I looked at the new pocket knife as the best gift my uncle had ever given me. He gave it to me last week at a family reunion. If my mom found out I had a knife, she would probably have a heart attack. She hates knives, guns, fire, and anything dangerous. My my dad has attempted to get me a pocket knife before, but it did not go over well with Mom.
"Son, get down here now!" My mom called.
I shoved my new knife into my pocket. I bolted into the hallway, and rushed down stairs. As I looked around the corner I understood why my mom called. On the white couch, laying down, was my dog, Pepper. Around her were pieces of what used to be my dad's new hat.
"Ruff" barked Pepper. She rolled over and stared at me inoccently with her big brown eyes.
"Pepper!" I scowled. I quickly picked the dog up and threw her in her cage, she looked mad. She clawed a the cage and barked at me furiously. She did this all the time, so I just ignored her. I heard something hit the window behind me, which made me jump. I nearly knocked over the bowl of water beside Pepper's cage. It sounded like, what ever it was, hit the window hard so I was relieved to see that the window wasn't broken. It wouldn't be the first time. One Christmas my dad dropped the star that went on top of our christmas tree, it fell and broke the window. I looked out the window and saw a tree branch under the window. It was small, but the wind was sending twigs flying everywhere.
I heard a ring from my pocket and pulled out my phone. I had received a message that said,
'Hurricane warning from 7:00pm - 7:00am. In chantins county.'
I put my phone back in my pocket and acted like it was no big deal. It was the third hurricane warning this week.
I remembered what my dog had done and rushed to clean up her mess. As I was going to throw the pieces of the hat into the trash, my mom walked the room. I quickly put the bits in an old cabinet behind me. A couple seconds earlier and I could have been in even more trouble. Her short brown hair was put up in a bun. Her hazel eyes scoured the living room any signs pepper's mess. My mom was not skinny, but she was not overweight. But she was an amazing cook, the smell of the zupa tuscana soup flooded the house.
"Jay, can you go set the table?" Asked my mom. I knew it wasn't really a question so I went to get the plates. Our dining room was small but the table was huge. As I was setting the table I heard my dad's car pull into the drive-way. My little sister jumped out of the car, her afro-styled hair stuck into the air. Her dark big brown eyes bounced around wildly. She looked so happy. I loved her a lot. She looked up to me, so I always had to set a good example. Another reason my mom doesn't want me having knives. It started to rain very hard out of nowhere. My sister laughed at my dad from the porch as he ran up the drive-way. I went too open the door for them.
About two steps and I started to get dizzy. I shrugged it off and tried too take another step. My head started to swim and my legs started to go limp I fell against the wall. I tried to support my self, but my limbs wouldn't respond. I tried too call for my mom, but my voice failed me.
I started too feel a tingling feeling on the bottom side of my wrist. It started to turn into a searing pain. My wrist felt like it was on fire. I used the last of my energy too grab for my wrist. By now I was on the floor. I couldn't move my legs or talk. A final spike of pain shot through my wrist. I squeezed it as hard as I could with my last bit of energy, both of my hands went limp. I just stared at my wrist, which was searing in pain. As my vision dimmed, a sympol started to form. It looked like a circle with something inside it. Everything around me turned cold and I passed out.
End of chapter
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140,106 Literary Works • 673,010 Reviews
Hello, ElikiaKay! Welcome to YWS! Kara Stevens here for a (hopefully) quick review!
Just warning you, I'm really harsh and my reviews tend to be pretty long, contrary to what I have up above. Warning made, let's jump right to it!
These sentences make your writing seem pretty amateur.
Weird change of tense here. Change "hates" to "hated".
You don't need two "my"s here.
What mother would call her son "son"? Maybe replace that with "honey" or his name or something like that. You could also take out that "My" there; you don't need it.
Make these two sentences one sentence. This sort of writing, the simple sentence here and then the barely-complex sentence there gets kind of boring after a while.
