Falling to your death. Not as nerve racking as you would think. We were dropped from about 5-10 stories up. We were definitely going to die. I never even got to really know the girl, who is passed out falling beside me. I don't remember seeing her before in the neighborhood, but she knew where she was going when she ran away from the monster.
And just like that we hit the ground.
Every bone in my body felt like it was shattering. I lost all feeling in my entire body for a split second. And then, I felt my body again. I could feel my legs and arms.
Wait, what?
We hit the ground, but we were alive. I didn't even get a scratch. I quickly stood up staring at my arms and legs. That Is by far in the top 5 weirdest things that had today. We had hit the road, a block away from where we were hiding a few minutes earlier. Their was no sign of the beast, or my knife. It was as if the whole ordeal never happened. The skies were blue, but their was not a soul insight besides the girl, who started moving around.
So she's alive.
She started sat up, but didn't say a word. She just looked confused. It had been a pretty hectic hour.
"What was that thing? Where is that thing?" She said. Their was no longer fear in her voice.
"If I knew I would tell you, but I think I killed it with my knife." I responded
She paused for a few minutes as if she didn't know how to speak.
"Good job," said the girl.
I think that was the most akward moment of silence the world had ever known. She looked around for a while. Then turned back to me.
"I'm Juliana."
"Jay"
"Sorry about earlier... I was scared," apologized Juliana. She stood up and looked around
"That makes two of us."
She looked at me as if she didn't know what else to say. Honestly their really wasn't.
"Where are we? It looks like my neighborhood, but feels.... different?" She asked.
Why ask me a bunch of useless questions? I don't know anything. I thought that was pretty obvious at this point.
"I don't know where we are, but different is def-"
I was was cut off by another voice. I jumped at the sound of it; so did Juliana. We were still jittery after our last encounter, which is understandable.
"Help....." Called the voice. I went over to where the voice came from. Underneath an old blue car hood lay a boy. He looked older than me. His blue eyes looked like electricity was surging through them. His blond hair stood straight up and his clothes looked like some one had deep fried The Gap. The ground around him was cracked and dented.
"Help... Me... Up.." Gasped the boy. Juliana ran over and helped the boy to His feet.
"Water, I need water." He gasped again. His voice sounded scratchy and dry. I looked around and saw the creek that ran through our neighborhood in someone's back yard. I picked up a plastic bowl off the road and ran down to the stream. I came up and handed the bowl of water to the boy. It was not the cleanest, but he didn't seem to mind. He gulped down the water so fast, yet didn't spill a drop.
"Thanks." Said the boy. His voice still sounded scratchy and dry.
"I am Yosiah. We need too-" He took two steps then collapsed. He immediately tried to stand up again.
"Okay man, you need some rest," I said. I helped him stand up and walk into the nearest house.
"Here," said Juliana. She wiped off a sofa and Yosiah laid down on it. He was out for over an hour. It was noon.
"Where do you think he came from," asked Juliana. Me and her were sitting at a dining room table in a roofless house.
"I don't know, but he looks like he got struck by lightning." I responded
"Not surprised, not the craziest thing that I have seen." Said Juliana.
"That's just it, it shouldn't be. We shouldn't even be here. I don't think this is even our world.
"Sure it is," said Yosiah. He must have woken up to the soundnof us talking. "Your just looking at it through the Rift. The Rift is like a viel. You can see the main world through it. But things in the main world have no effect on the beast of the rift. Beast try to attack the main world in the form of natural disasters and they use people as portals into the main world. The people used as portals get pulled into the rift."
"You know where we are? And what that thing was?" I asked suprised.
"Yes we are where a I just said we are the Rift, as for the monster. I have been tracking it for months. I can't believe I let it get away."
"Its dead," said Juliana. She looked uncomfortable about the topic, but I was not to keen on it either.
"Did you see it die?" Questioned Yosiah. He stood up and looked around cautiously.
"No, I but my knife hit it then it disappeared." I responded. I really didn't want to think back to that moment where I should have died.
"That means nothing. I need to go check, make sure its dead. Let's go," said Yosiah.
