Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. But now I am here and I am ready to rip this piece to shreds. (If you don't mind.) So I really like this story, it has major potential. I just think you need to really watch your redundancies. You tend to use the same words over and over in the same sentences. Another thing you need to work on is making sure that you are showing and not telling, info dumps are bad. Also, make sure you don't change perspective, because sometimes you made it seem like Rob was the narrator and sometimes it was third person. If you want Rob's perspective just put it into thought form and make sure you italicize it. Okay and now I am going to nitpick because I just do it so well!
Rob Newmire walked from his home to his car. It was a very all-American setting. Heading out to his nine to five job, just early enough to beat the traffic and get into work on time. Behind him stood a two story, vinyl sided house, bricked around the front door, a white picket fence in front of it all. It was all too generic, but it certainly was the middle class American life.
This is an info dump. You are telling us exactly what Rob's life is like instead of showing us. Personally, I thought this opening paragraph was really weak. It didn't catch my attention, didn't draw me into the story, and even though Rob is the average American citizen, like myself, I didn't relate to him.
They waved goodbye to their father as he pulled out of the driveway in his Lexus. His wife Kristy stood behind them and gave him an admiring [s]stare[/s] smile as he pulled away from the [s]home[/s] house.
Make sure that you spell check, but then double check to make sure you are using the proper words. Spell check won't catch it if you say their when you mean to say there. Also I felt like smile was better than stare. Stare just sounded really awkward.
Down the street he drove, slowly, as many children were already standing near the [s]street[/s] corner waiting for the bus. The sun was shining and the day seemed pleasant, it was still cold, probably below freezing yet, but the wind was still and the day beautiful.
Replace street with corner and then that way you are not redundant. Also, the sentence about the weather is so hard to read. I would reword it to say something like: Even though it was below freezing, the sun was shining and the day was pleasant. Idk, something like that. You don't always need a lot of words to get your point across.
Before traversing the [s]remaining[/s] short drive to his office, Rob took a detour and picked up a morning cup of coffee. [s]It was not his normal habit, in fact, while most the people he worked with did drink coffee he was one of the few who generally did not. Nevertheless he was especially tired this morning and needed a little energy.[/s] The stop took longer than he had anticipated [s]with so many people stopping to get their coffee before work as well[/s] and by the time he got back on the road he was already late.
I know you are trying to show us that your character does not typically drink coffee, and somehow have us connect with him through this. However, it does nothing for your story except take up space and make him late to work. I say K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Silly.
Moments before pulling into the office [s]in which he worked[/s] he noticed a car parked on the curb, no flashers on and still running.
You don't need the in which he worked. Typically when you say office, people think of work. So by saying that he was pulling into the office we assume he works there. Assume that your readers are smart enough to figure this out on their own.
He strongly considered stopping to help the driver out with whatever seemed to be wrong and on most days he would have, but being late as he was he opted to simply hurry into work [s]and maybe his manager would be slightly less perturbed[/s].
Since his manager is already perturbed at his tardiness, this is unnecessary.
Entering the building Rob attempted to slink to his office without the higher-ups noticing he was twenty minutes late[s] but to no avail[/s].
(New Paragraph Here)“Newmire! You're late!” His boss's voice boomed, [s]certainly[/s] loud enough half the floor heard.
“Come on boss, I've been on time everyday for the last three years and it won't happen again”.
“I don't need excuses Newmire, just get to work.” [s]And[/s] his boss stormed off. Normally [s]he[/s] Rob would have been a little angry, but he felt good today and wasn't going to let his boss ruin that.
Okay, so you used boss four times in this paragraph. Does Rob's boss have a name? I'd like for him to have a name. People don't actually call their boss "boss". At least nobody I know. We might call them other choice words, but probably not to their faces. Lol, okay back on topic. Also the part about him never being late for three years, that doesn't sound like an excuse to me. It's a fact. Have Rob tell him he got stuck in traffic, or the coffee line was really long, or something that sounds like an actual excuse. Thank you. Furthermore, the last sentence, I wasn't really sure who was angry, Rob or his boss? If you put Rob instead of he that clarifies it for me.
Soon enough Sam was hard at work and had more than caught up when he decided to take a quick break at eleven. His boss gave him a little glare as he strode to the break room but he just returned with a smile and a nod. The break room was a really nice place, the fact that it represented a break probably helped with that perception but still it was decorated exquisitely, fine leather chairs, tropical plants, plush carpet and a very capable cafe which was attended to by a full time worker.
Okay, so who the heck is Sam? I'm having a hard time reading this story because you tend to use too many words to get across very simple points. It makes for a choppy flow and it kind of gives me a headache. So eliminate words that aren't strengthening the story. Or reword it so that you don't have huge run-on sentences. For example: At eleven, Rob had caught up on his work and decided to take a quick break. The description of the break room is an info dump and a really big run-on sentence. If you need help on showing and not telling, check out this article. I read it almost on a daily basis. To remedy the run-on sentences, instead of using commas find a place where you can put a period or a semi-colon.