After the dialogue sentence, add a new paragraph. Also, replace the comma after "cage" with a semicolon.
"christmas" should always be capitalized. The comma here should be replaced with "and".
See above above.
[quote] sympol[quote]
I think you mean "symbol".
Welp, that's all the grammar and stuff that I have today! To be honest, I prefer fiction works with dragons and blood and dragons and gore and dragons and magic, but this was a pretty original idea. I think you could work on strong word choice and grammar, but that's what YWS is here for!
Happy writing!--
Kara R. Stevens.
Hello Elilkia! Today we have the time to review and rewrite.
The first sentence/paragraph:
I would rewrite it as:
Being pedantic, I suggest you add capitals to the words:
because a name needs a capital letter and the grammar is incorrect. And it's Chantins County etc. The "Asked my mom" doesn't need a capital and the end bit is surprising. You don't explain and you use too instead of to. Maybe add her reading about it in a history book and her noticing the coincidence, or maybe an element of romance, like her crush summoning her to the Rift et cetera. All in all, I hope this was helpful and please rewrite!
Welcome to the site, you no avatar cutie you
Asith here to drop off a step-by-step review. I'm gonna be pointing out a lot of things that have room for improvement, but don't get disheartened. The important thing is to never stop writing
1)
Firstly, it's generally said that starting a story with speech is a no-no. We don't know who the character is at all - why would we care about their conversations? Usually, authors start with the character doing something. In your case, you can tell us what Jay was up to in her room before her Mom called her down. That could also be a good chance to show us what Jay is interested in - perhaps she's admiring the posters she hung up?
It's not a rule that you can't start with speech, it's just generally accepted. If this is really how you want to start it, it's not that big of a deal
2)
This sentence is hard to read. Always try to rearrange your words in complicated sentences like this, just in case you find a combination that works better. My personal suggestion would be this:
That's just a suggestion, there's likely an even better way of saying this.
On a side note, a pet's name counts as a proper noun, so 'Pepper' should be capitalised throughout the extract.
3)
Woah woah, slow down there champ! You've packed way too many events into this small paragraph, without taking the time to properly describe each one. It makes these things appear as throw-away events; ones that are completely pointless and a waste of characters.
To avoid this, give each event a moment in the spotlight. You could describe Pepper's reaction to being put in a cage a bit more than "she looked mad", maybe say she whined guiltily, or clawed the cage.
Then, after Jay hears something hit the window, tell the reader than she went to investigate, and was relieved when she found out that it was just a tree branch.
You can even put the phone ringing in a whole new paragraph.
Again, these are just suggestions - you can work out something for yourself
4)
This is a bit... boring? Remember, you need to make the reader feel excited. A good idea to add here is to say that, only a split second after Jay had hurriedly finished, her mom walked into the room. Just a tiny bit late and Jay would've been in even more trouble.
It's only a slight addition, but it'll make the reader pay more attention to the scene.
5)
This makes it seem as if Jay was looking through the window the whole time she was setting the table. "I heard my dad's car pull up into the drive-way" would be a better way of saying this.
6)
In my opinion, this is too much of a surprise - not for Jay, but for the reader. The reader will immediately begin wondering how the sister fits into the story. How's her relationship with Jay? Do they have a sibling rivalry, or are they friends? It'll help if you answer these early. Maybe say "My annoying little sister jumped out, trying to scare me like she always does." This makes the reader understand their relationship, which is important in bringing out characters.
Once again, this was just an example. Who am I to decide if the sister is annoying
Other than these things, it was a nice read. I may seem a bit harsh since this review turned out to be so long, but I guess I got a little carried away
The last part left me wanting more, so that was a well-done cliffhanger. I'll be sure to check out the next part when you upload it.
Hopefully, the review helped out, and I wasn't too hard on you. All in all, I liked it, so keep it up
This needs as much critics as possible I know it needs a lot of work.