It was 7:36 in the morning on Monday, September 16th, 1985. It was already hot and muggy, and Dorothy Gardiner was tired. She looked at the others on the bus. There were a few regular passengers on her morning commute, and she’d given them all names and invented stories about who they were because she hadn’t had the opportunity to speak to them.
Lincoln got on a stop after her. He wore casual clothes and his wrinkles and gray hair suggested that he had lived through much. He always had something in his hands, whether it be flowers, a cake, food. He always shut his eyes and tried to rest. When his eyes were open, he always seemed like he was far away. One day, Dorothy had noticed a wedding ring. She thought a loved one, his wife, maybe, was in the hospital. He visited her every day, held her hand, and told her how much he loved her. They had adult children, ones who lived far away from Atlanta and took turns coming down to meet with their father at the hospital. The bills were mounting up, bills they couldn’t pay, and his adult children sent him money. But Linc had to get a part time job. It was as much to cover costs as it was to keep his mind off of things.
Clara was her age and was already on the bus when Dorothy came on. She was always dressed in a leotard and tights and wore her hair up. Even though she was classically pretty, Dorothy wondered if she felt stagnated. Dancing since she was a girl. Maintaining a strict diet. She always cast in background parts, ones where no one would acknowledge or notice the hard work she did. She’d always wonder, on these bus rides, if she’d picked the wrong vocation. And then she’d just as quickly realize that nothing made her feel the way dancing did and that she was going to keep at it. Her friends and family always told her that the background parts were important. That the show wouldn’t fit in quite the same way without them. That had been all right for Clara at first, who now wanted to prove she was good enough to dance leads.
Nancy was always dressed smartly, in colored suits that were fine in colder months but seemed unpleasant at best in the summer. Her hair was always coiffed, her makeup perfect. She’d lived her whole life in Altanta, married when she was twenty-two, young, stupid and in love. She’d been valedictorian in school and given up a promising job offer to stay at home and cook and clean for her husband. They had no kids, and she’d divorced him a few years earlier butnow lived alone and felt a strong need to make up for lost time. She’d gotten a job at a high level firm and was still working hard to prove herself. She rode the bus not because she didn’t have a license or a car, but her office was right on the bus line. And because parking was only for high level executives. And until she got a spot, the bus it was.
Dorothy herself took the bus because she shared a car with her mother, and her mother always needed it during the day for her job as a paralegal in downtown Atlanta. Sometimes, on Dorothy’s weekend shifts, she got to take the car. But there was a part of her that preferred the bus. At least, in the morning and in the late evenings. The ones she took from the store to Atlanta City College to her night classes were always crowded. Once, it had been so packed Dorothy had been barely able to breath. But the mornings and late evenings were always quiet. She got to relax and listen to music on her walkman, a brief respite for eight to ten hours of customer complaints and monotonous activity at the grocery store.
As The Police sang Every Breath You Take into her headphones, Dorothy looked up and sighed. They were two away from her stop, and she felt a strong temptation to not get off. She had enough money saved up to be able to afford to do so. She could treat herself to a nice breakfast in the city. She could buy new clothes and spend the day exploring the streets, doing all of the things she always wanted to but never had the time. As for work? She could find the nearest phone booth and tell them she had food poisoning, had been throwing up all morning, and had to stay home. Dorothy was a halfway decent actress and knew she could make it sound convincing. They wouldn’t question it, and would simply tell her to feel better. She’d been working at the store for almost four years, ever since her sophomore year of high school, and the only times she’d ever called out were when she’d actually been sick or had been out of town. If she called out, she’d actually have time to get caught up with her reading for class. But Dorothy knew she couldn’t do it. Maybe another day but not today. Even if she had money saved, she needed to keep working.
That was when she saw Nancy, who was sitting two seats away from her, reading a paper, and took particular notice of its headline. “KEENE TO ANNOUNCE WINNERS OF CASTLE TRIP TONIGHT.” Dorothy’s heart pounded. It had been so long since she’d filled out her application she’d forgotten about it, something that she’d told herself to do when she submitted. She knew she didn’t have a chance of winning. Only seven college students from all over the world would be selected from just over ten thousand applications. And still, she was curious to see who did win. The thing was, Dorothy’s application apparently had stood out. A month and a half ago, James Keene himself had called her and told her that she was one of the top one hundred applicants selected for a phone interview. He’d loved what she’d said in her application essay about wanting to travel the world, the United States not being the center of the universe, and working hard now so that one day she could relax and enjoy her life. At the end of the phone call, he’d thanked her and told her he’d be in touch if she was selected. But narrowing down one hundred to seven was still a tall order. Dorothy’s mother had told her it was impressive that she’d even gotten that far.
