BACKGROUND
Clock:~ 10:00 pm. A well furnished home prticularly bedroom. Lightening . Raining. Thunderstorm. Noices of insects. A man sleeping on his bed. Restless. The name of the man is Ghosh. Suddenly gets up and sits. Bewildered. Looks around. Feels pain in his head and hence he goes out to the nearby pharmacy to get pain killer for himself.
DRAMA STARTS
GHOSH: Give me a pain killer...For headache.
SHOPKEEPER: Take these...These are new and mre effective.
Ghosh gives the money, buys them and returns home. At home, he takes the pills. He feels difficulty in breathing and dies. Neighbours come and calls CID thinking that the case is of CID.
CID team: ABHIJEET,FREDRICKS, SHREYA, LAVANYA, DAYA and ACP PRADYMAN arrives.
DAYA: Check the entire house.See if you get anything...
LAVANYA: Sir!!!......Sir.... I have got some pain killers there in the bedroom.I think there is something in these pills which killed Ghosh.
DAYA: Oh!! I see... Freddy, please make arrangements for sending the dead body and the pills to Dr.Salunkhe's forensic lab.
In the lab...
ABHIJEET: (Excitedly) Dr.Tarika, You called us? (Smiles)...What information did you get?
Dr.SALUNKHE: (Clearing his voice) Excuse me....I have called you..
ABHIJEET: A-A--A....Well... Whats the matter? (Becoming serious)
Dr.SALUNKHE: The death is not due to the pills...
ABHIJEET: What are you saying? Tarika, What is he speaking?
TARIKA: He is speaking absolutely correct...
ACP PRADYUMAN: Dr.Salunkhe, tell us elaborately whats the matter.
Dr.SALUNKHE: THis person,Ghosh, has died due to lack of oxygen and not because of chemicals in the pill
Dr.TARIKA: Infact, these pills just causes drowsyness and dizziness, which is the characteristic every pain killer.
ACP PRADYMAN: Hmm....Something is there in the house,which we we have skipped. Go back and check it again.....
In the house...Someone tries to shoot Shreya from the window.....
DAYA: Shreyaaa (pushes he behind him and leaps in front to save Shreya.bullet strikes Daya's shoulder)
ABHIJEET: (starts running behind the shooter) (shouts) Freddy, run behind him....
SHREYA: Daya sir!!... What did you do? To save me you have hurt yourself? (takes out a clean handkercheif and ties it to Daya's shoulder)
(Abhijeet and fredricks catches the shooter and brings him in the house where Shreya was nursing Daya...)
ABHIJEET: Daya, are you okay?
DAYA: I am abslutely fine....Shreya has taken good care of me..
ABHIJEET: Good, Shreya!....(to the shooter) Hey you! Why did you shoot us?
SHOOTER: I was given money by Bhai...
DAYA: Who is the Bhai?
SHOOTER: He is a big Don....He has capturred my wife and daughter...
ABHIJEET: Where does he live?
SHOOTER: I dont know it...but he is going to come tonight in the Pheri Pahadi behind the Gotchu street...
ABHIJEET: Gotchu streeeet!!! Hmmm.... Today this Bhai will not escape from us.
At night....In the Pheri Pahadi
SHOOTER: (whispers) Bhai came...
ABHIJEET: Go there involve him in talks....
SHOOTER: (Nods) Bhai!.....
BHAI: I can smell CID here...(holds the shooter) (shouts) CID! Come out, otherwise this man will be no more..
ABHIJEET: Hey!!! Dont do any thing to the shooter.
Saying this Abhijeet shoots Bhai on his foot, goes near him and removes his mask.Shocked to see that Bhai was involved in Drugs export and escaped from CID about a month before. Abhijeet slaps him on his face.
ABHIJEET: You are the same drug exporter who escaped from us last month....Right?
BHAI: Yes...
ABHIJEET: Why did you kill Ghosh?
BHAI: Ghosh caught my drugs business.He threatened me of telling CID
ABHIJEET:So you killed him.....
BHAI: Yes. I was irritated by his repeated thretenings....When Ghosh went to the shop to buy pain killers, I sprayed a gas due to which he felt suffocation and could not breathe properly and died ultimately.
ABHIJEET: Ghosh was doing correct....Who are you to take law in your hands? CID arrests you in the Warrent of drugs export and a murder.
CASE OVER
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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129,689 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
Heya, Eros. Casanova here to do another review for you.
There's several things I could hit on in this piece, but I'll keep it simple.
The first thing is that this is done more like a play or screen play, although it's labeled as a chapter and general/general, so either that was a mistake, or this is supposed to be a novel. And if it is, I have a few pointers in this.
You have barely any descriptors in this and you blatantly just go out and say everything, without any insight. What I mean by this is there's no hunt for information, there's no runaround, there's not any underlining plot, which was a bit of a buzzkill. You go straight there and straight back, and I didn't particularly like that. I would rather see you go forth and proclaim things in a dramatic way to keep the audience engaged, rather than just tonelessly say everything and now allow any room for thinking it could be a conspiracy, that it could be an inside job, that it could be anything we can make up in our minds, if you understand anything of what I'm saying. Anyway, onward.
Next is that this went by way too fast. The case was over in a very short amount of time. One thing is that shooters aren't that willing to talk, police have to make sure their info is correct, and they have to set up a sting operation to get them or go undercover. One or two don't just go and take the person down, it's a whole operation that they have to do. A lot of paperwork and getting permission, really. Anyway, onward.
