Of Futility And Shattered Tranquility

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. But now I am here and I am ready to rip this piece to shreds. (If you don't mind.) So I really like this story, it has major potential. I just think you need to really watch your redundancies. You tend to use the same words over and over in the same sentences. Another thing you need to work on is making sure that you are showing and not telling, info dumps are bad. Also, make sure you don't change perspective, because sometimes you made it seem like Rob was the narrator and sometimes it was third person. If you want Rob's perspective just put it into thought form and make sure you italicize it. Okay and now I am going to nitpick because I just do it so well!

Rob Newmire walked from his home to his car. It was a very all-American setting. Heading out to his nine to five job, just early enough to beat the traffic and get into work on time. Behind him stood a two story, vinyl sided house, bricked around the front door, a white picket fence in front of it all. It was all too generic, but it certainly was the middle class American life.

They waved goodbye to their father as he pulled out of the driveway in his Lexus. His wife Kristy stood behind them and gave him an admiring [s]stare[/s] smile as he pulled away from the [s]home[/s] house.

Down the street he drove, slowly, as many children were already standing near the [s]street[/s] corner waiting for the bus. The sun was shining and the day seemed pleasant, it was still cold, probably below freezing yet, but the wind was still and the day beautiful.

Before traversing the [s]remaining[/s] short drive to his office, Rob took a detour and picked up a morning cup of coffee. [s]It was not his normal habit, in fact, while most the people he worked with did drink coffee he was one of the few who generally did not. Nevertheless he was especially tired this morning and needed a little energy.[/s] The stop took longer than he had anticipated [s]with so many people stopping to get their coffee before work as well[/s] and by the time he got back on the road he was already late.

Moments before pulling into the office [s]in which he worked[/s] he noticed a car parked on the curb, no flashers on and still running.

He strongly considered stopping to help the driver out with whatever seemed to be wrong and on most days he would have, but being late as he was he opted to simply hurry into work [s]and maybe his manager would be slightly less perturbed[/s].

Entering the building Rob attempted to slink to his office without the higher-ups noticing he was twenty minutes late[s] but to no avail[/s].

(New Paragraph Here)“Newmire! You're late!” His boss's voice boomed, [s]certainly[/s] loud enough half the floor heard.

“Come on boss, I've been on time everyday for the last three years and it won't happen again”.

“I don't need excuses Newmire, just get to work.” [s]And[/s] his boss stormed off. Normally [s]he[/s] Rob would have been a little angry, but he felt good today and wasn't going to let his boss ruin that.

Soon enough Sam was hard at work and had more than caught up when he decided to take a quick break at eleven. His boss gave him a little glare as he strode to the break room but he just returned with a smile and a nod. The break room was a really nice place, the fact that it represented a break probably helped with that perception but still it was decorated exquisitely, fine leather chairs, tropical plants, plush carpet and a very capable cafe which was attended to by a full time worker.

Purchasing a small glass of pop, which was far overpriced, [s]like everything available on the menu[/s], he sat down near the huge panoramic window overlooking the city. Glancing outward he [s]seen[/s] saw the sun, a beautiful radiant sphere still rising high over the city skyline [s]that seemed dwarfed in comparison[/s].

The park he could see a ways off was [s]quite[/s] nearly empty save for a handful of birds, and was that a small deer he saw?

And then he noticed the car still parked along side the road. [s]At first he didn't think anything of it, but soon the thought of carbon monoxide poisoning crossed his mind, he tried to dismiss the thought telling himself there was surely no reason to worry. He simply couldn't put the thought out of his mind.[/s] Squinting his eyes and peering as hard as he could at the car his breathing suddenly stopped. He could just barely make out the figure of a man, slumped forward awkwardly, motionless.

Wasting no time, Rob jumped up and sprinted out of the room, without time to spare and knowing he could already be too late he bypassed the elevator in favor of the stairs and hurried down several flight to ground level. Running through the front doors of the building he almost knocked two people over and did not spare the time to yell back an apology.

Down the street he ran, it seemed as if his hours in the gym had finally come to use[s], a short run later and he was at the door of the car[/s]. It was a small, white sedan, quite beaten up and seemed also to be trashed on the inside. But Rob was far to preoccupied trying to open the locked door to worry about the condition of the vehicle. [s]The door was clearly locked and he sprinted around the vehicle but to no avail, each door was locked[/s].

With no other options available and seeing no one pulling over or coming from the office to help, Dan removed his blue jacket and wrapped it around his hand. He drew his arm back and threw a huge punch, with no effect on the [s]closed[/s] window.

Maybe more time with the weights and less running, he thought to himself. [s]Realizing he might not be able to get inside the vehicle in time [/s]The thought struck him to make a call to the police before it was too late. He quickly dialed 911.

