"I love the smell of freshly made coffee in the morning..." Olie said as he slowly sipped his coffee. "Just like Mother used to make..." He got up and walked to his couch and turned on the news. An AMBER ALERT was being announced. "Last night, two teenagers went missing, the houses were filled with syringes, an unknown drug was contained in them. Also two notes have been found recently, the kidnapper wants $10,000,00 for the return of only ONE the young ones. We will be following this story for the rest of the day, if anything new happens, we will update you on the situation." Olie's phone rang. It was Emerald. "Yo man, have you seen Purple at all today? When I went to his house all the doors were locked up, also, have you seen Ian?" Olie looked up at the TV for a second and looked back down at his phone. "I think I might have a clue were they are..."
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OLIE
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Olie get caught off gaurd when the news reporter talked about a dog killing its owner. "A dog had just killed its owner a couple of minutes ag- Wait, just got a report of another dog- Another?" Olie looked down at his dog, starting to growl. "Get out of the neighborhood, now!" Olie's dog leaped onto him, trying to take bite a chunk of his neck. He struggled to hold the dog back, he didn't want to hurt it. "Max, don't make me do this!" Olie yelled. The dog didn't stop. Olie then took his hands and put them around the dogs neck. And with a twist with his hands, the dog was dead. As he stood up, he could hear dogs barking outside, screaming, shots being fired. He peaked out his window to see groups of SWAT shooting down hordes of vicious ravage dogs. It was a depressing sight. Olie has had enough. "This shit's gone to far, the could of only happened because of a human, but who..." Olie ran to his room and looked at the files of the now dropped mission, to find the killer. He see's a house, an old, olive green, abandoned house. He heard someone tried to break in there. That was his first objective, search the abandoned house.
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PURPLE
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Purple wakes up, tied to a share and gagged. He looked to his left to see Ian, the police officer he seen before, tied up too. A man enters the room their sitting in, his voice was deep, almost unrealistic. The man was carrying a bag with SHARP needled syringes, each filled with a white substance. The needle was at least a foot long. He walked over to Purple and shoved it forcefully into his wrist. Purple tried to scream in pain, but unfortunately, its just came out as a loud "Mppphh!". The man pulled it out quickly and did the same procedure with Ian. The man started to exit the room. He had apparently dropped a syringe and it broke into shards of glass. After the man left, Purple reached for one of the glass shards. He managed to grab it and cut him self loose. He did the same with Ian. They both made a weak homemade knife out of the glass, not a great achievement for them. As soon as they were about to leave, the room they were in was filled with gasses. They both passed out.
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JIMMY
-----|
FILE CORRUPTION DETECTED...
ATTEMPTING TO REPAIR...
REPAIR PARTIALLY SUCCESSFUL!
ACCESS DENIED...
----|
OLIE
----|
The screams haven't stopped, gunshots still being fired, it seems like the madness might never end. Olie pulled up the street were the abandoned house was. He rushed up to it and noticed that the door was hanging by a hinge. Olie pulled his gun out of his holster and slowly checked the house for others in it. It was clear. Olie spent sometime there, he found allot of information that he would regret finding. He also found a piece of paper with 10 symbols on it. Something he quickly noticed was that the symbols were zodiacs. They also even had the Chinese years listed. Olie's phone rang, it was Emerald. "Dude! What the hell is wrong with those damn dogs!" "I don't know Emerald, I had to put mine down, i'm not hearing as much barking as earlier, I think the other cops have taken care of it" Olie was getting a call from a fellow police officer. "Hey, we're having a shoot out with some masked maniac, could use some back up!" Olie rushed back to his car, he could hear an explosion in the distance, it was the police station. "Well, shit's really hitting the fan now"
---|
IAN
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[ERROR LOADING INFORMATION]
-------|
RZRENYQ PNAG OR GEHFGRQ
-------|
"C4 charges have been placed, light it up" Bullets flew across the street, nearly hitting the man in the mask. A loud explosion could be heard from across the town, the police station was now just a bunch of rubble, prisoners run free, tripping as they run for cover. The masked man spotted a grenade launcher in the police car he was using as cover. He broke the glass that was already slightly broken and grabbed the heavy weapon on the inside. He stood up from behind his cover, aiming the launcher right at the blockade of police and swat cars. "SEE YOU IN HELL!" He pulled the trigger and the explosive flew across towards the cars. It exploded on impact when it hit the armored vehicles. Debris went flying and not a single cop was seen. Helicopters swarmed the area, one was still heading his way. He pulled out a rope with a hook attached to the end and threw it onto the heli that flew right above him. The rope hooked on and he chased after it, he was taking a bunch of fire. He managed to grab onto the rope and pull himself up into the helicopter. He pulled out a satchel charge and threw it onto the helicopters on his tail. He grabbed the detonator and pulled the trigger. "SEE YA LATER ASSHOLES!"
