Young Writers Society

Heya, Eros. Casanova here to do a review for you.

Ah, an introductory chapter, so not much to say for that. Anyway, onward.

Really one of the only things I have to say about this is grammar, relationships, and approach. So let's approach that.

The first thing is grammar. I would suggest instead of wording it as,"the crimes," you just use,"crime." Short, sweet, and to the point, and nothing gets lost with wording and the reader isn't focused on that slip up for the next ten chapters. Anyway, onward.

Since this is an introductory chapter, I figured you'd want to at least describe some of the relationships that people have with each other. Sort of, like, how the react and their strengths and weaknesses, sort of giving the reader into a bit of an insight about the characters themselves, to see if they relate and a general idea of how the characters are going to "play" together in the work force and outside of the work force, so to speak. Really that's up to you, I figured I would throw that out there.

Another thing is the approach. There's nothing dramatic about this, and there's nothing that hits me in the face like BLAM. I would suggest messing around the edges and find a dramatic way to be like BLAM into the readers- so they have a strong emotional feeling towards it right off the bat so they're hooked from the get go- instead of turning some people off of your book by not engaging them right off the bat(some people wont read more than the first chapter if that chapter isn't engaging.)

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing.

Sincerely, Casanova

I’m glad you put up the introductory chapter. It helps a lot and makes it easier for us – people who haven’t watched the show – to understand the story better. I liked that you gave us the characters’ pictures. We have a visual aid this way (though you could have described their appearance in your script). Lastly, instead of giving us details about them here, I’d suggest you show their personality/character through their actions/dialogues.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

I too love this serial and enjoyed watching on my leisure time. Your intro part was brief and good. By constructing short sentences, you could avoid errors. But, too many short sentences would irk the reader and make them lose interest in further reading. Try to combine them using conjunctions. And there were many typo errors:
"Infact everyone likes everyone
"The team works cordinately
Keep on writing! Good Luck!

Your intro sounds good; but you could make this change.

Refrain from using too many simple sentences:
eg:
John went to the zoo. He bought icecream there. There were two lions. John loved the elephants the best.