“I will close my eyes now,” spoke Robin, in her neutral, steady tone.
“Yes. Me too,” replied River, in a tone which resembled Robin’s.
Within minutes of closing their eyes, they were both able to achieve a state of sleep. Unconsciousness consumed them, filling their brains with nothingness and dreams of the dark Cave. Upon waking, one could only assume that it was the next day. Day was the time of speaking, sitting and moving. There were others in the cave too. Their voices were more distant, probably sitting farther away, only recognisable by their dull, unchanging voices, echoing through the total darkness which consumed them.
River remembered light. Light used to exist in the cave, but it was taken away at a time when River had lived through fewer days of life. Light was hot. Light could burn, with its flickery orange rays, which danced like mythical, ancient creatures. Light was taken away, because the others knew that it did more harm than good. Robin had never known light before, because she entered the Cave after it was gone. Everyone believed that light was fear and that light was pain, but River still remembered how light brought sight.
Resting her back against the rough walls of the cave, River closed her eyes and remembered the past.
Light looked like someone who loved me, with hair stretching down their back and eyes that curved with smiles. And light felt like being smaller and taking up less space than I do now.
River took a deep breath, the stale, humid air from the cave filling her lungs. Moving her hand, River felt Robin's fingers. With a sudden jolt, the fingers were gone.
“River, do not touch me. Your hands could pierce my skin and I could become dead.”
River remembered a time when it was safe to hold hands. River remembered hugging. And River remembered the feeling of being loved.
“Robin, I will be leaving the Cave.”
“We have been told that leaving the cave will lead to death. It is unsafe outside of these walls.”
After a pause, River replied, “There is no light in this darkness. How can I see me and how can I know death without life?”
“Trust the protection of the Cave, River. Have you lost your faith so easily? Even in this darkness, you must trust the sight of others.”
“I cannot see myself. I do not know me.”
“It is better to trust what you cannot see. Where would you go if you left the Cave?”
“I will find the robins and the rivers, out there. The real ones.”
There was silence for a moment. “River, I will close my eyes now.” After another moment of silence, Robin spoke again, “Will you close your eyes now?”
“Okay,” replied River, “I will close my eyes now.”
River stared into the darkness of the Cave, with her eyes wide open. For the first time, she felt a sense of loss mixed with anger. Robin had never seen light before, so she did not understand, she could never understand Rivers desire to leave. She was still seeing light in the darkness, she didn't realize that there was more to see, because she had been blind her whole life.
A single tear fell down River’s face. Wet like a river, she thought. In my tears, I can find a bit of who I am.
Robin began to breathe deeply. She was asleep. River stood up and exited the cave, without turning back.
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139,308 Literary Works • 672,528 Reviews
Hi Ellie,
This is D.B.
I loved reading your short story. I was drawn in immediately, and could absolutely see myself reading more and finding out what happens to Robin and River. This dystopian type story and the taking away of things that humans are so used to like light and human connection was done so well. Great story! Keep writing!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this was an interesting little tale. So many layers packed into it despite how short it actually is. I think you can almost get about three whole meanings out of this one and each one is just as tragic as the other.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well this is interesting. Seems like a very harmless start there in terms of just walking up all gently in a cave but there's definitely something afoot from those voices and the unexpected level of detail there as they end up going to sleep in the moment.
Oooh interesting. Light feels like both the concept and also a person at the same time with these memories which given River could go with that idea too as can Robin things get a little bit more intriguing once again.
Well this is making a few interesting metaphors pop up if you read these in the literal sense of the concepts there and I love it. Just unravelling a whole new meaning about the piece through that simply switch.
I'm going to assume the cave mostly just has everyone fooled right here looking from how things have come about. There's a good indication that its message here about leaving being death is very wrong somewhere.
Well that makes for quite the twist there. I was thinking maybe there wouldn't be any of those out in the world, and that's why its said to be so unforgiving and so dark, but this changes things and changes them quite a bit.
Well looks like its a case of Robin just being too young to know a time before the Cave and before darkness was all they had. Definitely a bittersweet note to end on with that particular vibe.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall I think you've got a powerful little tale here. Honestly having read through this about four times I still don't know if I fully understand but I think for the goal you're reaching for here with this piece that's a good thing. And it really does create a very real sense of bittersweet loss there as we near the end.
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
hey there, dropping by for a quick review. this is exciting, I don't think I've read anything of yours that wasn't poetry!
Like @HildeMint said, this story also reminded me of Plato's Allegory of the Cave.
here's what I know about the story:
we have two main characters, River and Robin. River is older than Robin. The two of them live inside a cave without any light with some other people. There was a time when people used to use light in the cave, presumably fire based on your beautiful descriptions:
So we know that something must have happened with fire, causing the people in the cave not to want to use it anymore, even though it provides them with much-needed sight. River longs for light once again, while Robin is content to stay in the cave for the rest of her life. However, River believes this is because Robin is younger and doesn't remember what it was like to have light.
here's what I interpret:
to me, this whole thing is kinda like a metaphor, or an allegory if you will. Some people are content to stay in the same place they're at because they know it's safe; they don't want to take the risk of going out of their comfort zone in case something goes wrong. But that's kinda the thing with life, right? Something can always go wrong. Murphy's Law states, "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." However, without taking any risks or doing anything to change, we can never improve or grow as human beings.
here's another part I thought was interesting:
When I initially read this part, I was like, "Yo does River have some sort of weird power that kills people when she touches people?" And although this could be the case since we don't know for sure because it is a short passage, I think that it's simply that the two girls are not allowed to touch each other. The last three sentences in that excerpt make it sound like it's not just River who's not allowed to touch people; it sounds like nobody is allowed to touch anyone else.
here's another part I thought was interesting:
There's this sort of sense of longing to know who you are as a person, and our character River can only discover who she is if she leaves the cave.
here's one thing I thought you could improve:
Here I would consider italicizing River's thoughts, just to make it clear what is being written by the narrator and what is being thought. Or at the very least, I would combine the two sentences as follows:
well, that's all I have for you. I really loved reading this story and I'm super curious to see if you end up continuing this storyline. thanks so much for sharing hehehe <3
this reminds me of that old thought experiment thing. Where it is there are a bunch of people tied up in a cave there entire lives, with only shadows on the wall to look at, but then one person is let out and sees the real world, but when he goes back to the cave people, none of them believe him.
what i liked: It feels very dystopian, i like the way that they talk, it isn't quite normal, but it is simple and endearing.
What I didn't like as much: It was far too short. I want moooreeee
General review part: It is a very simple story, but it doesn't need to be complicated, the part that stuck out to me was when River touched Robin and Robin said not to because it could kill him, it whispers of intrigue.