Young Writers Society

Hey there! Fangirl here!
This was really awesome. (no offence made for your feelings...it's definitely sad. But your poem is awesome!)
The flow was just magical... And it's like the first time in a while I've seen a rhyming poem with such an awesome flow!
Dude seriously, I don't think I need to point things cause I believe people before me already did that for you!
But still I would like to point our all the things that I like....
Rhyming is perfect
Font is good
Line breaking is just appropriate
No grammatical error... which is good
And uh the list goes on...

But anyway... I loved ur work... And uh I'm sorry for you

FD46~

Hey Emmveepi!

What I enjoyed about the poem was the progression from the narrator's place in the beginning: knowing that s/he loves him, wishing and longing for him; to the resolution in the end-- regretting what s/he has not done. I like how you ended with "wish that I had been so bold" as it really ties that together well.

One thing that I would like to see as far as improvement with this piece is to work out the pacing. While I did like the progression - I thought the journey itself felt a little drawn out and shallow. For example:

1st couplet: We have the affirmation of the narrator's love for the subject "you"

2nd couplet: We have further information of the narrator's unrequited love

3rd couplet: We have first introduction of looking back with regret

^ Here, I wonder if it's not possible that we can't just condense the idea of the narrator's regretful unrequited love into one line or couplet? The drawing out of these ideas into 3 couplets/6 lines makes it sort of slow and heavy at the top.

4th couplet: We have information of the subject's "real" love; their happiness elsewhere

Another improvement I would like to see possibly starting with this stanza is to have you show us these scenes, rather than tell us. Perhaps by incorporating images in your poem, so as to make the reader take the journey along with the narrator. Things like incorporating words to describe the 5 senses: sight, sound, smell, sound, feeling -- all of these things will help us fall into the poem, and connect just a bit more.

Other than those two things, which I admit, can be quite a long bit of revision within themselves - I'd say you did a great job with the flow and rhythm. Well done. Let me know if you wish to chat this one out a bit more, or if you need any other help or advice.

~ As always, Audy

Hey there! Here to respond to your review request. Sorry it took so long. No internet can do a lot to a person.

Since this is a poem I review it differently.

Well the theme is nice but the rhyme, as mentioned below, is kinda forced. I like the first line

"I know that I'm the one for you"

The 7th stanza is not actually a rhyme. You just have 'are' twice.

Well this is a pretty good poem with a popular theme. The only thing you need to work on is the rhyme so it flows more smoothly. Good job!

~lost

Hi EmmVeePi!

There are a few lines in here that I really like. Two lines in particular that caught my eye were:

You were the one that got away,

Still never from my thoughts you stray.

I see you now and then as happy as you are,

And I am happy but far from my heart you never are.

Your tender body close to mine,

how I ever let it slip away it seems a crime.

Nice poem, I particularly like the flow of it and the natural rhyming; a lot of poems written by young writers on the subject of love and heartbreak seem to make the rhyme and rhythm kind of forced, but this generally flowed nicely. Ones that I especially liked were the lines; "I know that I'm the one for you/I know I love you through and through" and "I wish I was him, I wish she were mine./I could've told you this if given the time", again they just go so nicely with each other and fit with the rhythm. There were the odd spelling mistakes and capitalization errors here and there; such as 'site' instead of 'sit', and the way some lines did not have capital letters at the beginnings unlike all the other lines-these, however are quite minor and can be edited easily. There was also the couplet "And now you look at him with so much love,/And she looks like him who once was above" which I would personally change, as the use of love/above to rhyme in poems is rather overused and a little clichéd; this, however, is your own decision-many famous songwriters use it and get away with it! All in all, a good poem with nice use of rhyme and rhythm. Keep up the good work!

Nice nice nice. Even though i am a guy reading this, i cant help but fall for it. Am not going to correct you much but just say that you might want to divide it into stanzas because its easier to read that way. And good work with the rhyming...really gets people happy. Keep writing.