(New Paragraph Here)“Hi, I am on Davis road near the Simply Context office building. There is someone trapped inside a car here, I am trying to get them out but don't know if I can.” He quickly hung up the phone, re-wrapped his hand and wound up for another shot.

With all his might he threw the punch and this time the window gave way. Not a epic shattering as is portrayed in so many a film, just a hole in the window not much larger than his fist and a host of long crooked lines spreading outwards from the point of impact like so many lightning bolts.

Within seconds Dan had the rest of the window broken out and reached for the lock. It was stuck. Sighing heavily, he cleared away the shards of glass from the bottom of the [s]recently[/s] shattered window and reached under the man's arm pits, hooking his arms tightly around the man and pulled.

One last heave and the man's body came completely out of the window. Dan [s]fall[/s] fell backwards and the body landed on top of him, knocking his breath out.

“Thanks,” Dan gasped, [s]rolling over and[/s] feeling suddenly very dizzy and tired. He was face to face with the victim and the man was showing no signs of life. One of the officer bent over, feeling for a pulse.
“He's still here, but just barely.” The officer surmised. Standing up the officer glanced
inside the vehicle. “Hey Tom, look what I got here”.
The other officer stepped over from the side of the road where he had been waving traffic around and peered alongside his partner into the vehicle.

“Now that looks like quite the pharmacy.” The officer commented, removing a handful of pill bottles from the man's car.
“And look at this.” The other man said, while removing a bundle of plastic bags from the car filled with all manner of colored powders [s]and other substances[/s].

(New Paragraph Here) “How ya' feeling?” Asked Dan, with a slight smile. The other man didn't reply. “You alright?” He asked, more concerned this time.
Out of nowhere the man [s]swiftly[/s] brought his tightly closed fist upwards, catching Dan right under the chin. [s]Dan didn't struggle, he wasn't out cold but severely stunned, caught completely off guard.[/s] His head was spinning, a small trickle of blood slowly drained from the corner of his mouth.

As he rose from the ground [s]a[/s] he pulled out a large knife[s], from where Dan was not sure,[/s] and moved quickly towards the two officers. Dan watched, motionless, [s]now[/s] struck mute by horror, as the man thrust the huge blade into the officer's neck. He pulled it out and repeated the process, no less than a half dozen times. The other officer had quickly moved to refuge, crouching around the corner of the car.

Surely those will shots will kill him, that body wont stop those bullets. But the criminal continued his advance. His body doesn't have to, he thought bitterly, his bullet proof vest will.

[s]As he did so he stopped,[/s] In gross fascination, [s]as[/s] he watched as the huge man literally [s]fall[/s] fell upon the officer and proceeded to [s]utterly[/s] disfigure him with his knife and fists. Dan stared motionless as all this occurred, proceeding towards the pistol only after the man had committed his terrible deed.

“You wouldn't do that would you?” The evil man asked, a large grin on his face, blood all over his chest and arms and knife in hand.

“Really, think about it. You saved my life, you wouldn't want to waste that now would you?"
Dan remained motionless.

“And those officers. You just watched me kill'em both without lending even the slightest hand, you've clearly chosen your side [s]now let me be[/s].”

Dan was shaking, he didn't know what to think, but at least he wasn't thinking. In that moment, gun at his fingertips, near giant standing over him, knife in hand, it was simply his most primal of instincts that took over. Survival, was the only thing coursing through his mind [s]was this[/s]. I am safer with a bullet in him, than without.

Four times he pulled the trigger before finally the man stumbled backwards and dropped [s]quite[/s] heavily to the asphalt.

Heavily his hand dropped the gun on the asphalt. Crawling over to the body of the first cop he turned the body over and stared at the ghastly sight, blood everywhere, the road, the mans uniform, now Dans hands.

A most somber thought began as he stared across the scene, blood, death and ruin, a police car, lights flashing, coming towards him on the road. Had I done nothing this man would [s]still[/s] be dead. [s]Only[/s] And the two officers would still be alive. Suddenly a pair of strong arms grasped him, forced him to the pavement and he felt cold steel being clamped around both his wrists. But then, thankfully, everything went dark.

Haha. No that's fine ax-whatever-whatever(Do you have a name I could call you by?). It's good to come on here and hear of my many faults as a writer because it gives me something to improve upon, its a challenge. How boring would it be if I came on here and all I heard was "Your so great. Your perfect. blah blah blah." And the beauty of it is that this story will be SO EASY to improve

Hi! Here's the review... sorry I took so long!

