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Young Writers Society



Coping up ... Together. Chapter 5: Budding Love...

by Eros


Chapter 5 : Budding Love...

Tamao stood there, surrounded by clothes, eyes as wide as an owl's. He was gaping open mouthed at the blood gushing out of the 5 cm long cut on her smooth fair legs. 

Michiko was sitting on the bed, leaning forward, with thighs close to her chest, and knees exposed. 

Tears were rolling down ceaselessly from her blue eyes, like a brook. The water made her cheeks wet and sticky. The tears trickled down her chin and finally drenched her shirt. Her chin was quivering and so were her lips. 

Without making any delay, Tamao made a way through the clothes and sprang up on the bed, right beside her. There was no time in searching for first aid, so he removed a handkerchief from the pocket of his long coat and immediately tied it over the cut. He pressed the handkerchief tightly in an attempt to stop the bleeding. 

Michiko's tear showed no signs to stop. Tamao removed his soft muffler and wiped her cheeks and eyes dry. 

With one hand rubbing over Michiko's back, Tamao said,

"It's okay, Michiko... It's fine... Don't get scared of Rattoo... Now I will never let him come back... You trust me?" Tamao took the blade from her hands, and she didn't even realise it.

Michiko nodded to say yes, breathing heavily, sobbing. She put the collar of her shirt in her mouth and tugged at it between her teeth.

With his brown coloured, index finger and thumb, he removed the cloth that she was chewing, very carefully and slowly. It took ten minutes for her heartbeats and breath to return to normal. 

"Okay. Michiko? Where do you keep the first aid box?"

"F--first aid?"

"Yes, first aid box?"

"In the--in the drawer" she pointed towards the cream colored plywood desk in front of the window. Tamao took the first aid box out of the drawer and went near her.

While he was unwrapping the blood soaked handkerchief slowly, Tamao spotted a pink radio that was lying right beside her bed. It was shaped like a cat. He pointed towards it and asked her,

"Is this sweet little radio working?"

"Yes." She looked at the radio kept on the table beside her. She turned to Tamao, while still looking at the radio and said, "Why?"

"So let me," he leaned closer to the radio, "Turn it on."

He pressed the button of the radio and luckily a happy song full of energizing beats started on the radio.

Because of the happy song, the effect of gravity of sadness that was pulling her into sadness lessened. 

"What a deep cut!" Tamao thought, as he carefully removed the handkerchief and dropped it on the floor. With a cotton, he softly dabbed away the wet drop of blood and cleaned the dried blood too. He applied generous amount of ointment on it and covered it with a bandage.

Michiko was looking at him while he was treating the cut with love and affection. 

Tamao looked at her and smiled. Michiko blinked and smiled back at him. She wasn't looking happy, so he kissed her on her forehead to make her feel good. Michiko's head went blank at the kiss as nobody had ever kissed her before.

Tamao glanced at the watch. It was 7:58 pm. He went to the kitchen and reheated the stew noodles that she had prepared in the evening for dinner. He took two bowls for both of them and went back towards her.

Michiko was not willing to eat it. Tamao was stubborn since childhood and any how he wanted to make her eat the noodles that smelled delicious. 

"If you don't eat it, I won't either." He pushed the steamy bowl aside. Michiko started to form bonds with Tamao, unknowingly. 

Tamao's stomach growled in hunger and Michiko burst into light laughter. Tamao smiled and took the bowl and fed her the first bite of noodles and she took the bowl from his hands and started eating.

Tamao started eating too. He told her a few jokes and diverted her mind from the incident. She talked and laughed with him. The walls of her home enlightened with the happiness, that had been always gloomy since her dad passed away.

It was getting cold. He made her go to sleep and pulled a blanket over her attractive body.

Tamao then folded all the clothes and kept them in the cupboard. He washed the handkerchief. It was a struggle for him to remove the blood stains. He hung the handkerchief to let it air dry.

Then he turned the lights off and turned on the table lamp. The dim light of the table lamp was falling softly on Michiko's face. The shadow of her eyelashes and the golden glow on her face made her look so beautiful that it melted Tamao's heart instantly. 

"Such a beautiful girl... Suffering from such an emotional turmoil" Tamao sighed.

He kept gazing at her closed eyes for ten minutes, twenty seconds. He looked at her cheek bones, her silky eye brows, the black soft hair that covered her forehead and then at her velvety lips. He went closer to her and kissed her forehead once again. He then dozed off to sleep.

The next morning, Michiko woke up feeling relaxed. She looked beside her to find Tamao missing. She stepped out of the bed and went to search Tamao. She heard Tamao sing in the kitchen. She peeped in and saw he was making coffee for both of them. She freshened up and both of them drank the coffee talking merrily. It was Sunday so there was no rush for getting ready and going to school. Tamao took the dried handkerchief and kept it in his pocket. He suddenly felt Michiko's soft body hugging him from behind.

"You are going back?" Michiko asked in a sad tone.

