Pachemon reached his home. His mother opened the door. Pachemon went upstairs to his room without uttering a single word. He threw the bag on the floor, removed the college uniform, slipped in his daily wears and jumped up on the bed. He lay there trying to relax his grieved heart and tired body.
"Pachemon! Come down fast!!" shouted his mother.
Oh my god! Mother seems angry! What might have happened? Has Kaity told her anything about me?...Pachemon thought as he made a rush down the staircase. His leg slipped in the hurry and he tumbled down the twelve stairs.
"Ahh! My legg and m-y b-ac-k!" he uttered.
Rubbing his back and trotting slowly he went in the bedroom where his mother was waiting for him in a very angry mood.
"What is this, Pache? You got only 4 marks out of 15 in your college test paper! What do you think of yourself? If you go on like this, you will be failed in your first semister. You will remain jobless...and you are mature enough to manage your studies..." she went on.
Kaity, his younger sister was watching the scolding session from behind the curtain which veiled the entrance door of the bedroom.
"You will go upstairs now and start studying. No violin and no basketball. Understand?" roared his mother.
Pachemon looked at the floor trying to hold back tears... Mom... You just don't understand, what has made this dull... you-j-just... He quietly got up and left politely.
What might have happened to him? He was the topper of the college last year...I'll have to talk to him rather than shouting at him... his mother thought when Pache left the room.
In his room, he first opened the medicine box and sprayed the medicine on his back and leg. He was strong from inside. By glancing at his slim brown body, nobody would say he was strong. He opened the history textbook. He ran his palms from his neatly trimmed black hair disturbing their setting. Pache started staring at the letters there. Physically he was reading the book, but mentally he was lost somewhere.
My mom doesn't understand me. Nor do any of my classmates. Classmates? Uh! What kinda class-"mates"...Nobody understands me. I hate Rachel, I hate EVERYONE!! he thought.
The next day he again went to school.
"Pachemon, did you complete the homework?" asked Mr. Blues.
Oh no! I quite forgot about the homework!! Over... DEAD! he thought as he stood up.
"Get out of the class, Pache!" he heard Mr.Blues shouting.
"Sorry, sir..."
"No sorry and no excuse."
Pache left the class with his head hung down.
After the completion of the period, he entered the class.
Somebody threw a chalkpiece on his head.
"Ah!" escaped his lips, but he tried to ignore. He was again hit by another piece of chalk, this time on his cheeks. He still kept calm and ignored everything.
He somehow spent the whole day at the college and with his heavy heart, he began walking through the college premises so as to go out of the hellish place and then back to his home.
Just before the exit gate, Perret, Loyyi, Kayyappa, Cinachida and their leader Mojiyu made a circle around Pachemon.
"Hey, Pache! Join us." said the tall boy, Cinachida as he took out a lighter from the pocket of his black lower jeans. He pinched a few scattered hair on his brown cheeks and then removed a cigarette, and lit it.
"Is this a request or a threat?" said Pache.
Kayyappa took out the tobacco wrapped in the little plastic which looked so dirty and smelled awful. Rubbing the tobacco between his fat fingers, the short figure said, "Take it whatever way you want..."
"No, I won't join you.", said Pachemon.
Loyyi moved close towards Cinachida, who then passed on the burning cigarette to Loyyi.
"If you don't join us, we will continue to trouble you.", warned Loyyi, in his usual broad pitched voice.
Pache looked down at the ground with a frown.
Perret whispered in Mojiyu's ears, "Boss, he is thinking! I am sure he will join us." Mojiyu striked Perret's head, angrily. The rapid speed of the strike passed currents of pain through Perret's body, but he kept shut.
"Take a day's time. Join us and you won't be troubled again.", said Mojiyu,
Pache left the place hurriedly and the group carried on with their drainaged habbits.
Will Pache join them? Read to know more!
End of chapter
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138,049 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Heya, Eros! Casanova here to do another review from you.
So, in this situation its major peer pressure, and I could see why Pache would want to join them. Although, I will say, their attitude last chapter didn't see as if they would let Pache join them in any sense, so that did bug me a bit. Anyway, onward.
One of the things I liked about this was Pache's ability to keep his head down and move on throughout everything, and that's a task that's hard to do. Anyway, onward.
