"Yes, Michiko," Tamao answered, turning around to look at her.
"I ... I wanted to thank you..."
"Thank me, for what?" Tamao asked, baffled.
"Today, you went and called the teacher to stop the violence that was increasing rapidly."
"Oh ...that was just out of---"
"Out of?"
Tamao didn't want to say the truth that it was out of care, so he tried to distract her attention and divert it to something else...
"Hey, you have got a wound there... Just above your eyebrows---" Tamao pointed at her forehead.
She tried to trace the cut with her fingers.
"Oops. I didn't notice it" She smiled forcefully, her lips quivering, making her seem meek, humble and weak.
"Doesn't it hurt!?" Tamao was surprised.
"I am used t-- oh man! I am getting late"...
Tamao frowned lightly with the thought, "Perhaps she wanted to say she is used to it."
"So am I! Meet you tomorrow..."
"Yeah... Goodbye."
"Bye."
Both of them left the classroom and went to their respective homes.
The next day, both of them reached the school at the same time.
Tamao initiated the conversation...
"Hey, Michiko"
"Hi, Tamao!" Michiko's voice was quite rude. Profound anger could be seen distinctly in her eyes.
"Oh dear, why did you leave the wound open that way? You didn't let your mom dress up the wound or what?" Tamao joked lightly in a hope to melt her anger down.
"I... Don't have my mother. My mother died while giving birth to me. And my dad passed away last year due to alcohol abuse."
"Oh Gosh. That must be so difficult!" Tamao asked, grief stricken.
"Not much." Michiko's habit to be stoic and Tamao's eyes reading the truth hidden behind her slightly moist eyes.
"How do you manage your expenses?" Tamao asked out of curiosity.
"Dad's pension."
Both remained silent. They climbed the staircase and reached their classroom.
Michiko slammed the door agressively. Tamao was taken aback at her behaviour.
"How can such a sweet girl, so quiet just yesterday be so agressive today?" Tamao wondered as he followed her.
The teacher entered the class and began teaching about nucleae chemistry. But there was yet a different chemistry going on inside Michiko.
First three lectures got over and lunch break started. Someone from behind threw a chalk on her. It hit her head and fell on her bench, right beside her. She picked it up and closed her eyes trying to calm herself down. She felt an urgent need to remove the anger out. She used the energy to break the chalk and tried to relax herself. Lunch break got over and so did the next four classes.
Tamao noticed the struggle of Michiko trying to control her anger. He praised her in her heart about the way she was hiding it all successfully. Tamao felt there is something wrong in her otherwise why would she struggle with feelings that way. Slowly he started making friends with her.
"Would you mind sitting next to me from tomorrow?" Tamao asked, stretching a hand of hand of friendship.
"No, thanks. I don't want to put you in trouble. You know the people of the class? They'll start teasing me or you and spread rumours that we have crush on each other..."
"Nobody dares to do this with me, and if you are with me, nobody would dare to say anything to you either." Tamao assured her.
"I don't want to be in your debt."
"There's no debt in friendship." Tamao made her feel comfortable.
"Fine. I will sit with you..."
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Heya Eros, Casanova here to do a review for you. First thing I thought of was this right here-
I don't see anyone actually talking like this, it seems way too formal and rigid for students. I'd imagine they'd just say it would get worse or something of the sort, not that it was 'increasing rapidly." That just seems too far of a stretch for any do and purposes. Anyway, onward.
The next thing is character development. Tamao went from following this girl in secret, helping her in secret, and never talking to anyone to being forward and talking? It seems too far of a stretch for a kid to just randomly get up and do that, especially since he barely talked to her the day before. I would suggest easing into that instead of just going out and doing it right off the bat, if that makes any sense.
Also, her anger would be another thing I would like to see described, instead of just being left to lie there without any example or solution or insight as to what her anger is directed at.
Anyway you don't have to take my advice, but that's all I have on this one, and I hope this has helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing.
Sincerely, Casanova
Hey, me again.
This one needs some work too, same as before. I'm not going to go over the specifics again because I already did that once and I think someone else will probably do so as well. Sometimes it's something as simple as simplifying what you say, sometimes it's verb tense, sometimes it's just awkward sentences. Here, let me show you what I mean.
"Tamao answered, turning around to look at her."
So right now that sentence takes two actions to do. Can you think of a verb that would only take one word to do both actions? He's answering her and turning around to look at her. I'm not worried about the answering thing, that's fine. It tags who is saying it and I like that. The thing I'm worried about is "turning around to look at her" because there's a verb that covers both of that in that sentence. So, if you turn around, are you guaranteed to look at someone? No. But if you look at someone behind you, are you guaranteed to be turning around? Yes.
In reality this sentence would be more concise if it just said "Tamao answered, looking at her" or "checking her uniform" or "meeting her eyes" or if you want to improve emotional content "searching for the bandage he expected to find."
You can be more concise, and just say "looking" rather than turning and looking, or you can make it an action that matters.
Have Tamao looking and doing things as he moves around, that will create more emotion in the story. If you have a reason for him moving with the movement, you can get into more mental thoughts and feelings which will help connect the reader to Tamao's point of view.
"Both remained silent. They climbed the staircase and reached their classroom."
This has a huge opportunity here that is completely dismissed. Instead of trying to rush them into the classroom and get done with the day, go into what Tamao is thinking, go into him waffling about walking beside her, or behind her, or if they were actually walking together or not, or if they were nervously glancing each other's way, the little things matter!
The more active you make a scene, the more it will be of value to the reader as they get to giggle at all the little budding friendship things, or see if Tamao feels specially for her.
Yeah ... You are right about the silent and the staircase thing ...and about all the other suggestions... I loved the review... Thanks a lot !!
This is Weirdo, here for a review. Please know that nothing in this review is meant to offend you or your story. This is just my opinion, you and other readers and reviewers could disagree. That being said, let us get into this review.
Grammar/Typos/Word check/Spell check/Sentence formation
*grief-stricken
*aggressively
*aggressive
*
herself*his
*
of hand*a crush
*either,"
Also, here I want to point out that it seems weird he would say this. He hardly talked, right? So I'm guessing there wasn't much to spread about him. And if he hardly talked then how was he so sure there was no rumour about him? I mostly know about rumours about me when my friends tell me what they hear going on around different classes.
For all he knew, the fact that he follows Michiko and has a crush on her was already known by a lot of people.
What else?
It seems like Michiko is a damsel in distress and Tamao is this superhero that is here to save her. That is a very typical storyline. Give more about Michiko, everyone likes a strong, independent girl.
Hope this review helped.
-Weirdo
Yes ... That crush and the rumour part needs a little more thinking lol. That is not sounding so realistic right now ...it would be better to change it and improve it... Thanks a lot ! Your review was very helpful.