"Yes, dear. I have too."

"Please don't go"

"No babe, I need to go. My parents would be worrying." Tamao looked at her.

For once their eyes met and for five minutes three seconds they maintained the link of eye contact. His brown eyes, matching his skin colour were lost in her blue lake like eyes.

She nodded.

"I'll come back in the afternoon perhaps. My house is not far from here. Take care, Michie. Don't be scared. If you feel afraid don't hesitate to call me, take my phone number."

She noted his phone number and he left. 


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Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:28 am
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Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Eros. Casanova here to do a review for you.

The first thing I have to say is that through most of this they have just seemed like friends, and I think the forehead kissing signifies this. It's a comfortablity thing, and shows caring, but not lust. It means protection. But in no way does it signify a relationship-

And although he's been pretty lowkey about everything, he goes bold and forward in this one, and calls her dear and babe. In my opinion this was well out of place- not only for his personality, but also story wise, and very much so i think it was the wrong thing to do for her.

Anyway I honestly think that this chapter went by a little too fast. This chapter would have been the best option to show how they react to one another when they're alone together and something cray isn't happening. Show how they talk to one another, show hey they react, show anything other than what happens when something crazy goes on. I would like to see that, but in all means that's completely up to you and you don't have to listen to me.

On another note the dialogue isn't too bad in this one, and I think that's a plus.

Anyway, overall I think you have a really good story idea and I Would like to see where this goes. That's all I have, and I hope this helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing.

Sincerely, Casanova




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Sun Aug 26, 2018 12:26 pm
TheWeirdoFromBeyond wrote a review...



This is Weirdo, here for a review. Please know that nothing in this review is meant to offend you or your story. This is just my opinion, you and other readers and reviewers could disagree. That being said, let us get into this review.

Grammar/Typos/Word check/Spell check/Sentence formation

Tamao stood there, surrounded by clothes, eyes as wide as an owl's. He was gaping open mouthed at the blood gushing out of the 5 cm long cut on her smooth fair legs.


*open-mouthed

Also, 5 cm is an accurate measurement, which Tamao couldn't have known just by looking, Maybe say it was about 5 cm long.

Without making any delay, Tamao made a way through the clothes and sprang up on the bed, right beside her. There was no time in searching for first aid, so he removed a handkerchief from the pocket of his long coat and immediately tied it over the cut. He pressed the handkerchief tightly in an attempt to stop the bleeding.


Is this sanitary? I'm not sure. Maybe research this.

With one hand rubbing over Michiko's back, Tamao said,

"It's okay, Michiko... It's fine... Don't get scared of Rattoo... Now I will never let him come back... You trust me?"Tamao took the blade from her hands, and she didn't even realise it.


Condense this into one paragraph, like this-

With one hand rubbing over Michiko's back, Tamao said,"It's okay, Michiko... It's fine... Don't get scared of Rattoo... Now I will never let him come back... You trust me?"Tamao took the blade from her hands, and she didn't even realise it.


"In the--in the drawer" she pointed towards the cream colored plywood desk in front of the window. Tamao took the first aid box out of the drawer and went near her.


*cream-coloured

While he was unwrapping the blood soaked handkerchief slowly, Tamao spotted a pink radio that was lying right beside her bed. It was shaped like a cat. He pointed towards it and asked her,

"Is this sweet little radio working?"


*blood-sucking

Condense this also in one paragraph-

While he was unwrapping the blood soaked handkerchief slowly, Tamao spotted a pink radio that was lying right beside her bed. It was shaped like a cat. He pointed towards it and asked her,"Is this sweet little radio working?"


"So let me," he leaned closer to the radio, "Turn it on."


add the words 'then he continued, "Turn..." after the comma after radio.

He pressed the button of the radio and luckily a happy song full of energizing beats started on the radio.


*luckily,
"What a deep cut!" Tamao thought, as he carefully removed the handkerchief and dropped it on the floor. With a cotton, he softly dabbed away the wet drop of blood and cleaned the dried blood too. He applied generous amount of ointment on it and covered it with a bandage.


*a generous
Tamao was stubborn since childhood and any how he wanted to make her eat the noodles that smelled delicious.

*anyhow

He kept gazing at her closed eyes for ten minutes, twenty seconds. He looked at her cheek bones, her silky eye brows, the black soft hair that covered her forehead and then at her velvety lips. He went closer to her and kissed her forehead once again. He then dozed off to sleep.

*cheekbones
*eyebrows
This is an accurate time, which Tamao could not have known, and you are writing from his POV. And it also seems like a long time to stare at someone.

For once their eyes met and for five minutes three seconds they maintained the link of eye contact. His brown eyes, matching his skin colour were lost in her blue lake like eyes.

Again, accuate time.


Plot
A couple of things.
First, what about Michiko's living situation. She is a minor, and after her dad's death, there had to be a relative that took care of her. Or the government would have to assign her a guardian, or something like that, how is she allowed to just live on her own?

