Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I told her I loved her on the fourth of July,
A few days later I watched her die.
-
Precious time we should have wasted,
Instead the precious thing I bedded.
-
I was the gorgeous girls very first,
Alas, she was not the only to slake my thirst.
-
It may seem a rather odd thing to think,
But a girl like that you'd take as your only drink.
-
The stars faded dim behind fireworks,
Bright bursts illuminated our lustful smirks.
-
"Will you love me forever?" she asked,
"I'll love you long after this life has passed."
-
But the winds of fate blew strong and terrible,
And stole from me my perfect betrothal.
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She entered my life with a smile and a blush,
And Goddammit she left with a kiss and a rush.
-
The driver said he never saw,
I could not argue, it was law.
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She was stole from me,
But did not die immediately.
-
She had the time to smile,
She stayed with me a while.
-
I reminded her she could not leave,
She breathed heavy and begged for reprieve.
-
I said "don't leave me."
She said "unwillingly."
-
"Don't break your promise."
"Please hold me blameless."
-
The life slipped from my only care,
Her eyes fluttered, I whispered a prayer.
-
The breath left her, I was alone.
T'was not his fault, not his to atone.
-
An accident was all,
All it took to watch her fall.
-
And there she lay dead and cold,
Now I’m alone until I’m old.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Heya EmmVeePi!!
This is Eros here to review your work!!
This work was a great piece. I loved it. I appreciate that you have used a rhyme scheme without breaking the link of meaning. I liked the words you have used to describe everything. It was sad and emotional. The theme was awesome, and the presentation was good too. The idea was unique. The words used were heavy and impressive.
Keep writing!!
Never cease...
Because we all love to read artistic works like this one!
Have a nice day/ night!
Yo!
*wolf whistles* God this was so good!!! How did I managed to not know that something this good even existed? Seriously wats wrong with me?
Anyway back to the review...
Speaking the truth... The first two lines did the work for me... They really had the greatest impact!
Also the fact whatnot all the lines are rhyming is good... It shows that whatever you wrote came straight from your hurt!
Overall this was a lovely poem( ahem no offence to your feelings, but this was really beautiful) you seriously do nice rhyming!
FD46~
This is Yams here for a review!
The first two lines rhymed well, and it made them stronger. So why didn't you rhyme with the all of the lines? I feel like if you're going to be doing rhyming poem, it has to pretty much all rhyme. And if you're not rhyming, not at all.
As In said about the rhyming of the first two lines, it was strong. Other lines in the poem that rhymed felt forced, some didn't, some did.
Some of the words in this poem aren't used with maximum potential. In poetry, instead of say, "happy" say something like "bliss" or "joyous". The two words mean the same, but the two of them are more powerful than a simple "happy".
Your poem has no stanzas so I'm going to assume the Yws publishing center swallowed them and drop this link to help you:
How to Format Poetry
Have a great day!
WOW!! This is poem is amazing. I have to admit that this is probably one of the best poems I will read on YWS. It was wonderful how you used certain adjectives and pronouns that no one has used since the early 1900's. It is really wonderful how people can write such beautiful pieces.Please,please keep writing because this is a wonderful piece.
Thx I appreciate it
I'm not a poet and I don't plan to be able to try and critic the writing of one but I would like to give a few comments on it. I do like the poem and it is full of beauty and emotion. The key thing that does confuse me a bit is the language you use to create the poem. Some words in this seem a little outdated but truthfully I like it. Do not become discouraged over so few mistakes because your poem is truly the start of something. Keep writing!
Thx for the read
Hey, EmmVeePi. Just decided to drop by and leave you with a review (since no one else has... I'm the first yay!) Anyway, I liked reading this poem. It wasn't a waste of time... which is usually the case honestly I don't spend time reading things that aren't worth while and this was well worth the time. The format was a little long cause of all the spacing but it made it easy to follow.
I spotted some things I think you missed though.
I think you meant to put "one" after "only".
"Stolen" instead of "stole"
I don't have any other comments or corrections. This was kind of sad to read though. You had your girl for a sort while to fill a desire then you lost her afterwards. I guess it's a lesson learned in only a sort amount of time. Well, I hope this review was worth reading... hahaha.
Keepwriting and never get discouraged!
I'm sorry. I've tried and tried to figure out the formatting. It even came out right on my preview. I guess I'm just not smart enough. Anyways they are two line stanzas if that helps.