It was the last period of the school and the teacher was absent. There was chaos in the class.
Surrounded by a few bullies, a tall slender girl was struggling to get out of the circle, searching for a way to escape the ragging that she was facing. Three girls and two boys were encircling her in front of the classroom, holding their hands tightly into each other's, so that it becomes impossible for her to find a way out.
The other classmates were busy playing chit-games and truth and dare while some were enjoying the live show, except for a silent boy who was looking at the girl being bullied, from the corner of his eyes, hiding his face in a book. His eyes, brick red in anger, were partially covered under the thick layer of black hair.
He was the topper of the class, a champion in football and the rockstar of college, famous for the wide range of instruments he mastered at, be it flute or guitar, violin or drums and piano.
He did not have many friends as there were many competitors and ordinary boys jealous of him. He preferred to sit quietly, lost in his own world of books, hardly talking anyone.
Tamao was his name. He good at everything. However, there was one thing he was extremely weak at. Fighting. Fighting verbally or physically was not in his blood. He believed in peace and treaty.
Now, for making treaty and peace between the bullies and the girl who was the victim, only one way left was the teacher.
"Hey, Michiko! We will let you go if you take this notebook and finish the assignment for us," Gian shouted at the girl, in his deep, hoarse voice.
Sunio who was shorter than Gian, snatched the notebook from his hands and threw it on her face. The corner of the book hit her forehead, just above her eye. There was a scratch and within no time the scratch started to bleed. The notebook fell down with a thud.
The moment Tamao saw the violence growing, he got up and left the classroom in a hurry. He immediately called a proxy teacher. When the teacher entered the classroom, Gian and Sunio along with the three girls, Frenzy, Ichiro and Neriko took their respective seats.
Michiko did not utter a single word. A knot of tears formed in her throat, choking her breath but she acted like she was unaffected by the ragging. Her legs were shaking under the table and Tamao observed it from the last bench. The last bench in the left corner near the window, was his place. He loved the place as he could keep a watch on everyone in the class from that seat.
Trying to control her tears from oozing out of her eyes lead Michiko to another trouble, of hiding the runny nose that was a result of excess of water that was unable to find its way through her deep blue eyes. Everything was being watched by the young boy who was sixteen and had a little dark in complexion. Michiko was quite opposite in complexion to Tamao, as she was the fairest girl in the classroom. Her pink lips were now a bit blackened because of anxiety. Tamao always felt there is a deep story hidden in her life and was always curious to know more about her. Maybe he felt that because there were a few signs like her lips getting blackened and her way of shaking her legs quite unnaturally and the effectiveness with which she kept her feelings hidden.
Forty five minutes and twenty seconds was the time, poor Michiko was struggling with the tears and as soon as the teacher left, all the students ran out of the classroom back to their home.
Michiko wanted to hide somewhere to avoid the bullies, so she went to the washroom. She locked herself in the little room and cried silently inside.
About five minutes later, a few girls from the other classes entered the washroom and were talking merrily and laughing, talking about each other's crushes and other girls issues. Michiko was listening to their happy conversation.
"Ah. Why do I never get such good friends?" she whispered to herself.
After she heard the stamping of their feet gradually fade away, she came out of the room and immediately washed her face.
With her handkerchief, she wiped the water and patted her beautiful eyes dry without looking in the mirror. She never liked looking at her own image. Nobody knew the reason behind it. She didn't have any friend to whom she could talk and share her feelings with.
Tamao would always follow her secretly without anyone knowing about it, not even Michiko. Tamao was a great observer and even if Michiko was extremely good at hiding her feelings, he would always come to know even the slightest of changes in her.
After about five minutes after she patted her face dry and calming herself down, she came outside the washroom. Tamao was watching from behind. She did not turn back and went straight into the classroom.
"Oh man! I forgot my bag in the classroom! Damn. Michiko would come to know that I was waiting for her to leave! Oh crap!" Tamao squeezed his eyes and moved his fist up and down thrice in the air.
Michiko entered the classroom and was confused why was Tamao's still there in the classroom.
"It's a good chance to thank him..." Michiko thought.
She waited for Tamao to come back into the classroom. There, Tamao was waiting for Michiko to come outside so that he could go and take his bag. It was too long and Tamao was getting worried about Michiko as to why was she not coming out.
Finally, Tamao decided to go to the classroom.
"Ah-- Ta-Ta...Tamao---" Michiko called out.
A drop of sweat formed on Tamao's forehead.
Oh damn. What is she going to ask!? Did she find out I always follow her? Will she complain about me and take me wrong for following her?...Tamao was flooded with questions.
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Heya, Eros. Casanova here to do a review for you.
