E - Everyone

Ravens Rook(pt1)

I am writing you because I know I can trust you. I know I can trust you with the details of the story I am about to tell. It was once a story so common it is said there was hardly anyone in the world who did not know it, now I do believe I am the only one left who remembers. I am sending it to you and trust it to your keeping and remembrance. I would beg you to not disappointment me in this but I know you won't.

It was in the year 204 since the Twilight of the Gods in the northern land called Midgard in that high mountain kingdom of Cillade. In a simple cottage on the western shore of the River Cil there lived a young girl named Aella. The cottage looked similar to what many in Cillade did in that it was constructed of upright pale wooden planks and had no corners on the outside but was round all the way around. The windows were high up on the second level and had no panes of glass nor screens but the round shutters could be drawn over the round windows in case of the rare storm. The girl Aella was thirteen and of course as most everyone once knew that was a very important age in Cillade. Well it was really only important because it was the year before a person turned fourteen and on any young person's fourteenth birthday they had to choose their school. It was both an exciting time in the life of a young person as well as very agonizing for some. Throughout a person's thirteenth year they would probably visit several of the schools around the kingdom, sometimes they might meet with graduates of each school in order to learn more about the experience and finally make their choice. When their birthday arrived they would be required to register at the Master of Runes which school they would be attending and go straightaway to live and study there that very day and would see very little of home or loved ones until they graduated. For some schools this was longer than others.

Aella woke up one chilly winter morning(although it was never really that cold at all in Cillade. Despite being high up in the mountains the high valley where the kingdom was was riddled with fissures that emitted warm steam all the year around keeping the glen relatively mild) and looked out the window. She knew with certainty what school she wanted to attend, she knew what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. There far out along the slopes of the Cilladian mountains to the south rose a dark gray tower. Even though the tower was shrouded in early morning mist and though the distance was great she could still make out the shapes coming and going from the castle. “Ravens Rook.” She said softly to herself as she wrapped the blankets around her tighter. She wanted more than anything to attend the Academy at Raven’s Rook and to join the Val Riders and ride upon one of those great steeds of the sky: Val-Ravens.

Of course she doubted her mother would ever go for this. She had brought it up before and the idea had always been quickly dismissed by her mother. All the visits that her mother had set up for her had been to places like Valkyrie School for battle nurses and the Academy at Folkvang where she could learn to be a nanny and the worst of the worst Freyja’s Ford a school of sorts built arching over the River Cil near the Royal Keep where girls went to learn to dress pretty and walk pretty and talk pretty and attract rich and royal husbands, of course they could never do anything for themselves other than be pretty and that was the last thing Aella wanted to turn out to be. Well maybe pretty, but not just pretty

At least her mother hadn't pushed her on making a final decision lately. It was only a week until her birthday and the subject hadn't been brought up since their last school visit over two months ago. Who know’s Aella thought happily as she tied her boots on, maybe mother has just forgotten and I can march off to Raven’s Rook next week without another word on the matter. But she knew better than that, in fact it wasn't even possible as a parent had to sign their personal rune on the Dispatch of Education that accompanied every fourteen year old to the Master of Runes.

Oh well, she shook her head trying not to trouble herself too much about it(as if she could help it) and climbed down the ladder into the main living area. It was a small home, but only small like most were in the landlocked kingdom. There was a little table with four chairs(they only ever used two) and a fireplace against the wall with a couple of benches beside it. A large basin of water sat on a pedestal near the door and a pitcher next to it, their water for drinking and for washing. Salted meats and dried root vegetables and an assortment of herbs hung from the ceiling here and there.

The fire was only embers so Aella knew her mother(who others called Wythlyn) was not awake yet. She knelt by the fire and grabbing the iron poker brought some glowing embers together and sprinkled a number of wood shavings on them until she had a flickering feeble flame. “Come on you can do it.” She coaxed the flames as she often had a habit of doing to things that couldn't hear her. Nevertheless the fire responded positively and she added a few larger twigs and finally several large chunks of split wood and the fire was soon burning hot.

Her mother still not awake Aella decided she would go for a morning walk. She often went out on morning walks, she never told her mother where and her mother had never once asked. It was always the same walk. She closed the door softly behind her and took a deep breathe of the cool, damp air and looked up the mountain past the city at the orange glow creeping over the mountaintop, the sun would be brilliant and warm overhead in just moments. She started off and took the road along the River to the south, then the bridge over the river where it dropped off the mountain towards the valley beneath. She turned right just after and hopped a narrow fissure emitting its warm steam and then climbed out on an outcropping of stone. The outcrop jutted far out over the cliffs as they fell nearly straight down from the city.

A lone lookout from the King’s Guard sat on a wooden chair looking out over the valley beneath(though he could see nothing but heavy low clouds below). It was the same guard that was always there in the mornings Aella had learned his name was Wigrik. He nodded his gray haired head when he saw her and smiled before going back to munching on the apple that was presumably his breakfast. She walked out past him and carefully to the very edge of the outcrop and then sat down and scooted forward until her legs hung over the edge of rocky peninsula in the sky. She clutched a tuft of weeds in each hand and peered over the edge. Her stomach used to flip and her head spin when she did it but her countless repeat visits had inoculated her against the vertigo. It was so terrifying and yet exhilarating seeing the cliff running straight down beneath her feet until it disappeared into clouds. She looked out towards Ravens Rook again, much closer now than it had been from her room and saw precisely what she hoped for. There, coming along the mountainside was a single Val-Raven with a rider on its back.

