Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Many citizens live here in the Town Of Death, many average, many secretive, many dangerous. Out of the 100 people in the town only 5 people stand out. Emerald, Purple, Olie, Ian, and Jimmy. Emerald is a young teenager, likes to party but can sometimes be secretive. Purple is in his mid teens and can sometimes be very dull, he also allows Emerald to live with him because he doesn't have a home. Olie is a cop that is trying to figure out who murdered his wife and son, the case was dropped but he still secretly looks into it today. Ian is another police officer in the area, he's had bad experiences with murders happening around in the town, most of them ending up being someone he knew. Jimmy is a shy teen, he is barely seen around the town and if he is he doesn't talk and most of the time just walks away. Also really secretive. The FBI have marked these fellows as PRIME SUSPECTS. Its been a long time since those murders have happened, the FBI eventually didn't put much time into the investigation. These murders happen to this very day.
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|PURPLE|
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"This town is a wreck" Purple said driving up the driveway to his house. "All these tornadoes, floods, earthquakes, whats next? The goddamn volcano erupting?" He looked up towards the tall, steep rigged mountain, smoke rising from the opening on the top. He parked his car in the garage and walked up to the door. He knocked. A green haired man wearing a top hat opened the door. "Yo Purpz" The man said. "Hey Emerald..." Purple shut the door behind him as he walked in. He walked tiredly to the couch and sat down and turned the TV on. "Hey, Purple?" Emerald asked. "Yes?" He replied. "Some guy was here looking for you, he said since you weren't here he would just meet you at the church" Purple looked down at his watch, it was getting pretty late for going back out again. "Is it urgent?" Purple asked. "The man was panicking so yeah, probably" Purple stared down at his watch again and then towards his bedroom. "Ugh, fine" Purple headed back out the door. "Hey, want to take my car?" Emerald asked. Purple looked back at him, and nodded.
"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A GODDAMN STICK-SHIFT!" Purple yelled as he speed-ed and swerved past a cop. The cop in the car sprang up and threw his foot onto the gas peddle. The cop turned on his sirens. It took Purple a while to stop the car because of the stick shift. Purple rolled down his window and the cop peered at him with anger. "Um, hehe, hello there officer, was I speeding? Heh," The cop looked at him more furiously than before. He wrote down at least 5 tickets. "So, you ran 4 red lights, 2 stop signs, and didn't pull over when I turned my sirens on" Purple looked down at the tickets and looked back up at the cap. "I don't know how to drive a stick shift?" "Don't give a shit" The cop replied. Purple looked back down at the tickets and once again back at the cop. "Hey, you look like your a new cop, am I correct?" Yes, I was transferred here from a small town called Pacifico in California" The cop replied. "Damn, isn't that a bit far from here in Florida?" "It is, but I honestly like it better down here" "Hey, didn't catch your name by the way"Purple asked the cop. "Names Ian" "I'm Purple" Purple responded. "Oh, I forgot, I have to go meet someone, its getting pretty late and I'm getting tired" The cop looked down at the tickets he gave to Purple. "And I'll make sure I pay the tickets"
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IAN
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As Purple headed off to the church, Ian went on with a patrol around the neighbor hood. Eventually he got a call from a resident named Jimmy that he saw someone with a mask on breaking into an old abandoned house. "The house is on Gravity Street, the house is painted a dark green and the paint looks like its starting to peel, and you should hurry, he just entered the house" "I'm heading there now, stay inside and be safe" Ian hung up the phone and sped off towards the old abandoned house.
Ian parked a block away so he wouldn't be seen. He ran towards the abandoned house with his gun drawn. As soon as he reached the door, the ground shook and the tornado sirens went off. "AW SHIT" He said aloud. He ran back towards his car but then noticed the someone took it. A mask lay on the ground next to it. "Shit," He said to him self. He started to head off to the public shelter when a car pulled up with a man i it. "Hop in!"