Second, why doesn't Tamao run away when he realizes Michiko is imaging things? Though that's mean, it is the normal reaction anyone would have. I also don't feel a connection to any of the characters as a reader. Maybe it is cause Tamao is perfect and there isn't much of a backstory he has. Sometimes, flaws make characters stand out and make them believable.

Third, Tamao and Michiko's relationship is progressing, but we don't know how Tamao feels about that. He gave her his phone number, and also called her babe, but we don't know how he feels towards it. Was he unsure at first, but then when Michiko didn't make a big deal out of this, he felt surer? Something else?

Hope this helps, and looking foward to more.
-Weirdo




Eros says...


Thank you so much! I will improve on this character developing thing ..





That's great. You can always PM me if you have questions or need help. I'm still a newbie but I might be able to help you in some way at least :D



Eros says...


Yeah! I will!



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Sat Aug 18, 2018 6:05 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello!! Here to bring this out of the green room for you!

I haven't read the other chapters, and I'm guessing this is a first draft, so I'm going to be focusing on big-picture things that I noticed in this chapter and you might be able to apply to other chapters.

I could tell you were going for emotion in this chapter - with the girl crying so much over the cut and the guy being so gentle and kind helping her, and then they shared the sweet moments eating/sleeping/leaving. But, the whole thing felt a little melodramatic to me and a little unrealistic. Crying so hard the tears fell to her shirt and made her shirt wet? I see that idea a lot in fiction stories, and I've had my fair share of good, hard cries and I've never gotten my shirt wet from a cry session :p And I think since we went from one big emotion to the next, none of them really felt real. It felt more melodramatic.

The other big-picture thought I had while reading this chapter was that I wasn't sure where the plot was going. Things happened - he helped her with the cut, they ate dinner, they went to sleep, they woke up and he left. How is the plot moving forward? If you think about the overarching plot of the novel, why is this chapter and this scene essential to the main plot line? To me it feels like a string of events rather than moving the plot forward.

I love, love, love romance novels. I read lots of them and I write them and I've read a lot about how to write them effectively. This feels like a romance novel to me. I won't spend a ton of time here talking about the construction of a romance plot, but if you'd like more info on that or more info on how to make sure each scene is moving the plot forward, feel free to PM me and we can talk about it!

Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




Eros says...


Thanks for the review!



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Mon Jul 30, 2018 7:33 pm
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Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there Eros.

It’s been awhile since I’ve reviewed any of your stuff but it’s bad to see that all the same things that I used to complain about, are still sticking around.

The main thing that bothers me, is how you always use ellipses, as if they are the only form of punctuation that exists. I’m not sure where you learned to end and start every sentence with ellipses, but you really do need to work on eliminating those from your writing structure.
There’s a lot of good ways to use ellipses but right now, it keeps adding a bad effect and when you add too many, it just drags along.
I don't know how to convince you to switch away from ellipses because you really don't want to use them, but obviously you're very committed to them. So I could have had an entire lecture about why not to use ellipses but I doubt that's going to convince you.

Then another issue is that there will just be random lines of bolded language but this doesn't really mean anything to me, and then it doesn't make any sense to me either. Maybe you wanted to add some emphasis to the matter but those certainly weren't lines that were deserving of the emphasis, because I didn't notice them either way.
So while you're in the process of removing the ellipses, please remove all the bold from the premises of this story.

Tamao stood there, surrounded by clothes, eyes as wide as an owl's. He was gaping open mouthed at the blood gushing out of the 5 cm long cut on her smooth fair legs.
Michiko was sitting on the bed, leaning forward, with thighs close to her chest, and knees exposed.


I’m not always sure what the writers intended effect is. That’s just something that reviewers will always have to accept, even if they don’t want to be doing so immediately.

In the current case, I’m wondering how sexual you meant this scene to be. I can assume that it was meant to be slightly sexual, all things considered, since this was classified as a romance story. Then there's also a lot about this being sexual, that makes the whole thing feel rather inappropriate to me, as the standard reader.
Perhaps the one character could ogle the other character, but still there's a time and place for everything. Ogling the other main character while she's bleeding out, does not seem like the proper time and place.

After this point, it reaches a point lacking in coherency.
This story never made very much sense to me and you obviously wrote it with a specific target audience in mind, meaning not anything I would standardly read. I really don't feel like reviewing the rest of it and my commentary is probably not what you're looking for anyways.

If you want some in depth novel review, I have a commissions thread for that.
So have a nice day.
Good luck with your novel.
- lizz




Eros says...


Actually Tamao wasn't into violence and the whole thing that he saw, Michiko's cut bleeding and the cut was made by herself. And it wasn't meant to be sexual. He only looked at her lips, but kissed her forehead.

Yeah, I removed the bold and the eclipses. Thanks a lot. I really don't know how but i developed a sort of habit of "..."



Eros says...


*ellipses




¯\_(ツ)_/¯
— Someone Incredibly Noncommittal