Young Writers Society

Hi there! I'd like to leave a few thoughts, although I see you've already had a few reviewers so I'll try not to be too long-winded.

I like some of the movements towards unique imagery in your poem. But I think that the images go too many places. I can't imagine the scene that you're painting fitting together. The first two lines are an example of why punctuation sometimes really helps out poetry. "The sun shines down / The water sparkles" -- reading that as one sentence (because there's no punctuation to indicate to read otherwise) it would basically be saying "the sun shines down the water" -- this doesn't really make sense. I would suggest adding a comma or period to clarify at the end of line 1.

You start to add some interesting nature images, but it never seems to quite connect with the three lines about the heart. There is a simile where the speaker says "Your heart is similar to the sun" but I'd love to see you unpack that metaphor a bit more. Can you show readers why the sun is so much like the heart?

Also, I think you should also try to make the nature imagery more cohesive. Picture these elements working together in your head and then explain how they work together. To give a simple example. If I'm describing a room and wrote:
"The brown shoes
The carpet
The cat walks"

---- > you might be able to picture all of those elements working together, but without an indication from the author it might also just sound like random details. Instead I could connect the ideas like this:
"The brown shoes sit upon
A carpet worn below
While the cat surveys the floor"

Adding a little bit of the connections between the details creates a story and a fuller image for the reader. You could do the same with your details about nature to give the reader a fuller picture of how those ideas you have connect with each other.

I hope this was helpful! Please let me know if you have any questions about my review!

Best,
alliyah

Hi, EmPanda15! Lupa here for a review! Let's get crackin'.

1) You start off with a nature theme, which is good. Nature is a beautiful thing, and there's nothing wrong with it. However, I can't understand how dirt can "rise and fall." I mean, unless it has a mind of its own, dirt can't move unless an animal/human moves it.

2) In the second half of your poem, you say

Your heart is similar to the sun,
The water,
The wind,

And I'm so happy
That I am here with you,
With the sun
The water
and the wind.

This review is brought to you by InfiniteRectangles

Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!

This was a sweet little poem! I like how you incorporated nature into your poem and compared your love's heart to the sun.

I think this would be best split into two stanzas. From the beginning of the poem to "The waves crash" could be one stanza and the rest another. That would help emphasize the transition.

You're off to a good start with the nature theme, but as it is now, you're mostly telling instead of showing. It comes down to the ol' "show, don't tell" sentiment, but it's true. Your lines are quite simple. Try being more descriptive. Instead of just saying something like "The waves crash", describe the crashing of the waves in more detail. Captivate your readers. Use their senses. Make them be in the moment with the speaker.

Overall, I liked your poem. I just would like to see more detail. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!

Hi. This is Kman134. i'm here to review your work.

This poem has a very earthy and natural atmosphere from the beginning. the rest of the poem then shifted to a romantic and surreal feel to it. the metaphors and symbolisms such as the vine swaying and the features of the heart really made the story bounce.

"Your heart is full,

Your heart is kind.

Your heart is similar to the sun,

The water,

The wind,

And I’m so happy,

That I fit in."

this is my favorite part of the poem. it symbolizes how natural love is as it is like the cycles of the earth and how you make the heart being just like the celestial sphere of the sun as it glows brightly from the emotions it carries and how warm it is to the human body the more you fall in love to the one you want to be forever with. the stanzas are okay and it's too small to have any grammatical errors.

Anyways, i like this poem and i can't wait to read more. have a nice night.

Hello, EmPands15! PastelSlushie here for a review! Let's get right into it! I also apologize in advance if my review isn't very helpful. I don't know much about poetry, so please tell me if the things I point out are incorrect!

First comment: Now, I don't know much about poems, but I can definitely tell that this needs a separation of stanzas. I understand that was your intention, the Publishing Center glitches like that, but maybe put a ~ or a - or something like that to let the reader know a new stanza is coming. Oh, and by the way, maybe start the new stanza on: "Your heart is full,"

Second comment: Now that we have stanzas sorted out, let's talk about the punctuation. In the first stanza, the only form of punctuation you seem to have is a period. That's fine. But in the second stanza, you have a comma at the end of each line, while in some cases it can, it doesn't go with the flow of the poem. Sometimes, it's better to go naked. I'd suggest making the first stanza the same as the second stanza punctuation wise, or vice versa. It's your choice.

Well, that's the end of this review. Sorry if I seemed harsh in anyway you didn't like. You have a good theme here, it just needs some fixing up. Keep writing!

Pastel