It was a long ride to the shelter, at least 30 minutes. There wasn't anytime to get to the shelter so they took cover in the prison hidden under the police station. "So, never got your name" Ian said to the man. "Names Jimmy, moved here a couple of weeks ago, lots of disasters have been happening here, not the safest neighbor hood, is it?" "It hasn't always been like this, the town wouldn't be quite and uneventful, now we're having 3 earthquakes a day, just started too" Ian responded. "I wonder how long this damn tornado is gonna last..."
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OLIE
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Olie, another officer sat down at his desk and read over some classified FBI files about the murders of his wife and son. The FBI closed the case after 3 years of searching for the killer, but Olie never stopped. He stared down at a picture, it was partially burnt and smudged, he could make out a knife that was a bright crimson red. He took the picture and pinned it onto his pin board above his desk. Olie looked down at his watch, noticing it was close to 3 AM and decided to get some sleep. He headed off for his bedroom and went to sleep.
The next morning Olie woke up and yawned. "Good morning Max," He said as he patted his dogs head. "Time to flip on the news". He reclined him self on the couch and turned on the news. "This morning a chain of murders have happened, each one being more brutal than the next" Olie leaned in closer to the television. "A man was found drowned in a pool with a knife in his throat, another man was found hanged by a noose on a tree, but a knife stabbed right into where one of his lungs where. And finally, a woman was found dead laying on a bed in her house, she was cut open and had her baby cut out of here. Here are pictures of the three that where murdered". Olies eyes widened. The woman that had been killed was one of Olies family members, it was his mother. "Cops have already are in the process of gathering DNA and bagging up the bodys, we are waiting for more information to be released by the police" Olie flipped of the TV and rushed to his car. "No FUCKING way" He yelled as he slammed his car door shut. His phone rang, it was Emerald. He picked up his phone. "Hey man, kind of doing something right now" He held back his tears. "I saw what was on the news, was that your mother?" "Yes, it was, i'm heading to the scene now" Olie responded. "I'm going to!" "No, you stay inside, its not safe here anymore, stay safe, have your gun on you" Olie sped off to his mothers house.
He parked his car outside of the block because it was on total lock down, SWAT was there, just packing up to leave. Cops where there searching the house. And there it was, two cops carrying a body bag out of the house. "No!" Olie ran into the locked down area. SWAT members told him to halt but he kept running. He made it to the two officers carrying the bag. "Let me see her" He said panting. The officers looked at him strangely but didn't stop him from opening up the bag. It was way worse than how the media described it. Olie gagged along with the police officers. Olie couldn't hold his tears back anymore. "I'll find this man, and i'll make sure when he dies he will go and burn in hell!"
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JIMMY
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[CORRUPTION DETECTED]
[CAN NOT LOAD FILE]
[ATTEMPTING TO RECONSTRUCT]
...........................................................FAILED
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EMERALD
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"Another earthquake?" Emerald said to himself. "No... A TORNADO IS COMING!" Emerald called city hall as quick as he could and told them to sound the sirens. The whole town was in panic, the tornado obliterated the shelter and everything else pretty much fell down to hell. Emerald stood in the middle of the street scared and confused. Purple sped off in his car, to the police station. Emerald looked around, no one is sight, just the sounds of screams and death. Emerald looked over towards Olies house. Than looked over to Purple's house. Than looked over to Ian's house. "I'm sorry Ian, I'm sorry Olie, They took me, and their back, and they have me again..."
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CORRUPTION
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HE'S STILL IN OUR GRASP
[Well, that was part one to my new series, if you enjoyed THE HEIST than I guess you would be sad to hear the i'm not continuing on the story anymore, I'm going to be focusing on this story now, but hey, I might continue THE HEIST after iv'e finished this series. WELL, hope you enjoyed this, It was short, yes I know, but this was more of a teaser I guess you could say, just something to show the basic plot of the story. Oh well, I hope you'll be back for part two of The Case Of The Sleepy Neighborhood Named Death, see ya later!]
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
I think I would definitely be interested in reading more of this story. The dialogue was a little hard to pick apart and figure out who was talking to who. Overall I think its a solid idea. There were a lot of places in this that made me giggle pretty hard. I really love the different characters perspectives and the way you've been able to tie them together! Keep at it!