Rob Newmire walked from his home to his car. It was a [s]very[/s][I would change this to classic] all-American setting.
Heading out to his nine to five job, just early enough to beat the traffic and get into work on
time. Behind him stood a two story, vinyl sided house, bricked around the front door, a white
picket fence in front of it all. It was all too generic, but it certainly was the middle class
American life. [This is certainly a showy paragraph. How about you describe the scene...
Rob Newmire rushed through the pouring rain to his small car. He wasn't late, but being the careful and precise man he was, being early was common-place. As he inserted the key into the small opening, he took a quick look back at his house. A two story...']
Inside stood a small boy and girl, twins, Travis and Tracy. They waved goodbye to
their father as he pulled out the driveway in his Lexus. His wife Kristy stood behind them
and gave him a admiring stare as he pulled way from the home.
Down the street he drove, slowly,[re-phrase... 'he drove slowly down the street,as many children were already waiting for the bus.' It says street twice as you've put it, and the flow is a little off.]as many children were already standing near the
street waiting for the bus. The sun was shining and the day seemed pleasant, it was still cold,
probably still below freezing[s] yet[/s], but there wan't any wind, [s]was still[/s] and the day beautiful.
Before trave[s]ling[/s]ling the remaining short drive to his office[COMMA] Rob took a detour and picked
up a [s]morning[/s] cup of coffee. It was not his normal habit, in fact, while most the people he
worked with did drink coffee[COMMA] he was one of the few who generally did not. Nevertheless he
was especially tired this morning and needed a little energy. [Do we need to know about this? You seem to put a lot of pointless things in your story right now: The wife and kids, the coffee... You don't need to put in all of these seemingly irrelevant details. Your character seems annoying to me right now XD.]The stop took longer than he had
anticipated with so many people stopping to get their coffee before work as well and by the
time he got back on the road he was already late. [Moments before pulling into the office in
which he worked he noticed a car parked on the curb, no flashers on and still running.] [This sentence puts me off. The ling and repetitiveness of some small words sound annoying...]
He strongly considered stopping to help the driver out with whatever seemed to be
wrong[COMMA] and on most days he would have, but being late as he was[COMMA] he opted to simply hurry
into work and maybe his manager would be slightly less perturbed.
Entering the building Rob attempted to slink to his office without the higher ups
noticing he was twenty minutes late but to no avail. “Newmire! Your late”. His bosses voice
boomed, certainly loud enough half the floor heard.
“Come on boss, I've been on time everyday for the last three years and it won[Apostrophe]t happen
again”.
“I don't need excuses Newmire, just get to work”. And his boss stormed off. Normally
he would have been a little angry, but he felt good today and wasn't going to let his boss
ruin that.
[Wait. I'm just going to stop you here, and ask you to read over this story. It seems... dry. You're telling us fact after fact, and I'll be hard-pressed to find a good description in here. Yes... we get it. Your character is just a normal person, which makes reading about him all the worse. I'm bored by now, and your story seems long enough to make me think that I'll be bored by the time I end it. Try to make the day more exciting, my heart rate had decreased since I started to read. So far, we have a man going to work. END OF STORY! It seems like a bad idea for a short story in my opinion. Nothing, it seems will happen to this man in due coarse, and he's a boring character. In your man about the walking stick and stout, there was a moral to the story, but so-far I have nothing. -/rant- ]
Soon enough Sam[Who is Sam??? I thought it was Rob] was hard at work and had more than caught up when he decided to
take a quick break at eleven. His boss gave him a little glare as he strode to the break room
but he just returned it with a smile and a nod. The break room was a really nice place,[Why is it nice? How does it make your character feel.? Does it remind him of home... is that why it's nice? Simply telling us it was a nice room ins't enough. We need to know more! Show us, not tell. I might direct you over to the resource forum soon. They have a good article on showing and not tel;ling.] the fact
that it represented a break probably helped with that perception but still[COMMA] it was decorated
exquisitely, fine leather chairs, tropical plants, plush carpet and a very capable cafe which was
attended to by a full time worker. [They have a cafe in their break room? What a waste of a wage!]
Purchasing a small glass of pop, which was [s]far[/s] ['expensive', 'dear', or 'very pricey' would do fine.][s]overpriced[/s], like everything available on