He rushed out the door, then ran right back in.
"So where did you guys kill it exactly?"
End of chapter
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140,106 Literary Works • 673,010 Reviews
Hi there. I'm dropping by for a review. I peeked at your previous chapters and it's quite interesting--a vertex causes Jay to be sucked into this weird place! Some kind of evil spirit! This is really fascinating and I'm going to try to help you make it even better!
I've noticed quite a few errors here, so I'll be pointing out some of them.
For example,
"Apologized" should be "apologized". Generally, when you write that kind of "said somebody" tag, "said" should be kept lowercase. I think the reviewer below already covered much of the grammatical bits, so I'll be moving on to the big stuff here.
I also think there's a lack of setting here. Look at this excerpt:
[Nitpick here: Is "Me" meant on purpose or not?] So you see, there's hardly any description of the house, the inside. For all I know, they could have gone into a fancy mansion, Jay's old house, a dilapidated shabby hut. I don't know how it looks. Detail overload isn't great, but having some details can help develop the setting--my impression, the characters' impression; is there some unsettling feeling hanging in the air?
I also agree with the previous reviewer that there is a talking-heads problem here. They seem to be talking, and doing nothing. Inserting a couple of actions in dialogue may help (other than the talk-actions). For example, one of them starts pacing, looks at the sky, or rubs their neck. Body action can also develop a character's personality. And if Jay looks around as he talks, you can also weave in some setting.
I also felt as though the characters were rather 2-dimensional. They weren't really complex, so I'd like to see more of a memorable personality there. They don't have to EXTREMELY unique; just make them different from each other and give them their own personality and quirks to make them even more complex and realistic!
At the end, I was confused about the mention of trolls. What were they? Those humanoid monsters? If they were something that came out before, I thought they'd give a familiar vibe of "oh, those". Or if they aren't, it's up to Jay to eventually do. I think that was one reason the end felt abrupt, especially the last line. He just ran...off? It feels rather unsatisfying in my opinion and I wasn't exactly fond of that.
Other than that though, the chapter was interesting and so was the revelation about the Rift. This seems as though it could lead to some exciting adventure. Hopefully my review helped and have a great day!
This review was very helpful, I will be making a few edits. Thanks!
Well well well, it looks like I'm back at this story again.
I'll focus on speech this time, since you asked for it.
To begin with, you should look up the punctuation rules regarding direct speech.
This sentence is not punctuated correctly, so to anyone who does know the proper punctuation requirements, the sentence is hard to read. It should be this:
(fixes in bold)
The period is replaced with a comma because, in this case, it's all technically part of the same sentence. The 'a' is lower case for the same reason. This is something I've been posting on a lot of my reviews, so it's a common error that you don't have to feel too bad about. Hopefully, this should tell you all you need to know:
Now, moving past punctuation:
The first two lines are both said by the same person. This means you don't have to start a new paragraph between them, you only do that when the speaker changes. Just put both in one line. Possible correction:
The last line is also said by the same person, but I can see why you made it separate; because it's interrupted by Jay's thoughts. This is fine, but to show that it's still Jace talking, put in dashes before and after to show the interruption. Possible correction:
That's it for the formatting, but let's focus on the actual dialogue. Using the same sentence:
This is very much a 'talking heads' problem, something I have to deal with as well.
'Talking heads' refer to when dialogue is just stating things to move the plot along. This one, for example, makes Jace seem like a mind reader. This is not what anyone would actually say in that situation; they would talk normally before dropping heavy info.
To avoid 'talking heads', try putting yourself in the place of the character. If you were dying of thirst a few minutes ago, would you immediately say you'll answer everyone's questions right after you have a drink? I don't think so.
Make sure your characters are characters, not just vessels of information.
More examples of 'talking heads' in your story:
Jace stopped arguing pretty quickly. Why?
Jace didn't say anything about the knife. Seems like Juliana is a mind reader too.
(Also, what's with everyone's name starting with J?)
Keep writing. The more you write, the more these things will improve
Thanks for the review. Your reviews are always so useful. I will be making a few edits like last time.