Upstairs in his room, Pachemon lay there on the soft bed, ponderin' upon the humiliating situation which he faced just before leaving the school. He closed his eyes and the images of the burning cigarette flashed in front of his closed eyelids---the thick and graceful eyelids which shut his glittering, big eyes. He suddenly opened his eyes. He couldn't bear the sight of a cigarette for longer time.
In addition. the smell of tobacco still lingered in his nose. For a while he felt like he would vomit out all the Dhoklas which he just ate for snacks. He heaved a deep sigh, and the feeling of hatred again took birth in his heart...I hate them...then why should I join them? I hate them! Just HATE THEM!!
Suddenly he heard Kaity shouting, "Mommy! Big blo is shliping! He ain't shtuding!!"
"Hey, I wasn't sleeping! I was just---thinking!"
"No, you wal shliping! I caught you led hand!"
"Led hand? You mean, red hand? Oh, Kaity! Don't be foolish! I am telling ya, I wasn't sleeping!"
"You liel!", Kaity waved her index finger at him.
Mother came running upstairs when she heard the noise of their quarrel.
"Pachemon, why are scolding your little innocent sister?" asked mother,
"Mommy, big blo is scloding meee!!" Kaity started throwing tantrums and began crying out loud.
"Pache! How ruthless you are! You scolded her so much that she is crying... so much! May I know what was the reason?"
Kaity interrupted, "Mommy, he was shliping! I myshef shaw that! And shee the liel is shaying that he was tinkig!"
"What! Pachemon! You were sleeping and you are telling lies that you were thinking?... I was thinking to resume your violin and basketball...but now, I have changed my mind... " on and on, went the mother screaming at Pachemon and scolding him for not studying and also for scolding Kaity for a futile reason and making her cry.
Kaity!! I HATE you!!...thought Pachemon, because of you, I have to listen to mother's angry and piercing words!! And now, I have to sacrifice with my two beloved crowns for even more longer period of time!!
At every point, he was filled with hatred towards his teachers... towards his classmates... towards his mother... towards his sister and towards... everyone.
After his mother felt enough she stopped scolding and left, saying, "You better start studying, Pache"
"You bettel shtalt shtudying, Pache!" repeated Kaity and sticked out her tongue, and ran away.
Pache was filled with anger. He opened a textbook which was lying by and pretended to be reading.
"Huh!" he uttered.
He resumed thinking, If I join them, I will be saved from one hellish place, but what about the second hell? My home? It is an equal hellish cage! Firstly, debarred from my violin, I am nothing but a skeletal of bones without life! Secondly, my basketball court is a temple! I am not even allowed to go there! And, the most hurting thing---the piercing sword of my mom and Kaity! Well, if I join them---but, they s-smoke and even d-drink! I won't be able to join them! But---what if I do something which would---Oh yeah! That'd be better! I'll---...but it will take a really lot of time! But it's not a big deal for me! Okay then! Let's do this. Neither shall the the plant bamboo flute...
Oh! Whats his plan? Will he join them or will he say a strict no to them? Read to know more...
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137,978 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hello! Ripple here on this thrilling Review Day!
Disclaimer: I have not read the previous two chapters. As such, I am prone to misunderstanding the plot. Please, bear with me.
I don't think you really need the lengthy description of his eyelids. It's just not that important of a detail to focus on.
The words "for snacks" seem a bit redundant.
Your dialogue needs some work. With the way they talk, none of these characters seem believable, especially the mom.
This thought process seems very melodramatic, especially with the double exclamation marks.
This is even more dramatic, and the "plant bamboo flute" seems entirely random.
It has an interesting premise, but it needs a few more revisions. Keep writing!
The "plant bamboo flute" is actually regarding the thought and his plans about the next action. It means, neither there will be the bamboo plant and nor will be the flute (or the flute player).
It is going to be a big blasting and unbelievable ending.
Regarding the dialogues... Kaity is a little sister of Pachemon, nicknamed Pache. She is too small and therefore speaks in this manner. Pache thinks that their mother favours Kaity, and loves her more than him.
Mother believes Kaity because Pache didn't score nice in the last exam, so the mom stays in support with Kaity.
But still...I'll try to edit this as soon as I get some time. Thanks a lot for the review!
Hello, Eros! I'm here to leave a review for your chapter. First off, greetings of the Review Day from us, Team Mystic! A little motto that we have is- With our calm analysis of every situation, we can't lose. Pretty cool, no?
I think you've done a very innovative job with the names too! But, for this particular plot, I would use something more common, names which are often heard. But, then again, it depends on authors. So, yes- keep up the good work. You're really improving and as a friend, I couldn't be prouder. :')
Anyway, it's the first chapter of your this particular novel that I've read and as I can see you've got two previous chapters and this is the last one. Well, you've got interesting plot here. What I've understood so far is- A young boy, slightly depressed over the world is deciding whether to join some gang, which might be awfully bad for him. It's pretty insightful.
I liked the homely environment you've created here, with the change of speech of the little sister, that was different and realistic. The character development is rather brilliant too. You've wrote what you and we too, experience often- and I can see that. It's way too easy to write complicated, tough stuff in an equally complicated way. But, it takes work and clear thinking to put your words in a simple way which never seizes to mesmerize your readers. So, I'm really impressed on what you've done and I would suggest you to keep up the writing style.
I'm rather curious to know what happens afterwards and the psychological process Pachemon is gonna get through next, so do write and publish the next chapters, please!
Oh, haha
Have a great day and stay extraordinary!
~Mialynire!
Oh thank you sooooo much, my dear friend!! I'll surely write the next chapters... and the ending will be a very big UNBELIEVABLE blast!