the menu[s],[/s]. H[s]h[/s]e sat down near the huge panoramic window overlooking the city. Glancing
outward[COMMA] he [s]seen [/s]saw the sun, a beautiful radiant sphere still rising high over the city skyline that
seemed dwarfed in comparison. The park he could see a ways off was quite nearly empty
save for a handful of birds, and was that a small deer he saw? [Okay... I'm straining myself to read the rest... Is ANYTHING going to happen?]
And then he noticed the car still parked along side the road. At first he didn't think
anything of it, but soon the thought of carbon monoxide poisoning crossed his mind, he tried
to dismiss the thought telling himself there was surely no reason to worry. He simply couldn't
put the thought out of his mind. Squinting his eyes and peering as hard as he could at the
car his breathing suddenly stopped. He could just barely make out the figure of a man,
slumped forward awkwardly, motionless. [ The guy was committing suicide? *Shock* *Horror*]
Wasting no time, Rob jumped up and sprinted out of the room, without time to spare
and knowing he could already be too late[COMMA] he bypassed the elevator in favor of the stairs and
hurried down several flights to ground level. [Wow that was a long sentence... anyway, notice the bolds ^.^? They are both in direct proximity of one another, and therefore have to be terminated!] Running through the front doors of the building
he almost knocked over two people[COMMA] [s]over[/s] and [s]did not[/s]didn't spare the time to yell back an apology.
Down the street he ran, it seemed as if his hours in the gym had finally come to use[s],[/s][Full stop, capital]
a short run later and he was at the door of the car. It was a small, white sedan, quite beaten
up and alsoseemed [s]also[/s] to be trashed on the inside. But Rob was far to preoccupied trying to
open the locked door to worry about the condition of the vehicle. [This should be a new paragraph. Unless it already is... I'm confused ]The door was clearly
locked and he [s]sprinted[/s]hopped around the vehicle[COMMA] but to no avail, each door was locked.
With no other options available[COMMA] and seeing no one pulling over or coming from the
office to help, DanDan? DAN? Schizophrenia!!?!?!] removed his blue jacket and wrapped it around his hand. He drew his
arm back and threw a huge punch, with no effect on the closed window. Maybe more time
with the weights and less running[<.< Notice the italics? <.< ] he thought to himself. Realizing he might not be able to
get inside the vehicle in time[COMMA] [s]T[/s]the thought struck him to make a call to the police[COMMA] before it
was too late. He quickly dialed 911. “Hi, I am on Davis road near the Simply Context office
building. There is someone trapped inside a car here, I am trying to get them out but don't
know if I can”. He quickly hung up the phone, re-wrapped his hand and wound up for
another shot. With all his might he threw the punch and this time the window gave way.
Not an epic shattering as is portrayed in so many[s] a[/s] films, just a hole in the window[COMMA] not much
larger than his fist and a host of long crooked lines spreading outwards from the point of
impact like so many lightning bolts. [Okay, I take back my comment earlier, but the first sentence is what gets the reader hooked, not the climax, 700 words in!]
Within seconds[COMMA] Dan[Who is this Dan character, you used rob twice and Sam once, going back to rob some time after that... again, schitzophrenia!] had the rest of the window broken out and reached for the lock, it
was stuck,[Ful stop, capital] sighing heavily he cleared away the shards of glass from the bottom of the
recently shattered window and reached under the mans arm pits, hooking his arms tightly
around the man and pulled. The limp body offered no help and Dan hardly moved it, looking
around he still saw no help coming although he thought he heard a siren a ways off. [Wait... is it just me, or could the guy have dozed off? Isn't Sam/Dan/Rob way over-reacting?]
He pulled again and the body moved just a little more, again he pulled and again the
body budged slightly. Again and again he repeated the process and slowly, inch by inch the
body was moved out the window. One last heave and the man's body came completely out of
the window,[Try and use another word for wimdow here... repitition is an autheors worts enemy XD] Dan fall backwards and the body landed on top of him[COMMA] knocking his breath out.
At the same moment a police officer and then another came sprinting forward from
their car and pulled the limp body off of Dan. “Thanks”. Dan gasped rolling over[COMMA][s]and [/s]suddenly feeling
[s]suddenly[/s] very dizzy and tired. [New paracgrph here?]He was face to face with the victim and the man was showing
no signs of life, one of the officer bent over, feeling for a pulse.
“He's still here, but just barely”. The officer surmised. Standing up the officer glanced
inside the vehicle. “Hey Tom, look what I got here”. The other officer stepped over from the
side of the road where he had been waving traffic around and peered alongside his partner
into the vehicle.
