Sally moved her hands to cover her mouth, muffling her shaky sobs. Her sharp intakes of breath still echoed around her tiny, musty, wooden closet. She shivered eyes wide. Tears brimmed at the edge, threatening to spill. He was coming. The dread He brought filled a room, a whole house. He made the hairs on the back of your neck raise.
Sally was the only one to hide. The little girl had heard the shrieks; she knew she was alone. So did He. A dark shadow came into her room, and she held her breath. He walked by once, twice, just a shadow. Just as she thought she was safe, the closet door sealed shut.
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Whoa. This is very creepy. I was under the impression that Sally was in the house hiding from some wanted serial killer or something. Nice job. It's really short, but I still enjoyed it. P.S. I didn't understand this line: "She shivered eyes wide." Is there a word missing in between or something? Other then that small error, it was good and I enjoyed reading it. Have a great day! -IceWinifredd
Hi, ElizabethHuntsJoy! Writer here to give you a review ^^
I'm going to be honest with you, I love this idea you have. I love how you give us a little, but make us wanting more.
But then it stops.
Like, wait a minute, what? I'm going to comment on that later, but I just thought I'd let you know you've got me hungry for more. However, that can be a good or bad thing. Let me get to the nitpicks/suggestions first.
Nitpicks!
Though there few in the story, there are still some, so I wanted to point them out so you can fix them.
I'm not 100% sure that the sharp intakes (which, I believe, indicate sobbing) are going to "echo" in the closet. If she were in a larger area, with more room to echo, I think the sobs/intakes would echo. But, since she's in such a small room that you say is "wooden" I doubt the intakes are going to echo. But it's up to you to make the decision of keeping it in there. It just doesn't seem realistic to me in the sense I don't believe it's possible. But maybe it is, who knows?
This is more of a punctuation issue. "She shivered eyes wide" needs a comma or a pause to indicate her wide eyes aren't shivering XD.
"She shivered, her [insert color here] eyes wide." This gives us a little more description. But maybe, because it's dark, you don't want us to know. It's up to you. However, the comma set off is necessary for the sentence to make sense.
I'm not too keen on you capitalizing "He" in the middle of the sentence. It just doesn't seem...right. I understand what you're going for here--I think you're trying to make him more important (good or bad) than he is to stress how the girl views him, though when I see "he" capitalized in the middle of the sentence, I automatically think you're talking about God, because that's how I've learned to spell the pronoun when referring to God >.< Of course, it's not my place to tell you to change that, but it's just a minor suggestion
This is the first time you address the reader, which I want you to be cautious about. You kind of break the narration here, causing us (well me) to be less afraid. Maybe, because I'm being addressed, I don't feel as alone as I witness what is about to happen. Therefore the scare factor goes down for me. But the story is different for everyone who reads it. It all depends on how they perceive the story, and that doesn't mean you change it to fit everyone's perception/opinion on things. So I guess addressing the reader ("your neck raise [up]") isn't a bad thing. But it doesn't make me as afraid (for some unknown reason xD) I hope I make sense, because I'm not always good at explaining things.
Wait...what? I thought the closet door was closed already, since she was trying to conceal herself from "Him." I'm not sure what's going on, so perhaps you could clarify?
Anyway, what I mean is, I feel you should write more, add onto this. I honestly felt this was more poetry (yeah, weird, right?) as you take more time describing things rather than there being more action. I'm not saying there isn't action in poetry, but there isn't much action here either. What happens to the girl? What does the guy do? Most importantly, why did you end such an awesome and "on the edge of my seat" story so quickly without much happening???? I so want to read on!
Well, I hope I was helpful in this review! Well done with the suspense (I lurve suspense.)
~Thewriter13
I really appreciate your feedback! The more critical the better! Thank you so much! I just wrote this in the span of three minutes so I wasn't necessarily considering logic. I will definitely take these changes into action when I go through the document again. I appreciate it! ^-^
<3 -Elizabeth
You're welcome! I love your avatar, by the way ^^
Thank you!
Hello Elizabeth!
I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to see what would happen next! 
I only have one little nitpick.
Overall though, this is a really nice piece! I do think could eventually be an ongoing story! I certainly like the idea behind it, and the way you capitalized He in the story! Great Job, and keep writing! 
I really loved this piece. Spine-tingling!
"He walked by once, twice, just a shadow. Just as she thought she was safe, the closet door sealed shut."
I don't know why, but this seems wrong to me.
"Just as she thought she was safe, the closet door sealed shut."
I thought the closet door was already shut in the first paragraph. Maybe not though, my mind works in weird ways!
-SnazzyPencil
Thank you so much! It means a lot to me! I probably should have been more specific that the door was cracked, but I had purposefully used the word "sealed" instead of closed, implying that all air was locked off from flowing throughout. Either way, the ending can be open to interpretation. Again, thank you so much!
<3 -Elizabeth
Yep! Good work on using sealed instead of closed. It does make sense!