The bird’s black feathers gleamed brilliantly as the sun came over the ridge. It flew faster than any wind, rising and falling ever so slightly with each beat of its long wings. The rider on its back wore shining silver plate armor and a red cape fluttered back nearly to the tip of the birds tale and the black plume from his shining helmet stretched back equally as far. The mask covered his face almost completely but Aella was sure he must be smiling, how could he not be, he was riding across the sky with the sun and the wind on his face and the whole kingdom beneath him. As he came closer he raised his long spear in salute to the sentinel who saluted back with his sword. Aella waved feverishly.

The Vale Rider must have noticed because he gave a tug on the reins after he had passed and brought his bird back around so that it was flying right at Aella. Fearing she might be struck by the spear or bird she lay quickly back just as it passed over her and then dove straight down the side of the mountain. She sat up and looked down just in time to see the bird and rider disappear into the bank of clouds far beneath. Her eyes searched the sea of clouds as it rippled where the Raven and rider had plunged beneath its surface. He would come back up wouldn't he? Of course he would. Just as she had hoped the Bird burst, ebony beak first, with rider on its back from almost precisely the spot it had dove in. Its wings beat furiously and the rider stretched his spear out towards the sky and the bird let out a deafening ‘caw-caw’ and grasped the ledge where Aella was sitting with its feet just as it passed and pushed off even faster into the sky overhead and disappeared into the radiance of the sun. It was only now that she noticed she had been holding her breath and let it out slowly.

She got up and found her legs to be weak from all the excitement. It was time to go home.

She walked back past Wigrik who was sitting exactly where he had been, still eating his apple but now he chuckled as she passed. There was no way she could go to some silly nursing school. It was Vale Rider or nothing for her. She smiled at the idea and then frowned. It was an idea much easier thought than actually done.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
katesing2016
Review

There was a lot of detail in this and I have to say that I absolutely loved it. You have a way with words, my friend. I also liked how you formatted the beginning. I thought that speaking directly to the audience was a good way to start the book, very captivating and inviting for an audience. I look forward to reading more when it comes.

User avatar
Atticus
Review
Atticus wrote a review · Sun Sep 24, 2017 6:33 pm

Hi there! MJ stopping by for a short review :)

Of course, she doubted her mother would ever go for this.


I am writing you because I know I can trust you. I know I can trust you with the details of the story I am about to tell.
This would be better as one sentence.

Throughout a person's thirteenth year they would probably visit several of the schools around the kingdom, sometimes they might meet with graduates of each school in order to learn more about the experience and finally make their choice.
This would be less of a run-on if you were to make this less subject-verb-subject-verb and more varied phrases. "Throughout a person's thirteenth year, they would usually visit several of the schools around the kingdom, sometimes meeting with graduates of each school to learn about the experience, and then finally make their decision" is how I would write it, if that's helpful.

The fire was only embers so Aella knew her mother(who others called Wythlyn) was not awake ye
Parentheses are an awkward way to tell the reader her mother's name. It's not necessary to know right now, so if it would be too awkward to squeeze in there, maybe "Aella knew her mother, Wythlyn, was not awake yet."

So the two areas I think that you could work on is less clunky writing and better phrased sentences. These are both more writing areas, and I will touch on a plot point a bit later, but there's not much to critique since this is the first chapter. By clunky writing, I mean what I corrected in the second quote. You don't phrase things very smoothly, if I may say so, and in my opinion, that makes it a rougher read.

You obviously have skill with adjectives and adverbs and have the ability to paint a very beautiful picture here, but you're jerking the brush around too much. I think just rephrasing a lot of those sentences would make your story a lot better and make a massive difference. It takes quite a bit of work, but if you're serious about being a writer, then it can be a good step to take. If not, however, proceed with this writing style if it makes you happy.

Better phrased sentences would help you make writing less clunky, since most of yoru setnences are pushing the line of run-on or just packed with information. While it's a hard balance between overly loaded sentences and short, choppy phrases, you're definitely erring on the side of too long and too complicated. You know what you want to say, so now it's time to focus on how you're saying it, since that is also a priority of writers.

And as my first and only plot point, you seemed to info-dump a little bit and give us a bunch of unnecessary information about boarding schools. That weighed me down as a reader, and I think it would be better to introduce that slowly, maybe have her wake up and hint at that by thinking, "I have a school tour today". The reader will figure out what that means and then know what to expect.

But overall, you have some very solid skills with words, just not really combining them. Hopefully my points were helpful, and I apologize for being so harsh. If you have any questions or need any advice on this, please feel free to contact me. I'd love to work with you on this, other writing assignments, or just help you navigate YWS in general. Thanks for publishing this, and have a wonderful day :)

Best wishes & RevMo cheer,
MJ

Thank you much for the review

User avatar
darklady
Review

I love this! I love your worldbuilding and your characterization! I can't wait to find out more about the Runes aspect and all the schools. I love your twists on traditional fantasy tropes. I also love your writing style; it's rich and literary and fits the subject perfectly.

The only complaint I have is the section where Aella is watching the Vale Rider. It's a bit long and waffley and you kinda lost me a bit there.

Please keep writing though!

Thanks much for the read



If you can't describe what you are doing as a process, you don't know what you're doing.
— W. Edwards Deming