Little Macey

Oh wow. Wow, wow. That was fantastic. You seem to have a gift in being able to portray scenes from the point of view of young children - the juvenile voice you adopted was incredibly interesting. I absolutely adored your "tick, tock, tick, tock" as it added greatly to the suspense of the piece. I felt like I was Macey, not just an outsider reading her story. Your mentioning of Mean Tom was great too - it kind of reminded me of Breakfast at Tiffany's where Holly Golightly talks of the "mean reds". The repetition of "Macey knew" was highly effective in bringing back that feeling of her frightened state. Did you by any chance find this idea from Henry James' novel "What Maisie Knew"?

And as for your question - honestly, I think that you should just keep it as a short story. If you continued, the freshness and novelty of the language and idea might wear off. Anyway, amazing story and well done!

I really like this story...U\You did an amazaing job.
The emotions are well described and the way you kept the suspense all along was fantastic.
*_* ^_^

That's pretty creepy but i like it .

Just something i noticed is the repetition of a few things like grey in

A grey hand, with crinkled, old fingernails – like Mama’s wrapping paper for food – clutched at the opening door. A face peered out. A wrinkled, grey face.

Wow. That was scary.

I think the build up was pretty well-done--but the build up itself wasn't scary to me, really. I think the ending with the description of the monster that got to me the most. I didn't expect it to look that scary or grotesque, and it sent chills down my spine.

I'm not sure how you could have made the build-up more scary, though, if you had wanted to. I'm afraid it's beyond my abilities to help you with that. But as it is, it's pretty freaking good.

EDIT: It's good as a stand alone story, but a continuation wouldn't be bad either. I'm not sure what you would aim for with a continuation, though. I think the mystery of the man behind the door makes it far more scary, so a continuation would be best if it maintained that mystery for as long as possible.

Honestly, this was wonderful! It was a little frightening, though, because of the repellent-looking man in the closet, but I enjoyed it, and yes I do think you should continue it! I really thought it was great how you put the final tock[i][/i]at the end of your story. I love how you described the man, too. It was genius.

They would know that she knew about them if she did. Then They would come for her. And once They got her, poor, little Macey would have wished she’d kept quiet.

That was excellently written! I had a very good sense of what the setting was, and it was positively creepy! It's like what every little kid is scared of: that monster hiding in the closet.

Macey hugged her knees tighter to her. She knew Mama would be calling to her for dinner. If Mama called to her for dinner then they would know she hid in the room. Then they would get her. Poor Mama would still be calling for dinner when Macey was no longer there.

Okay, this was just creepy. You did an excellent job with the emotion in this story and your main character was superb. The way you showed her thoughts seemed really realistic.

This isn't really a review, I know, but I think everyone else already pointed out your grammar mistakes. All I have to say is that I love it! You probably shouldn't continue it, though, just because the ending was perfect and the reader is able to decide what happened. Was the creature her imagination? Is it evil or good?

I really liked this one. The only thing that bothered me was the first paragraph, or the second and last sentence. Other than that, I think your work was well done. Nice Job!!

Honestly, I was pooping myself - it was that scary! It was so mysterious that I want to know what happens next. I especially liked the part about the door, it sounds like what I write. You should definitely continue. Who took Macey?!

Hey. I'm considering continuing this. Should I?
O.o
Or should I leave it as it is?
Please say.


My love,

~Emma

Woe

That was really cool! Great job!

I only saw one thing that I didn't really understand:

They would know that she knew if she did.

Oops! Sorry about that. My little picture of an ice cream didn't show up.

Hey there fellow teammate! Forever here, I'll be your reviewer for today.

There was someone in the wardrobe. (Excellent. As you already know, the beginning of the story should start with a hook, something that grabs the reader's attention and holds it stead fast. You did this perfectly, I was engaged as soon as I began reading it. Good job!)

Macey knew.

She sat on her bed, hugging her knees to her chest. She rocked backwards and forwards slightly,(I recommend replacing "backwords and forwards" with "back and forth". It seems like less of a mouthful) never taking her large, brown eyes off her wardrobe. She dared not make a sound. They would know that she knew if she did. Then they would come for her. And poor, little Macey would have wished she’d kept quiet.

