**I forgot about the competition.
But due to all the encouragement and great advice I received with my first post, I thought I may continue with it. ^^ Thanks guys! Please, tear it to shreds! Although, please bear in mind that it's the dull bit before the action.**
I didn’t know if Saturday came too early or too late. All week I had felt jittery, as though a million butterflies were trapped within my stomach. This date would be make or break for my social life. I had only one chance; only one night. Teachers and my friends certainly noticed a difference in me. I had grown quiet, uncertain. Daydreaming in class when I should have been working. Well, excuse me, Mr. Maths Teacher, but when the most important night of your life is coming up, would you rather be doing Double Maths or thinking about possible scenarios you may find yourself in?
The doorbell rang.
I yelped, awoken from my daydreaming, and glanced at the clock on my bedside table. He was two hours early. And I was in my underwear. I sprang to my feet and searched desperately for my dressing gown. Come on, come on…
I found it hiding under my bed, although I had no idea how it got there. Pulling on the white, linen dressing gown, I took the stairs two at a time. Stop ringing the doorbell! I’m there, I’m there! Just give me a minute…
I should have been awarded with a prize. Fastest bedroom-to-front-door sprinter. But there was no sudden applause, no shining trophy. It was just me, opening the door with shaking hands and quickened breath.
“Surprise!” Hattie stood on the steps, grinning madly; two pizza boxes held triumphantly in front of her. “I figured you’d be hungry, Sand.”
For a few heartbeats I could only stare at her, slack jawed. I peered at the empty street behind her. Then back at her.
“Hattie?”
She laughed. “Of course! Who else would it be? So, are you gonna let me in? It’s sort of chilly out here.”
“Hat – I’m sorry. I have a date, remember?”
“Who has two hours to arrive, Sand. I thought we could enjoy a pizza or two and I could do your hair.”
“What’s wrong with my hair?” Self-consciously, I raised a hand to my orange curls.
“Are you going to let me in or what?”
Mechanically, I stepped aside. Bouncing past me, Hattie stuck out her tongue. She went straight for the kitchen, with me on her heels.
“So, what’s happened to your parents?”
“Mum had to work late. So did Dad.”
She turned and grinned at me. “Mmm. Convenient.”
“What do you mean?”
“You can stay out even longer. A prolonged date, Sand! Hmm well, who knows what you could get up to…”
“You’re gross.”
“I know. Hey,” she lifted the pizzas, one in each hand. “Hawaiian or,” she grinned, “Calzone! Excusive to Pizza Hut! Don’t you just love me?”
“Okay, Hawaiian I’ve heard of before, but what the heck is ‘Calzone’?”
Her grin grew even more, which was practically impossible. “It’s not a pizza; it’s sorta like a pita-bread thing.” She peered at the box, “‘folded pizza filled with toppings and finished with garlic sprinkle. Available in Vegetable Supreme, Chicken Supreme and Meat Feast.’ Yum.”
“Whatever, Hattie. I have to get ready.”
“But which one!”
“Both.”
I made my way back upstairs, ignoring the pig imitations Hattie was butchering. I needed to get ready, because the next person to ring the doorbell would be him, and I had to have something other than my underwear and dressing gown on by then.
Time slipped by, even though I wasn’t having fun. I was too nervous to eat, but I forced down some of the Hawaiian, while Hattie gnawed on her ‘Calzone’. Then the terrible realisation came to me, like someone had smacked me in the head.
“Oh no!”
“What?” Hattie mumbled through a mouthful. Her bulging cheeks reminded me of a hamster.
“I’m going on a date! I might have to eat out! But I’ve already had this stupid pizza!”
“Don’t insult the pizza. It’s not the pizza’s fault you’re gonna have two dinners.”
“Why didn’t you tell me!”
“Sand, I doubt you’ll be eating much on your date. Reason one: you’ll be self-conscious about eating and looking gross. Reason two: you don’t have much of a stomach anyway. Reason three: You’ll be either talking with Morgan too much to eat or you’ll be snogging him too much to eat-”
“Hattie!”