[OPENING AUDIO LOGS...]
[OLIE] What the hell is this thing?
[OFFICER] Well its a container, that's for sure...
[OLIE] That's not even glass, its some sort of sludge? OW! SHIT! THAT BURNS!
[OFFICER] Haha! Why would you even touch it?
[OLIE] I DIDN'T KNOW IT WOULD BE HOT! SHIT!
[OFFICER] Dude, quite down, we down want to be caught.
[???] Too late.
[OLIE] OH SHIT!
*Glass shatters in background*
[OFFICER] Did that shit just break!?!
[OLIE] PUT THAT MASKED IDIOT DOWN!
[MASKED MAN] I wouldn't want to try that if I were you.
*Gun shot*
[OLIE] SHIT! WERE THE FUCK DID HE GO! LOOK FOR THIS BASTARD!
*Sounds of small children laughing*
[MASKED MAN] WHY WOULD YOU DESTROY THAT CONTAINER! YOU'VE JUST DOOMED US AL- ARRGHH!!!
[OLIE] SHIT! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! LETS GO!
[OFFICER] FUCK! SOMETHINGS GOT HOLD OF ME!
[OLIE] THEIRS NOTHING THEIR! LETS GO!
[OFFICER] ARGH!!!
[END OF AUDIO FILE]
[Next chapter, CANT BE TRUSTED]
Hint: I love Gravity Falls... Whats the name of that cipher they used? "3 _______ Back"?
Note: This story has NOTHING to do with Gravity Falls, its just a HINT.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hey Emerald!
Finally got around to reviewing this, and wow... Lots going on! XD I really like it but there's just so much happening that it can be a little overwhelming. Great story though!
Now let's get to the grammar stuff, shall we?
It would be more realistic if you wrote it as “Two notes have also been found...” and changed the “ONE” from capitalized to italicized.
“Where”, not “were”. Easy fix though.
Whoa! XD Did this sentence just trip on its face? I believe you meant “got” rather than “get”, and you misspelled “guard” as “gaurd”.
I'd change “with” to “of”. There also might be an even better word to use than “twist”, can't think of any at the moment though...
Let's put a comma after “vicious” and make it “hordes of vicious, ravage dogs”, alright?
Your word tense keep changing, I know that it can be difficult to keep a constant tense at times, but you might want to look over this again and fix any such mistakes. Here you should change “has” to “had”, making it “Ollie had had enough” (yes that is grammatically correct
“Too far” not “to far”. Good use of an apostrophe in your expletive though XD
I think you meant “this”. Also, I see this mistake far too often... I know that it sounds like “could of” but it's either “could've” or “could have”.
The previous sentence had “ran”, past tense. This sentence has “sees”, present tense. You should change one of them to the other tense in order to even out the word tenses.
Similar mistake here. You used present tense (wakes up) here but in the next sentence you used past tense (looked).
“He'd seen before” or “he had seen before”. Even better, change “seen” to “encountered” or “been confronted by”.
Gotta even out that word tense. Also this is the incorrect form of there, their, or they're for this situation. Here you would want “they're”, meaning “they are” or, possibly, “they were”.
Also, cut off the sentence before “his voice”, making this one sentence two separate ones. It should flow better.
