Dorothy took a deep breath. “I doubt I got it. Besides, I’m sure they’ve called the winners by now. I’m gone all day, but my mom would have told me if they’d called.” Dorothy shrugged. “Actually, I was one of the top 100. I spoke to Mr. Keene on the phone.”
“Really? That’s very impressive.”
“Yeah, I think I’ll be in class when they announce the winners, depending on the time,” Dorothy said. “What time does it say?”
“2am our time,” said Nancy. “They’re doing it first thing in the morning, British time.”
Dorothy supposed that made sense, but she wasn’t sure that she wanted to stay up until two in the morning just to find out that she didn’t win. “We’ll see, I suppose,” she said.
Wait, had Mr. Keene said he would be in touch if Dorothy won? Now that she was remembering the phone call, she wasn’t sure if he had. Maybe she would have to tune in to find out if she’d won. She knew the answer was in all of the papers she’d received after her interview, but those were at home and she wouldn’t be back until after eight tonight.
Then, Nancy extended her hand. “I’m Tonya.” Oh, so her name was Tonya. Dorothy shook her hand.
“I’m Dorothy.” She laughed nervously, wondering for a moment if she should say something. “You remind me of Nancy Reagan, the way you dress.”
Tonya/Nancy blushed, clearly moved by the compliment. “That’s very sweet of you, honey.”
Just then, Dorothy’s stop was announced, and she stood up. “Have a good day,” she said.
“You too,” said Tonya. “Good luck tonight.”
Dorothy smiled as she walked over to the door. As she got off and started the three blocks to the grocery store, she thought about how easy it was to just talk to someone who she’d spent months making up an elaborate story about. Maybe in the coming days she’d talk to Lincoln and Clara and find out their stories, and real names. For all she knew Clara could be the lead in all of the ballets, and Lincoln could be volunteering somewhere with a healthy and loving wife that greeted him every night at home.
Dorothy stopped herself and realized she was doing it again. Making up stories. She supposed she’d find out if she was meant to. She turned off her walkman and put it in her bag, and tried to savor the last few minutes of freedom before her shift began. And who knew? Maybe it would be a good shift. Maybe the customers would be nice today. Maybe they wouldn’t have much to stock and maybe Lisa would bring cake like she sometimes did. Maybe she would be one of James Keene’s seven. As unlikely as that was, many stranger things had happened in the world. Anything was possible.
End of chapter
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140,804 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hi Elinor,
1. What did i like the most in the story Elinor is that Dorothy took a deep breath. “I doubt I got it. Besides, I’m sure they’ve called the winners by now. I’m gone all day, but my mom would have told me if they’d called.” Dorothy shrugged. “Actually, I was one of the top 100. I spoke to Mr. Keene on the phone.”
“Really? That’s very impressive.”
“Yeah, I think I’ll be in class when they announce the winners, depending on the time,” Dorothy said. “What time does it say?”
“2am our time,” said Nancy. “They’re doing it first thing in the morning, British time.”
2. What do i think needs to be improved Elinor and let me tell you why i think that Elinor Taking a break and returning to your novel writing or short story writing later on can give you a fresh perspective on your content and story structure
3.Write about what you think the story will continue ok Elinor the story will continue on Introducing a new character
Have fun writing!
Jay"
I’m back for more! I hope you are having a good day or night as you read this!
you could combine some of those sentences together to eliminate a few of them.
So I didn’t find much to nitpick today which is awesome! Only two things I noticed that I should point out
The first is very small and could really just be my preference but Nancy/Tonya seemed unnecessary. I think just Tonya would do. This way it will flow better and my mind won’t have to stop to pay extra attention to the words.
The second and last thing I noticed was in your last paragraph. I know it was the point to put a lot of maybes is there but I found it was just a bit too many for such a tight space. Maybe
Other then that, I agree wholeheartedly with Tonya...very impressive. I’m really happy to see the character development start at such an early stage of your book. It’s quite refreshing and I feel like I really do know your main character and as a result, feel pulled to keep reading. That’s a big thing in writing is to make your reader attached to your character. I find that it makes them overlook a few mistakes and gets them to keep reading. When I don’t like the characters or relate to them, I usually have no interest in the book. So awesome job!
Happy writing!
Honora
Hello again!
Love this part!
No need for the “/Nancy” unless you just want it there.
Lovely! Some character developmental in the first chapter.
What do you mean?
I forgot to add this in the other review, but it is cool you’re writing about college students. Most of the time these stories have high school characters as the lead.
I think this was a fitting end to the chapter.