Pachemon entered the classroom of the college, with his head bowed down, as usual.
"He-hey! Pachemon the coward has arrived!" called out one of boy of a group.
"Pachemon the scaredy cat! He-ho-he-ho, move aside, move aside. Let the Pache-monkey sit on it's patent place!!" shouted another. All the girls smirked.
Trying to ignore their pricking comments, Pachemon walked upto the last bench in the dark corner of the classroom. After puttting his bag with a thud, he tied his shoelace and had a sip of chilled water from his blue water bottle. He sat there all alone with no one to give him a company.
At exactly 8:00 am, Mr. Blues came in. Everyone stood up and greeted him goodmorning.
"Goodmorning, students. Sit down all of you...I gave you an assignment yesterday, didn't I?"
"Yes, sir.", everyone nodded except Pachemon.
"Pachemon. Didn't you do the assignment?" Mr. Blues rapped the big plastic ruler on the wooden desk.
Pachmon stood up with his head hung down.
"Why didn't you do the homework assignment?", Mr.Blues demanded.
"S-sir...my textbook is lost." Pachemon trembled.
"How careless you are, Pachemon! Can't you even take care of your own textbook?"
"Sir, but, but---"
"Just shut up. I don't want to hear any excuse." Mr. Blues' voice rose up.
Everyone turned around and was looking at Pachemon's face which was covered with shame. Perret stuck his tongue out, raised his eyebrows and squinted his eyes to make the funniest possible face.
Pachemon smiled involuntarily.
"Shameless creature! See how he is laughing! I am scolding you. There is not any comedy show going on here. Keep stading on the place.", the loud voice of Mr. Blues echoed in the classroom.
"Sir, that Perret is making a funny face---" Pachemon tried to explain.
"Don't argue, Pachemon. You are compelling me to throw you out of the class." shouted Mr. Blues.
"All of you are good and sincere students.", Mr.Blues said ignoring Pachemon and resumed the history lesson from the topic where they stopped the day before.
After an hour the bell rang. Pachemon sighed. The pain due to standing for so long sent currents up his legs.
"Okay, students. So here the lecture and the chapter, both are over and your homework for tomorrow is to complete the exercise....and Pachemon, be prepared to go out of the classroom if you don't do the homework given today and the one given the day before, by tomorrow. " Mr. Blues scolded Pachemon again.
Everyone nodded and stood up to thank the lecturer. Mr.Blues left the class.
Perret walked upto Pachemon's desk. Pachemon closed his eyes tightly as if preparing himself to sustain the worst possible thing. Perret kept a book on Pachemon's desk.
Pachemon opened his eyes slowly, "Hey! That's my textbook! You stole it from my bag so that I won't be able to do the assignment!"
"Huh!" Perret walked back to his own place flipping the hair which covered his forehead and a litlle portion of his eyes. Pachemon rested his head on the table and tried to relax after the painful first lecture.
God knows what else is to be beared...thought Pachemon.
Miss.Daffodil entered the classroom with the textbook of Physics in her fair hands. She was tall and was a specimen of pearl beauty. Everybody of the classroom admired her and everyone listened to her, and also finished every task given by her.
Miss. Daffodil taught the lesson, Mechanics and left the classroom as soon as the lecture time got over. Before leaving, she gave a little homework.
Likewise, the third proffesor entered. Pachemon gazed at the big digital watch which increased the grace of his slim hand. His anxiety bubbled up in the third lecture. He felt scared and unsecured in this lecture. He could feel his heartbeats thumping loudly out of fear.
This was not because the person who taught in the third period was strict, but because after the end of this period he would have to face a terrible half an hour---the lunch break.
Pachemon wasn't fair, but had innocent looks. Simple lifestyle was his characteristic feature. Neatly trimmed hair, the chocolate-beauty and intelligence was his speciality. But this intlligent fellow has stopped doing the regular assignments and the homework.
The other students weren't simple. Everyone had attitide in various quantities, some with too much and others with a bit less. That was why he couldn't get mixed up with the other boys. Everyone teased him for being simple and for not having any girlfriend. He was bullied. Who knows, maybe this bullying was the reason hat he couldn't concentrate in studies.
The bell rang indicating the end of the third lecture. The teacher or the lecturer as we call it in the senior college left.
Pachemon opened his lunch box. Rachel went near him, snatched his lunchbox and took it to his group of friends. Everyone had lunch from their own boxes and also enjoyed the tasty burger from Pachemon's box.
"Please, give me my box...I am hungry...please give me my lunch back...p-please!" Pachemon begged and begged.
After they stuffed their stomachs with food, the ruthless boys handed Pachemon his empty lunch box.
Pachemon bursted into tears.
"Hehheee!! Hohhooho! Pachemon is a girl! See how 'she' is crying!", Rachel and the group laughed.
They were all of the age of seventeen-eighteen. But they behaved so immaturely. They went on mocking the poor, hungry Pachemon, who didn't want to cry but was compelled to burst out because of the situation. He had experienced ragging.
Pachemon somehow passed the five hours of the college and ran to his home, wiping the tears to hide the whole incident from his family. Perhaps, this wasn't the only day that he was bullied, but this was the everyday scene in the college. Now, the situation was rising above his head and he could no longer tackle these outdoor poblems. His blood was no longer a calm brook, but had now transformed into the burning hot lava errupted from the volcano of ragging.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Heya, Eros. Casanova here to do another review.
Here you do something I haven't noticed in your other works- you manage to describe really good emotion in the characters actions and body language rather than have them say it and it be completely robotic and monotone. I appreciate that in major remarks, so congratulations.
