**The penultimate one ... I think. I was aiming for this to be the last post, but it goes on for a bit, so I split it. Again. Anyways, enjoy!**
The night was cold. Goose-bumps rose along my bare arms like the mounting moon, which offered me no warmth despite its soft, white glow. It was just an attic light bulb hanging in the sky; naked, detached, uninspiring. The only good thing about this flat orb was that it threw silvery light across the neighbourhood, illuminating our way as we walked in silence down the street.
Now and then I glanced at his smooth face, admiring the play of light and shadow which danced soberly across it. His blue eyes, trained on the pavement, looked black, missing their usual good-natured sparkle. The moonlight caressed the curve of his smooth cheek and gleamed on the outline of his straight nose like white chalk on slate. Golden hair was bleached white by the moonlight. It was breathtaking and frightening at the same time. He couldn’t be meant for me. No way could I have done anything so brilliant in my life that some angel spotted me and thought: that one. I forgot about her! I’ll give her one of the beauties; that ought to make her happy.
Uh uh, no way.
Morgan was probably thinking the same thing. That was why he was avoiding eye contact and hadn’t said a word since we’d left my house. Great. I hadn’t even spent five minutes on this date and he was already ignoring me.
“Where are we going?” I forced myself to say after I could take his silence no longer.
“Just a place,” was his reluctant answer.
“Well obviously we’re going to a place. Everywhere is a place. I’d be impressed if you could find me a place that wasn’t a place.”
To my surprise he chuckled at my angry outburst. It made my cheeks burn with embarrassment at my irritation when he was so easygoing and amused.
“Ah, but then I wouldn’t be finding you a place.”
I shut up, annoyed and confused. This was not how I imagined my first date to go. Even the moonlight walk wasn’t half as romantic as films make them out to be. It was cold, creepy, and dark.
He took pity on me. “I go there a lot.”
“Your house?”
“No.”
Phew. That was one option about this night’s activities out of the window.
“The cinema?”
“No.”
There goes another.
With dread, I asked in a small voice, “a restaurant?”
“No.”
Thank God. Then, with faint unease, I realised that was all the places Hattie had come up with. Those were mainly the places to go for a date, so if we weren’t going to those, then where were we going?
“Um, Morgan?”
“Yes?”
“Where are we going?”
Please, oh please, don’t say the woods. Or an alley. Or-
“A cave.”
“What?”
He glanced at me, surprised by my tone. With a small frown, he took in my bewildered scowl, my look of disbelief. Well, I assume that was my expression at the time. I was too startled to pay much attention to my facial expression. What the hell? What kind of person took their date to a cave!
“It’s special to me. And I’ve a surprise waiting for you.”
“A nice one?” I asked nervously.
“Of course!” He laughed, as though I’d once again amused him.
“How far is it?”
“Not far.” He stopped and pointed down an alleyway. “Through the alley, then through some woods, and then we’ll be at the cave.”
Jesus, I needed some kind of checklist with me. All of the places which you least wanted to go to on a date would surely be ticked off. Alleyways, woods, and don’t forget the all-important cave if you really want your date to go off with a bang. No wonder Morgan got through girls so quickly; they probably dumped him straight after this fabulous night out.
“That sounds great,” I said, minus the enthusiasm. “Uh, why don’t we go during the day? I might actually be able to see where I’m going then.” If I was tripping over the pavement right now, how would I fare in the woods?
I turned to go back, but stopped with a gasp when he clamped his heavy hand on my shoulder. I peered up into his looming face with wide, frightened eyes as he spoke to me softly, “We have to go tonight. Now. Please, Sandrine, you’re not like the other girls. We could go so far, you and I.” I opened and closed my mouth like a fish dying on the fishermen’s boat as he continued, “You know how they talk about soul mates, Sandrine? That’s what we could be! Don’t you see it, Sandrine? Don’t you?”
Actually frightened for my life, I forced myself to shake my head.
“No? You don’t?” He appeared genuinely crushed as he drew back a little. His face sort of slumped, and his grip on my shoulder loosened. Then he found the fire of conviction once more as he whispered fiercely, “Then give me tonight! Give me tonight to prove it to you! You’ll see, Sandrine. If only you give me just this night.”
I trembled as bile rose in my throat. “P-Please let me g-go.”
“One night, Sandrine. Just one night to prove it to you.”
“If I say yes will you leave me alone?” I whispered, shrinking back from him.
He laughed. “Yes. Okay. But after tonight you’ll not want me to go. I promise. I promise.”
The freaking lunatic released me and stepped away. I didn’t move. I just watched him, frightened of his next move. He no longer looked beautiful to me. He was scary, inhuman. People had at least some flaw. Big teeth, beady eyes, a large nose, acne. At least they had an imperfection. At least they were human.
“I’m sorry I went all heavy on you, Sandrine.”
I said nothing.
“But after tonight, you’ll see. You will.”
Still, I said nothing.
He jumped to my side and motioned for me to go into the alley. “Hurry up. It’ll be pitch black by the time we get there if we don’t get a move on.” He touched my bare arm.
The contact burned.