Purchasing a small glass of pop, which was far overpriced, [s]like everything available on the menu[/s], he sat down near the huge panoramic window overlooking the city. Glancing outward he [s]seen[/s] saw the sun, a beautiful radiant sphere still rising high over the city skyline [s]that seemed dwarfed in comparison[/s].
All these descriptions are nice and all, but they only weaken the paragraph. Remember KISS.
The park he could see a ways off was [s]quite[/s] nearly empty save for a handful of birds, and was that a small deer he saw?
Quite and nearly mean pretty much the same thing, so this is very redundant. Also the last part of the sentence sounds more like a thought, so I would nix that.
And then he noticed the car still parked along side the road. [s]At first he didn't think anything of it, but soon the thought of carbon monoxide poisoning crossed his mind, he tried to dismiss the thought telling himself there was surely no reason to worry. He simply couldn't put the thought out of his mind.[/s] Squinting his eyes and peering as hard as he could at the car his breathing suddenly stopped. He could just barely make out the figure of a man, slumped forward awkwardly, motionless.
Okay, so the reason why so much of this is striked through, is because it isn't important!!!! Cut to the chase, don't drag your reader along with meaningless words.
Wasting no time, Rob jumped up and sprinted out of the room, without time to spare and knowing he could already be too late he bypassed the elevator in favor of the stairs and hurried down several flight to ground level. Running through the front doors of the building he almost knocked two people over and did not spare the time to yell back an apology.
Obviously, he is in a hurry to get to the dying man, but you don't have to assault us with that fact. I would rewrite it to say something like this: Wasting no time, Rob jumped up and sprinted out of the room. He bypassed the elevator in favor of the stairs and hurried down several flights to the ground level. Running through the lobby of the building, he almost knocked two people over but did not spare the time to yell back an apology. I think that flows much better and still gets across the point that he is trying to hurry.
Down the street he ran, it seemed as if his hours in the gym had finally come to use[s], a short run later and he was at the door of the car[/s]. It was a small, white sedan, quite beaten up and seemed also to be trashed on the inside. But Rob was far to preoccupied trying to open the locked door to worry about the condition of the vehicle. [s]The door was clearly locked and he sprinted around the vehicle but to no avail, each door was locked[/s].
Again you are being redundant, giving us useless information, and letting your sentences run onto each other. If Rob is too preoccupied to notice what the car looks like, then why is it important to tell the reader what the car looks like?
With no other options available and seeing no one pulling over or coming from the office to help, Dan removed his blue jacket and wrapped it around his hand. He drew his arm back and threw a huge punch, with no effect on the [s]closed[/s] window.
Who is Dan? What happened to Rob and Sam? Also, we kind of figured the window was closed, otherwise, why would he be punching his way into the car?
Maybe more time with the weights and less running, he thought to himself. [s]Realizing he might not be able to get inside the vehicle in time [/s]The thought struck him to make a call to the police before it was too late. He quickly dialed 911.
(New Paragraph Here)“Hi, I am on Davis road near the Simply Context office building. There is someone trapped inside a car here, I am trying to get them out but don't know if I can.” He quickly hung up the phone, re-wrapped his hand and wound up for another shot.
With all his might he threw the punch and this time the window gave way. Not a epic shattering as is portrayed in so many a film, just a hole in the window not much larger than his fist and a host of long crooked lines spreading outwards from the point of impact like so many lightning bolts.
I love this description!! Number One: It is realistic, and not Hollywood cliched. Number Two: It paints a vivid image in my head. Good Job!!
Within seconds Dan had the rest of the window broken out and reached for the lock. It was stuck. Sighing heavily, he cleared away the shards of glass from the bottom of the [s]recently[/s] shattered window and reached under the man's arm pits, hooking his arms tightly around the man and pulled.
Tsk, tsk. This is one gnarly run-on sentence. And it is easily remedied. Take note of where I put periods in. Also the recently shattered window is REALLY unnecessary since we witnessed him breaking the window!
One last heave and the man's body came completely out of the window. Dan [s]fall[/s] fell backwards and the body landed on top of him, knocking his breath out.
Notice the small editing I did, that made this sentence much better.
“Thanks,” Dan gasped, [s]rolling over and[/s] feeling suddenly very dizzy and tired. He was face to face with the victim and the man was showing no signs of life. One of the officer bent over, feeling for a pulse.
“He's still here, but just barely.” The officer surmised. Standing up the officer glanced
inside the vehicle. “Hey Tom, look what I got here”.
The other officer stepped over from the side of the road where he had been waving traffic around and peered alongside his partner into the vehicle.
Okay, so this whole time that RobSamDan is trying to get this guy out of his car, no one seems to notice, or stop to help. But now suddenly, with the police on the scene, it is necessary to direct traffic? That just doesn't seem realistic.
“Now that looks like quite the pharmacy.” The officer commented, removing a handful of pill bottles from the man's car.
“And look at this.” The other man said, while removing a bundle of plastic bags from the car filled with all manner of colored powders [s]and other substances[/s].
Okay, so we already know one of the officer's names is Tom. So why don't you call the officer Tom, instead of the other man. That almost makes it sound like the victim is saying that. Also, I'm thinking that this man is some sort of drug dealer. If that is the case, then the powder would be only white, because there aren't any drugs that are colored.