I'd suggest changing this sentence to “The man quickly pulled it out and performed the same procedure on Ian,” or keep “the man pulled it out quickly” but change the rest.
“Himself”.
Try “they used the glass shards to craft a makeshift knife”. They aren't exactly at home, so it can't be “homemade”, can it?
“They were in” isn't really necessary here.
“The screams hadn't stopped...”, “it seemed like the madness...”, and “where the abandoned house was”.
“Olie pulled his gun from its holster and slowly check the house for any inhabitants” might be a better substitute for this sentence.
“Olie spent some time there and found a lot of information...” works much better. Note my change of “sometime” to “some time” (might not be correct but I believe it is) and “allot” to “a lot” (this is definitely correct
Capitalize the 'I' in “i'm” and separate dialogue into different paragraphs. For example:
Change that to this:
I added “he shouted through the phone” as a suggestion to clear up the separation but it isn't necessary nor am I saying you should add it. You absolutely can if you want to, though.
You used “run” twice here, far too close. Try changing one to another, similar word. Perhaps “sprint” or “dash” or even “rushed”. Yeah, “rushed for cover” should work...
Capitalize “swat”, even if it isn't necessary to capitalize it you did so earlier in the story so you might as well now.
This is a little difficult to digest, try “He pulled the trigger and the explosive flew down the street, aiming for the cars”.
“It exploded on impact with the armored vehicles” would work better.
This should be “Well, it's a container, that's for sure...”
I've been having trouble typing “quiet” correctly recently, so I caught this easily
(Change “quite down” to “quiet down”)
“SOMETHING'S”, you can't forget the apostrophe there.
Wrong there/their/they're again. Here it should be “There's nothing there! Let's go!”
And, finally, “can't”.
Whew! That was a lot of grammar correcting. I skimmed over some word tense mistakes because I was too lazy to pick out each and every one but you should take some time to dig them out.
Once again, great story. The expletives are a bit much but the story itself is good enough that I can ignore them.
Keep writing!
-Jules
Wow, allot of grammar mistakes xD
I'm hoping the next chapter isn't this bad
I'm sure you'll improve, and yes, a lot XD
That review was more than 4300 characters.
Should be "Wow, a lot of grammar mistakes xD"
Hello, Kanome here with a review.
Wow, this chapter escalated quickly. First, Olie was sitting on his couch, enjoying his wonderful coffee and television, and next thing I knew, he's out to save his friends from kidnappers. Talk about a Paradigm Shift! ( I learned that in English class.. )
I just want to say that the formatting seems weird...
this is only a suggestion but, you should make the chapters in a way where you can do each characters POV. For example, in this chapter, this could've been all about Olie's POV. Then, the next chapter you write, Purple's POV. See what I mean?
I didn't see anything grammatically wrong with this chapter.
It's just the formatting and paragraphs that need to be worked on.
Other than that, this is pretty interesting. Keep writing, I want to read more.
Keep up the great work!
Kanome - Team Ketchup :3
Hi, there! Happy Review Day.
Sorry, I haven't read the first part, so pardon me if I accidently touch upon something that has happened/been done in the previous part.
So! The first thing I'd like to touch upon is your paragraphs. The size of your paragraphs. Consider splitting them up more appropriately, they're rather large.
Okay, so, the major thing I wanted to tell you in this review is your pace. Yes, this is an action story, and action stories are fast-paced. But you can't just skip along. It needs to be thrilling, exciting, but a consistent pace all at the same time. (I don't write action stories-so this may not be exceptional advice.)
Hmm... So at the end. I'm not entirely sure what the "Audio Logs" are? Is this something I missed in part 1? Make sure your readers know everything that's going on.
This is an interesting story so far, please keep up the chapters!
~ EternalRain - Team Ketchup
PS - might wanna rate this work 16+ or 18+ for language. Also, you're twelve? >.< Language....
Thanks for the tips! And the audio logs you'd understand more if your read the first chapter , the WHOLE story is basically a bunch of files. And yes, I have colorful vocabulary xD
Ah, I see. I had a feeling it was based on the first chapter. Yes, yes, very colorful.