The last thing is the dialogue, which to me felt robotic and forced- there wasn't anything natural about it. I would suggest imagining having a conversation with your friends and seeing what that would feel like and then putting words on the page.
Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Casanova
Hi, Eros!
I liked your mystery piece here. I liked the way you wrote it. I would have never thought of writing like this. You did an amazing job. *claps hands*
Now, I want to point out some nitpicks:
1. "These are new and mre effective" You misspelled the word "more". Just add an "o"
2."Tarika, What is he speaking?" The "w" should be lowercased.
3."Tell us elaborately whats the matter." There should have been an apostrophe in "whats", so it can read "what's".
4."Something is there in the house, which we have skipped." Just get rid of that comma. It will run smoother.
5."Pushes he behind him" should have been written as "He pushed him behind"
6."bullet strikes Daya's shoulder" The 'b' should be capitalized.
7...."fredericks catches the shooter..." The name should have been written as "Frederick".
8. Once, the word "absolutely" was misspelled.
9. "I dont know it". Again, there should have been an apostrophe in "dont".
10. "Go there involve him in talks" There should have been an period after "there". Turn that into 2 sentences. Remember that all sentences begin with a capital letter.
11. The word "threatenings" was once misspelled.
12. "Warrant" was once misspelled and it should have had a lowercase "w".
I think that, overall, you did an excellent job. I liked how it ended with "CASE OVER". Very creative. Good luck and keep writing!! NEVER GIVE UP!!!
I found it awkward to read as it sounds choppy and broken. Even if it’s a script, it should have proper sentences.
Try something like:
The thunderstorm raged outside and the curtains of his window flapped ferociously. Ghosh tosses and turns on his bed, restless. Then, he sits up, bewildered, and looks around.
Moreover, would the noises of insects be heard over the sound of thunder? Just consider that.
I’d like to point out that the case was wrapped up too quickly. You could have introduced other suspects and added more clues/discoveries to make it a little more complicated – just like it happens in real life.
Expect these two major issues, I can see a lot of potential in it. I liked the plot as it was a murder mystery. However, you should now be aiming to maintain my interest by your writing.
Let me know when the next part comes out!
Well done, and keep writing!
Hi Eros! This is Wolfie, reporting for duty!
Looks like you spelled "particularly" incorrectly.
"In fact" is two words, and "drowsiness" is spelled with an i.
Again, this was really good! You managed to make a case that was very unpredictable at the end. By placing a "red herring" with the pills (a classic form of poisoning), the reader automatically assumes that the shopkeeper had given Gosh poison in the pills. But no, Bhai had killed him in a different fashion.
Next time, I would try to slow the story down a little bit. The first case is better I think because it was longer and a little more detailed, and this one just went far too quickly. I would take advantage of your "background" parts because they are not written in script fashion, but rather like a normal short story. Use these parts to really slow down and describe things for the reader so that we can picture things better in our head. Describe the victim's hair color, eye color, personality, occupation, and home. Describe the shadows in the room, the glinting of the rifle. Of course, when you get to the script part, it's hard to do this because all you can really do is describe your characters' actions and voices. But work on the descriptions for the background section because it will really help your cases become more and more realistic.
I really enjoyed this case, so please continue to write more! You sure know how to write detective stories!
Oh Wow !! Wolfie! Thats a great idea to describe the victim's hair color, eye color, personality, occupation, and home and the shadows in the room, the glinting of the rifle. It will make the story full of effects. I will definitely edit the cases after 20th June. Since my exams are near I will not be on YWS.
Hey! Ryu(Southbound) Cevenost here to give you a review!
Well, I hate to say it, but this is an alright play. I mean, it's definitely different from most things I have seen, and it is set a part. Through most of it I could tell that it was... Lack of detail, in some parts. It was dramatic, but like in the middle where it says,"Why did you shoot us?" it makes you think that it just doesn't have any... Flare. Maybe, if you put more detail and drama in some parts, you MIGHT be able to turn it into a good mystery/detective novel.
Also, in the first part,"For headache." I mean, this is alright, it just annoyed me slightly, because it lacks correct grammar. It might be better if you wrote,"Give me a pain killer... For my headache."
But, anyway, you don't have to listen to me. I'm not much on plays, and screenplays, on any occasion. I mean, if it was turned into a short novel(I think their called novellas), a book, or if you changed some things in it, I might give it more attention! But you definitely need to continue writing, and continue with your style, its definitely unique.
In conclusion, it was alright, and I'm not trying to be rude or anything but you might want to make it into a short story, or a novel. I think it needs more flare, more spark, but besides that you have got a good plot line going. Thanks for the read, and I'll keep an eye out for future works!
Hmm...I will edit it. Thanks For your review!
AdjiFlex here.
Well, this is certainly... different. don't read pieces like this everyday on YWS. These cases you write could probably be a good base to a detective or mystery novel. There are some grammatical glitches though, especially with syntax. Reading over should get rid of them. I like the originality of this. It's not quite the conventional chapter I am used to reading and reviewing.
The characters, I think could use some more development. Everything here happens really fast and I even to the end, I don't know how these characters look or what they are really like. Then again, writing in this condensed setting makes getting into your characters a bit more difficult than it usually is.
I hope to read and review more of this and see where it goes.
Keep writing!
I agree to you. I will make the cases more elaborate. Thanks for your review!