Mama would be so sad. Tall, thin Mama who cried when Papa left. She’d called Papa n aughty words when he stormed out, slamming the door behind him. Macey had seen it through the cr ack in the kitchen door. Sarah, Macey’s toy bear, had seen it too. She’d let Macey hide her face in Sarah’s soft, brown fur. Macey was safe then, with Sarah protecting her from Mama’s crying and Papa’s absence. (This is great In most stories, the readers should sympathize with the protagonist of the story. Some writers do this by describing a problem or issue in the MC's life in which the readers can relate to. Others do it simply by describing the pain or sadness in the character's life. You did this well by showing us the sadness in Macey's life without literally saying "she was sad". I'm instantly feeling empathy for Macey, which is something the reader should feel for the protagonist if that's what the author intends. I don't really know how to explain it but I think you understand what I mean. Love it!)

Macey wished she had Sarah now. (In this section of your short story, the readers come to a point in which they want to know exactly what happened to Sarah. I suggest continuing along this subject and telling us how or why Macey doesn't have Sarah anymore. Like I said earlier, it would help us feel Macey's pain.)

She almost whimpered, but caught herself before she did. They would know then. Then they would come for her. A tear slipped down her cheek. Macey didn’t dare move to wipe it away. If she moved they would get her. (I love how you wrote this. It really makes me want to know who is in the closet. You created a tension that makes us want to read even more of your story. Awesome!)

One of the doors shuddered a little, like someone inside had bumped it a ccidentally.

Macey sucked in a sharp breath. They were in there. They were waiting inside. Macey knew if she ran out of her room they would catch her. She had to run past the wardrobe to get to the door. Her door was closed. She didn’t like her door. It was white and boring. Her door didn’t like her. It was shut tight, trapping her in.

And someone was in the wardrobe. (It's good that you repeated your opening statement here. Circular structure is a very useful tool for writing, yet sometimes it can be tricky to know where to use it. You, my friend, used it perfectly to your advantage. )

Macey hugged her knees tighter to her. She knew Mama would be calling to her for dinner. If Mama called to her for dinner (In this part, "Mama called to her for dinner" is written twice. I suggest changing the second one so that there's no repetition. Perhaps using "If Mama did this..." at the beginning of the third sentence in the paragraph would help.) then they would know she hid in the room. Then they would get her. Poor Mama would still be calling for dinner when Macey was no longer there.

Macey wanted Mama to open her door and gather her in her stick-thin arms. Macey wanted to get out of her room. She wanted to be far away and safe.

Her Mickey Mouse clock was on her bedside table. It kept clicking. The noise was the only one she could hear, other than them shifting around in her wardrobe.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.
The wardrobe door started to creak open. The black c rack between the doors widened and widened. Macey thought she could fall into that gap and never be seen again. Macey was so frightened. She couldn’t scream. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t run.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock…

A grey hand, with crinkled, old fingernails – like Mama’s wrapping paper for food(I like how you made the writing seem like a little kid had written it. Comparing the ugly grey hand to Mama's wrapping paper for food was genius.:D Very well put. It made me feel for Macey. It made me want to go and grab Macey and hold her tightly so not to let anything horrible destroy her innocence. Your readers will definitly feel empathy for Macey because you've written it in a way in which everyone can understand what she's going through.) – clutched at the opening door. A face peered out. A wrinkled, grey face. It looked like a monster Mean Tom had drawn once. Mean Tom liked to scare the g irls with pictures of ugly faces. The monster looked like Mean Tom had drawn it. Big yellow eyes stared out at little Macey. A huge grin looked like it could swallow her whole. Macey saw the tiny little teeth that filled that great, big mouth. They looked like the little stones she’d seen Mean Tom throw at the swans in the lake.

Tick … tock … tick…

It crooked one of its long, brittle fingers. Its huge mouth moved and its dry, c racked voice reached her.

“Want to come play with us, little g irl?”

Tock.

Overall
What can I say? This piece is excellent. I absolutely loved it! You did an amazing job at creating the mood and theme for your writing. What I liked was that you made me feel sympathetic for your MC. That is an aspect of writing that most authors find difficult doing and yet, you did it wonderfully. As I said earlier, it was good that you wrote in a way that seemed as though a little kid had written it. It added to the fact that Macey was helpless, and that we wanted to stop her from facing such a horrible ending. I really felt for Macey. I wanted to hug her and tell her everything was going to be ok. It's great that you did this so well! Comparing the ugly wrinkled hand to the food wrapping paper made us realize how young and naive your MC really was. Another aspect that I loved, was the fact that you used the sounds of the Mickey Mouse clock. You created an excellent tension. I really wanted to know what was going to happen, who was in the closet, why they were in there. The sounds of the ticking clock only made it better! Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Absolutely brilliant.

PM me if you have any questions. I just loved this short story, it was fantastic. I'd love to read more of your pieces.

You deserve a round of applause! *claps wildly*

Oh, and an ice cream as well!