(New Paragraph Here) “How ya' feeling?” Asked Dan, with a slight smile. The other man didn't reply. “You alright?” He asked, more concerned this time.
Out of nowhere the man [s]swiftly[/s] brought his tightly closed fist upwards, catching Dan right under the chin. [s]Dan didn't struggle, he wasn't out cold but severely stunned, caught completely off guard.[/s] His head was spinning, a small trickle of blood slowly drained from the corner of his mouth.
I figured RobSamDan to be a well-educated man, so this "how ya feelin'?" threw me for a loop. Dan asked instead of Asked Dan. Since the man's fist came out of nowhere, then obviously Dan is going to be caught off guard. Also, the last sentence is a fragment.
As he rose from the ground [s]a[/s] he pulled out a large knife[s], from where Dan was not sure,[/s] and moved quickly towards the two officers. Dan watched, motionless, [s]now[/s] struck mute by horror, as the man thrust the huge blade into the officer's neck. He pulled it out and repeated the process, no less than a half dozen times. The other officer had quickly moved to refuge, crouching around the corner of the car.
Okay, so no one stops to help RobSamDan pull a lifeless body out of a car, then suddenly there is a ton of traffic that has to be redirected by one of the police officers, AND THEN a crazed lunatic starts to stab the crap out of a cop and NO ONE NOTICES OR STOPS TO HELP? Seriously? This story is just slightly unrealistic.
Surely those will shots will kill him, that body wont stop those bullets. But the criminal continued his advance. His body doesn't have to, he thought bitterly, his bullet proof vest will.
So I'm confused. These are obviously the thoughts of one of the characters, but I have no idea who. Could you clarify that? Also, make sure you aren't capitalizing letters when you don't have to.
[s]As he did so he stopped,[/s] In gross fascination, [s]as[/s] he watched as the huge man literally [s]fall[/s] fell upon the officer and proceeded to [s]utterly[/s] disfigure him with his knife and fists. Dan stared motionless as all this occurred, proceeding towards the pistol only after the man had committed his terrible deed.
I would change disfigure to maim or mutilate. I think that sounds better. Also you used proceed and proceeding twice in that paragraph. This bugs me. Change proceeding to inching or crawling. Or even better, get rid of that last sentence all together.
“You wouldn't do that would you?” The evil man asked, a large grin on his face, blood all over his chest and arms and knife in hand.
If you need help with dialouge punctuation check out this article.
“Really, think about it. You saved my life, you wouldn't want to waste that now would you?"
Dan remained motionless.
I think silent is better than motionless.
“And those officers. You just watched me kill'em both without lending even the slightest hand, you've clearly chosen your side [s]now let me be[/s].”
Dan was shaking, he didn't know what to think, but at least he wasn't thinking. In that moment, gun at his fingertips, near giant standing over him, knife in hand, it was simply his most primal of instincts that took over. Survival, was the only thing coursing through his mind [s]was this[/s]. I am safer with a bullet in him, than without.
So this whole part is kind of confusing. How can he not know what to think but then not be thinking at all? Does that even make sense? In my opinion I'd just get rid of that first sentence.
Four times he pulled the trigger before finally the man stumbled backwards and dropped [s]quite[/s] heavily to the asphalt.
Heavily his hand dropped the gun on the asphalt. Crawling over to the body of the first cop he turned the body over and stared at the ghastly sight, blood everywhere, the road, the mans uniform, now Dans hands.
This is the second time you've used heavily, and I'm not really sure how you can drop something heavily. I would see if there isn't a different word that would convey this better. The second time you use body, I would change it to corpse. Finally, when you describe the blood being everywhere, you make it sound like a list that you were rambling off. I'd change that part to say something like: There was blood everywhere, all over the cop's uniform and RobSamDan's hands. Something like that.
A most somber thought began as he stared across the scene, blood, death and ruin, a police car, lights flashing, coming towards him on the road. Had I done nothing this man would [s]still[/s] be dead. [s]Only[/s] And the two officers would still be alive. Suddenly a pair of strong arms grasped him, forced him to the pavement and he felt cold steel being clamped around both his wrists. But then, thankfully, everything went dark.
Okay, so that first sentence, when he is describing the scene, it is very vague. I'd like for you to take a minute to describe exactly what death and ruin looks like. What does it smell like? Make them complete sentences and not fragments or run-ons. Why would they force him to the pavement? I thought he was already on the ground next to the police officer. Could you clarify this? Finally, I must say that I hate your ending sentence. It feels like a cop-out to me. Like why would he suddenly pass out? I think it would be a much stronger ending if you had one of the arresting officers start to recite the Miranda rights. "You have the right to remain silent." I think that would be an awesome ending, and you totally have my permission to borrow my creative genius.
Sorry, if I was really harsh, but I think that if you clean this story up that it would be fantastic. Hopefully that helped, and feel free to PM me with any questions. = )
The guy was committing suicide? *Shock* *Horror*]
]
Look foward to seeing more of your work, just try to stay on topic, and to the point!
Evil man? This isn't kiddie-fiction.
Points: 7596
Reviews: 287
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