“Now[COMMA] that looks like quite the pharmacy”. The officer commented removing a handful
of pill bottles from the mans car.
“And look at this”. The other man said, while removing a bundle of plastic bags from
the car, filled with all manner of colored powders and other substances. [WOW! Detective work going on!]
While all this was going on Dan noticed the man start to come [s]a[/s]round. It began with
a flutter of the eyelids, a groan, soon he seemed quite aware and stared Dan straight in the
eyes. “How ya' feelin”? Asked Dan with a slight smile. The other man didn't reply. “You
alright”? He asked, more concerned this time. [Man, this Dan character is stupid! talking to a drug dealer/suicidist like that!]
Out of nowhere the man swiftly brought his tightly closed fist upwards, catching Dan
right under the chin. Dan didn't struggle, he wasn't out cold but severely stunned, caught
completely off guard. His head was spinning, a small trickle of blood slowly drained from the
corner of his mouth. He watched the man rise to his feet. He was a terribly large man Dan
realized now, explaining why it had been so difficult to remove him from his vehicle. As he
rose from the ground a pulled a large knife, from where Dan was not sure, and moved
quickly towards the two officers. Dan watched, motionless, now struck mute by horror, as the
man thrust the huge blade into the officers neck. He pulled it out and repeated the process,
no less than a half dozen times. The other officer had quickly moved to refuge, crouching
around the corner of the car.
The attacker started to advance around the car, holding the badly bleeding and no doubt
dying officer in front. The second officer retreated, maintaining his crouch and squeezing the
trigger to his pistol as he did so. [Wait, when did he get his pistol out?]The body of the victimized officer jerked violently with
each shot. Surely those will shots will kill him, that body won't[Oh...it should be 'wouldn't', you keep on switching tenses here XD] stop those bullets. But the
criminal continued his advance. His body doesn't have to,[italics <.<][s]H[/s][s]e[/s]he thought bitterly, his bullet proof
vest will. [And again! <.<]
Out of the corner of his eye Dan caught the gleam of a metal. The officers gun! He
had dropped while trying to pull it out as he was assailed by the attacker.[What? You shoud put 'The dead officers gun!. I didn't get that at first... I was like: What? Bt the officer just shot him!] Dan knew what he
had to do[b][COMMA] and moved for the gun[COMMA] which had slid a few feet away. As he did so[COMMA] he stopped,[Full stop.]
Transfixed[s]I[/s][s]n[/s]in gross fascination, as he watched the huge man literally fall upon the officer and proceed to
utterly disfigure him with [s]his [/s][]the[/b] knife [s]and fists[/s]. Dan stared motionless as all this occurred,
proceeding towards the pistol only after the man had committed his terrible deed.
He quickly crawled towards the weapon, the object that could be the manifestation of
the end of this nightmare. “You wouldn't do that would you”? The evil man [s]asked[/s]sneered, a large
grin on his face, blood all over his chest and arms and knife in hand.
Dan hesitated. [Wait... obviously there would be witnesses, people walking on the streets, who would do something!]
“Really, think about it. You saved my life, you wouldn't want to waste that now would
you”?
Dan remained motionless.
“And those officers. You just watched me kill'em both without lending even the
slightest hand, you've clearly chosen your side. N[s]n[/s]ow let me be”.
Dan was shaking, he didn't know what to think, but at least he wasn't thinking. In that
moment, gun at his fingertips, near giant standing over him, knife in hand, it was simply his
most primal of instincts that took over. Survival, the only thing coursing through his mind
was this[s].[/s]: I am safer with a bullet in him, than without.
And with that single thought he snatched the gun,[I thought he was already holding it!] raised it and pulled the trigger. The
only reaction from the murderous behemoth[The word seems oput of place here XD] was an awkward stare of disbelief. He pulled the
trigger again and again and again. Four times he pulled the trigger before finally the man
stumbled backwards and dropped quite heavily to the asphalt. [What about the bullet proof vestr?]
Dan stared blankly, the gun felt like a thousand pounds in his hand. Heavily his hand
dropped the gun on the concrete footpath[s]asphalt.[/s] Crawling over to the body of the first cop[COMMA] he turned [s]the
body[/s]him over and stared at the ghastly sight, blood everywhere, the road, the mans uniform, now on
Dans hands.
A most somber thought began as he stared across the scene, blood, death and ruin, a
police car, lights flashing, coming towards him on the road. Had I done nothing[COMMA] [s]this [/s]the bad guy[s]man[/s]
would still be dead[s].[/s]Not a new sentence here.] Only the two officers would still be alive. Suddenly a pair of strong arms
grasped him, forced him to the pavement and he felt cold steel being clamped around both his
wrists. But then, thankfully, everything went dark.

