z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Castle 2.2

by Elinor


“Oh,” said Lisa quietly. “Well, um, that’s fine. Just do what you need to do in the break room. We have customers.” Then, she walked away, to a different part of the store and customers started to chatter amongst themselves.

“Ms. Gardiner,” said the Reporter with a smile. “Will you show us?”

“Yes, of course,” she said, leading the camera crew into the break room in a daze.

Once there and once she was able to relax, she collapsed into Lisa’s chair. It felt odd sitting there, but she had bigger things to worry about right now.

“Excuse me,” Dorothy said. “Did I hear you say I’m one of the winners of James Keene’s contest?”

“Yes,” said the Reporter. “Mr. Keene wanted to surprise all of the winners. My name is Veronica. I work for Channel 5.” Veronica the reporter introduced her two crew mates but Dorothy forgot their names instantly.

It was odd that they’d chosen to do it at work rather than at home. Dorothy had remembered telling Mr. Keene that between work and school and commuting she was gone twelve hours a day. So maybe that was it. Then, Veronica handed Dorothy a clipboard. “We want to film a segment on you for the official announcement tonight. Is that okay?”

“Yes, of course,” Dorothy said quietly.

She barely scanned the form before she signed it. And then, they turned on their cameras and started to ask her questions, and all the while Dorothy felt like she was in some kind of dream, that she’d wake up any moment. But no. It was really happening.

“You know, you look like, what’s her name. Judy Garland,” said Veronica.

Dorothy laughed. She did resemble Judy Garland to a degree, and had gotten the comment a lot before. The same long dark hair. The wide brown eyes. But she didn’t think she was her twin, and wondered if people only said that because her name was Dorothy. “Been waiting for the cyclone to take me over the rainbow.”

Veronica smiled widely. “That’s really clever. You should say that in the interview.”

“What? About going over the rainbow?”

“Yes,” she said.

“When should I say it?” Dorothy had just been making a joke in the spur of the moment. But whatever they wanted.

“I’ll guide you.”

Then, the cameras started to roll.

“Tell us, who you are,” said Veronica.

“My name is Dorothy Gardiner. I’m nineteen years old.”

“And where are we, Dorothy?”

“We’re in the break room of my job at the Rosewood Grocery in Atlanta, Georgia,” she said.

“And what do you do at work?”

“I’m a cashier. Nothing exciting. I count the register at the beginning and end of every day. I ring customers up. I replace stock.”

Veronica smiled again. She came across as genuine, but maybe was trying a little too hard to be so bubbly. Either way, Dorothy wasn’t sure how she felt about her face being on TV all over the world. But she’d signed the release, and she wasn’t about to give up the trip, so she supposed this was a part of the deal.

“And you go to school, right?” Veronica asked.

“Yeah, I’m a part time student at Atlanta City College,” Dorothy said. “Nothing fancy. I live with my mom.” Then, Veronica raised her eyebrows, and Dorothy supposed this was when she was supposed to bring up to the comparison to the lead character of the Wizard of Oz. “I suppose you could say I’ve been looking for a cyclone to take me over the rainbow.”

“I think you’ve found it in winning this trip,” Veronica said with a smile. Then, the cameras shut off. “Great job, honey.” Honey? Dorothy thought. At most, Veronica was ten years older than her. But there was no way she was older than thirty. “They’re going to love you.”

“Who?” Dorothy asked innocently.

“Everyone. And obviously, Mr. Keene selected you.” Dorothy said nothing, and Veronica smiled again. “We’ve got to go now, but it was great talking to you. And have fun on your trip.”

“Thank you,” Dorothy said, still barely able to believe it.

“I was also told to mention that you’ll be getting more information in the mail in the next week,” Veronica said. “Well, have a good rest of your shift, if you’ll be able to focus.”

“I’ll try,” Dorothy said with a laugh.

The camera crew left, leaving Dorothy alone in the break room, in stunned silence. Just as she felt like she could regain her balance, Lisa entered the break room.

“So, wow,” Lisa said. “How’d you pull it off?”

“I really don’t know,” Dorothy said quietly. “I just answered the application questions honestly.”

“You didn’t even tell me you made it to the second round,” Lisa replied. Dorothy thought she heard contempt, even jealousy in her boss’s voice, but she chose not to push it.

“It never came up.”

“Well, we’ll have to celebrate before you leave,” she said. “I do need you back out on register though.”

Dorothy was about to comply when she remembered that it was her lunch break. She reminded Lisa of this.