“Excuse me?” Dorothy said, putting her headphones down around her neck and pausing her Walkman.
Nancy looked up.
“Is that today’s paper?”
“Yes.”
“Does anything about the announcement? Tonight?” She asked. Even though she talked to strangers all the time at work, now her heart was pounding. She wasn’t the person who could easily strike up a conversation with a random person, and she'd spent so long building up an idea of who her fellow commuters were in her mind that she had to remind herself the reality could be completely different.
“Did you apply?” Nancy asked curiously.
“I did, actually.”
“Good luck,” Nancy replied.
End of chapter
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140,804 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hi Elinor,
First off Elinor my suggestions was the poem was alright and everything but its really good through and let me tell you why through Elinor It was 7:36 in the morning on Monday, September 16th, 1985. It was already hot and muggy, and Dorothy Gardiner was tired. She looked at the others on the bus. There were a few regular passengers on her morning commute, and she gave them all names and invented stories about who they were because she hadn’t had the opportunity to speak to them. Elinor like in my suggestion this poem was alright nothing was wrong in my suggestion Elinor.
My Compliment Elinor is that reading this poem made me realize Elinor is that im interested in the novel's when you be having like one character as a actress it was the Under the Apple Tree chapters i was interested in them Elinor but when i was reading this chapter its a whole lot different the Under-The Apple Tree
Good luck writing Elinor
Jay"
Hello Elinor! I’m here for just a quick review but I hope what I have to say will help you in future chapters! Also, I’ve never reviewed your work before so just so you know, I mean everything as a help and not an attack. Everything is with good intentions!
So one thing I noticed is that you repeat the word “always” quite a lot throughout all your paragraphs. This is just a small mistake and can easily be fixed but just so you know
The main thing I saw is that your sentences are either two short and choppy or way too long. Sentence variation is one of the most important things to make your work flow for your reader. It was pretty apparent in the first few paragraphs but eased out a bit in the rest of your chapter.
Also, the first sentence as Dest pointed out as well, was not very capturing. The first sentence is so important. It should take hold of me and not let go. I kept reading yes, but it could have been much better.
Now into the part that I actually like writing...what I liked about it!
I really like how you’ve set up such a character dynamic already even though we’re just barely into the story. Unless I’m horribly mistaken, she seems like a very quiet woman that keeps much to herself but has very ambitious goals. I love how she’s made stories and scenarios of the people riding in the bus. It seems like something I would do so maybe I could just relate to that level of being a dreamer XD
I am very interested to see what the next chapters have in store for me!!
Keep up the good work! Happy writing from Honora
Hello! Here are my thoughts.
Readability (info-dumps, boring parts, unclear parts)
In paragraph two, the use of “always” gets redundant. After the first always, the other two can be removed, and the meaning will still be the same. Some people consider “off of” an idiom and others think “of” is unnecessary. So… suggestion: …It was to keep his mind off his situation.”
Throughout this chapter, “always” becomes a tedious, repetitive thing. Try using other words like forever, often, usually, generally, etc, just to vary the word choice. Or removing unneeded “always’s.” I think reading out loud (or with your computer’s narrator) would help highlight what impedes the story flow.
I see some filler words. You could cut “and because” and the other “and.”
Missing a few words c:
There are a few very minor typos (Linc instead of “Lincoln,” a misspelled Atlanta, no space between “butnow, capitalize Walkman, etc) that can be changed during another proofread.
Pacing
Great so far! We get an idea of who Dorothy is and what’s to come next involving the contest she entered.
Characters
I like this bit of character information. It lets us know that Dorothy is very imaginative.
Dorothy seems fine so far. She is in her head a lot, imagining something or someone’s background. I have a desire to travel too, so I connect with her.
General thoughts
For the first line, I would switch the two sentences and start with “It was already muggy…” You want your first sentence to be interesting, or something that will keep people reading.
Overall, I would like to see some sentence revision with different word choice and structure. You tell us Dorothy isn’t very talkative or at least not good with small talk, is there a way you could show that? Like, when Dorothy talks to Nancy could she stutter, her hands shake or have to think out her words carefully. Something like that.
Anyway, I like this premise so far, and I’m curious about what happens next.
Keep writing!