OKAY! Glad that's out of the way. Now we get to the:

Overall review.
The climax was good. The scene was described well and you got my attention.
Sadly, the beginging didnt. ):

POINT 1:
Your staring half of the story was packed with pointless details that made no contribution to the story, may I re-instate... "The wife, the coffee, wanting to help the man out the fist time, the boss shouting at him, the lovely staff lounge"... It was all pointless. I was really tired at the end of the first part, and I didn't want to read on. First sentences are always hard, but you have to catch the readers attention straight away. You would do well to just cut out the first half of the story, and start was he's running to save the man. Example:
He could just barely make out the figure of a man,
slumped forward awkwardly, motionless...
POINT 2:
You pack in a lot of good will that Rob/Sam/Dan has, why does he feel obliged to save a man he never knew? No-one would leave work, just because someone dozed off in thier car!
POINT 3:
Why was the guy unconscious anyway?
Was he overloaded with drugs?
If that was the case, then he wouldn't have woken up 10 seconds after being pulled out of the car.
Did he fall asleep?
If that was the case, then he would have woken up when the glass smashed.
Your story had a delicate balance that would be destroyed by questions, try to avoid this, and along with POINT 2, make the writing as believable as possible.
POINT 4:
Dan/Sam/Rob! You have a mutiple personalitied character here. You need to fix this, as the reader would be confused, Just like I was
POINT 5:
You have a really good writing style, but you don't use it as good as you could. I see potential in this peice, but You have to cut out all of it that is irrelevent, boring, dry or otherwise. Basically, start where I said, and it would be much improved.
POINT 6:
You picked a bad day to ask me for a review, I was in a pickish mood, and so I tore it to shreads! Sorry! Look foward to seeing more of your work, just try to stay on topic, and to the point!

Keep writing!

Ahh, no worries, Em, we all make silly mistakes, and yeah, reading aloud can be a life saver hehe. Anyway, I'm glad my review was helpful, and good luck writing!!
--Lucyy xx

Rob Newmire walked from his home to his car. It was a very all-American setting.


Heading out to his nine to five job, just early enough to beat the traffic and get into work on


time. Behind him stood a two story, vinyl sided house, bricked around the front door, a white


picket fence in front of it all. It was all too generic, but it certainly was the middle class


American life.


Inside stood a small boy and girl, twins, Travis and Tracy. They waved goodbye to


their father as he pulled out the driveway in his Lexus. His wife Kristy stood behind them


and gave him a admiring stare as he pulled way from the home.


Down the street he drove, slowly, as many children were already standing near the


street waiting for the bus. The sun was shining and the day seemed pleasant, it was still cold,


probably below freezing yet, but the wind was still and the day beautiful.


Before traversing the remaining short drive to his office Rob took a detour and picked


up a morning cup of coffee. It was not his normal habit, in fact, while most the people he


worked with did drink coffee he was one of the few who generally did not. Nevertheless he


was especially tired this morning and needed a little energy. The stop took longer than he had


anticipated with so many people stopping to get their coffee before work as well and by the


time he got back on the road he was already late. Moments before pulling into the office in


which he worked he noticed a car parked on the curb, no flashers on and still running.


He strongly considered stopping to help the driver out with whatever seemed to be


wrong and on most days he would have, but being late as he was he opted to simply hurry


into work and maybe his manager would be slightly less perturbed.


Entering the building Rob attempted to slink to his office without the higher ups


noticing he was twenty minutes late but to no avail. “Newmire! Your late”. His bosses voice


boomed, certainly loud enough half the floor heard.


“Come on boss, I've been on time everyday for the last three years and it wont happen


again”.


“I don't need excuses Newmire, just get to work”. And his boss stormed off. Normally


he would have been a little angry, but he felt good today and wasn't going to let his boss


ruin that.


Soon enough Sam was hard at work and had more than caught up when he decided to


take a quick break at eleven. His boss gave him a little glare as he strode to the break room


but he just returned with a smile and a nod. The break room was a really nice place, the fact


that it represented a break probably helped with that perception but still it was decorated


exquisitely, fine leather chairs, tropical plants, plush carpet and a very capable cafe which was


attended to by a full time worker.


Purchasing a small glass of pop, which was far overpriced, like everything available on


the menu, he sat down near the huge panoramic window overlooking the city. Glancing


outward he seen the sun, a beautiful radiant sphere still rising high over the city skyline that


seemed dwarfed in comparison. The park he could see a ways off was quite nearly empty


save for a handful of birds, and was that a small deer he saw?


And then he noticed the car still parked along side the road. At first he didn't think


anything of it, but soon the thought of carbon monoxide poisoning crossed his mind, he tried


to dismiss the thought telling himself there was surely no reason to worry. He simply couldn't


put the thought out of his mind. Squinting his eyes and peering as hard as he could at the


car his breathing suddenly stopped. He could just barely make out the figure of a man,


slumped forward awkwardly, motionless.


Wasting no time, Rob jumped up and sprinted out of the room, without time to spare


and knowing he could already be too late he bypassed the elevator in favor of the stairs and


hurried down several flight to ground level. Running through the front doors of the building


he almost knocked two people over and did not spare the time to yell back an apology.