“Of course. I’ll cover you until then,” Lisa said. “Enjoy your lunch.”

Once Lisa was gone, Dorothy allowed herself to let out a squeal. She was almost too excited, too anxious about it all, to eat.

She’d won. Somehow, she’d actually won. In a month she would be in a castle in Scotland with six other students from around the world who had somehow also managed the impossible. Her whole life, she’d wanted something interesting to happen to her. And it seemed it finally had.


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118 Reviews


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Mon May 09, 2022 5:04 am
Coffeeboyjay wrote a review...



Hi there Elinor,

1. What I liked the most in the story Elinor was that “Oh,” said Lisa quietly. “Well, um, that’s fine. Just do what you need to do in the break room. We have customers.” Then, she walked away, to a different part of the store and customers started to chatter amongst themselves.

“Ms. Gardiner,” said the Reporter with a smile. “Will you show us?”

“Yes, of course,” she said, leading the camera crew into the break room in a daze. this was my line in the chapter of The Castle i was ok she getting into wanting to be an actress because i was like ok Veronica you living your dreams on wanting to become an actress

2. What do i think needs to be improved? i knew when i came to this last chapter of The castle i was like Elinor needs to keep continuing with chapters of The Castle but i'm glad that i get read so many chapters of this story The Castle

3. what do i think the story will continue Elinor you should of explore your world with in the last chapter of The Castle since Veronica is the actress she should at least go to L.A with in the last chapter

Have fun writing!

Jay"




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Sun Jan 31, 2021 6:11 am
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hi there Elinor! Tuck here with a review for you to clean up the Green Lime Room!

As a quick disclaimer, I haven't read previous installments, so most of this review will be focused on things I can ascertain from just this chapter (like the effects of your writing style on the reader) rather than overarching things, like plot. I hope that I'm still able to be helpful to you despite this disadvantage!

First, I want to say that I found the main character endearing and relatable. As someone working in a low-paying and underappreciated industry with big dreams for the future, she feels like a character I can connect to. Her humility and simplicity are also attributes that make her an interesting protagonist -- most of the time, protagonists are full of themselves and struggle with pride. It's nice to see a story with a protagonist who is different. It makes her seem more human and more connectable, although I wouldn't consider myself humble. Or simple.

However, I did feel from this chapter that it was hard to ascertain the tone of the characters at some point. Here's an example:

“I’ll guide you.”

I can't tell what Veronica's energy, for lack of a better word, is. Is she being pushy? Encouraging? Frantic? A brief action after this (something like "Veronica gently rubbed her shoulder" if she's being encouraging or "Veronica strode away to check on the camera angle" if she's frantic). That holds for much of this chapter. I'm not a big fan of dialogue tags, particularly when they're used in excess, but I am a big fan of brief action to indicate emotion. It shows instead of tells, nicely balances dialogue, and gives you the opportunity to further develop characters by showing us their typical mannerisms.

All in all, however, this was an intriguing installment that left me with some questions, but in a good way! I definitely want to find out what Dorothy won and what she does with the prize, as well as how it changes her. You've successfully intrigued me, and I hope that I get the opportunity to review more installments of this story. I hope that my suggestions and thoughts here were helpful to you, and please feel free to reach out with any questions!

Best,
Tuck




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Wed Dec 30, 2020 9:23 pm
Honora wrote a review...



You’re probably sick of me but I’m here anyways :-P

Again I noticed some very short sentences that could have been combined into one to flow better but I already told you about that one. Something I haven’t said yet is to try not using words such as BUT or AND at the beginning of a sentence. Only very very very rarely is that something that can slip by unnoticed. It’s sometimes hard to find a different way of wording it but trust me, it’s worth the extra thought. It will help lengthen the short sentences and would help the flow.

I found Lisa’s reaction in the very beginning odd and confusing. Even though I just read your previous chapter two minutes before starting this one, I had to go back and see if I’d missed something but I hadn’t! This made me realize it was just oddly placed and maybe should be changed altogether. If you want to portray her jealousy or shock, I’d suggest showing it a little more in her actions or facial expressions rather then in what she says.

Other then that, I once again loved this chapter. It was very well written and although it was mostly dialogue, I could still feel what she was thinking. The shock, the fear, the awkwardness of being on TV. As I’ve said before, I’m very excited to see where you’re leading me with this story. It has amazing potential and I can’t wait to see how that gets unlocked! :D

Happy writing!
Honora





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