when it is done and see how much better it is. :D




The world is your oyster. Well, it’s my oyster, but you can have some of it.
— Feltrix