Down the street he ran, it seemed as if his hours in the gym had finally come to use,


a short run later and he was at the door of the car. It was a small, white sedan, quite beaten


up and seemed also to be trashed on the inside. But Rob was far to preoccupied trying to


open the locked door to worry about the condition of the vehicle. The door was clearly


locked and he sprinted around the vehicle but to no avail, each door was locked.


With no other options available and seeing no one pulling over or coming from the


office to help, Dan removed his blue jacket and wrapped it around his hand. He drew his


arm back and threw a huge punch, with no effect on the closed window. Maybe more time


with the weights and less running he thought to himself. Realizing he might not be able to


get inside the vehicle in time The thought struck him to make a call to the police before it


was too late. He quickly dialed 911. “Hi, I am on Davis road near the Simply Context office


building. There is someone trapped inside a car here, I am trying to get them out but don't


know if I can”. He quickly hung up the phone, re wrapped his hand and wound up for


another shot. With all his might he threw the punch and this time the window gave way.


Not a epic shattering as is portrayed in so many a film, just a hole in the window not much


larger than his fist and a host of long crooked lines spreading outwards from the point of


impact like so many lightning bolts.


Within seconds Dan had the rest of the window broken out and reached for the lock, it


was stuck, sighing heavily he cleared away the shards of glass from the bottom of the


recently shattered window and reached under the mans arm pits, hooking his arms tightly


around the man and pulled. The limp body offered no help and Dan hardly moved it, looking


around he still saw no help coming although he thought he heard a siren a ways off.


He pulled again and the body moved just a little more, again he pulled and again the


body budged slightly. Again and again he repeated the process and slowly, inch by inch the


body was moved out the window. One last heave and the man's body came completely out of


the window, Dan fall backwards and the body landed on top of him knocking his breath out.


At the same moment a police officer and then another came sprinting forward from


their car and pulled the limp body off of Dan. “Thanks”. Dan gasped rolling over and feeling


suddenly very dizzy and tired. He was face to face with the victim and the man was showing


no signs of life, one of the officer bent over, feeling for a pulse.


“He's still here, but just barely”. The officer surmised. Standing up the officer glanced


inside the vehicle. “Hey Tom, look what I got here”. The other officer stepped over from the


side of the road where he had been waving traffic around and peered alongside his partner


into the vehicle.


“Now that looks like quite the pharmacy”. The officer commented removing a handful


of pill bottles from the mans car.


“And look at this”. The other man said, while removing a bundle of plastic bags from


the car, filled with all manner of colored powders and other substances.


While all this was going on Dan noticed the man start to come around. It began with


a flutter of the eyelids, a groan, soon he seemed quite aware and stared Dan straight in the


eyes. “How ya' feelin”? Asked Dan with a slight smile. The other man didn't reply. “You


alright”? He asked, more concerned this time.


Out of nowhere the man swiftly brought his tightly closed fist upwards, catching Dan


right under the chin. Dan didn't struggle, he wasn't out cold but severely stunned, caught


completely off guard. His head was spinning, a small trickle of blood slowly drained from the


corner of his mouth. He watched the man rise to his feet. He was a terribly large man Dan


realized now, explaining why it had been so difficult to remove him from his vehicle. As he


rose from the ground a pulled a large knife, from where Dan was not sure, and moved


quickly towards the two officers. Dan watched, motionless, now struck mute by horror, as the


man thrust the huge blade into the officers neck. He pulled it out and repeated the process,


no less than a half dozen times. The other officer had quickly moved to refuge, crouching


around the corner of the car.


The attacker started to advance around the car, holding the badly bleeding and no doubt


dying officer in front. The second officer retreated, maintaining his crouch and squeezing the


trigger to his pistol as he did so. The body of the victimized officer jerked violently with


each shot. Surely those will shots will kill him, that body wont stop those bullets. But the


criminal continued his advance. His body doesn't have to, He thought bitterly, his bullet proof


vest will.


Out of the corner of his eye Dan caught the gleam of a metal. The officers gun! He


had dropped while trying to pull it out as he was assailed by the attacker. Dan knew what he


had to do and moved for the gun which had slid a few feet away. As he did so he stopped,


In gross fascination, as he watched the huge man literally fall upon the officer and proceed to


utterly disfigure him with his knife and fists. Dan stared motionless as all this occurred,


proceeding towards the pistol only after the man had committed his terrible deed.


He quickly crawled towards the weapon, the object that could be the manifestation of


the end of this nightmare. “You wouldn't do that would you”? The evil man asked, a large


grin on his face, blood all over his chest and arms and knife in hand.


Dan hesitated.


“Really, think about it. You saved my life, you wouldn't want to waste that now would


you”?


Dan remained motionless.


“And those officers. You just watched me kill'em both without lending even the


slightest hand, you've clearly chosen your side now let me be”.