[img]<a%20href="http://media.photobucket.com/image/ice%20cream%20cartoon/creator_05/Others%20Cartoon%20Creations-Animated%20and%20Non-animated/cute-1.jpg?o=18"%20target="_blank"><img%20src="http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l273/creator_05/Others%20Cartoon%20Creations-Animated%20and%20Non-animated/cute-1.jpg"%20border="0"></a>[/img]

Always,

Forever.

Hi,
This was really intriguing! It really pulled the reader in. I liked the ending, too.

You say that they would get her if she even moved, but you start out with her rocking back and forth on her bed. It contradicts what you say later.

'They would know that she knew if she did.'

This sentence kind of confused me.

Overall I really liked it

~Tayla

Hey, I just wanted to say that I really liked it.

I loved the idea of a monster in the closet.
I also thought how you mentioned that Sarah, the toy, saw too,was great because that implieas that its alive which is just what a little girl would think.

Overall it was great. I really want to read the next chap.

Hi! I'm Hawkie, your teammate for the reality show, and I'll be reviewing you. ^^ You already have a lot of reviews but I'm going to do one anyway. xP

There was someone in the wardrobe.

Macey knew.

She sat on her bed, hugging her knees to her chest. She rocked backwards and forwards slightly, never taking her large, brown eyes off her wardrobe. She dared not make a sound.

She knew Mama would be calling to her for dinner.

Macey thought she could fall into that gap and never be seen again. Macey was so frightened.

Emma! i didn't know you'd written something else. Guess i hadn't actually looked, though. Oh well, i just wanted to tell you i thought it was great Are you going to keep going with this one?
sorry it's short, got to go do some more revision
see ya later xxx

Wow, this was so creepy and cool. I loved the voice of the little girl - and I also loved that it felt not quite right, you know? Like she was a tiny bit disturbed. That really added to the story.

My only suggestion is that you stop italicizing "they" and instead capitalize it. That way it still puts emphasis on the word, but it's not quite so distracting.

Great job! Gold star for you!

This was really cool. Short, chopped sentences captured the mentality and youth of the MC very well, as well as managing to make this super creepy. For the first half, I was wondering whether what she was afraid of actually existed, which dragged me in all the more.

While the repetition goes a long way to establishing your main character's thought process, there are a few instances where it was a little too much. The one that stuck out to me was the They's. You have them stressed/italicized which makes them much more prominent, especially when they're repeated so much. Perhaps it's just personal preference, but I would have gone with Pseudo-Random Capitalization, rather than italics. Also, the part with Mean Tom, you basically use the exact same thought twice, that the face looked like one Mean Tom would've drawn. Usually, your repetitions have subtle nuances to them that make them effective, adding to the meaning of the thought, but this one didn't seem to have that. The second mention of it being similar to Mean Tom's drawings doesn't add anything to the first.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this, and hope to read more (if there is more - is there?). I especially like the idea of it being a wardrobe, as it's a subtle nod to Narnia with a dark twist. Rather like Coraline, actually. Very nice work.

~Annie

Emma! June here!

Wow, this was superb!

As I was reading it, I was not expecting the end to be anything like this at all. It's a great ending-- you're leaving us at a cliff hanger, leaving it up to us to decide what happens next (like the suspense in the lady and the tiger).

I like the repetition of "door". It doesn't sound like it's told in a childlike voice, but! It's told as if the narrator is thinking -- or trying to think -- like a child. You did an excellent, excellent job with that, dear.

And I love the description of the creature! How horrific! I almost want to read this to my little sister at bedtime. (I'm not that cruel, really)


Excellent job here; Lillie and Meadow have pointed out some useful things. Gold star, dear. Keep it up!

June

A good story, I just read your story "I need you to write" and thought that it was your only writing style but clearly its not.

“Want to come play with us, little girl?”

Heya there!

And poor, little Macey would have wished she’d kept quiet.

Macey wished she had Sarah now.

She had to run past the wardrobe to get to the door. Her door was closed. She didn’t like her door. It was white and boring. Her door didn’t like her.

Hey! This was really interesting, mostly because your main character is a little girl. Most things I've read on here (and from my own experience) are written about teens or young adults, so this was almost refreshing. I especially liked the way she kept linking back to her 'Mama', which really is like a young child. Perfect encapsulation of your MC!

A couple of things I thought of that might improve this:

And poor, little Macey would have wished she’d kept quiet.

She dared not make a sound. They would know that she knew if she did. Then they would come for her. And poor, little Macey would have wished she’d kept quiet.

Her door was closed. She didn’t like her door. It was white and boring. Her door didn’t like her. It was shut tight, trapping her in.