Hi there. I'm dropping by for a review. I peeked at your previous chapters and it's quite interesting--a vertex causes Jay to be sucked into this weird place! Some kind of evil spirit! This is really fascinating and I'm going to try to help you make it even better!
I've noticed quite a few errors here, so I'll be pointing out some of them.
For example,
"Sorry about earlier... I was scared." Apologized Juliana.
"Apologized" should be "apologized". Generally, when you write that kind of "said somebody" tag, "said" should be kept lowercase. I think the reviewer below already covered much of the grammatical bits, so I'll be moving on to the big stuff here.
I also think there's a lack of setting here. Look at this excerpt:
Me and Juliana went inside the nearest house, and sat on the sofa. I sat and pondered about our situation, while Juliana was testing every app on my phone.
[Nitpick here: Is "Me" meant on purpose or not?] So you see, there's hardly any description of the house, the inside. For all I know, they could have gone into a fancy mansion, Jay's old house, a dilapidated shabby hut. I don't know how it looks. Detail overload isn't great, but having some details can help develop the setting--my impression, the characters' impression; is there some unsettling feeling hanging in the air?
I also agree with the previous reviewer that there is a talking-heads problem here. They seem to be talking, and doing nothing. Inserting a couple of actions in dialogue may help (other than the talk-actions). For example, one of them starts pacing, looks at the sky, or rubs their neck. Body action can also develop a character's personality. And if Jay looks around as he talks, you can also weave in some setting.
I also felt as though the characters were rather 2-dimensional. They weren't really complex, so I'd like to see more of a memorable personality there. They don't have to EXTREMELY unique; just make them different from each other and give them their own personality and quirks to make them even more complex and realistic!
At the end, I was confused about the mention of trolls. What were they? Those humanoid monsters? If they were something that came out before, I thought they'd give a familiar vibe of "oh, those". Or if they aren't, it's up to Jay to eventually do. I think that was one reason the end felt abrupt, especially the last line. He just ran...off? It feels rather unsatisfying in my opinion and I wasn't exactly fond of that.
Other than that though, the chapter was interesting and so was the revelation about the Rift. This seems as though it could lead to some exciting adventure. Hopefully my review helped and have a great day!
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Reviews: 373
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