So, I will say this about the character. He doesn't know how to stand up for himself- at least not properly, and I can say that I would like to see him evolve from this. I would like to see him rise about this, and I would like to see him grow a back bone and stand up. Anyway, onward.
The story itself is decent and it seems to be potruding nicely. It's not going too fast and it's not going too slow, which is a decent change of pace from your former pieces, so I appreciate that in big regards as well. Anyway, onward.
Although, the only real critique I have here is the dialogue is a bit stiff and weird, I would suggest talking to actual people and figuring out what a good sounding defense would be, and I would like to see that evolve.
The next thing is your descriptions of the scene. It's better than what I've seen you do before, so that's a plus in high regards as well.
Overall I think that this is a decent storyline so far and I would like to see where it goes. I don't have many critiques here, and I will be following this.
I think that's all, and I hope this helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing.
Sincerely, Casanova
Hey again!
You've really got me interested in this, thank you! ^_^
I liked the starting you've got, it's sudden, initiating from a certain place and is interactive. But, in this chapter, I have got some suggestion on your leading character Pachemon. What I understand so far is-
1. He is greatly bullied.
2. Also, misunderstood.
3. Rather clumsy.
I know being bullied is totally not his fault and that's the most cruel thing that can ever happen to someone. But, I would suggest you make Pache a boy with more touch of sophisticated personality. That would make a new difference. Make him interact with himself more. Because, I can say this from experience, folks like Pache are more insightful and have got a fine, frequent communication with their inner world more than many others. Show it in your writing, and Pache will be appreciated more.
Also, if he's going to college, he's a little more older, isn't he? Then again why should he sound so childish? It's okay that he does. I'm way to kiddish for my age, too! But, you see, each character has a tendency, a way of behaving. And, people like Pachemon, no matter how fragile they may seem, they are strong beings. And, I would show that in my work- because I would very much want characters like that to be appreciated.
Here, "Please, give me my box...I am hungry...please give me my lunch back...p-please!" Pachemon begged and begged.."
I don't think an introvert like Pache would bother to beg? :/ Plus, in this frame, why college-going students are acting so naively? Not saying, bullying doesn't happen in colleges. It does. But, in a different level. Not with tiffin, at least that's what I think. Here, people are wrapped up in relationships, looks etc. So, you could change the plot, just a little and amke all these happening in school or create more appropriate issues. Because, even if some people don't grow up much and live in their own little world, the world doesn't stay paused for them, it goes on.
Hope I helped! Good luck with every good work you do!
~Mialynire.
Oh, Thank you so much Nire!
Loved this review, from my heart! Hmm... you are right abot the age and the tiffin thing. I think I should better change it, and I'll do this soon. 
Hello Eros! This review is brought to you by Eternity.
I must say, I really like you've tackled a common situation. However, there is a downside to taking on common things. It's very common to write about things that you see everyday, and it's repetitive. If I may suggest, try adding your own twist to this bullying situation, and not the stereotypical one. It'll add to your story.
However, I do really like the unique names and description. It's well written and very easy to read. Here's my few suggestions just to try and help:
After they stuffed their stomachs with his food, the ruthless boys handed Pachemon his empty lunch box.
Since they're older, you want to use bigger, descriptive words.
Also, any numbers within a range of 1-100 should be spelled out. It's just a rule I learned in class. So 17-18 should be seventeen to eighteen.
And my final thing, immaturedly should be immaturely
That's all from me. I hope you have a good day and I helped a little! I hope to read more. Bye, bye.
Hmm...I am planning to add more incidents full of bullying, but in the next chapters. The ending is going to be a big blast and beyond imagination. And...the editing has been done now. Thank you so very much, Eternity! Hope you enjoy the upcoming parts too.
Hello, Eros!
Desdemona here to drop a review
Well hmm. This is only your first chapter so I will not say much about your plot as that remains to be uncovered. However, I will speak at length about your grammar and word choices, which need improvement.
"Pachemon the cowardice" (btw I love the exotic, unusual names.)
Cowardice is a feeling. You can't use it to describe someone. If you want to use it, use the adjective form, coward. This would be "Pachemon the coward."
Also, you said "patent place" What does that mean, exactly?
And, girls do not smile in their cheeks. Maybe you tried to say they secretly smiled, which would be like smirking, or that they had big smiles. Whatever you meant, smiling in one's cheek doesn't exist.
You also cannot keep a bag with a thud. If you kept it, it wouldn't make any noise. You can put it down with a thud.
Lecture time cannot 'get over" but it can "be over"
Also, do not use would when you're talking about things that already happen. Would refers to stuff you want to do if you have opportunities to do it. You can just use simple past tense instead.
Also, you switch from past tense to present tense frequently. Don't do that. Keep your entire story in past tense.
When you introduce a sentence starting with a name, don't start the following sentence with the same name, Use pronouns like he or she instead.
You don't mock at somebody, you just mock them.
Anyways, that is all I have to say. Please read up extra on grammar rules and dictionaries, and you can be a really good writer! You already have lots of passion.
Keep writing!
~Mona
Also, while it is good imagery, faces cannot be smeared in shame, they can be covered in it.
It isn't "unvoluntary" but it is "involuntary"
Also, Perret cannot keep Pachemon's book if Pachemon already had it. He can take it, but not keep it. To keep means for something you already had to STAY with you.
Thank you so much, Mona! The grammar has been edited now.
The bad boys are calling the place to be "patent" because the last bench in the corner was like an obvious place for a bullied guy like Pachemon.
Thank you onc again and I hope you enjoy the upcoming parts too.