The flow of the chapter didn't really seem natural to me, anyway. You move from imprtant detail to important detail without anything minor in between, and for me that's a draw back. I would like to see important and nonimportant details together twined as one, but again that's competely up to you. It's something I would prefer, but not something you absolutely have to do, per say. Anyway, onward.
The next thing is you don't really describe much in this one and I think you should, this would be a perfect scene for body language since Pache doesn't exactly talk much.
Another thing is you don't have to add the bold A/N's, let the reader figure itout himself.
The last thing is the dialogue, which is stiff still and I wuld like to see evolve.
Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped/
keep on doing what you're doing.
Sincerely, Casanova
Good evening, Eros. AnarchyWolf here to review this second chapter.
You've written Pachemon very well. You have a knack for writing characters, I feel. You've gotten his mind and his emotions, and captured his character, just right. The reader does feel an awful lot of sympathy for him, but we can also understand where the mother is coming from. I'll apologize now for not having read the first chapter, or any prologues, so I'm purely going on what I can read now.
Some small-ish nitpicks here:
Spoiler
"Pachemon! Come down fast!"
I think that 'fast' could be changed for 'quickly' here, to make it more natural.
Has Kaity told her anything about me...?
You will go upstairs now and start studying! No violin, and no basketball! Understand?!" roared his mother.
The 'roared' without any exclamation marks seemed a little off. They help to capture her anger.
"Is this a request of a threat?" asked Pachemon
You should stick to one name only when writing him. It's fine to have other characters call him nicknames, but you, as the writer, should only call him either Pache, or Pachemon.
"Take it whichever way you want..."
"No, I won't join you,"
"No, I won't join you."
"If you don't join us, we'll continue to trouble you."
Did you mean deranged habits?
Your style of narrative is kind of disjointed, especially in the first paragraph. It's very list-like. You kind of just list out what Pachemon does, and you do it without much emotion. I think you should consider linking these smaller sentences together and using more emotive language to sympathize with Pachemon even more than we do already. It'll also make the narrative a lot more interesting to read.
It's unclear which character is your POV - Point of View - character. I suggest that it would be Pachemon, because he seems to be the main focus of the story. Having him as the POV character means that we, the reader, can only know what he knows. We shouldn't have the mother's thought, or know that Kaity's hiding, unless Pachemon sees her hiding there. We should only have guesses into the emotions and minds of others - Pachemon's thoughts should be the only ones we know for sure.
One minor thing - where is this set? The names aren't your typical American (or British!) names. I think Pachemon is a really cool and unique name, and it's part of the reason why I love him as a character so much, but having a whole bully gang with a load of strange names is a little off-putting. If it's set in a different place, I suggest that it's made more apparent.
Aside from these improvements, this is a great chapter that I really enjoyed reading. I especially like Pachemon, and I'd love to read more.
-AnarchyWolf
Actually the names are created just like that, haha! They are niether American nor Indian and also they don't sound like from anywhere in the world.
And, yaay! Thanks for the suggestions! I'll soon do the editing. Actually the college work is increasing too fast...because of the Semister patterrn. Thanks a lot for such a lovely review!
Hello again!
Mialynire again!
So, o_o now, I know which group Pache was thinking about. And, I can totally commune as well. I totally get the emotional state of Pache right at that moment and I understand the dilemma. Life can be hard sometimes, no?
Your character development is pretty brilliant, so I'll no further talk about that. Mother sounds really motherly (Hope you understand what I'm saying- with all her illogical ways :/) and the little sister is quite perfectly performing her work too. And, in Pachemon, you've let us explore the mind of a young teen, struggling to hang on, has got trouble deciding whether they should or not abandon the goodness and join the evil- which for the moment, seems necessary. Good work, totally!
But, I think if you can improve on something, is the conversing style. Make it more real- yes, it already is, but, okay- an example:
I would use, "Mom... you just don't understand what is causing all this, what has made me this dull, why I can't find interest anymore... You-just-don't..."
What I'm trying to say is, retouch this, with emotions. Because, he's already in a vulnerable emotional state, so he can't possibly talk so naturally, he'd stumble, he'd stammer- hope you get what I'm trying to say!
And, that's it for now, I guess!
~Mialynire!
Heya!! Nice to see you again! I adore your reviews. Thanks for this loely review!
And, yaay...I'll try to make this more colourful and add more emotions to it as soon as I get time from this busy busy schedule of college and tuitions.
Thanks again for the review!