It seems to be a bit all over the place. Going from person to person, could eventually confuse the reader. If you wanted to show different peoples side of things, do it by chapters. Start a chapter about your main character then put " ...." to separate them and start with someone else. Focus on someone for a longer period of time, but not too long. You want to give the reader a bit of background of each character that is important in the story.
My novel series I'm writing i did the first chapter about the main character and the second about another main character. I hope you understand where I'm getting at.
Other than that, i quite enjoyed it. I like how you have many characters being portrayed at different times. If you took in advice about what i said... I'd be really glad to read the rest of the series.
I'm planning on doing what you said, I've had another review talking about that so i'm most definately going to do that
Thanks for the advice! 
This was amazing!
You've got plenty of characters and eyes to describe the story through, plenty of character interaction already, and tons of action. Unlike some other works I've read this kept me interested completely throughout.
Now for some more technical things. First off, please please please separate your dialogues! When another character begins talking you need to start a new paragraph. I know that with YWS's draft format the spacing seems way too far apart (at least to me) but it makes the story flow more smoothly.
As for grammar and punctuation, you made a few mistakes but not many. One was when Purple asked Ian if he was new to the area:
You forgot to put a quotation mark at the beginning of Ian's reply
you also didn't separate the monologues.Another punctuation mistake I noticed was when Olie pats his dog's head, you forgot an apostrophe (dog's):
Also, the first he doesn't need to be capitalized as the whole sentence is:
There were a few more mistakes but I'm tight on time and you can probably sift them out yourself.
Anyway, I really liked this and hope to see more. Great job!
-Jules
Thanks for the tips! I'll make sure that the next chapter will be better grammar wise than this one
You're welcome, and thank you for replying! I'd forgotten the name of this story and forgot to follow you so I couldn't find it again XD
Now I can sit and wait for the next installment. Just like the people who sit and wait for installments of my novel XD
Oh its coming my friend,
This was pretty good, and really action packed! It kept me on my toes the entire time, and your characters were pretty cool! My first thought was, "I like Purple's name!" The fact that he's also a guy made it even cooler, it's different. One thing that also surprised me, besides the amazing ending, was that even two cops were suspects of a murder. You also tied the characters' lives together one way or another.
One thing to keep in mind though for the actual story, because I understand that this is just the basic plot, make sure you somehow deepen the characters' relationships. So, in the end if almost everyone dies, then it really impacts the readers; as well as the last character alive. It will make the readers sympathize the last character, because everyone that they truly cared about was killed, even if they had only met recently.
Also, there should be a new paragraph made for each line of dialogue. I used to have trouble with that myself when I was younger, but the more I did it the more natural it came to me. It makes it easier to read, as well as making it cleaner.
I had also noted quite a bit of grammar and spelling errors, but they're easy fixes.
Such as:
- Speed-ed should be 'speeded'. There isn't a dash.
- neighborhood is one word.
- himself is also one word.
- I think you mean to say, "a man in it" when you said, "He started to head off to the public shelter when a car pulled up with a man i it."
- 'It's' with an apostrophe is 'it is'.
- I think you might have meant to say, "the town used to be quiet and uneventful", instead of saying, "The town wouldn't be quite and uneventful, now we're having 3 earthquakes a day." Do you see what I'm saying?
- Dog's, (with an apostrophe).
- lungs *were; "where one of his lungs where."
- her, instead of here
- bodies, not bodys
- "I'm going to!" Should be, "I'm going, too!"
- mother's, with an apostrophe.
And lastly, on a lot of sentences you had 'than' instead of 'then'. Oh... and 'they're' instead of 'there'.
I'm sorry, a lot of these are nit-picky things, and I don't want to come off as a jerk for pointing out every little detail, but I just want to make sure I'm being thorough so I can help you. Otherwise, it's really good and I can't wait to see how this turns out! Please don't let me discourage you in any way, don't stop writing! :]
Thanks for the tips and feedback! And don't worry, I wont stop writing anytime soon,