Ripping my arm away, I said in a shaky voice, “I’m not going to the cave. I’m not walking through the woods. And I’m not entering that alley.” I gestured at the yawning black hole. It looked like a cartoon wale’s mouth, ready to close down on its next victim. Ready to close down on me.
“But that surprise!” He cursed and shook his head in annoyance. “I turned the cave into a magical, romantic place for you, Sandrine. With candles and ribbons. There. That’s the surprise. If you don’t go then I would have spent hours on it for nothing.” He cursed again. “Nothing!”
I watched him, suspicion blooming inside me. Was he for real? Or was this some kind of joke the ‘popular’ people were playing on me? If I refused, would I forever be known as Sandrine the wimp with the broomstick stuck up her ass? Or little miss prim and proper. The boring one. The one who refused to check out what a date with Morgan the romantic was like.
“I-I’ll ruin my shoes,” I offered weakly. Better thought as a girly girl rather than a spineless wimp.
“You won’t,” he reassured me smoothly.
I shut my eyes tightly. What would party-girl Hattie do? Stride into the alley way with a cheeky grin, a waggle of her index finger, and a giggle as she warned, “don’t try anything, mister.”
I pushed out a sigh and tuned to face the alleyway. I felt his hand on my back, pressuring me to go forwards, as I muttered unhappily, “Let’s go then.”
We stepped into the hungry black.
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139,471 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
I know I promised I would get to this. Sorry it took me so long. School's such a beast. Takes over my life and swallows me whole. Anyway, nitpicks first:
While I like the description right after this one - about the moon being just an attic light, so profound - I didn't like this. The comparison of goosebumps and the moon just gave me a mental image of her breaking out in some kind of hideous hives rash. But maybe this is just me - I am kind of weird when it comes to descriptions.
You have a lot of punctuation mistakes throughout this piece, but honestly, I'm too tired to point them out. But I do believe the t in this should be capitalized. Maybe. My brain is a bit soggy.
Okay, this thought just came out of nowhere. I also have no idea what you mean by it. And if you decide to leave it anyway, it should probably be a stand-alone. It has very little to do with the paragraph its attatched to.
Just wanted to say that I loved this sentence. Beautiful
Overall... I loved it
That's all I have. I just want you to know that I really did enjoy this, and I can't wait to see where you go with it.
Your friend,
KJ
P.S. Gold star
Hi!
This is really good - the descriptions are amazing, and I could see everything perfectly! Yay!
I loved this!
Now for the nit-picks...
I'm not sure I like it how 'moonlight' is repeated here. Perhaps if you change the second one to: 'the silvery light', or something like that? Also, I think the second sentence would make more sense if you wrote 'His golden hair' instead of jumping staight to saying 'Golden hair'.
Seeing as you put the rest of the 'angel's words' in italics, I think you should put 'that one' in italics too.
There should be a comma after 'say'.
Comma after 'surprise'
I want this sentence to be mysterious, edgy, to match the surroundings and Sandrine's feelings. Maybe if you put it like this?...
'It was cold, creepy, dark...'
What do you think?
The sentences that I put in bold: Personally, I don't think that they're neccesary. They kind of throw me out of the story a little, what with Sandrine commenting from 'the future' of the story... I hope I'm making sense
Just a suggestion, though
I think 'without enthusiasm' might sound better...
wale's should be whale's. Wales is a country, whale is the animal
I think 'But the surprise!' would sound better.
Yay! Amazing ending!
Overall, this was really good. The descriptions are amazing, the dialogue and grammar are great... I'm really excited for the next part!
*gold star*
Hope I helped!
Ill put my comments next to your version, because it's not letting me quote today (:
very good btw
The night was cold. Goose-bumps rose along my bare arms like the mounting moon, This doesn't quite make sense, are the goosebumps rising up at the same time as the mounting moon? or what? which offered me no warmth despite its soft, white glow. good description It was just an attic light bulb hanging in the sky; naked, detached, uninspiring. The only good thing about this flat orb was that it threw silvery light across the neighbourhood, illuminating our way as we walked in silence down the street.be sure to reintroduce Morgan in case people have not read the first two parts yet!
Now and then I glanced at his smooth face, admiring the play of light and shadow which danced soberly across it. His blue eyes, trained on the pavement, looked black, missing their usual good-natured sparkle. The moonlight caressed the curve of his smooth cheek and gleamed on the outline of his straight nose like white chalk on slate. Golden hair was bleached white by the moonlight. It was breathtaking and frightening at the same time. He couldn’t be meant for me. No way could I have done anything so brilliant in my life that some angel spotted me and thought: that one. I forgot about her! I’ll give her one of the beauties; that ought to make her happy. Very good paragraph, describes him perfectly (:
Uh uh, no way.
Morgan was probably thinking the same thing. That was why he was avoiding eye contact and hadn’t said a word since we’d left my house. Great. I hadn’t even spent five minutes on this date and he was already ignoring me. Ever girls worry!
“Where are we going?” I forced myself to say after I could take his silence no longer.
“Just a place,” was his reluctant answer.
“Well obviously we’re going to a place. Everywhere is a place. I’d be impressed if you could find me a place that wasn’t a place.”