Dan was shaking, he didn't know what to think, but at least he wasn't thinking. In that


moment, gun at his fingertips, near giant standing over him, knife in hand, it was simply his


most primal of instincts that took over. Survival, the only thing coursing through his mind


was this. I am safer with a bullet in him, than without.


And with that single thought he snatched the gun, raised it and pulled the trigger. The


only reaction from the murderous behemoth was an awkward stare of disbelief. He pulled the


trigger again and again and again. Four times he pulled the trigger before finally the man


stumbled backwards and dropped quite heavily to the asphalt.


Dan stared blankly, the gun felt like a thousand pounds in his hand. Heavily his hand


dropped the gun on the asphalt. Crawling over to the body of the first cop he turned the


body over and stared at the ghastly sight, blood everywhere, the road, the mans uniform, now


Dans hands.


A most somber thought began as he stared across the scene, blood, death and ruin, a


police car, lights flashing, coming towards him on the road. Had I done nothing this man


would still be dead. Only the two officers would still be alive. Suddenly a pair of strong arms


grasped him, forced him to the pavement and he felt cold steel being clamped around both his


wrists. But then, thankfully, everything went dark.

Thank you very much for the reviews. Uh... Ya, the weird paragraph thing is courtesy of my word processor. More precisely it is courtesy of copy and pasting from the WP to the topic here, something to do with the page dimensions? I am not sure. As for the different name thing: I would love to come on here and tell you it was all some sort of weird clue system or some BS like that. Unfortunately I am too thoroughly embarrassed to tell such a lie. I once heard that stupid mistakes like that can be helped by reading ALOUD to yourself, maybe I should try it.

MVP

PS And the "all too generic" line I felt was necessary b/c otherwise I get people telling me just that: Its too generic/change something. So I was pointing out that that was exactly as stated. Make sense? If not thats my bad.

Heyy there, Em, I am here as requested and this is your second review for this piece!! *high fives*

Anywhooo, back to the serious business, I've enclosed a word document with my edits/suggestions etc, and now I will go through the whole thing with you - I'll try not to babble

Paragraph Structures
First off, I have to agree with Ihigton, why do you have to have a new paragraph for every line?: it makes the whole thing hard to read, and can be a put off for potential readers, which we certainly don't want!! Anyway, it is entirely up to you how you present your work, as after all it is your work (just thought I'd point out the obvious =P ), but it's just a little thought for you. Anyway, back to the rest of the review...

Sentence Structures
You need to work on how your sentences are structured, and the whole grammar (very boring, I know) thing. You just need to read through your work to see whether those commas do fit there, or if they need replacing with a full stop, semi-colon, colons... I've edited through your piece, which should hopefully show you what I mean and help you out (:

Speech
You seemed to end speech like so: "Hello, there".
It should be: "Hello, there."
See the difference?

That fun grammar!! =P
Also, I’m going to give you a little grammar lecture (don’t get too excited! =P) on when to end your speech in full stops instead of commas, so here goes … (:
“I don’t know.” He shrugged – I have ended this speech in a full stop (or an exclamation/question mark if necessary) as the speech is followed by an action. Also, when a speech is followed by an action, the start of the following word must be capitalized.
“Let’s see,” she said – this speech is ended in a comma, as you’re describing how the speech was said. Also, when the following words after a speech are describing the speech, the first word must never be capitalized, even if the speech ends in an exclamation/question mark. For example:
“I don’t know!” she shouted.
My grammar lecture has now ended (: I hope everything made sense to you =D

Sam, Rob, or Dan?
You used three names for the same character, which is totally confusing: you need to choose one name and stick with it!! (:

Overall Views
I thought that this was an interesting piece, and with extra work (and your potential) it can be amazing, which I know it will be in the end!!
I really hope this review helped you out, and if you have any further questions etc please don't hesitate to PM me as I'll be more than happy to help!!

Keep writing!!
--Lucyy

Why the separate paragraph for every line??? It's a real challenge for my poor eyeballs...
Right, now I've got that little grumble out of the way, onwards with the story!

Nit-picks

Behind him stood a two story, vinyl sided house

It was all too generic, but it certainly was the middle class American life.

he sun was shining and the day seemed pleasant, it was still cold, probably below freezing yet, but the wind was still and the day beautiful.

Your late

“Come on boss, I've been on time everyday for the last three years and it wont happen again”.

Glancing outward he seen the sun,

But Rob was far to preoccupied

Again and again he repeated the process and slowly, inch by inch the body was moved out the window.

the man's car

As he did so he stopped, In gross fascination, as he watched the huge man literally fall upon the officer and proceed to utterly disfigure him with his knife and fists.

The evil man asked