“Reason four: you may not even go out to dinner or anything. You might be watching a film.”
“How many reasons are there?” I grumbled.
“Reason five-”
“Hat!”
“-With Morgan having a different girl nearly every week, you may just being going back to his place.”
“Will you stop talking about sex, Hat? You’re creeping me out. It’s just a date, okay? I’m not sharing a shower with him or anything.”
“Even though you want to.”
“Hat!”
The doorbell rang, which cut through our conversation like a guillotine.
Hattie and I stared at each other, the same thought leaping across our minds. That’s him!
I jumped to my feet, but tripped. With a short cry, I toppled onto Hattie's plate, squishing her Calzone. Lumps of chicken adhered to my wrist, like disgusting, white leeches. It felt cold and gooey, utterly repulsive.
“Oh wonderful!”
I tried flicking it off, but Hattie squealed and shoved me. So what if I was aiming at her? Did she have to be such a big baby over it?
“Hat – get the door,” I ordered. “I’ve gotta wipe my wrist.”
“Sure thing,” she gave me a lustrous grin. “Can I continue our conversation in front of him?”
“No!”
She said something through bursts of giggling, but she was already out of the room and thumping down the stairs, so I missed it. It probably wouldn’t have put me in a very good mood if I had heard it anyway. For revenge, I used her cardigan as a towel. It got the worst of it off, but my wrist smelt funny, pungent. It made my nose burn.
I had to walk down the stairs slowly, unable to move my legs much in my small, black dress. Even if it ended about halfway down my thighs, which I was a little uncomfortable about. Hattie had reassured me that it looked sexy. If Morgan doesn’t drool as soon as he lays eyes on you, then there’s probably something wrong with him. This was a typical, Hattie thing to say.
He didn’t exactly drool, but his blue eyes burned with hunger as they locked with mine. It made my legs feel weak and filled me with an overpowering urge to run back upstairs. I might have trembled a little as I stood next to Hattie, and gazed upon him with huge, anxious eyes.
What was I doing?
His luxurious voice sounded, wrapping my senses in a cloak of artificial warmth.
“Are you ready?”
No.
“Yes.”
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Hey Emma ^^ Shina here to do a review for you
It's a bit late for me on school terms, so excuse the fact that it's kind of rushed and the fact that I may have missed something.
I. Nitpicks
Typo here
This second line kind of disappointed me. You're really great with descriptions, Emma. Why say it so plainly? What does "anxious" or "apprehensive" even mean? What images, what descriptions could you use that entails these words?
The word "only" seems necessary. How does "I had one chance, one night." sound to you?
"Teachers and friends" sounds so general. They can be anyone's friends. Might want to add "my"
Should havebeen working. Past tense.
Did you mean Ms. Price? The guy she's going on a date with doesn't seem to be the subject here, but I'm not sure.
You know the drill about exclamation points, Emma. Exclamation points only belong in quotes or thoughts. Your italicizing does the job.
Can you really pull on a dress? Slip, maybe? Slip on a dress?
xD lol, just had to comment on this one.
Then is repetitive here, and it breaks the flow for me. Works fine without the first one.
Even though it's on the box as "&", you need to spell it out because she's reciting it, dialogue form.
Whatever, Hattie. I have to get ready.
Which. Which one.
Wrong word, there. To instead of the.
It sounds better as "time slipped by."
Also, it's past tense, right? "Even though I wasn't having fun."
I
Not everyone knows that Hawaiian is a type of pizza. For all they know, it could be a Hawaiian man in a box! Might want to be specific.
xD Hattie is hilarious, and I just can't help but laugh at the fact that her nickname would be "Hat." Hello, Hat xD *cracks up*
The doorbell rang, which cut through our conversation like a guillotine.
Thought, not "though."
Hattie's plate, not Hattie plate.
EM dashes connect to the word, remember? No spaces.
A giggle is a laugh, not a way of saying something, technically.