To my surprise he chuckled at my angry outburst. It made my cheeks burn with embarrassment at my irritation when he was so easygoing and amused.
“Ah, but then I wouldn’t be finding you a place.”
I shut up, annoyed and confused. This was not how I imagined my first date to go. Even the moonlight walk wasn’t half as romantic as films make them out to be. It was cold, creepy, and dark.
He took pity on me. “I go there a lot.”
“Your house?”
“No.”
Phew. That was one option about this night’s activities out of the window.
“The cinema?”
“No.”
There goes another.
With dread, I asked in a small voice, “a restaurant?”
“No.”
Thank God. Then, with faint unease, I realised that was all the places Hattie had come up with. Those were mainly the places to go for a date, so if we weren’t going to those, then where were we going?
“Um, Morgan?”
“Yes?”
“Where are we going?”
Please, oh please, don’t say the woods. Or an alley. Or-
“A cave.”
“What?”
He glanced at me, surprised by my tone. With a small frown, he took in my bewildered scowl, my look of disbelief. Well, I assume that was my expression at the time. I was too startled to pay much attention to my facial expression. What the hell? What kind of person took their date to a cave!
“It’s special to me. And I’ve a surprise waiting for you.”
“A nice one?” I asked nervously.
“Of course!” He laughed, as though I’d once again amused him.
“How far is it?”
“Not far.” He stopped and pointed down an alleyway. “Through the alley, then through some woods, and then we’ll be at the cave.” Sound's like he's reading her mind! Can't see any problems so far!
Jesus, I needed some kind of checklist with me. All of the places which you least wanted to go to on a date would surely be ticked off. Alleyways, woods, and don’t forget the all-important cave if you really want your date to go off with a bang. No wonder Morgan got through girls so quickly; they probably dumped him straight after this fabulous night out.
“That sounds great,” I said, minus the enthusiasm. “Uh, why don’t we go during the day? I might actually be able to see where I’m going then.” If I was tripping over the pavement right now, how would I fare in the woods?
I turned to go back, but stopped with a gasp when he clamped his heavy hand on my shoulder. I peered up into his looming face with wide, frightened eyes as he spoke to me softly, “We have to go tonight. Now. Please, Sandrine, you’re not like the other girls. We could go so far, you and I.” I opened and closed my mouth like a fish dying on the fishermen’s boat as he continued, “You know how they talk about soul mates, Sandrine? That’s what we could be! Don’t you see it, Sandrine? Don’t you?”
Actually frightened for my life, I forced myself to shake my head.
“No? You don’t?” He appeared genuinely crushed as he drew back a little. His face sort of slumped, and his grip on my shoulder loosened. Then he found the fire of conviction once more as he whispered fiercely, “Then give me tonight! Give me tonight to prove it to you! You’ll see, Sandrine. If only you give me just this night.”
I trembled as bile rose in my throat. “P-Please let me g-go.”
“One night, Sandrine. Just one night to prove it to you.”
“If I say yes will you leave me alone?” I whispered, shrinking back from him.
He laughed. “Yes. Okay. But after tonight you’ll not want me to go. I promise. I promise.”
The freaking lunatic released me and stepped away. I didn’t move. I just watched him, frightened of his next move. He no longer looked beautiful to me. He was scary, inhuman. People had at least some flaw. Big teeth, beady eyes, a large nose, acne. At least they had an imperfection. At least they were human.Loving this!
“I’m sorry I went all heavy on you, Sandrine.”
I said nothing.
“But after tonight, you’ll see. You will.”
Still, I said nothing.
He jumped to my side and motioned for me to go into the alley. “Hurry up. It’ll be pitch black by the time we get there if we don’t get a move on.” He touched my bare arm.
The contact burned.
Ripping my arm away, I said in a shaky voice, “I’m not going to the cave. I’m not walking through the woods. And I’m not entering that alley.” I gestured at the yawning black hole. It looked like a cartoon wale’s mouth, ready to close down on its next victim. Ready to close down on me.
“But that surprise!” He cursed and shook his head in annoyance. “I turned the cave into a magical, romantic place for you, Sandrine. With candles and ribbons. There. That’s the surprise. If you don’t go then I would have spent hours on it for nothing.” He cursed again. “Nothing!”
I watched him, suspicion blooming inside me. Was he for real? Or was this some kind of joke the ‘popular’ people were playing on me? If I refused, would I forever be known as Sandrine the wimp with the broomstick stuck up her ass? Or little miss prim and proper. The boring one. The one who refused to check out what a date with Morgan the romantic was like.
“I-I’ll ruin my shoes,” I offered weakly. Better thought as a girly girl rather than a spineless wimp.
“You won’t,” he reassured me smoothly.
I shut my eyes tightly. What would party-girl Hattie do? Stride into the alley way with a cheeky grin, a waggle of her index finger, and a giggle as she warned, “don’t try anything, mister.”
I pushed out a sigh and tuned to face the alleyway. I felt his hand on my back, pressuring me to go forwards, as I muttered unhappily, “Let’s go then.”
We stepped into the hungry black.
Yay i loved it! all the descriptions were really realistic. nice work (: x