One thing I'll say first is a disagreement with a former review- the getting something done about the situation instead of taking care of it yourself. In a lot of cases- cases I've witnessed and lived through myself- getting a teacher or an adult involved with the bullying usually makes it a lot worse. You get called a snitch, a woos, and a multitude of other things. When I was in school if someone snitched on you you fought them for it- it's a heavy no no thing to do. And if someone else snitched and not their victim- they switched targets, at least for awhile. Fighting back was really the better option, as if they couldn't control you, and if they knew you could handle yourself they would leave you alone. After a time, anyway. I've stood up for myself and a ton of other people growing up- and the one thing that got worse was telling my mom when someone threatened me with a knife- and it got worse, not better, in any sense. Speaking from personal experience, people need to stand up for themselves and others. Always tell a teacher or an adult, yeah, but in a lot of cases it takes you standing up for yourself rather than a teacher getting into the mix of it. It creates more tension and the situation can generally worsen.
Anyway, I like the story here, it's really great, honestly. I don't like the dialogue, I sorta see this as more of a silent story, but that's just me. IT went by smoothly, and didn't end too abruptly. Congrats on that.
I'll wait till next chapter to comment on the characters.
That's all I have. I hope this helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing.
Sincerely, Casanova
Hey Eros, Aley here to review for Review Day.
First off I have to say that I like that this story takes a direct approach to solving a problem rather than a 'handle it myself' method which in reality turns out pretty bad. The idea of getting a teacher to step in is exactly what students should do in a situation like that, especially if the substitute is inefficient.
Overall, the thing which I think needs some help is actually your grammar. The way this is written is kind of holding it back. You have some good ideas, but your sentence structure and verb agreement, or your prepositional phrases that you choose to use are making some of the sentences sound weird to a more academic english.
I word it like that because it sounds like the way you're writing is good for some vernaculars. The problems I'm seeing are ones that I would associate with different groups of people and how they speak in different american english subsets, but unless you INTEND the book to be written that way [if you do, play it up a lot more than this], then it should be taken out and put more to a typical book english.
He didn't have many* friends
The next part is a bit awkward "as there were many competitors and ordinary boys jealous of him" should probably be put into it's own sentence. "All of the boys in school thought of him as competition, and they were jealous of him." As you use "were" before competitors, you should use were before jealous as well if you don't change the sentences.
Introverted would be the proper word.
didn't like to speak much
was good at everything keeps with the past tense you're using.
Now, for making a treaty of peace [a treaty is a document between two people which states intent and what they're going to give up, so a treaty can create peace, but if you don't say that it is going to be a treaty of peace, you've basically got an agreement of things that are going to happen, and then peace as well, which doesn't happen. Really the whole treaty thing should be taken out. He's good at mediating or moderating is what you mean I believe.]
There was only one way. Get a teacher.
You could also do The teacher, or A teacher, but just saying teacher there seems a bit too hard.
Michiko would know I was waiting for her
Keep your wording simple and try to eliminate "would come to" and other types of phrases like that whenever possible. If you work with the verb you want to use and eliminate the verbs you don't need "would come to" <-- those ones, then you're going to have a more active sounding novel and it will read better.
You might find this very interesting: http://www.hemingwayapp.com/
It's a site that will mark up your language use and show you different options for improving it and making it more streamline.
I hope this helps~
Yeah ...I got the point... I will surely try to edit it... loved the review... Thanks a lot !
This is Weirdo, here for a review. Please know that nothing in this review is meant to offend you or your story. This is just my opinion, you and other readers and reviewers could disagree. That being said, let us get into this review.
Grammar/Typos/Word check/Spell check/Sentence formation
(the bold is what has to be corrected)
*was
*other's
*many
This sentence seems kinda awkward. Maybe you should show this rather than tell us. Like,
(please don't use exactly these words, this is just an example)
Again, this sentence is a bit awkward.
*Now,
*
a*girl who was the victim
*the only way left was the teacher/ Only one way was left, the teacher.
*A knot
Replace the was with a comma
*breath, but
*The last
*trouble, of
*who was sixteen and had a little dark complexion
*kept her feelings hidden
Also, this sentence is very long, try breaking it up.
*classroom, back to...
*locked
*were
*their feet gradually fade
*handkercheif,
What else?
The characters seem very unoriginal. I remember Gian & Sunio being bullies in a TV show I watched as a kid.
Also, Tamao doesn't have a competitive nature, yet he is football champion? That kinda seems off.
Overall
Will try to get other chapters of this reviewed today. Hope this review helped.
-Weirdo
Lol yeah, They are from cartoon, Doraemon. I have corrected the mistakes ...
Yeah! That's the name. I thought so hard but couldn't remember it
Lol I still watch the show...