More Christmas morbality brought to you by TBR Inc.!
http://www.christmas-tree.com/stories/nightbeforechristmas.html
And there is the link to the site of the original, if you want to be "cheery." Also this is the site I use to help me with words and such. Enjoy!
---Elizabeth
Twas the Night Before C-Day
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was living, not even a mouse;
The owners were hung by the chimney with care,
Knowing that St. Nicholas had already been there;
The children were nestled all snug in their sacks,
Mixed in with sugar-plums, soon to be packed;
Mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just woken up from Santa’s great slap,
From the sons’ room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away from the window it flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the mash—ed potatoes.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of dooms-day objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an ironclod sleigh, and eight heinous reindeer,
With a burly old driver, so drunk and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his missiles they came,
And he screamed, and shouted, and called them some names;
"Now, Thrasher! now, Mangler! now, Prancer and Slicer!
On, Vomit! on Stupid! on, Dumber and Dicer!
Through the top of the porch! though the top of the wall!
Now smash away! bash away! dash away all!"
So up to the house-top the devils they flew,
With the sleigh full of guns, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a moment, they heard a sound from the mom
The ticking and tocking of a gigantic bomb.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning to run,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a gun.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of weapons he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a criminal just opening his pack.
His face – how much it was covered in mud!
And his cheeks and nose were stained with blood!
He smiled and drew up a loaded cross-bow,
And the beard of his chin was a dim white glow;
The bloody stump of a chicken he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke had encircled his head like a wreath;
He had an angry face and a LARGE round belly,
That shook, when he cackled like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right scary old elf,
And I cried when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And set fired to all the stockings; that jerk,
And laying his finger aside of my nose,
And giving a nod grew sting of a thorn from a rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a notion,
To flee away from the sudden explosion.
But I heard him exclaim, as he fled from sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, now you’re all gonna die!"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,843 Reviews
OH MY GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Read or die!
*Renews*
I love that song! It's where I got my last line... I think I forgot to mention it... Ahh Pladgerism! AHH THEY'RE GOING TO BAN ME!
*Runs around in circles* *Into a wall* Gives up and eats toffee*
I am never eating sausage again.
I thought I'd just share this gem from Weird Al Yankovic, just to keep in the mood.
THE NIGHT SANTA WENT CRAZY
Down in the workshop all the elves were making toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered in ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night Saint Nick went insane
Realized he'd been getting a raw deal
Something finally must've snapped in his brain
Well the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
Then he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with and old German Luger
And he slashed down Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
Then he picked up a flamethrower and he barbecued Blitzen
Then he took a big bite and said "It tastes just like chicken!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without stepping in reindeer guts
There's the National Guard and the FBI
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circling 'round in the sky
Now the bullets keep flying the body count's rising
And everybody’s dying to know -oh Santa, why?
My, my, my, my - you used to be such a jolly guy.
Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a Federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey little friend now, don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in seven hundred more years.
Now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus she's on the phone every night
With a lawyer negotiating the movie rights
(They talk about)
The night Santa went crazy
The night Saint Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
sounds to me like he was tired of getting gypped
The night Santa went crazy
The night Saint Nick went insane
Realized he'd been getting a raw deal
Something finally must've snapped in his brain
Something finally must've snapped in his brain
Tell ya something finally must've snapped in his brain.
very festive
one word: hee
Wait till i tell Sureal about this proof at last (cackles madly)
Love you
TBR
hehe, see look I posted now,
Anyway I loved it. 'Specially the reindeers and the mash-ed potatoes bit. Pure gold
Lmao I laughed the whole way through it. I aint so sure about Santa now.
Shadowdancer: That's the impression I'm getting of Santa... as well as a cop. Because he will bust people and put them on a naughty list and gather all the criminal names from all over and add them as well.. those he doesn't catch in crimse or in any sort of activity like such are on the GOOD LIST! YAY!!!
Thank all of you for comments, I am actually quite proud of this piece.
LMAO
I died laughing when I first read this.
This is HILARIOUS!!!
Just the kind of sick humor I love...
that cracked me up, reminded me of a really bad really old joke my friend told me.
"did you hear that santa's quit? but dont worry, micheal jacksons said he'll sneak into little childrens rooms and empty his sack"
nasty nasty joke anyway just had to share. Gee i think we should be scared of santa. lol here in the biggest city of New Zealand (which probably has the same population as a small rural town in the US) we have to really BIG really dodgee santas that go up every year, one looks like hes doing something nasty to the building hes wrapped around lol get the image? and the other has a finger that moves and hes got these glazed over eyes you know the "come here" thing going. Scary santa!
Heh, we all should be afraid of that murderous pervert... Hmm, I should read this to my 3 year old friend.... hee hee. Who's a believer?! ... ooh I hear somebody at the door... AHH SANTA!!! No, it's just mommy in a fuzzy hat, but you get the picture.
Anyway, yeah, thank you.
And what a very scary signature you have there.
WOO!!!
I LOVE the Mash-ed Potatoes thingus!!!
I'M LAUGHING!!!
I'M HYPER!!!
I'M AFRAID OF SANTA NOW!!!
*hides*