What does this mean? I agree with the others on the need to reword this.
xD Hilarious.
II. Overall
I'm getting the feeling you were typing really fast or you were really tired when you wrote this, because there were a lot of typos, grammatical errors, and things of that nature that you usually don't miss. I probably didn't need to explain them for you, but I did so I can practice to be an editor for my school paper xD
I like this piece, I like your descriptions, I love Hattie. But what's getting me is the fact that your descriptions are being... half descriptive. No, they're halfway there. You're really descriptive in some areas, but sometimes you say things plainly like "anxious" or "apprehensive." Perhaps that's just your writing style, but you could expand a bit more because the picture is hazy in my mind.
Also, you need to remember that your story needs to be directed toward the readers. "Hawaiian" is a type of pizza, yes, but you never really said it was
-Shina
Hey, EmmaJane. I lied in my PM, I guess. Found time to get to this tonight! Anyway, there wasn't much, and I hate repeating myself, but again... I liked it. I'm waiting for the action to start, as you said it would. It's not boring, though. You're keeping the reader pretty entertained until things heat up.
Just a couple nitpicks, and I really do mean only a couple:
Probably just a typo, but this should be too.
Don't ask me why, because I don't even know, but this line bothers me for some reason. It just... looks awkward. Could you possibly rephrase or change?
And that's all. Sad, huh? Can't wait until the plot begins to unravel! Post me when you write more, Em.
Your friend,
KJ
Oh, by the way... love Hattie!
Hi!
Thanks for the PM! I would have missed this wonderful piece of work otherwise
This is really good - your writing style has something about it that makes it really easy to read. And this isn't dull, either! It's a build up to whatever action you're planning, which is really exciting! ^^
Now for the nit-picks:
The tense here should be furthur back, seeing as the whole thing is written in past tense. It should be: 'Daydreaming in class when I should have been working.'
I suppose this person is in their underwear because they're changing, but it's not entirely clear. Please explain! Otherwise it looks a little strange, just saying all of a sudden that the MC's in her underwear
For instance, maybe you could say: 'And I was still getting dressed!' I know it doesn't sound as good, but you can put it differently.
At the moment, the reader has no idea what 'it' is.
I think: 'I'm here' would sound better.
Who's Hattie? A best friend, a family friend?... Please explain, as for now the reader doesn't know. Also, maybe you could describe her a little more?
I think you can just leave out the word 'touch' here, as it just adds length to the sentence. But that's only my opinion
I think that 'She turned to me and grinned' might work better...
It should be: "But which one?"
I really like this line!
I think you mean thought?
Giggling isn't a way of talking. I suppose you could say 'She muttered something, giggling' or something like that.
Okay, that's all with the nit-picks!
I just have a little word of advice: maybe you could describe what people look like and the MC's surroundings a bit more? Without being able to see where the MC is, I can't picture this scene as much as I'd like to. I'd love to hear what Hattie looks like, what clothes the boy is wearing, and a few descriptions of the house.
With that added, this piece will be perfect!
PM me when you get the next part - I'm intruiged...
Hope I helped!
Congratulations, you have earned my interest!
The story's intimate stream of consciousness and the very human elements of adolescent uncertainty and nervousness were very well captured and every scene rolled along like a well choreographed dance.
A few phrasings here and there could use some tweaking, but thats not something for harsh criticism.
I loved the character's interactions, simple yet far reaching into the almost after thought nature of every line of dialogue regardless of its content was brutally realistic, though childishly expected.
I enjoyed it thoroughly, well done, thats all I can say.
Star!
Keep me up to date on your work, I would love to read more.
Very very good!
It was so easy to read, very well written, and you've obviously put a lot of work into the editing because I couldn't find any grammatical/ spelling mistakes! That might just be me though..
One suggestion though, keep working on this story, I really want to read more of it.
Try and develop Morgan's character a bit more, because at the moment, readers aren't sure what to expect with this guy, therefore we can't empathise as much?
keep writing!