Hola! I've not read the previous chapters, so if I question anything which you feel you've covered in an earlier part, please feel free to ignore me.
1. There's a lot of commas in that first letter and people don't usually put a lot of commas in their letters so it feels very fake. Maybe try to trim them down a bit as they're also somewhat misplaced, for example: 'Tomorrow I want you to be at work patrolling the neighbourhood' is a complete phrase and then you have the first comma. After 'when you go into the archives' I'd even be tempted to have a full stop or a semi colon there. Most likely a full stop as semi colons aren't often used by people when writing letters either. Unless you want to give the impression that he's very precise and likes good grammar, in which case a semi colon would fit better.
2. Aren't they going to sweep him home anyway? It seems odd that they'd go to the trouble of getting permission to sweep his room but say 'as long as you come to work like a good little boy, we'll not sweep your room'. That seems like a really weird threat.
3.
Spoke back is awkward, perhaps responded to the dispatcher?Olie quickly spoke into the phone and spoke back the dispatcher.
4.
You need an extra space between 'has to be there' and 'Olie arrived' but the reason I picked out this paragraph is that you need to use he. Every single time you talk about Olie, you use his name, but it's more natural to interchange this with he or his and it will make your writing flow better.Olie flipped on his sirens and sped off to the abandoned house. Olie wondered why anyone would want to go in there, nothing's in there except for the paint that’s peeling off the walls. Something more has to be there.Olie arrived with a couple of other Officers at the scene, they all there guns already drawn.
5.
How does he know that something was there and is gone now? Your writing is very light on description and heavy on action which doesn't pull your reader into the story. You need to add more details like maybe he notices a part of the carpet that's clean while the rest is covered in dust - clearly an object rested here recently.After searching the building for anything, they have not noticed that whatever was there was taken, Olie did.
6.
There's too much going on here. I don't even know what an SMG is and this feels so action heavy that I start just skimming over the words. You need to slow it down. Also, 'untill' should be 'until' and 'tranch coat' a few lines down is meant to be 'trench coat'.He didn't mention anything about it. A gas bomb rolled into the room. Olie ran out of the house, the others coughed and collapsed onto the ground. He ran towards a supply crate that SWAT dropped off. Inside there was a gas mask and an MP5K. Olie ran back into the house with the gas mask now on, and an SMG in hand. He saw someone crawling out of a window, he fired at the window, managing to hit the mans foot. He fell out the window and than ran untill he was out of sight.
7.
This feels very telling and not like natural dialogue. People in this situation will normally just say 'on it' and then get to it. You can have him say something to someone in the background that Olie overhears like 'Hey Patrick, get a news announcement out. Everyone stays in their homes tonight, okay?' That would be more natural."On it, making sure news stations make theannouncmentannouncement for everyone to stay intheretheir home"
8. You need to get someone to have a really good read through of this as there are lots of grammar and spelling mistakes. A friend or family member may be the best approach as agents and publishers are likely to put down a manuscript if they see too many errors. Just get someone to look it over once you've reached the final version.
9. The end of Ian's section feels like a narrator's voice is speaking instead of Ian and the view point change is weird. We should only know things which Ian knows and see through his eyes. Taking us out of character like this makes it hard to feel like we're actually immersed in the story.
10. There's a big gap between Olie running out of that house and looking at the containers - how does he get there? Where are they? You can't take short-cuts like that without losing your reader. I'm sure it's more interesting to write these action scenes, but they're not interesting to read because your reader can't follow the flow of your story.
Overall
Mostly this story just moves too fast and there's not enough description or characterisation. I like an action packed novel as much as anyone, but this just doesn't flow and with no downtime, all that action gets to be very boring to read. You need to make us care about the characters first before you have them running around shooting things. Otherwise, we're not invested and we don't care if those things decide to shoot back.
I hope that helps a little!
Heather xx
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
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